Why do you turn me on so much.....? No, really, WHY?
I Like To Watch
Dear semi-new consulting job,
I swore up and down for the past year that I wanted to get out of the stuffy finance industry, but you have recently sparked a little flame in my attitude. The past two weeks you have allowed me to think very critically AND use my superior analytical and quantitative skills in a way I have never imagined before. I especially love how my superiors are drooling over my creative spreadsheets with intense formulas and begging me not to leave for the advertising industry. In the short time I have worked for you I have already established myself as the go-to guy (even for the seniors, which has to be embarrassing for them) on the extremely difficult problem sets. My last job made me feel like I was doing math homework for 8 hours a day. You, however, allow me to take control of my own projects and make me feel like a real asset to the team.
Too bad there are no hipsters who work here and its still stuffy as hell,
Why are you so short? I realize my job is boring, but it's really hard to get anything done when you are just all over the place; forcing me to look at Facebook, talk on Gchat and stare into space aimlessly. Will you always be this fickle? How will I ever hold down a real job? I thought that Adderoll was only for stressed out college students, but if you don't shape up, desperate measures will have to be taken.
Took me 15 minutes just to write this email,
Dear Metro Crush,
I see you every morning waiting for the Orange line, and I know you've noticed me too. We like to ride in the same car and exchange shy, but interested, glances. You are so adorable, like a clean-cut Billy Joe Armstrong. I thought things were going really well until one morning you reached into your bag and pulled out…a bible. A bible! WTF? And you brought it the next day too. I can't fantasize about hot metro sex when you are over there with your nose stuck in the Book of Mark. Sorry Billie Joe, you are clearly not the undercover rock sex god I'd imagined.
Still checking you out though…
Thanks so much!
Dear Sarah Ferguson, known to her fans as "Fergie",
I really despise you. I found you tolerable when you were with the Black Eyed Peas making thoughtless but totally fun dance music. I may have thought you were a little funny looking, with your weirdly haggard face but totally hot body, but I never really gave you much thought.
Then came My Humps. Possibly the worst song I have ever heard played on mainstream radio. Not only is your voice atrocious, but the lyrics to this "song" are without a doubt the stupidest thing I've ever heard. "My lovely lady lumps?" really? You make breasts sound like some kind of tumor. It's gross. You make all female kind look bad.
For some unfathomable reason, people seem to like you. Maybe they are masochists, maybe they are even more tone deaf then myself, maybe they are just stupid, I don't know what it is, but for the past year I have been constantly assaulted with singles from your solo album. They are obnoxious, grating gibberish. I feel stupider every time I hear them. Yet they are on ALL THE TIME. And they worm into my brain, so that I find myself humming "g-l-a-m-o-r-o-u-s" under my breath at work and am filled with horrible self-loathing.
Fergie, I am begging you, for the sake of all mankind, please cease and desist making music immediately. Your voice is painful to hear and your crimes against the English language are absolutely unforgivable. Honestly, with your horsey face and your strained voice, I'm unsure why you are on my radio at all. Your only redeeming quality is that you were once torn apart by flesh eating zombies in the movie Grindhouse.
That was awesome.
Thanks so much!