Dear baby sister,

I know that last year you turned 19, and thus making you a self-proclaimed "adult", but how about laying off the childish games for like 5 minutes. I mean, at first, it was kinda cute for you to broadcast your entire LIFE on your away message on a daily basis. But seriously, you are now up to HOURLY updates, and i'm considering the possibility that maybe you have stopped going to class just so that you can update your sidekick.

If we were to include in all this, the fact that EVERY SINGLE TIME, you put up some "controversial" message, you end up offending someone and getting into some kind of confrontation. Is that the purpose of your phone? is that why I pay $100 a month to keep it on? So that you can be 500 miles away from home, fighting like a drunken gypsy or something? I don't think so.

Hate to pull second-string parent here on ya, Kid sis, but...(**Warning: Parental language to follow**) I work too hard at a job that I don't like, for you to be running a muck with lil bastards that have nothing to do with your education, grades, or overall well being. I could honestly give a rat's ass if you ever have friends at all. I don't care, as long as you graduate from college, you spoiled, inconsiderate little brat! *deep breath*

Here's a tip: if you need to say something that you feel strongly about, be like me. I would much rather hide behind the cloak of modern technology and use random blogs to vent my frustrations and then sign off with clever alias' such as "sexymama08", "TR" and "girl without a name", then to use my real name and pretty much email my feelings to all my close friends and loved ones.

Oh yeah, and this whole pseudo-bipolar thing (happy one minute, "depressed" another) is soooooo Britney 2007.

Being the best big sister I can be without choking her drama-queen ass out,
Dear BF,

I am attempting to plan your bday party thats in april and I need to think of a theme. You suggested "computers".


I am not sure if that is even a theme at all ("Dress up like Bill lights...binary", he says. how nerdy cute is that?!), but I'll see what I can do. Anything for my brainiac boo.

Anyone know anything about binary?


This Can Not Be Real

Dear life,

Thank God I'm starting to make super sweet friends now. Like the one I hung out with last night who happens to own her own night club as well as multiple expensive purses. Talk about VIP! Loves it.

Dear CF,

Why am I not surprised that you are a fellow aquarian? Oh, probably because I am always strangely majorly drawn to them. This is most likely because we are alike. And I really like myself.

Happy Early Birthday, Sexy Lips,
Dear New Ankle Boots I Ordered Online,

Please come soon! You are just too cute to not be on my feet right now, and I really really want you to arrive before my birthday next weekend, so I can traipse around in you and forget about the fact that I'm turning TWENTY THREE and am just a few short years from shriveling up and turning into an old maid with 234982796583274 cats who only wears slippers and gardening shoes.

You're My Only Hope,

Free Rice!

While we're on the subject of changing our insanely prodigal ways, I stumbled upon this website a few weeks ago and am kind of obsessed (especially because I love learning new words).

For every one you get right, you donate 20 grains of rice to a third world country.

kinda badass.

Thank you for helping me kill time customizing a shoe I'll never be able to buy.

Good times,
Dear Shame "I moved to London and never want to look back" less,

Uh uh uh uh oh ooh
Why'd you have to go-oh
Away from home
Me love,

-Unkown Latino

Why you leave me, wuh why you leave me
Baby tell me, beh baby tell me

I'm 35%
Dear MTV,

I know over the past several years you've been catching heat for failing to ever actually play music while you claim to be "Music Television". Unfortunately, adding 30 seconds of some J-List emo band hanging around a camp fire singing songs and reminiscing about 2 years ago when they were teens (aka sooo long ago!) does not rectify the fact that you are nothing you stand for anymore. We all know Audrina is a total fuckin fake and we're over it. Now play me some Kanye or maybe a little Jack's Mannequin. Thanks.

Dear Today,

Could you get any worse? First I wake up to the phone ringing, only to see it's work. WTF don't call me before I'm supposed to even be there and expect me to help with the crisis of the moment. Sleep is more important to me that work will ever be. Then I get to work and it only goes down hill from there, but we don't need to relive that. I then come home to my toilet leaking through my ceiling which, I just spent 300 bones to get fixed. So after I mop that up I sit down to watch some shows in my DVR, instead I hear a terrible noise coming from the box, like it's about to take off or something. I call the cable company and they tell me to reset it, in turn cancelling my American Idol recording, and never coming back on. Thus I have lost everything in my DVR and I can no longer watch TV until they come out on Friday to give me a new box. At this point I'm so pissed I go outside to smoke a cig, and somehow manage to lock myself out. Just wonderful. My cell phone is dying and I am in bright orange and yellow pj's in the now pouring down rain. I quickly call a friend to get an emergency
locksmith's number(thank god for friends!). 35 mins later two slightly shady charcters arrive to 'break' into my house, and in mere seconds have my door open (kinda scary). 100 bones later, I am finally back in my warm house wishing this day would end promptly!

Hoping tomorrow is just slightly better,
D2, thanks for sending this. I'm so glad I spent dinner arguing with bf about why he shouldn't feel bad about sometimes spending money frivolously even though he would rather be giving it to people like this...I am a huge asshole.

Dear Life,

We are so very fortunate ... all of us. But we all fail when things like this are allowed to happen.

Dear Peanut Butter,

I love you. You are soooOoooo good! Let's just pretend you have a caloric value closer to that of a stalk of celery than a Big Mac, k?

Reality Is For Suckers Anyway,

Thanks for that trouser jeans shaped hole in my bank account. Worth every penny.

Guess it's back to Ramen and cereal,
Dear Guitar Playing Coworker,

Yesterday morning you made a point of coming over to introduce yourself, and today you sat next to me at lunch and made semi-awkward small talk and did super cute things like get my dessert for me. I won't lie, I'm kind of stoked- I've had a tiny crush on you ever since the corporate Christmas party where you wore a hot pink shirt and a wig and played guitar for the inhouse eighties cover band (WHAT is it about men with guitars?!?!). Tall, skinny, british and plays guitar= almost irresistable.

But resist I'm afraid I must. See, as adorable as you are, I'm kind of super smitten with the British Bloke and trying to give this whole monagamy thing a whirl. But please feel free to shower me with attention and desserts some more.

It's not my fault everybody in this country thinks I'm adorable,
Dear Girl In My Class,

Not to be a bitch, but I would rather ask my mother to shave my pubic hair than wear leopard print rainboots.

Dear Life,

Will someone please tell me why it's ok for guys who pretend to lift weights to take over the weight area of the gym? My favorite thing ever is when I go to lift my 3 lbs. weights and am forced to sit next to a group of degenerate males who are lifting weights that are clearly way too heavy for them. If your friend has to have his hands on yours while you lift weights you probably shouldn't be lifting the damn weights because guess what genius: THEY'RE TOO DAMN HEAVY FOR YOU. I also love walking over to the "man" area (the weight lifting area of the gym) and seeing guys sitting on the benches with their big weights sitting at their feet—ok we see you with your big weights wasting space and looking like a jackass and guess what we're thinking: You're an idiot. This entire rant comes from the fact that while I was minding my own business, lifting my 3lbs weights, one of the guys who was lifting the weights that were way too heavy for him in the first place dropped his weights, because they are way too heavy for him, on my foot. NEWS FLASH: IF YOU CAN'T SET THE DAMN WEIGHT ON THE GROUND WITHOUT INJURING SOMEONE THEN YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS LIFTING THEM DUMBASS. And besides, most of the guys who lift weights now who are of college age or going into college are only going develop a beer gut anyway so you might as well quit before you wage a war you will never win. Moral of the story: girls who look like me and look at guys who lift weights that are too heavy for them laugh and thank god they had something amazingly pathetic to look at that day. Makes us feel that much better about ourselves!

Hearts and Stars,
Anna Kathryn
Dear Unattainable Coworker,

I wish I had the willpower to lie and tell you I never wanted to see you again, because I suspect that's the only way I'll ever be able to move on. I already doubt that I'll ever be able to get over you, but if I could at least move on, if I could at least stop spending every day wanting to be with you, wishing you'd picked me, thinking about how happy I am when I'm around you... maybe I wouldn't be sitting here, seriously questioning my sanity.

You're my drug, but I was just your cigarette,

I'm not sure why - but this woman seems to think much more highly of
herself than she deserves. I think the rule is that you have to be a
certain, very high level of pretty to ask for a hit, especially when YOU
are the other woman.

I hate when people don't swear, and they say things like "Stinking awesome!!!".

I Cheated On My Hair Stylist And I Just Got Totally Caught. Bust.

Dear A,

I was totally going to offer to take you shopping for your sad little apartment.. but then I read you cheated on me. I cut your hair biotch, Get it right.

xo xo

Miss Your Hott Ass,
Dear Last Week/This weekend,

You suck for these reasons:

1) I went to work on Tuesday wearing my favorite hooded wool jacket. And although it was crazy warm, it had a nice cum stain right in the center of the back of the jacket which I did not notice until I got into my car at the end of the day. Damn car sex from the night before! I forgot that I had used the jacket as a seat protector. I wonder if my coworker's noticed at all...

2) At a karaoke bar on Friday night, my best friend from college commences to rub my belly like a genie and ask me if I was pregnant. SNF since the bitch just lost 15 lbs over the past 7 months, now she thinks she's fucking ANTM and shit. But oh well, at least I get laid 6 times during the week and 5 times on Sundays, so boo on you and your flat abs, trick!

3) I was chosen to be a pollworker (not to be confused with "Pole-worker"...i don't do that anymore) for the upcoming elections out here. Pays $325 for one days work. I go to confirm that I'm a registered voter in my hometown and guess what? Hells nah, i'm not! wtf?! ad9q49q43/@$@$6qQ#$%@$#@$@%$T^@$$! freakin Bushlicker!

Needless to say, alls i've got left is sex. But then again, thats not too shabby.

Hoping that next week is a wee bit betta,
TR with the Monday Blues
Dear New Apartment,

Sometimes I really wish I had pots and pans.

Or utensils.

Or plates.


Fun fact for people who actually care about my life:

New BF = Previously known as "New Crush"/"Crush"/"Not-So-New-Crush"/"NSN Crush"
Dear New Haircut, New Boyfriend, New Car,

God, I just love you.

Espesh new car.

and new bf.

and new haircut.

Dear life:

You are very unfair lately - why is it that when I finally learn one of your "lessons" the things I screwed up in the past come back and kick me in the ass? Finally figure out what the hell I want, am going through horseshit to get it, intending to move somewhere I don’t want to move to in order to be with who I want to be with, and now, it looks like the goal is leaving the vicinity and no longer be within my reach because of how long it took me to learn the damn lesson… GAAH!

Some days I really hate you. Pug fugly tool…
Dear same guy I mentioned earlier,

Yay! You contacted me :) That means you had to ask our mutual friend for my number. Yesss. I'm very excited and am going to bed smiling.


PS - maybe all guys aren't total douche bags?
Dear Coworker,

I'm sort of attracted to you, and you sent me a text on Friday after happy hour saying we should hang out again with fewer people. However... 1) You work with my dad routinely. That's just a problem. 2) You and I met through the Unattainable Coworker, and I'm definitely not over him. 3) I can't tell, but I suspect you have the potential to be slightly douchey. After all, you're a tall, successful, good-looking, fairly interesting individual. You aren't over 30 and single because you lack options. 4) Did I mention that you routinely work with my father??

Oh well, thanks anyway for the drinks on Friday and the attention.
Dear Hot Girl in the Red Mustang,

When you see that minivan on the freeway, with the tired soccer mom driving and 2 screaming kids in the back, I want you to remember ONE thing as you cut me off and nearly cause me to wreck: I WAS ONCE YOU!

Showing you your future,
The Soccer Mom
This video is unreal!
Dear Sexy Black Pencil-Skirt,

While tidying my room, I just noticed your entire rear-seam is torn! Please tell me this injury of your's occurred *after* arriving home from our drunken Friday evening at the swank downtown lounge!! If I was parading around in wasted confidence, with your now giant slit wide open, up to my bum, fully displaying a whorish 32 inches of my fishnet covered legs - rather than the initial, more tasteful 15 exposed inches - I will be slightly mortified.

There is some reassurance in the fact I was not entirely blacked out, and did not witness any blatant mockery. And added comfort in the fact the guy I met that night keeps texting me. But if you *did* make me look like a sloppy fool in broken clothing ... I may never forgive you.

Entertaining The Idea Of Learning To Sew,
Dear adorable 6 ft 4 guy who slept over last night,

Did you know that the key to whether it would work between a guy and me is if I can sleep comfortably in a bed with him? I know you didn't sleep comfortably thanks to my snoring, talking in my sleep, and near kick to the balls that you informed me of this morning...but I sure did. Thank you for respecting the no hanky panky rule after I established it and sorry for waiting until we were both stripped down to draw the line (oops). Also thank you for the chatter this morning for almost two hours about our lives along with all of the compliments and sweet kisses. My only question to you is, why didn't you get my number when I took you home this morning? Are you going to get it from our mutual friend or should I expect that this was a one time deal?

Smiling yet a little confused,

PS - I really appreciate the fact that you made my bed while I was brushing my teeth and proceeded to tell me how cute I was while performing said action. Also, I like the fact that you noticed my bath robe and thought it was "adorable" that I owned such an accessory.
Dear Man that Just Replied to My "Need a Nanny This Summer?" Craigslist Post,

My post was in fact NOT "Need a Prostitute This Summer?" I mean, I know I'm cute, but what about my innocent picture of me and a child led you to believe I would want to fuck you for money? It overwhelms me to even begin to brainstorm about what could possibly be wrong with you. What type of a man spends his Saturday mornings browsing Craigslists childcare section for a "discreet, private arrangement" (aka a prostitute). $1000 a month for meeting only a couple times each month (plus gift cards for shopping)?? Holy Shit. 5/6th of me just threw up in my mouth that men like you even exist. The other 1/6th of me has already decided how I'd spend my extra $1000 a month and where I'd want my gift cards to. (Maybe Banana Republic or Arden B…) Is a steroid boost to my bank account, a nicer apartment, and more fashionable clothes a fair trade for all my morals and dignity??

Oh, and you even have the nerve to say we would have to meet first and it would depend on "chemistry". Excuse me, but you are so pathetic you are going to pay someone 10 years younger than you $1000 a month to fuck you a couple times and you're concerned about "chemistry"? If you could find someone with the right "chemistry" wouldn't they fuck you for free?

I've woken up many mornings lying next to a mistake and unable to find my dignity among my clothes scattered on the floor. That's what college is all about, right? And I was doing that for free. Now you are offering me compensation for making a mistake and all of a sudden morals become an issue? Why is it that I'll make a mistake for free but not when you're paying me?

If only they sold dignity at the local mall. I could buy back my dignity for $250, then I'd have $750 a month. Hell, I might even buy back my dignity for $750 and make do with $250 a month for jeans and shoes…

Thanks, but no thanks. Although I can picture the new red stilettos I'd buy and how adorable they would be with the perfect jeans, I know I'd squirm every time I put them on.

Settling for a $12/hour nannying job, a smaller apartment, cheaper clothes and all my dignity,

…But would it hurt to respond and ask for a picture?
Ok, so my gay bf loves his company (Mars/Pedigree). His undying devotion to them is adorable , too (everytime we go shopping we have to stop in the dogfood aisle for at least 15 minutes-cutest thing ever). Anyway, he made me watch their brand new commercial. It's probably one of the best ones I've ever seen. I somehow managed to cry within it's 30 second duration. It's genius and this pup is precious.

Dear Man of My Dreams,

You're even better in person. You are painfully sexy, hilarious, and you tell me I'm beautiful everyday. You don't play games, you're honest and the jeans that you wear make your ass look phenomenal. Oh and did I mention that you are unbelievable between the sheets (and in your car, at the park or wherever we may find ourselves unable to resist one another)? You have given me the most functional and sexually satisfying 4 months of my life. I had given up all hope people, let alone men, like you even existed. We're so perfect it even makes me gag.

The Cruel Twist (there always is one): I move in May.
What will become of our disgustingly perfect relationship?

Trying not to think of the day where I won't be here for you to f***,
Dear DNC,

What the fuck are you doing? seriously, what, the, fuck. Please, tear the party apart with your Obama v. Clinton mentality. What part of the past eight years do you not understand, do you understand where America is as a nation? come on and just get over your shit and realize that a full party beats a party divided.

Dear Saturday Night's Carnival-Themed Costume Party:

I will be wearing a mask and not much else. There will be lots of boys and lots of booze. You better be worth a Sunday morning (afternoon?) update, by god.

Make me sorry I won't have time to wax beforehand,
Dear Self,

Taking your lunch to work to save money on sandwiches (and to avoid the potbelly's guy) is a good idea. But then you pretty much ruin it when you spend your hour long lunch break shopping at H&M rather than sitting, eating, and people watching. For the amount you spent shopping you could have had 15 sandwiches. But now you have some cute new clothes so.. I guess it evens out.

I had to remove the bf posts anyway bc it's only a matter of time before he finds it and prob would not appreciate me talking about his peen. Bust.

Dearlifers Got My Back. Haha

Dear Assfaces Who Think This Blog Isn't All About A:

Wow. I mean, do you even REMOTELY get the concept of a blog?!?

Thinking it must suck to be THAT bitter, unhappy, and generally ignorant/unfun,

PS A, I heart you and your stupid, shirtless, singing BF. Hee!
Dear Muffin Top,

I am going to cut to the chase... real quick.Look you're only amazing when you're actually on a muffin, not on my once amazing hips. I really hate that you make me look not so hot in my leggings. But on the plus side, you've motivated me to make use of this amazing membership to the Delta.

Hopefully I WON'T see you Later,


I don't like when people write mean things to me. Thanks.

"we get it... you have a bf. can you go back to writting witty and intelligent posts that are actually entertaining. i'm starting to group you in with some of the others that only post bf crap.

Dear Rich Little Undergrad Girl Standing In Line Behind Me At The Coffee Shop,

Listen, just who do you think you are trying to silence me when I want to talk about Project Runway with the baristas?! Just because it's your "favorite show" and you're "behind on episodes" does not mean freedom of speech no longer applies. Also, I'm older and cuter than you.

Catch up on your tivo THEN grab your non-fat latte.
Dear Courtney Cox,

Give it up.

Please concentrate your efforts on raising your daughter, mocha, or whatever her name is...

I liked you as Monica Gellar, why did you have to ruin my image of you by producing a trashy TV show in which you on-screen masturbate every other episode?

For the record, I did like that show though.

Dear Hummus,

Ever since that day I saw you in the cooler at the grocery store, hanging out with that group of gourmet cheeses and salamies, I knew I had to have you. And every time I place your creamy goodness all over my tongue, it makes me want to squeal with delight.

As I sit here at my desk, craving your goodness, I wonder if you think about me that way. If you think about how I ever so gently place you on crackers, chips, and veggies, and gobble you up all night and all day.

And I don't care if you make my entire desk smell like roasted garlic, I will never give you up.

Hoping my coworkers never catch wind of my relationship with chickpeas,
Dear G,

Happy Fuggin B-day! I love you, bitch.

Dear male sandwich makers at the Potbelly's under my work,

It's kind of cute that you flirt with me all the time and give me free cookies. But just so you know, the only reason I always go there for lunch is because its good, cheap, easy and so I don't have to face the freezing temps in order to get a lunch. So, don't be flattered or whatever. Also please keep the cookies coming!

Dear Heath,

I will miss your cute smile and your cute Australian accent. i will miss your curly hair and your laugh. I know that I never got a chance to meet you and this may sound strange, but I will miss you, my Heath Bar.

I will never be able to watch one of my fave movies of all time, 10 things I hate about you, the same way again.

Rest in Peaceful Bliss, my sweets,
Sad TR

p.s. all those rumors about me loving Orlando Bloom more than you were NEVER true. That was just a fling. You were the only one, babe. Oh yeah, and tell Tupac I said, "Wussup?"
Dear 40-something loser co-worker,

Seriously? 3 weeks? You have GOT to be kidding me. You just COULDN'T still be mad about that bs that went down 3 WEEKS AGO! Give me a break, you whiney biznatch! You suuuuuck.

Trying not to laugh at her pathetic life,

you seemed like a fun way to pass the oh-so-boring work day. and, you were fun... until you told me i looked like chelsea clinton, magic johnson, dan rather and fred savage.

about to go to sephora and spent $400 on a makeover,
Dear Universe,

Three deaths in less than 10 months?

Can you please knock it off?
Dear Verbal Offer Of Promotion,

You need to put yourself in writing asap, before my boss finds out my asshole coworker is quitting. I have no doubt my shitty ass company will not even hesitate to renig on you with a litany of bullshit excuses and completely fuck me over just to keep this damn department from sinking into hell. I want my $10k raise and all the perks you promised me.

Please don't fuck this up. You're giving me an ulcer.

By the way do you know what happens when I get royally fucked over? I go postal worker on your ass.

Please be in my inbox, in Times New Roman, by the end of the day.
Dear BF,

Reading me spanish poetry in your black-framed glasses makes me want to jump your bones.

Or when you sing me a song on your guitar. God, it's hot.

And do it all shirtless again.

Dear Christina,

Thanks. I really enjoyed the 45-minute commute to your office building. And being treated like a second-class citizen 'cause I didn't have an ID card. And my nervousness all day about this interview. And waiting in your lobby for ten minutes while the doorman gave me weird looks.

I especially liked the part when they told me that you weren't here today, maybe I could come back tomorrow?

What the fuck, dude.
Dear 11 Year Old,

I do not appreciate during school this morning when your teacher announced, "And Ms.A will be joining us this morning!" and you responded with, "Oh yeah! SHE'S the lady who can't catch a ball!"

Listen, just because you kicked my ass during recess yesterday at nearly every sport we played does not mean you need to point out my lack of hand-eye coordination to the whole class. I don't do ball sports, okay? I'll have you know I'm a very skilled SWIMMER and a very perky and flexible cheerleader. Don't mock my athletic ability. I could bench press your lanky pubescence.

Dear Hypothermia/The Flu, SUCK. After getting locked out at 1am on a Monday night, not being able to reach my roommate, waiting half an hour in the FREEZING COLD wearing really insufficient clothing and then having to call my PARENTS to come pick me up, listening to my mother berate me in the car home - telling me i am 'a drunk' who sleeps all day (what?) and doesn't care about her job, and hangs out with 'the wrong crowd' (NEWSFLASH, MOM: I AM the 'wrong crowd' and those people are my friends), then spending the hours from 2-5am awake in bed with uncontrollable shivers, wearing every article of clothing I could find in my parent's house, the LAST thing I need is to be punished for my questionable actions yet again, by my immune system. I don't have any sick leave accrued yet - please don't make me take two days off the first month of the year! That is SO unfair.

Dear laundry,

I hate you. I hate how you pile up in my room. I hate how you limit my wardrobe. I hate that it takes an entire night to do you. I hate taking you up 20 floors in my apartment building to put you in the shared washers and dryers. I hate folding you and putting you away. I avoid you at all costs but you always creep up on me and about every 2 weeks you explode forcing me to face you once more. For this reason I need my next apartment to have its own washer/dryer unit. Then you will no longer be a problem to me and I will be able to do you (or not) whenever I want.

Dear Dr. Jones,

Thank you for the valium. Not sure where you got your medical degree, but as long as you keep prescribing VALIUM for ITCHING, then I will continue to seek your services.

Love doped up on drugs and can't focus while at work,

PS – I paid $1.48 for 12 pills at WalMart…no wonder people are addicted to these things. They're not only easy to con your doctor into prescribing, but they are easy to swallow and cheap too!
Dear Plan B,

Thank you for making sure I do not get prego after a drunk night of questionable, shady and yes dodgey decisions. And the fact that I could get it over the counter and not have to feel like such a tween by going to planned parenthood makes me love you even more. So little pill, please do what you have to do but try not to mess up my cycle too much. CF and I are finally close to being in sync with our crying, ice cream eating and general bitchyness.

My uterus and size 2 waist loves you!
Dear Three-Day MLK bday weekend,

Talk about a soap opera of events...

Friday -
Major make-out session AS SOON as the little one went to bed ( be an adult)
Innocent Slumber Party with the BF (seriously innocent...i slept on the couch...he still lives with his mom, who refuses to let us sleep in bed together...*sad panda*)

Saturday -
Early morning garage sale with my mom until 4pm
Almost got stabbed at a talent show in Westchester

Sunday -
Forced to endure one of the bf's exes at a mutual friend's bday dinner. (Thank God I'm so cute and funny that all The Exes LOVE me...or at least they do when i see them and then hate me for being so cute and funny and taking their terribly handsome and VERY WELL HUNG ex-bf from them. haha!)
The Cool Kids at this hole in the wall bar in Hollywood (Drama: one of the BF's loser friends TOTALLY stood up one of my poor single friends because he is an inefficient a**hole, thus, buzzed TR issued out a much-deserved tongue lashing to said Inefficient A**shole. Then, BF goes behind my back and says that I "overreacted a bit". That leads to me delivering yet another much-deserved tongue lashing. Public argument ensues, BF calls me Baby Mama's name to the effect of "stop acting like BM". All hell breaks loose. BF is stranded on 101 freeway for BM remark. Lots of screaming and crying in the middle of the street. BF is eventually welcomed back in car. TR takes BF home and has awesome revenge/hate/passionate love/make-up sex.)

Monday -
Morning Wood sex (my fave!!!)
Mid-morning sex (my fave too!)
Afternoon sex (interrupted by Chatty Roommate. Her bad, not mine. I have no remorse for walking out of my room in my underwear, still sweaty from Afternoon Sex.)
BBQ and BJ in bed
Chatty Roommate's bday dinner with Chatty Family (I really love them, they're so cute. but I need them to someday realize that there is a limit to my affection for them. Time-limit, that is.)

Happy Birthday Docta Martin Luther Da King Junior! Your efforts towards building a nation where the color of your skin (mine = brown like wet sand) is not as important as the content of your character (mine = drunk bitchfests and make-up sex). I love you man!

Possibly setting my race back about 20 years,
Dear Solojones,

OMG. Thank you for the great undies. I love love love you and will spend every dime I have keeping you on my bum. You are more than worth the price.

dancing around in you,

ps: check out what you can do with old
dear life,

stop being so fucking shitty.
best guy friend hates me, and with good reason because he's basically in love with me and i'm basically a selfish, commitment-phobic whorebag who basically ruined his life.


i am fat and gross and my boobs hurt and i hate school and i just want to eat publix chocolate trinity ice cream until it leaks out of my pores and have sex... but preferably not in that order.

Dear unexpected hospital stay AND operation,

Way to put me in my place for bragging about my perfect life. Ouch.

PS: Dear Immune System, can we please be friends again? please? pleeeeeeease?
Dear Respiratory System,

I am sorry I have polluted you so severely that I am sure you look like a cig butt tray these days. It definitely feels like it when I can't breathe and continuously cough nasty shizo up. I am sorry I promise to start taking better care of your important ass.

one for the road?
Dear R,

I feel your pain!
I wear suits every day for work. Which is horribly boring and stifling - and a drain on the clothing budget. I'd rather be buying fun stuff with personality. I love The Limited to stock up on my career wear. It's a little younger and more contemporary and than Ann Taylor, but less expensive than Banana Republic (another favorite), but still of good quality. Both stores carry pieces that are both work and after-work appropriate. I don't feel like such a boring stiff when I head out for a stiff drink at 5 PM! I buy lots of basics and then make them more fun with fabulous shoes!

Other shops worth browsing, although they are more hit/miss in terms of style and quality:
NY & Company - beware of the polyester!
Zara - lots of really great on-trend stuff, but the quality is all over the place
INC (International Concepts) in Macys. good basics/semi trendy/beware of the euro-trash pieces
JCrew - a lot of their stuff is overpriced.
Ann Taylor loft - although I hate the way most of their stuff fits
Ann Taylor - same as Loft in terms of fit
Express - beware of too-tight cuts!

I hope these are found in the SF area. I live in NYC, so I wasn't sure what you had access to or not. Good luck with your job!

Dear Lisa,

I take it you have MLK day off. That is great for you. It's bad for me though, because talking to you all day via Google Chat is the only way I get through the work day. So, if I'm never back on there to chat again after today it's because I keeled over and died of boredom. And it's kind of your fault. I hope you're enjoying your day off. I'm suffering.... Just letting you know.

Dear boy I've had a crush on forever,

Way to finally spoon me the very night my pseudo-boyfriend buys plane tickets to come visit me. So you're a fan of irony - that tricky bitch.

All I need now is rain on my wedding day...
Dear DearLifers,

I need your advice. What's the best, not-too-expensive place to shop for clothes that I can wear to the office? I'm talking slacks, skirts, blouses, and sweaters here mostly. I want clothes that are form-fitting without being slutty, and classic and classy. Clothes that exude confidence, intelligence, and femininity. Oh, and if the shops actually exist here in the SF bay, that'd be a great plus.

Dear Jaeger Bombs,

I think you and I have had our run. While I enjoyed how quickly you got me drunk, thereby saving me lots of money, the truth is, you're not so great coming back up. Your sickly sweet scent will continue to turn my stomach for months.

Its been fun,
Dear Life,

I'm at work on a Sunday at 5:40 PM. Voluntarily. Getting things accomplished. And all because I don't have a boyfriend, nor do I foresee myself getting one anytime soon (and by "anytime soon" I mean in the next three-four years, ie the timeframe in which I would need to find one in order to get married before 30).

What a way to celebrate turning 24, huh?

Dear A's Boyfriend,

I realize I don't know you. In fact, I don't even know A.

But if you and your apparent wonderfulness start taking up too much of her time and somehow detract from her ability to update this blog -- leaving me with that much less to entertain myself -- I swear I will find you and kick your ass to Sunday.

With love,
Dear Guy I went on a date with,

Wow, I don't think my stoop, doorway or table where I put the mail has EVER see so much action..THAT WAS AWESOME

Can't wait to make it up the stairs....
Dear Amy Winehouse,

Just when I thought you couldn't get fuglier, you somehow managed. I saw a pic of you from years ago and you looked normal, at least when it came to weight and hair (you even had boobs!). Now you're sickly skinny and your hair... well blonde doesn't suit you any better than that beehive weave thing did. You're nasty and on drugs and to look at you makes me sick. Also, it pisses me off that you're famous and disgusting and I'm not disgusting and not famous. I should def be more famous than you. I mean I know you're talented or whatever... but... there is just no excuse for you. I hope you get better I guess.. either that or stop being photographed so I don't have to look at your bony ass.

Dear Lily Allen-

I am sorry for your loss. I was sincerely looking forward to the birth of your child and the extension of your Punk Rock lineage. Don't give up! You are Joe Strummer's goddaughter! Keep on designing those adorable dresses too, btw.

Keep your chin up, love.
Dear Tyler:

By god, but do I wanna get banged revenge-style.

Booking the next 5 hour flight from my coast to yours,
Dear G's New Boyfriend That I Met For The First Time Last Night,

I love you already. Here is why:

1.) You bought me Bojangles chicken fingers to eat in the middle of a swanky foodless bar because I was starving from driving 7 hours to see your beloved gf. You even brought me ranch dressing. (Actually, if we're gonna be technical, we could stop there. You had me at that point.)
2.) You talked to me about foreskin for about 20 minutes.
3.) When asked about meeting G's ex, you simply said "I was cool with it, because I was like 'Hey man, I'm the one who's gonna be inside her later so..'"

Thank God. I'm a huge fan.
Dear Urban Outfitters,
When I got your email today about new swimsuits I was intrigued because you are a cool store. But I just have a few questions...
1- How come your swimsuits cost at least $100?
2- Why are your models totally ana? They seriously need to eat....
3- Who would wear this one? I guess it's supposed to be like 50's style but it just looks hid.
You should really stop emailing me these things b/c now I feel like I need a new bikini when it's 0 degrees in Chicago... and I need to lose 30 lbs before wearing it. How does that work?
Dear Super Intense High School Senior,

When I volunteered to be on the alumni admissions network for the chance to win a free ipod, I did not realize you would be calling me at 1AM EST to ask inane questions about my "elite" college. I don't know if you can move in early because your bed needs to be by the window. I don't know if you can place out of Spanish 200 because you went to Mexico last summer. Also, I don't appreciate your Mom calling me pretending to be your secretary saying, "Scary McScarerson would like to speak to you about admissions, hold please." Dude, I totally know its your Mom because she called back asking how the interview went.

Sadly I cannot recommend you in the entering class of 2008 because you are a nut job.


P.S. My job as an alumna is to say don't take orgo and calc 2 first semester freshman year and bring sturdy shower shoes!
Dear Girl I Dumped,

It’s been two weeks since I kicked your ass to the curb and I don’t miss you one bit. Dating your dumbass for 3 months was an exercise in futility. I am glad that I finally got wise and took a major metaphorical shit all over your ego. Even though I’m never gonna talk to you anymore doesn’t I mean I don’t want to know what’s going on in your life. I mean, a guy has to have someone to make fun of when he gets drunk with his buddies. Sorry, but you asked for it. Oh well, now I guess it’s time again to go back to my regular M.O. (namely banging respectable amounts of hot broads). I’ve already got one under my belt (heh). Life is still good. See you never.


PS-If any hot semi-respectable ladies in LA respectable wanna get banged out revenge-style, meet me at Residuals. I’ll be the drunk asshole. Bing!

PPS-I’m not really a douchebag.
Dear Christians:

Believing that unless you have a totally silent birth you will be traumatized by "engrams" is not really that different from believing that a virgin gave birth to a baby who grew to be the son of god, took away our sins, and arose from the dead. Stop shoving it down my throat already--it didn't take the first time for a reason.

Oh, and get off my uterus,
Dear Boy Scout,

I'm sorry we played romantic interests in my previous show, because in perhaps the most cliched move of my life (other than falling for my manager… whoops), I sort of fell for you. But what's even better is that I think you're kind of falling for me as well. We sure have come a long way from your flat out ignorance of my fabulous existance. Even though I had to initate the DTR talk, you were refreshingly honest about wanting only friendship, and I appreciate that. I appreciate even more how we totally lived it up New Year's Eve at your place after the show… and two days after that… and two days after that (as just friends, of course). Even your calling quits to the hooking up was not so bad, because you explained you didn't want to go too far with me and take my V-Card. You really are a boy scout. But our cuddle-fest the night after my first day of classes? Awesome. Grocery shopping with you? Fantastic. Having you text me every day since then (sometimes more than once) with "how is your day?" or random crap like, "I just hunted two cats"? Unbelievable.
I've never had a guy that works this hard when we're still in the "just friends" category… and who knows, maybe another DTR (initiated by you, this time?) will be in our near future. Non-asshole, responsible guys that make me happy? What a concept. I think A and G have started a new trend… and I'm more than willing to subscribe.

Joining the movement,
Dear Filthy Blanket Stealer,

How dare you come into my sacred work space (a shabby beige cubicle with pics of my parent's beagles in it and a clipping from a Wall Street Journal article I placed, it's Walt Mossberg people, that is like the holy grail of consumer tech PR) and steal my most prized possession (other than my energy sucking, ecologically unfriendly space heater): my fluffy, cuddly, company logoed blanket.

I used to spend my days basking in the warmth of Blankie, able to contribute brilliant thoughts in brainstorms and meetings for clients. Blankie and I would knock 'em dead every day, him with his warmth and comfort, me with my amazing ideas. Now I sit shivering in fucking freezing windowless conference rooms, concentrating on my hands' shade of blue while plotting your slow, painful death. I have always been anti-capital punishment, but I have changed my ways. You deserve death by refrigerator, for you, blanket thief, are a blight on humanity.

I think often about when you committed the crime. Was it after-hours? Was it when I left at 5PM to hit up yet another dive bar happy hour? Or was it in the wee hours of the morning, 8:45AM? Were you walking by and saw the blanket hanging over my desk chair and thought, "By God, there is an unclaimed blanket! I must have this blanket in my life!" or was it more, "I hate that bitch, I must take her most valued possession. Her work computer? No. Her blanket." Do you laugh at night, thinking of me shivering, crying, wondering where Blankie went? I certainly hope not, because there are no tears here, and not only because I am too cold and exhausted from shivering to cry. I have only vengeful thoughts of retaliation via cubicle hate crime. I will not waste this valuable revenge plotting time on crying (usually my revenge plotting time involves looking up "freezing death revenge" on Google Images and cackling).

I hope hell does freeze over, and may it be a blanket-less hell at that. You deserve nothing less, for you are a depraved, cubicle dwelling felon.

You make me sick (no really, I have a cold from the air conditioning),
Dear Immune System,

As of today, we are no longer on speaking terms. I'm not sure what you have against me, or why you want to ruin my (more or less perfect) life, but ever since I got to London you've decided that you deserve a permanent vacation. The constant coughs, colds and flus were pretty unpleasant, but managable. I mean, we all make mistakes, I slipped you some vitamin c and let is slide. The full body aches and dripping nose which almost caused me to miss The Perfect London Date made me kind of angry.But that worked out in the end, so fine.

What I'm really NOT okay with is this incredibly painful deep tissue Staph infection you let slip under your radar. Going to the ER at 6am? Not really very fun. Almost unbearable pain everytime I try to walk and/or sit up? Extremely not fun. Your negligence made me miss three days of work and now i am back and in constant pain. Seriously, here is my thought process right now "Oww Oww Oww Oww Oww."

Immune System, you are supposed to be part of a team- Team Shameless. When you don't do your part, the whole collective suffers. And trust me right now nobody is thanking you. So please: get it together and work with our new team member Penicillan to make a change.

I'm at your mercy,
Dear caller,

Please realize that I am a secretary.. not a retard. While I don't mind taking your message, I do mind when you tell me you entire life story (Do I really care who in your family is on heroin?). Also when I politely try to stop you from telling me more details and wasting my time, it's not OK for you to call me "honey" and tell me that you're "trying to get me to understand." I do understand. And frankly I could care less. I'm really tempted to take your long ass desperate message and rip it up.

Love always,
aka lfurr

PS- have fun at gretchen's bday! wear something with cleav pls!
Dear Raise that I just found out about,

You can kiss my ass. If you think that's a raise, you must be kidding me. $20 more a paycheck and $40 more a month is nothing. Multiply it out you cheapasses…That means only an extra $480 a year for me. I don't care what my "total salary" is…what matters is how the hell I'm supposed to pay for my lavish lifestyle. I can't continue to order for Victoria's Secret each week on an extra $40 a month. I guess I'll need to find a guy to do that for me...

I guess it'll be ramen for me for a while,

PS – Thanks Mom for e-mailing me to tell me that my raise = 50 cents more an hour. Did I pay over $100,000 for my education to get a 50 cent raise? Anyone have any job openings?
Dear New Boyfriend,

I would tell you about this blog, but I like writing about you too much.

dear january 17th,

waddup sonnnn?! i'm glad to see you again, birthday. today (and tomorrow) are gonna be fun as fuck! and great start with the wake&bake by yourself! haha! i'm so glad i took two days off for my birthday so i could party. starting at 9 am? good god. but either way, i'm gonna have a blast.

happyhappyhappy bday to me,

ps. however WHY THE FUCK did i wake up with a zit? real nice.
Dear Foo Fighters concert in March,

How much are you going to ROCK?! Seriously, could you be more perfect? Not only will you rock by default because it is the FOO, but need I point out that your location is approximately 300 feet away from my boyfriend's house! Meaning, we can eat, drink heavenly, and then just cross the street and there you are, in all your Everlong glory. *cream*

Countdown: 7 weeks.

Wondering if everything could ever feel this real forever,

p.s. oh and could you please tell Dave Grohl that I would like to have his little foo babies? Thanks.
Dear Drunk Online Shopping,

Y'know how they say alcohol brings out the real you? Well apparently, the real me has FABULOUS taste in shoes!!! (But then again, that's no big surprise.) For once I get to wake up the next morning and NOT bow my head in shame. This rocks!

Can't Wait 5-7 Busines Days,
Dear A,

Thank you so much for putting up that video of "Teen Rebel Corey" you just made my day.

Loving you,

p.s im pretty sure he and his friends were arrested for child pornography as well...oops
Dear Life aka Dear Girl I've tried to go out with for 2 years like a complete wanker.

The whole, I was in a "serious" relationship for 4-years even though said douche was in another city for most of it and worse led to you having some major debt because you were flying to meet him in a total 3rd rate city is kind of seriously not very hot. It's old. And even worse that this behavior led you to lead me on sort of continually for that entire time frame might almost hurt.

And yet, since you broke up with him, I've thought we were on the road to well being and total hotness but the news of you speaking to him, actually seeing him (twice), not telling me you did so, and worse stringing me along like a hickish rube are kind of super not hot. What gives?

Shit or get off the pot, or you'll be alone, kind of baron, and crying forever about this ahole who made you fly to nowheresville and do his evil bidding. 'Cause I'm kind of your soul mate and this douche is complete bullshitery.

Thanks for kind of torturing me for 24 months, particularly right now. Let me know when your ready to deal and or not deal.


PS: You're serious with all your lame aloofness? Bah, I'm over it. Sigh. Call me when you're not playing war games WOPR style

Oh, but there's more

Cory The Legend continues... - Watch more free videos

Thanks, Tyler. :)
Dear Self,

Sorry about the drunk-falling-into-the-tub and drinking so much last night in pre-birthday celebrations that you puked all night and all morning. Hope you can find some ibuprofen somewhere in this hotel for the headache and body aches. Also, I hope we're able to stop limping soon.

Wishing I could call in sick on a business trip,
Dear Everyone I Know and Will Ever Meet,

Please do not hold me accountable for any of my actions from Thursday, January 17th through Monday, January 21st. Why?

A- It is a long weekend
B- It is my birthday
C- All of my best friends are coming into town
D- Do I even need anymore reasons?? Oh, but A bringing some ganga I should maybe throw in there.

This is so going to be totally worth Tuesday January 22nd's hangover and general remorse for my poor life choices.

Happy Birthday and MLK Day to Me!!!
Dear roommate,

I’m hardly ever here. I purposely make a scene when I leave for work and class by saying things like “Ugh, I’ll be back around 6.” I time my meals for when your bf is over. And when I come in and see you might be “napping,” I totally grab a book and read in the lobby for a good 20 minutes. Like, I’ve been super considerate. So really there’s no reason for me to have your humping interrupt my econ homework.

Way to rub it in that I’m not getting any,
Dear Payless:

Yesterday, you gave me 5 pairs of amazing shoes for the bargain basement price of $85. That's TOTAL. I kind of feel like I did something illegal, as I now own 2 more pairs of the cutest shiny ballet flats ever and 3 new pairs of black pumps. Seriously, the little shiny black ones I have on today are uber-cute and I totally picked my outfit based on the wearing them!!!! (Yes, I was sad when my red sweater was dirty and so I couldn't wear the red ones instead, but this pair is still very, very cute.)

Why, yes, it DOES feel good to pay less,
To be a teen rebel again...
dear self? i think this should be to me anyways,

you just made a playlist of all the songs in your journal/notebook thing that you wrote when you were writing and whatever in the past. and, its sad. you're sad. they're all "i miss you, i love you, i'm here forever, i'm sad we're not together, blahblahblahblah, i suck blah". WHAT THE HELL? who the fuck have i become? i'm not weak and shit. fuck. tomorrow (technically tomorrow since its 4:52 am.... and i also haven't been to fucking bed yet) is my birthday. and, i am pledging (new year age resolution?) to be stronger. fuck yeah.

ignore the sap, i'm kinda drunk,
Dear CF:

Have you REALLY never seen that episode of Friends?!?! The one where Monica shows Chandler a woman's erogenous zones?? *siiiigh* Anyway, yes, you have one. Sadly, the only boy I know who can a) find it and b) work it is a yummy Kiwi in London. (And no, Shameless, you can't have him, you slag.)

In a pinch, however, your showerhead will find your seven quite nicely. And in case you have Catholic guilt, you'll already be in the shower and can wash away your sins lickety-split!!

I heart my 10-setting detachable Waterpik,

PS If you ever DO get a boy trained, marry him b/c he'll just take that shit to other girls if you don't and do you really want to be the training wheels? I think not.
Dear b,

1) What's a "seven",
2) Do I have one?, and
3) Where can I get a boy who will find it for me?

Dear Coworker I'm In Love With,

Why are you so completely irresistible to me? You're way older than me, married, and not even ridiculously hot or a millionaire or anything like that. But you're just so damn COOL. You exhibit everything that turns me on in life - adorable family, a sense of adventure and a passion for travel, good taste in music, and a kickin' sense of humor. You don't take yourself or your job too seriously, despite being in (what I think of as) one of those jobs that you kind of fall into once you realize you have to grow up sometime, and then spend the rest of your days working the 9-5 and getting the life sucked out of you.

In my fantasy world, we have a passionate love affair and then you fall madly in love with me, which makes you realize that you're in a dead-end marriage and forces you to re-evaluate your relationships and priorities in life. In the end, we don't end up together, because I'm young and smokin' and I find someone my age who is just as perfect for me as you are and wants the same things out of life as I do. But before that happens, you and I spend months of total bliss together, jetsetting off to Paris, London, and Milan (and to beach in summer, of course), going to various sporting events, and spending weekends in hotels racking up huge room service bills (obviously you will pay for all this bc I'm just the receptionist) while you pretend you're at business conferences.

I fully realize that my affections for you are totally misplaced, but I still can't help thinking how awesome we'd be together if you were an adulterer and I was the dirty mistress.

Daddy Issues, Maybe?...,
Dear W-2 form my coworker just handed me,

W-2?? WTF is more like it. Am I supposed to do something with you? Is it bad that this is the first time I have ever laid my eyes on one of you? Hopefully it's OK if I just stuffed you in my purse. Go away. This is why I date a finance guy...

Dear Extremely Hot Boy I Had a Lot of Dirty Sex w (even though you never found my "Seven"):

I'm totally enjoying our LD email flirtation and well, let's face it, rampant email sex that's going on pretty much during our working hours. I also love that you are THE face of your father's company and that YOU are the company email. Jesus, but I can't wait for y'all to get sued and have all your emails turned over for discovery. I am never gonna be able to run for Congress, but my sign-off will be the new [random overused quote] of this millennium.

A Towel for the Lady?
Dear boy who slept over twice that I am apparently allergic to,

I have been changing all of my bath products, discontinuing the use of many highly loved lotions, washing and rewashing my sheets for almost a month now trying to figure out why my neck, arms, back and stomach are all itchy and covered in bumps. Finally the doctor has enlightened me by asking a simple question, "Do you have a new boy sleeping over?" I knew it right then that it was you. Your nasty cologne or perhaps the trashy hair gel that you used has caused this reaction. Thank God I've stopped answering those 1:30am phone calls. That hair gel sure isn't getting back in my bed!

Doped up on all the allergy meds I am now taking,
Dear Nice TR,

Stop hating on me just because I say what you WISH you could say. You know those babies looked like God sneezed when he was making them. Don't lie to yourself. Not all babies are cute. It's like not all small animals are adorable creatures. You ever seen a possum? Yeah, kinda like that.

Besides, if I don't tell the old ladies that spandex is NOT for them, who will? Obviously not their fat daughters or grand-daughters or else she wouldn't have left the house looking like a Goodyear blimp.

Look, NTR, I know my method of talking and laughing loudly at people within earshot is not very polite, but being polite is what the boyfriend is for. He is polite enough for the entire LA area. It's call balance. J

And about the roommate thing, I had NO IDEA that she was home; the sneaky b*tch parked down the street just to throw me off! Plus, I don't even think I said anything THAT bad. I mean, yeah, I called her a slob, and said that she likes to watch sappy chick flicks, and that she wastes money on TiVo and eating out all the time, but I didn't say anything about her co-dependency or her motor mouth. So whatever.

And lastly, that list is outrageous. I mean, you REALLY expect me to stop talking about things and people who are just ASKING for it? Come on now. It is my CIVIC DUTY to put these people on blast. They deserve it. They earned full scholarships to Mock University.

So fyi –

-Baby mama: try Whitney Houston meets Riverside, Ca (be sure to include the greasy hair, sweaty face, and "crack is whack" statement)
-Hemet, CA: where granny rapists are born
-roommate: imaginary dieter and the queen of self pity
-ugly babies: come from ugly parents
-fat, old ladies in spandex: should be shot…with tranquilizer pellets
-fat, young ladies in spandex: should know better
-the Spears clan: should return to their native planet – Trailer Trashland
-my parents: will never change and I am doomed to become them. *shrugs* oh well…
-super sad co-worker: really needs to put a down payment on a life

In conclusion, instead of getting on my case about criticizing people, take a good hard look at the cretins out there aimlessly producing [ugly] offspring, wearing spandex with reckless abandonment, eating and giving away food that doesn't belong to them, and overall, tarnishing the great American image of perfection, beauty, style, and hygiene, and then you tell me how I'm NOT supposed to report the obvious.

Besides, my Dear Life friends love me for it J,
Honest Me
Dear Whoever Made a Wall of Balloons in the Entry of My Cubicle:

You, sir/madam, are awesome. My day has been made. No one has really ever made a big deal for my birthday before. And the best part is, you know me well enough to know that today's my last day in the office this week, so since I'll be on business travel on my real bday (Friday), you've helped me celebrate in advance while I'm in town!

So 'fess up to this so I can thank you! I'm sure I have already tried asking you if you did this and you (like everyone else) has denied it. I have two people on my list of suspects of who you might be, but so far nothing conclusive. Just tell me so I can be appropriately grateful!

Feeling loved,

PS Thanks for giving me a great excuse for having done no work this morning, despite being in the office for over an hour. You can't work if you can't get to your desk!

(PPS On the off chance you are the Unattainable Coworker, I really do appreciate it. I know why you'd keep your mouth shut while we're at work [you don't want to start more rumors if people ask me who did this and I tell them it's you], but tell me in private. I promise I'll keep it a secret. I promise I won't even take it as a hint that you've changed your mind. I know you've made your mind up and that's life, but if you did this, thank you for showing me you still care.)
Dear honest me,

Why are you so gosh darn mean? You know, you don't HAVE to talk about every ugly baby that waddles by you at any given time. You also don't have to make fun of fat old ladies in spandex with cat t-shirts. Those are easy targets, missy. So not nice.

But I can only assume that after last night you have learned your lesson. That's what you get for talking about your roommate and then finding out that she was hiding out the whole time in her bedroom pretending to sleep. Hahaha, how embarrassed you must have been! Really though, you should just take a page or two from your overly nice
boyfriend and stop talking about people all together.

I mean, EVERYONE knows that most of the time, you are speaking the truth, but I think some people are beginning to think that you just like to talk sh*t too. This is also true, but they don't have to know that. It's good to keep some things to yourself. You know, have some secrets or something.

Here, just to help you out, I made this list of people and things that you should remove from your ridicule list:
-baby mama
-Hemet, CA
-ugly babies
-fat, old ladies in spandex
-fat, young ladies in spandex
-the Spears clan
-your parents
-super sad co-worker

Obviously, this is a condensed list, but it's a start. Rome wasn't built in a day.

From your loving mental brain twin,
Nice TR
Dear RIDICULOUSLY good looking co-workers ex girlfriend,

You are one crazy BIOTCH!! I really don't appreciate being woken up by a phone call from you (how the HECK did you get my number anyway?!?!?!), and then the following text message (which was supposedly from my crush) "staying home with my girlfriend" only to find out it was you. I have to admit it did make me freak out a little at first because his single status on facebook made him fair game in my book, but I did rethink it a little.

Now that i think about it I should actually thank you. Because of your freaky stalkerish actions at 7 in the AM this morning, he is now taking me to lunch to explain who you are and why you are jealous of me (which is already obvy to me and him ). So thanks for the push to have the DTR talk sooner than we would have otherwise!!

Maybe ill send you the same text tomorrow morning,
Dear JLo, Xtina, Jessica Alba, Jami Lynn, Lily Allen, Halle Berry, Nicole Kidman, Fergie... and whoever else is stupid and knocked up,

Does Hollywood not have birth control? Why is every celebrity preggo all of the sudden? I find this to be very annoying. In 15 years your kids are going to be the most spoiled/obnoxious tweens in the world. Also- stop trying to make pregnancy a trend! Did you know at the end of your "glam" 9 months you end up with a child? I know you have nannys or whatever.... The only thing good about this is that I can make fun of you for looking fat for 9 months.

Skinnier than you bitches,
Dear Socialize Health Care,

You rock. I mean, free consults with the doctor? That's awesome. Free antibiotics? That's even more awesome. Free contraceptives? I can't even comprehend how awesome that is.

Michael Moore had it right,
Dear Wolf From American Gladiators,

Um, when I saw you on Saturday night and drunkenly walked up to you and asked you to howl, I could not have been more delighted when you willingly and enthusiastically conceded. That was kind of awesome.

Something tells me by season 2 you're really going to get sick of that request.

Nice Chops BTW,
Dear Ace And MJ From The Real World,

Coincidentally, I saw BOTH of you at a bar on Friday night. Why did I used to think you were cool again?

Wondering Why Your Lives Were Ever Interesting To Me,
Dear Christina Ag,

The fact that your baby's name means "The Greatest Song" in Hebrew makes my heart smile. Not only is that adorable and fitting to your talents, but it is also an homage to your husband's Jewish roots. I miss your "Dirty" mode a little but am happy to exchange it for your ultra-glam loving wife and mother mode. I aspire to be just like you, Jewish man and all.

Looking up to a Girl That Once Wore Chaps and Underwear While Grinding in Water in a Boxing Ring,
Dear guy I used to hook up with in college who is now engaged,

Really? Engaged? After finding out the "happy" news from a friend and via facebook, I did some calculations and figured out that you two have known each other approximately 4 It's not that I was hoping you'd finally come to your senses and fall in love with me, since clearly after our 2+ years of on-off hooking up and it never working out I figured you "weren't that into me." Actually, I figured you were a jerk, because the least you could've done was been straightforward with me. But, I moved on, and I was the one in a serious relationship while you were perpetually single. So, 2 years later, why am I the single one now and you're engaged? Who gets engaged after 4 months? Your facebook pictures seem to show a receding hairline. Is this why? Better get married while you still can?

Being the mature person that I am, the only retaliation I could come up with was removing my "happy birthday" post from your wall. I'm sure you noticed and were crushed.

Well, if anything, this should be interesting,
Dear High School Musical,

While driving home from the bar (yes it's 7pm, I started at 5, it's okay) I listened to you and know, I could just stay in and watch the movie. But I am forcing myself to go over to a friend's and do normal things (drink and watch american gladiators) instead of stay home and watch you, because I am 23 not 13. I'll probably see you tomorrow though, in all honesty.

And my parents wonder why I have no time to write my thesis,
Dear New Chemistry TA,

You are extremely hot. And also extremely married, if that ring on your left hand is any indication.

I'd still kind of like to see your apparatus though,
Dear Mom & Dad,

Thank you so much for getting divorced when I was 13 and catapulting my brother, sister, and I into an insta three musketeers, all-for-one, one-for-all kind of alliance. I love you guys. And note to brother, I'm so happy we spent last night drunk dialing all of the aforementioned parties. Good time to convince Dad continued minimal monetary support is warranted post-college. From a bar...on a Sunday...

In the family circle I trust,
Dear Boss,

I know you thought it was funny that last Thursday I called some guy who walks through our office all the time, "homeslice." I thought it slightly witty myself. We all chuckled and moved on. However, the fact that you then later went home on friday and told your husband and son about my reference and you all "laughed for a good half an hour about it" leads me to believe I should no longer measure how funny I am (12, on a scale of 1 to 10, just in case you were wondering) by your responses to my jokes.

Maybe you should get out a little more,
Dear Everyone Who Asked What "DTR" Means,


Dear A,

I love how our lives in relationships seem to mirror image each other. You date asshole, I date asshole. Asshole breaks my heart. Asshole breaks your heart. We both leave broken and sad for the state of the world.

Then, new guy shows up and treats me like a queen (complete with DTR talks initiated by him, long, passionate kisses, and plenty of reassurance- sound familiar?) and the same thing happens to you a mere month later. Cut to our friends actually approving of our relationships, our new men showing us off to their respective friends and family, and just a general more positive outlook on life.

I couldn't be happier!!
Dearest A:

If your blog wasn't so cool and you didn't regularly post my awesome dears, I might hate you a little for your stupid, big-peened, I heart A and tell everyone boyfriend. Instead, I am not at all jealous of you and hoping you fall down in the street and skin your knee. NOT.AT.ALL.

So happy for you *squeal*,

PS My sarcasm/bitterness has reached new levels. Even I don't know what of the above I actually mean. I'm hoping it's the good parts, but I kinda doubt it. ;-)
Dear Monday, January 14th, 2008,

I thought we had an understanding. I mean, last week, I thought that I had made it clear that you had to ROCK in order for the rest of this week to not end up like last week (i.e. mood swings, no sex, late to work, too broke to buy groceries, NO SEX). But you must not have heard me. All I asked from you was for 3 simple things: 1) for my check to be deposited into my account by this morning, 2) for that sad ass co-worker of mine to return back to normal, and 3) for me to wake up refreshed and with a great attitude. You haven't done ONE of these things on my list. My check is MIA, my loser muffin co-worker is STILL giving me the silent treatment (counter: 7 days), and I woke up sleepy and aggravated. Thus, I hate you.

But it's ok, I'm onto your game, Mister! I see what you are trying to do. You are trying your hardest to sabotage my week/month, as well as tarnish my positive outlook for Mondays in 2008 (repeat, "Mondays do NOT suck, Mondays do NOT suck...").

So i've got something for you, you twisted, conniving jerky bastard! I'm gonna get some tonight after work. I'm gonna go straight up to my boyfriend's job and seduce him during his 10-minute break. Then, after that, I'm going to go and have some ice cream and fresh baked chocolate chip cookies. And, just to spite you, i'm going to charge it all to my negative bank card just to show that you have no control over me, you stingy mood-crushing mutant.

What now, punk? You want some of me??? Bring it on.

Hoping that Tuesday - Friday aren't influenced by that thuggish bully, Monday and all his wild shenanigans,
Dear My Parent's Divorce,

You suck. Don't get me wrong - I am really glad you are happening (you seriously should have happened a LONG time ago), but you are taking too f*cking long. It's been over a year, and you still have my mom's and my dad's lawyers throwing proposals at each other because neither of my parents want to risk getting anything less than half/what they deserve.

My dad is being sneaky (like he has somewhat always been) and keeping things (like lots of money in stocks) from my mom and trying to screw her over with lies so he doesn't have to pay as much. Dad, you've never even had a mortgage to worry about - we lived in a dump while growing up and payed $100 in rent a month. You can afford to lose a bit in this divorce since we lost a lot while growing up. Granted, we didn't have much money, but we also didn't have a bedroom. I know that all that money you made each year is somewhere, and you have good credit so there is no way you can use the excuse that you don't have enough money. No one is believing it. You are living with your parents. They are 92 and 96 years old so they need you, but you don't have to pay anything for housing.

To top it all off, I bought a house for my mom so she could get out of that awful house with the $100/month rent because the propane-gas heating seemed certain to burn the house down any day. People cannot get loans while in divorces so I took the loan out myself because I thought it would be short-term. Instead, I have had a second home for more than a year! Furthermore, I have been paying all of the utilities for the house plus the mortgage payment while only getting reimbursed for the mortgage. AND I still have to pay my own f*cking apartment rent AND utilities (with no roommates to split costs with) in addition to owning my mom's house. I have enough money thanks to receiving too much money for the work I do, but I also don't like my job. Yet, my current situation of paying for someone else's house leaves me no choice but to stay in this shitty job while my only co-worker is a chauvinist pig who thinks that he can tell me what to do even though he has not been here as long as I have been. Plus, I am 10 times smarter than him.

And mom, you are buying all these new appliances on credit, and it's kinda pissing me off. I know you need some of these things (though they don't have to be the newest/fanciest versions!), but you are still digging yourself into a lot of debt and making me wonder if you will ever be able to buy the house back from me. To top it all off, my boyfriend has bought me a ring (but I haven't received it yet:(), and he is now hurting a bit for money. So guess who (ME) gets to pay for most of our dates now. For the above reasons, I have decided to go on a shopping strike for at least 30 days. I would have started earlier, but I had to shop at the Victoria's Secret Semi-Annual Sale or suffer from extreme depression from lack of new, sexy underwear. I've got to keep the T&A looking good so the ring can be given to me and my boy can continue to lust for me all day at work after seeing me in fancy, expensive underwear over the weekend.

I know it's not nice to say hate, but I am going to go ahead and say I hate you, my parent's divorce. Buck up, asshole, and just get finished. I don't have much more patience for trying to be the responsible one while my parents duke it out over IRA's, land and money. I thought I was supposed to be the child.
My mom's in debt to me by more than $5,000 plus a house,
Too nice for my own good


p.s. Dear Life rocks!
Dear homeless man who yelled "That door's broke!" at me when I was trying to exit Dunkin Donuts this morning,

I appreciate the warning, and I know that your life is pretty much unfortunate..... but would it kill you to use correct grammar? Just wondering....

Okay, you know what, THIS pisses me off. Know why? Because all that bitch did was gyp me out of a a delicious meal the other day because her "new girl" burrito packing skills suck ass. Biggest disappointment of my life. I was really hungry too. If any one deserves a missed connection, it's me, not Miss I-Don't-Know-How-To-Give-You-The-Adequate-Amount-Of- Nutrition-A's-Body-Deserves-And-Needs
Dear Assholes who are in cars, on bikes, or on rollerbades:

As pedestrians, my dog and I HAVE THE RIGHT OF WAY. Maybe don't drive 50 in a neighborhood and then be mad bc you took a corner at 80 only to realize my dog and I are in the crosswalk. And don't be all rollerbalding or biking and get pissed off bc my dog is deathly afraid of you and cowers and whimpers bc I WILL stick a stick in your wheel and flip you off your fucking high horse. You people all WISH your dog would swim and leap and catch frisbees and chase squirrels w/ reckless abandon and just generally be unsurpassedly cool.

I'll kill anyone on wheels if they look at my dog the wrong way,

PS when we're on the teeny tiny canal path, you can eat us bc there's a whole, paved, 2-way ped/bike only road right next to it. It's not our fault you are pretending to have an "all-terrain mountain biking experience" in the middle of DC.

Some More Vids For Ya...God I Love Kids.

No lie. This is QUITE POSSIBLY my favorite video that I have EVER seen on youtube.

The Spears Sisters At It Again

Soooo cute! :)
dear ex-boy that i'm on again off again with and only seem to be on with in the spring/summer,

hi. i miss you. i know i'm not supposed to be thinking about you til mid-marchish but i really do miss you. you understand me better than everyone else. and you're really cute. plus, we're one of those really *good* couples. the gross couples that everyone hates because we get along so well but not in a clingy kinda way.

so come on, fourth spring/summer in a row, cant you last this time? cause i know i dig autumn. and i can learn to like winter? so, can't weeeee make it through those? cause it doesn't make sense to be so good together during two goddamn seasons in a year but then the other two we don't even talk?! fuck that.

rooting for longer than 6 months,
Dear Boobs,

Why are you the first part of my body to shrink when I start to lose weight?? It couldn't be my bubble butt or love-handles or inner thighs?? No it has to be my fabulous breasts! I'm gonna go eat some ice cream....

Missing my C-cups,
Ummm...the last couple of posts (not by me) all have capitalized synonyms for giant in them. Funny.
Dear RIDICULOUSLY good looking co-worker,

I didn't know it was possible to still look good with a GINORMOUS cast on, but you proved me wrong. Please stop being so hot so that I can quit secretly stalking you through the window in my office. Our recent lunches together make me actually look forward to going to work....................WTF?!?!?!?! Please stop being so adorable so that I can go back to hating life and work. K?

Secretly wishing you will pull the fire alarm and ravish me,

p.s. did you really have to give money to the homeless women in front of me???? Could you BE any more PERFECT!
Dear Smoking Cigs While Drinking (....ok and other times throughout the day),

I think we need to stop. a) the half marathon is coming up again and there is no way i can run 13.1 with the black lung and b) boy doesn't like you.

Too bad you're so cool and dangerous. And you make me look awesome.
Dear ENORMOUS carrot I am currently munching on,

Is this really what being "healthy" is all about?? Hurting your mouth on a mutant grown carrot???

I can think of plenty other uses for a carrot this big (it really is huge and I'm not sure why) and gnawing on it like a reindeer aint one of them.

I better be able to see in the dark for this,
Dear friends.

I love you all.
We are so drunk from the gay vbar. Its amazing. I love my new life and

I lovei t.
Sooooooo much love!!

dear life bloggers and A: love!~!!!!!
Dear GIGANTIC Raise I Just Got,

I LOVE YOU!!!!! Let's run away together to some remote, tropic locale. Think of all the pineapple-y drinks with little umbrellas I could buy with you! I could laze around on the beach, and maybe use you to bribe a cabana boy to be my personal sex slave...Then when we're tired of gorgeous tan foreigners, we could go shoe shopping! Together we could be the proud owners of, like, 74 pairs of Manolos. Basically, with your help I can become the next Imelda Marcos -- and I can't think of anything more fab!

Things Are Lookin' Up,
Dear Roomates,

Could you please stop talking about poop for like, a day? Or at least while I'm eating? I know you are boys but I don't really want to hear about "prairie dogging" while I eat my hummus.

I live in a frat house,

Dear boy who got my number last night,

You were really cool, like REALLY cool. I was walking to the bar and you stepped in front of me and just started talking. I had to ask you if we had met before because you were so chill. You played along with my "bits" and jokes, were wearing a nationals hat AND are a photographer [THAT IS REALLY REALLY SEXY!]. And apparently not a yearbook or prom photographer [which made you laugh when I asked] but a real "artist". PLUS you were REALLY REALLY REALLY CUTE and I know I have a bad track record with determining the hotness of a guy while I am at a bar but I was pretty sober and your hotness was confirmed by 2 of my gal pals. You even came to find me before you left the bar to get my number and asked in front of my guy friends, I like a guy with guts. So...PLEASE CALL ME and soon.

Obsessively checking my voicemail,

P.S. My whole resolution of waiting until I am involved with someone before I even makeout with them is pretty much out the window.
Dear Ex-Sorority Sister/Facebook Friend,

Something is not right about the following list of interests:!, flip cup, MY BABY (due March 15th!!!!), beer, dancing on tables at bars (probably not a good idea now that i'm pregnant!).....

ESP. when your profile picture is your ULTRASOUND. Ugh.

My Soul Is Vomming More Than A Pregnant Lady With Morning Sickness,

P.S. - Who even puts 'dancing on tables at bars' as an interest anyway?! TRA-SHY.
Dear red flats I got in Paris,

Don't fall apart, I love you. I could replace you with a similar pair on but those wouldn't be from Paris now would they? And then every time someone commented on them I couldn't say "I got them in Paris!" while remembering pasteries, architecture, burlesque shows, and boutiques. Maybe I need to go back to replace you? Oui?

Dreaming of Shoes and Paris,
Dear playing the game 'Superlatives' all night long with my friends,

I was voted by the majority to be:
1. Most likely to end up on E True Hollywood Story
2. Most likely to need a lawyer
3. Most likely to hook up with a freshman
4. Most likely to have sex on the first date
5. Most likely to be president
6. Most likely to hook up with a professor
7. the list just continues....

You two girls and two guys might know me better than I originally thought...(minus that president one. really???)

I don't hate it,
Dear Grad School stress-induced metabolism,

Please come back. I want to eat chicken fingers without abandon again.

I don't want to get my PhD,
Dear hookah my sister got me from Turkey,

Who knew you would be so much fun and offer hours of social entertainment?

I did,

This Is So Fucked Up

Apparently someone out there is actually crazier than Britney Spears.
Dear my roommate's apples and my peanut butter,

You two have continuously been making sweet love in my mouth for the past week, but I know that soon, your torrid love affair will end (since all of her apples will be gone, and I'll eventually run out of peanut butter).

But you'll always have Paris...and Trader Joes.

Forever juicy and creamy-crunchy goodness,
dear birthday in a week,

i'm writing you a week in advance so you can prepare not to suck. my plans for you are extremely to the point. so, i'm just asking you not to suck. please.

cause this is the year i should technically "grow up". OUCH. sooo, i plan on getting waaaaasted. too many shots, falling out of my heels, wanting to puke, making out with someone hot, et cetera. hell, i might even do a body shot or two. i want to have a helluva good time.

so, birthday, do me right,
This makes me laugh

The only critic is her son, who Hambleton says is "very, very unhappy" with the ad and claims the alcohol was left by a passenger.

She Makes Me Look Like The Most Modest Person On Earth

Narcisstic much?
Dear cute/fun Chicago girls between the ages of 21-25,

Will you be my friend? Hanging out with the guitarhero playing boyfriend all the time is getting a little old. I know you have friends already, but I think I'd be a nice addition to your group. We can go shopping, get drinks, perhaps brunch, pedicures... It's not that I'm unpopular... it's just that I don't know anyone in Chicago! Can we please meet and then hang out without it being awkward??

~Deaming of SATC-esq girl-friendships in IL~
Dear co-dependent new roommate,

You were still cool when you drank the last of my soy milk. You were still kinda cool when you gave away my ENTIRE pie to your father because you claimed that I would "never eat it" after I had only had it for 3 days. I still thought you were cool when you used every dish in the kitchen, then packed every piece of trash in a pile, and then told me that you couldn't take it out yourself because you threw out your back. But when you begged me at 10pm right before I got into to bed to drive you "right down the street", and then I find out that this random place is not only NOT "right down the street" (try 5 miles down the street), but that the place is Blockbuster, that is when you lost your cool card.

So how about this: the next time you throw your back out lifting 1,000 lbs of laundry and then decide to make it even worse by doing 2 hours of TaiBo, don't go f*cking up my life by making me feel obligated to help you because I feel sorry for you and because you let me move into your place without giving you the full deposit. That's not very nice, it's not very decent, and it is especially, not very all.

In addition, I do not appreciate you taking 40 minutes at Blockbuster picking out (1) movie and then chatting up the 19-year-old clerk about myspace. Don't you understand that I have to be at work by 7AM??? That means I have to wake up by at least 5:45 in order to get to work on time with all the f*cked up traffic. So that extra hour that you STOLE from me caused me to not only wake up late, but to get to work 30 mins late as well. Thanks so much for that.

Just do one thing for me, though: sleep with one eye open.

Contemplating smothering her with a full body pillow,
Dear 2008 haters,

Let's not write the whole year off yet. I am trying wicked hard to enjoy 08 better than 07, and none of you lovely people are helping.

50 weeks till 2009
Jon in Denver
Dear life,

I just went to the bathroom, and I don't remember eating peanuts

Dear People Who Say, "Ugly People Need Love, Too," When I Gripe About Being Single,

Pretty people need love too, damnit!

Don't hate me because I am beautiful,
Dear Vag:

Being the optimist you are, you went and got waxed. You look shit hot, I'll admit. It's too bad the person carrying you around doesn't put forth the effort you do, b/c you're never going to be able to show off your new 'do (or lack thereof) unless she sacks up.

I like that you are still trying, though. Even after 2 whole months of, well, nothing.

Rub off on me (and not any rando that walks by, even though you want to a really lot),
Dear Ace,

HELLO?! Why didn't you call ME?! Clearly you are not hanging out in the right places or with the people because me and this city have a serious and steamy affair going much so that my loyalties may not ever be able to be challenged.

Stay clear of 2nd avenue and meet me in Hillsboro's where the cool kids are.

Dear Nashville,

What happened all these great stories I hear about this being 'Music City' and having THE 'Downtown' of all cities? I've been in your great state since Sunday, and I've felt nothing but cheated out of an experiences that should leave me full of regret and shaking my head. I've had an obnoxious quantity of: computer time, unhealthy food, back pain due to sleeping on the hardest couch known to man, and emotional binging, but absolutely zero fun, crazy, music-y adventures that would make me glad I spent $400 to visit.

And to think I was so excited about leaving my beloved, fantastic, hometown of D.C.

Next time, thinking before I cheat,
Dear Jim Adams of the DC Area:

I met you on Sunday and kinda wanna give reverse cowgirl another try just for you. Trouble is, I can't FIND you. You showed up w/ someone no one knew and I, being naive, felt certain I could track you down after the fact. Hence, I need any of your friends who may be Dear Life readers to tell you I'm looking for you. If it helps, you are tall, lanky, blonde, and were a "virgin" before Sunday. I was the beer bitch and you told me I was doing a good job and I kind of loved you for it. *siiiigh*

Here's hoping that (a) your friends read this and (b) you don't have a girl/boyfriend,

PS I truly believe more people read this than the rando craigslist missed connections. Uhhh...I might still check/post anyway...
Dear Life,

Your full of valley's and hill's that I jouney through. Thank you for letting me be on the hill for awhile, It's a great view from up here!

Dear Lady Wearing No Less Than FOUR Conflicting Greens and an I <3 Jesus Hat,

Jesus told me he'd love you back if you invested in some matching outfits.

Not A Sermon, Just A Thought,

God, I Just Love Marcia And Lorenzo

Um, I died at about the 4:00 marker when they start talking about oral sex.
Dear First Kisses,

i forgot how fun and tingly you are.

and how nice you are when i'm sober.

Back In High School Again And Loving It,
Dear Wine and Laundry Night That I Had Been Looking Forward To All Week,

It's hard to do laundry when your water gets turned off in your apartment. Guess it's gonna be just Wine and ...Wine Night.

My Life Sucks,
Dear Dream Job,

I know you're out there somewhere, and even though I haven't been looking that long, effing show up already and hire me. And why don't you give me more money and a cooler office, while you're at it? You know, a place where I can show my mom and she will look impressed instead of worried. And, please don't come with the following: an alcoholic/substance addicted boss, a lazy d-bag pseudo-boss, mold, dirty floors, no refrigerator, no way to get promoted. Basically, I just want a marketing job that's fun and where everyone and everything is pretty. Is that too much to ask? (Probably...but I hope not.)

Hire Me and I'll Be Yours Forever~
dear new study that says young women are choosing their careers over love,

you're right - that's EXACTLY why i'm still single.

climbing up the corporate ladder with my lonely heart,
Dear undergraduate sorority sisters,

Sometimes I will myself into believing you are cool. Then I see the horrendous photos you post to facebook and I can't help but be ashamed. You bring muffin tops and bad outfits to a whole new level. Is it in the budget to hire a personal trainer? Or a stylist at least?? Unforch for you there are not hotter older girls to make you look somewhat cool anymore. We are embarrassed and send mass emails about how fug you are for our own amusement. You're such a joke.

Thanks for the laughs!
~Cyber bully~
Dear Boy 2,

Um, you just gave me the sweetest kiss after helping me all day.

I think I like you. A lot.

And I think you're a better kisser than Boy 1.

Today you win.
Dear Drunk Self

Why do you always feel it necessary to want to make out with the boy who Sober Self is pretty sure is gay? Perhaps you two should talk and coordinate better. Thanks!

Dear Global Warming,

If you mean mid-January DC temperatures of 73 degrees and afternoon ice cream breaks, then maybe I like you after all.

Sorry Polar Bears,

Probably My Fave Post Ever

NOT Dear Dear Life Haters:

You people are the reason why I would buy out's "I Hate People" t-shirt section. You know what? I don't go around reading shit I hate and commenting on it!!! (Okay, I kinda wanna do that, but still, I don't.) And don't act like all the stories about falling down, making out, and parental trauma aren't freaking funny b/c they really, really are. Please reference my dear to people who don't get my sense of humor and then add a "and kindly go f*ck yourself" to the end of it. Get over yourselves already.

Can't Wait to Meet One of You and Bitch Slap Your Not-Funny Ass,

PS Dear Lifers, I so love y'all. Seriously. Don't change.
Dear Life:

Thank you for constantly validating my belief that I am one of the funniest people I know. If only single, semi-normal, straight DC men would read this and reply to me so that I could be one of the most gettin it people I know.

Funny is good, but f*ckin is better,

PS DC men, seriously, I WILL NOT talk about your peen here. (I just laughed so hard.) No, REALLY!!!