Dear Caller,

Sorry for making you repeat three times that you wanted to be tested for STD's when you called my office today to make an appointment.

Totally inept at talking on the phone, AKA
Dear Bridget Jones,

Hoorah! Am no longer tragic spinster but proper girlfriend of bonafide sex god so committed that he's taking me on a full-blown mini-break holiday weekend.

Even better he looks like Daniel Cleaver (well, if you squint) and has the heart of Mark Darcy. Take that Jones.

This is an occasion for genuinely tiny knickers,
Dear really gross/gooey/swollen/nasty left eye,

Thank you for pre-ruining my potentially fabulous weekend. I look like a doped up Paris Hilton that has been punched in the face.

Hiding under my largest sunglasses until this passes,
~Wonky LaDiva~
Dear people who call me at work,

When I answer my phone I say, "This is Melissa." NOT "This is Martha." Stop freaking calling me MARTHA!!! If you don't know my name, then you SHOULD NOT be calling me! I'm more important to my company than a damn secretary and I shouldn't have to transfer your calls!

Not answering the phone for 10 mins so I can check this blog,

She has a point.

Dear A,

You do realize that you are living on money that you ARE going to have to pay back at some point in your life...

Love, your self-appointed financial advisor / feeling your same pain / just caved into a pair of Seven Skinny's...
Dear Boss,

I want you to know I've been very productive today. Over the past hour I've facestalked, gchatted, and now I'm trimming my arm hair with the scissors from the desk of the girl whose cube is next to mine.

Dear KB,

You really showed me who's the grown woman here.

Here's the 411:
We went to elementary school together. You lived on my block. I knew your mom. 6th grade, we graduated, you met my current bf in junior high and you guys are still "cool". I re-met you 2.5 years ago when me and the bf got together. You seemed cool, but a bit vain (i should have known then).
I invited you to everything we have done over the past 2 years. You always found some way to turn me down and make me feel like you were better than me. Including the time you told me that I shouldn't have my birthday party at the club that I worked at in Hollywood because that was so "childish", but instead i should have it at a comedy club because THEN, and only then, you would go. (What a b*tch!)
Yet and still, i invited your self-centered ass to my bf's camping trip, even against my bf's wishes, and THIS is what you do? You send me an email not only saying that you can't go (duh), but also telling me how you need to save for your wedding, you got a brand new car, you are looking for the "perfect house" because you guys are planning on having babies in a year, and also adding that me and dom are just doing "different things than we are trying to do" and that you have better things to do.

So, when I replied that you were a self-centered, tactless tranny, I expected you to reply, but not like this.

I believe your words were "I don't f*cking know you, and me and your bf are like family. I have known him my ENTIRE LIFE" (ok, if you have been keeping up, i said me and her went to elementary school together and THEN she met my bf in junior high. the bitch is deranged.)

you also added that "you have only been around a hot second, me and your bf know each other. i don't know you. you JUST came on the scene".
(if i'm not mistaken, me and my bf have been dating for 2.5 years. where the f*ck has this b*tch been?)

She ends with "Sweetie, you need to get on my grown woman game and stop acting like a child."
(That part was totally my fave. hahahhaahhahahah!)

So what I am really trying to say, KB, is: Thanks...for proving that you are an egotistical, vapid troglodyte who wants everyone to believe that her life is perfect.

Here is my gift to you, you condescending ass bulldog: a you can get the f*ck over it.

p.s. Congrats on the wedding!
Dear PIN number,

It's finally payday. WHY can i not remember you and thus not access any of my money?!!?!

Dear Eve,

I'm so pissed at you. I forgot a sports bra today for my daily 'after work run'. I can't run without a sports bra because it would be painful...but I HAVE to run because you bit that damn apple and God punished us for your actions with slow moving metabolisms.

Bouncing around,

PS - to all you is really refreshing to have someone to blame your female issues on. Try using the phrase "I'm so pissed at Eve" at any moment when you have cramps, can't have sex when you want to, or are subject to the horrendousness of being a female. Say the phrase out loud. Not only is it funny, but it relieves a lot of stress.
Dear jec,

Awww thanks for worrying about me! I am fine, apparently in England earthquake= slight tremor. Disappointingly, I slept through the whole thing!

Nice to have fans,
Dear Roommate,

It felt really empowering yesterday evening when we had the following convo:

Me: [putting on shoes]
You: Where are you going?
Me: Um... I was invited to Wine Night by some coworkers.
You: ...And are you going to invite me?
Me: [deep breath] No. I don't know these people well enough to show up with an extra guest who wasn't invited.

In the past you've brow-beaten me into inviting you places when I wasn't comfortable doing so. I think it's rude to extend extraneous invitations to small, intimate gatherings when you are not the event planner, and I've told you so. It's not that I'm trying to exclude you, but here are two things to keep in mind (aside from the above):

1) I talk about work with my coworkers/friends. Not in the problem-solving way, but in the bitching about management, telling funny stories about other coworkers way. You don't work with us, you aren't going to work with us, and you generally seem to have a difficult time listening to stories that don't involve something you can relate to--so you change the subject to you, which is rude and a transparent attention-grab.

2) For the holy love of Jesus, we do not need to spend all of our free time together. We are not married. You are my roommate, not my Siamese twin. Sometimes I get to go places without you, and I should not be made to feel guilty for not inviting you someplace sometimes.

So our little chat wherein I informed you that, no, you weren't going to be invited last night might have been slightly uncomfortable for the both of us, and nothing more than a small blip to most people, but it was the first sign that I'm finally finding the cojones to live my own life without trying to please everyone else.

Feeling slightly liberated,

PS Wow you were a total cock-block on Friday. You don't bitch about being so tired that you almost fell asleep at the restaurant and say how much you can't wait to go to bed, and then, when you find out that me and a guy are gonna go get a drink, decide you're awake enough to tag along.
Dear Bf,

Does anything ever set you off, other than me? I am really trying to figure this out because I am really under the assumption that if your ex-girlfriend set your house on fire, you would not be the slightest bit mad at her, but more mad at me for pointing out that you should be mad at her. I am not sure, but this does not sound like a healthy relationship to me.

Let's go get a bottle of Patron tequila and talk it all out.

Still studying the male race as a form of virus or a tumor (it's not a tumor!)
Dear boyfriend,

Thanks for sleeping all evening while I was awake and bored and then trying to get some at 2:00 am when I was trying to sleep. We need to get on the same schedule ASAP. And by that I mean you need to get on mine!

Dear New Hobo International Clutch,

I fucking love you. I don't care that I spent a hundo on basically a WALLET. You're the shit and I feel like a sexier person carrying you.

Not Shallow AT ALL,
Dear adorable new kitten,

Good thing you peed all over my favorite bra.

Please don't ruin my life...
Dear Tyler,

I know I don't really know you, and I don't people probably don't consider me a "Dear Lifer" but I thought I'd let you know that I totally empathize with you. I was carrying my TV and it totally cut my wrist vertically. I looked like a failed suicide. The resulting scar is totally sweet.


PS. I hope that you got to go to the doctor for that... and that they said everything was ok.


My Internet was out yesterday.

Your Prayer Was Answered

Dear A,

Please post this soon, because I can NOT keep looking at that nasty bloody arm every 5 minutes while I am sitting at my desk trying not to do work. (No offense, Tyler. I hope you are feeling better and I hope that your future scar brings you lots of sympathy/ass from numerous hotties).

Dear My boy,

this weeked you said the following,
"You know what I saw that made me think of you? you know the Linsay Lohan version of the Last Sitting?" Yes? "Just made me think of you"
And I was kind of enamoured of you.

And then, tonight, you clarify,
"lol, i was refering to the marylin shoot, i mean, lindsay was hot, but you're way more classic glamor than she is...lindsay is still a girl, to me, you and marylin are women ;-) i mean, i'd not kick lindsay out of bed, but I was comparing you the marylin shoot, much more luxurious, and come on baby, you're an original, never a copy...I'm gonna have to insist, you're a marylin to me, not a lindsey"
and then I swooned onto my couch with the teddy bear that came with my V Day flowers that I pretended I didn't care about but sometimes cuddle with....

Feeling more and more fabulous everytme I talk to you,
dear shameless,

i just heard that london was hit with an earthquake. please let us know that you are okay.

love hearing about your antics,
Dear Tyler,

Listen, I'm totally just writing this, hoping A will post it so that I don't have to look at your gross-out wound every time I open my browser.
No offense.

That'll be the most bad-ass scar ever,
Dear Life/lifers:


(i wish i could insert a "are these girls too pretty to fly? vote yes
or no" poll a la perez. )

Sick Out. I Can't Believe I'm Posting This

Dear Knife I was cutting cheese with,

Wow. You really got the best of me. I was so focused on how yummy the cheese was gonna be, and totally not expecting you to filet my wrist down to bone. You got me! So now, thanks to you, I have little functionality/feeling left in my hand. Touché. Although I have to admit it was kinda cool seeing the exposed tendons move back and forth as a I moved my thumb. So thanks to you, I went out and bought the biggest jug of cheap ass wine I could find. We’s getting PTSD drunk tonight.

Knives will always win vs. skin,


Ps, I’ve attached a really sweet pic of the damage. NOT FOR THE SQUEAMISH Sorry A.
Dear New Boy,

"There's a spot in my arms where you belong."

Thank you for saying this to me before signing off googlechat for bed.
You are cute.

Dear Apartment Building (Landlord),

I can't really complain a whole lot. It's a good area, a clean place to live, for not an exuberant amount of money. However, I think it's pretty bad when:

-I can't shower without having random interrupts in the hot/cold water, probably due to sharing pipes and hot water heaters with another apartment in the building. Pretty sure that's against regulations. If I'M paying for water, you could at least have redone the plumbing before renting out the building.

-I can't use my microwave without the lights dimming. When the fridge kicks on, the lights flicker. When the air conditioning (in the summer) kicks on, the lights flicker. Pretty sure THAT'S not up to code, either.

Can't wait to be done with college and move the hell out of here,
Dear eyes,

Why did you have to look so close through the cracks of the bathroom stall and see 40-something (fat) loser co-worker almost completely naked on the toilet?

This must be what hell is like,
Dear Super K-mart,

You are sooo not super. How can you possibly be if you run out of pork sausage at 2 in the morning on a saturday night??? I mean, isn't that the time when all 85 of your late-night employees restock your shelves for hungry college students? They sure had me fooled when I saw them moving and unpacking random boxes and containers. Maybe it was just to throw me off and ruin my bi-weekly naked sunday brunch with my boo. Idk, but is it too much to ask for sausage?! Is it?!!!

You disgust me with your punk-assery,
Dear Frozen Loaf of Garlic Bread,

You are the easiest thing in the world to make. So, why do I burn you EVERY SINGLE TIME!?!??!!

Th first half a dozen times were sort of funny, now I'm just sad. And hungry.

The Rambo of garlic bread,
dear trucks,

you are a lot easier to do it in than i thought.

pardon me for my prejudice,
Dear TV Guide Channel,

Is it possible for you to put two MORE annoying people together for your Academy Awards red carpet coverage? I thought Joan and Melissa were bad but you've taken the cake this time. Joey FATone is a giant perv and Lisa D-list Renna is so plastic it hurts my face just to look at her. Things only get worse when they start to open their mouths. Make it stoppp!!! I just want some decent Oscar coverage with full body shots of celebs so that I can judge them and don't need your mindless mumble getting in the way. I'm turning to Gulianna and Ryan on E! and staying there.

Smell. Ya. Later.

Can't you just see the big polar bear saying "Just shh....just let me...shhhh" when he goes in for the kill?
Dear My Cat,

You are super cute. Especially when you are waiting in the window for
me to get home, and when i am looking for my keys at the door, you
jump down and greet me as i walk in.


This morning when you decided to VOMIT from the top of the coffee
table to the floor? Yeah, that was kind of annoying. You don't need an
aerial perspective, you just do it. Preferably in a neat, tiny pile.
For easy cleanup.

Glad it wasn't on any of my possessions, like my bag-
Dear Inordinate Amount of Time B.C. Movie:

I don't get your appeal. So what if you've got CG saber-toothed tigers? Are you supposed to have some point? There is NO way ANYone thinks you are a good idea. You are yet another example of why I refuse to spend my money on anything Hollywood vomits into the mainstream.

Would rather masturbate with an old broom than watch you,

Please read the following article to make yourself feel awesome compared with some of the other trashy sad people in the world.

Hope you love it as much as I do!
dear everyone,

just when you thought YOU had a weird life...

food for thought,
Dear Coworker,

Why are you such an annoying B*#TCH?!?!? Your level of work inappropriateness is outstanding!! Complaining about the one time you had to work late is not appreciated! Some of us stay "late" everyday and dont complain at all. Lastly, wearing shirts that could fit a 2 year old went out of style in the early 90's, please go buy some clothes that actually fit you.

Dreading going to work everyday,
Dear World,

Does anyone else think the phrase "D-Ring" (like a D-Ring Binder) sounds vaguely sexual/kinky? Or is it just me?

Dear Life,

Why are you so fucking crazy? Only me, I swear to G.

Picture it:

Boyfriend drops me off. We make out. Put on a show for the car behind us, but we don't care. Walk away from the car with bags in hand and goofy, residual Mary Tyler Moore smile plastered on my face. Look up to see...the dreaded ex-factor entering the airport. We have awkward run-in considering we haven't spoken for months but have been talking mad shit. Head on confrontation. In the fucking airport. I was ill-prepared and taken aback. You made it unavoidable. You bitch, you.

Dear "Partnership":

I miss you when you are not here to "commit' some of the best sex I have EVER had in my life. I am jealous when you are with your wife, yet you manage to make it up to me when you come back. Am I sick to buy sexy panties just to try them out on my husband first to make sure that you will like them??? If lovin' you is wrong, I don't wanna be right. Can not wait until you come back and I bought some new silky pj's. That's right...drink it in.....

Your "best little slut ever"
dear nostalgia,

go get FUCKED.

hate you for real,

ps. my green light special, come back. i miss you something awful.
Dear me,

I'm glad that YOU thought it was a good idea for you to drive last night instead of your boyfriend. Because, in MY humble opinion, I think you are borderline autistic.

After a nice round of Cadillac margaritas (no salt), 2 beers, and a half a glass of Adios, your ass was ADIOS! Yet and still, when bf started throwing up and pissing (at the same time) on the side of a random building, you thought you were seriously hot shit because you hardly even felt nauseous. Now, I am no rocket scientist, but I don't think that is a good indicator of whether you are sober enough to drive.

I'm just glad that you kept yourself awake by yelling random curse words at bf, who was passed out long before the key hit the ignition.

Never again again,
Hey British Boyfriend,

When I said "It's fine you are going out of town, I don't really care about Valentines day" what I actually meant was "I am too cool/progressive to act like I care about Valentines day but I still fully expect you to make it up to me with a huge romantic gesture when you get back to town."

Did you not catch that?

Dear Subconscious,

Thanks for mentally smacking me upside the head. I don't think you could've BEEN any more blunt than you were last night when you gave me a lovely little gem of a dream in which i'm about to walk down the aisle with someone I don't love when I look at myself in the mirror and suddenly - ding ding ding! - realize that WTF, I can't possibly marry this guy.

Yep, that's pretty effin' straightforward. After wavering about my feelings for New Guy for the past month and a half, I think we've basically made up our mind. As to why the fiancee was my childhood friend's older brother whom I haven't spoken to since he used to pull my braids in elementary school...? Now that one's a little tougher to figure out.

You're So Kooky, Subconscious, But I Love You Anyway,
Dear Annoying Co-Worker ("I Can't Take This"),

Please don't rub in my face the fact that you are going to see the Spice Girls World Tour tonight, for the following reasons:

1) I know you have a 14 yr old daughter but still, knowing you, I'm gonna go with...creeeeeeepy.

2) I am really jealous.

Dying to See Little Cruz's Breakdancing SkillZ,
Dear Boyfriend's Mentee,

Yeah, you may never get back that Lil' Weezy cd that you left in my boo's car that I stole. Bet you didn't think "adults" would understand dat crunk shit. Actually I've been jamming out to it all week. If you only knew...we're not as different as you think.

Dear Old Man Running And Singing Jim Morrison At The Top of His Lungs This Morning,

You are effin' hilarious running downtown in the middle of the morning commuter rush, looking all Richard Simmons-esque, toting a WALKMAN of all things, and bellowing "Touch me" by The Doors. Where did you come from,1969??!!?! For a second I really thought everyone around you would start dancing and singing as you passed, and together we would turn the Golden Triangle into a free-lovin' hippie music fest. Sigh...

Hey! It Could Happen,
Dear Wisdom Teeth,

Normally I reserve this statement for boys but: I can't wait until you're not inside me anymore.

I hate you
Dear Other "B:"

AAAHHHHH!!! NOOOOOOO!!!! You are the antithesis of me in every single one of your blogs!!!! I was here first and can't have people confusing us!!!!

Sorry, Charlie,

PS Capitalizing it doesn't count b/c sometimes I drunk-post and god only knows what happens

Holy God, this girl is hilarious. I'm obsessed.

I want this girl to be my best friend.

More On The Hula Chair

Dear Cruz Beckham,

We should hang out. Hurry up and become of age to party.

Dear co-workers in my region,

You guys are pretty sweet ass. You are alchys, much like myself. You like me and the fact that I am young, smart and motivated. You let me travel a lot and you feed me expensive/really good dinners at my favorite restaurants.

I want to say thank you for the possibility of a promotion that typically takes 4-5 years to get and I will be considered after less than 1 year in my position.

However, I have been keeping a secret. I may or may not be able to accept that promotion (if it is offered to me in the near future) due to the fact that I have been applying to law schools behind your back. Thats right. I will find out in May if I am accepted and I will be gone by June.

Shittttttt....I feel like I suck at life and hate lying to you because you are so cool,

PS - If you paid me more, I might be tempted to put off law school for a year, but the raise would have to be significant.
PPS - If you find me a sweet ass boyfriend to go with the promo and job, I will be really really tempted to stay with the company (hey, no one said the benefit package couldn't include an actual male with a package)
Dear Ridiculous Management Staff,

Here are some of today's quotes, so you know how stupid/condescending/inappropriate you sounded at the staff meeting today.

Alcoholic Boss: "I don't think 'job protection' means that I have to keep YOUR job for you if you go on maternity leave, I think it means I have to keep A job for you. ...No? Well, do you have documented cases on that?"

Lazy Boss: "You guys don't realize how lucky you have it here. We could give you no vacation for your first year if we wanted to. Really, I'm being pretty generous."

Alcoholic Boss: "Name me one business that has Martin Luther King Jr. Day off. ...What? Schools? Banks? The Post Office? All your friends? Well, my wife doesn't, so we're not going to either."

Lazy Boss: "If you work over 12 hours in one day, we should change the meal expense allowance to $20 per meal instead of $10." (btw, he's morbidly obese. kind of like Margerie, below.)

Alcoholic Boss: "Are you sure the FMLA doesn't cover businesses under 50 people? Where did you hear that? The FMLA? Oh."

SOO glad I have 4 interviews in the next 2 weeks,
Dear Roomates,

Can we PLEASE get a pet sea lion? They are so adorable and (according to the documentary on tv) super smart! Did you know that they can tell the difference between numbers and letters? Amazing! She could live in our bathtub and do tricks at parties and as a bonus, defend our home from intruders (would you want to run into an angry sea lion on the middle of the night? I wouldn't).

Any lame-o could get a cat, or a hamster. Let's be different! Or if we can't have a sea lion, maybe an otter?

Aquatic mammals are the best,

I Bet Her Name Is Margerie

Dear women's business conference,

Please tell Star Jones that I am happy that her head is not as big in person as it is on TV and the internet. And that it is ok that she couldn't remember my name for the entire day and kept calling me "Veronica". Tell her that I love her anyway and to call me.

Oh, and tell Ruby Dee that she is the cutest old lady in the whole widest world ever! And tell her that she was ROCKIN that grey wig and that I want to be her when I grow up.

Tell Brian McKnight that he deserved to get groped by that old lady in a business suit. He should not have been pelvic thrusting like that.

Wine + Brian McKnight on Valentine's Day = Sexual harassment (due to 500 to 1 ratio of women to men)

And finally, tell Jill Scott that I'm still available for adoption. I'm potty trained, I answer phones, and I cook a mean sausage omelet...with grits. :)

Until next time,
Dear Boy Who Has Been In My Life For The Past Year,

You really have caused me nothing but trouble. YOU contacted me, begged me to date you for months, when i finally cave and go out with you, you tell me "i'm not interested in a relationship" (4 MONTHS after we begin seeing each other, having sex, etc.) And i was totally cool with that. Sure, we continued sleeping together occasionally. Yeah, i was "your girl" according to the entire fucking City of Pittsburgh. You also cock-blocked me on MULTIPLE occasions from really nice dudes, and now that i am quasi-dating one, you make fun of him/us. Oh, yeah. And i know about all of the other girls, too. But i'm stupid and i stuck around regardless.

Well, listen up. All of that is cool. But you really fucking proved yourself to be an asshole when you decided that you'd take your band out of the lineup of entertainment for the benefit I am planning for my friend's son. Thanks for your help. And thanks for your encouraging words of "you aren't going to make any money that weekend." Yeah, well, Go To Hell because i AM going to make money, and i'm going to find much
better bands than yours to play that will bring a better crowd.

Your alpha-malery is going to catch up to you soon. Starting with me. Treating girls like princesses when they are around other guys specifically to deter them from checking me out is S.H.A.D.Y.

also: i am a much cuter, nicer and i dance better than the other girls you see.

No Longer Your Pawn-

ps: i'm going to be angry about this for a while.
Dear L.Furr,

Happy Birthday! You are the best. You were the only person I knew in college who could dress like a prostitue to class and still look adorable.

dear lfurr/la diva,

happy birthday! too bad you're stuck at work. and too bad you don't know how to work the staple machine.

i hope you find a new fun job... but i hope that this new fun job you can still talk to me for 8 hours/day on gtalk.

let's go back to college,
Dear Apparent New BFF,

I'd just like you to know that, having spent the last three nights sleeping in the same bed, we're apparently in the most stable relationship I've ever had. (Let's not hook up and ruin it, k?)

If only I can get you to put down the toilet seat...

This Is So Fucking Funny To Me

If you liked that, go to this site and drag the mouse over the spots for more stain gibberish.

Holy Shit, Lohan Nakey!

Dear Life,

I wish my nipples looked like Lohan's cute pale pink ones...

Dear Jesus,

Thank you for Penicillin because my throat feels like someone is scraping it with a sharp blade, while my neck has several tumor-like lymphnodes protruding. Not cute.

Shit my dick, this sucks.

Dear The Cure,

my rekindled love for your music would probably be disturbing to most others.

lucky Robert Smith is hot,
Dear Dear Life Bloggers,

I don't want to distract you from our fantastically sarcastic and amusing reads that we are provided with on a daily basis, but I did want to share with you some blogs from the DC area that I can't stop reading.

Each morning (and 3-4 times while at work) I check this blog and then, and I must admit that roissy is a lot more funny than rooshv. They are written by two guys who live in the DC area and some of what they write can be offensive to women...which makes it sooo much more funny! I learned about these from a fab DC guy-friend who knows my sarcastic humor. I think you all will enjoy as well!

Don't give up on Dear Life...simply add these into your routine if you like them! I mean, anything to distract you from actually working while you are getting paid to do so, right?

Blogging love,
Dear Life,

I got the best Valentines Day gift ever this year – and it was free. Many men have attempted to impress me with flowers, candy, stuffed animals and even a coupon book for tasks he'd be willing to perform. They all pale in comparison. I found out Tiffany's and Co. is coming to town. No longer will I have to glean over Tiffany's Web pages and long to wear the gorgeous jewelry. Come November, I'll be able to walk into the store and drool on the actual Tiffany's counter.

Thanks for making my year!
Dear Frat,

Ok, I realize that joining the music fraternity on campus wasn't exactly going to give me a direct route into the popular crowd; but when we spent the majority of our Saturday night watching opera diva's sing, discussing proper vibrato, and then get into a heated discussion about which was happier major seconds or major thirds (I voted for major thirds). It made me seriously question my entire existence. Seriously guys? You/We are lame.

I love you bitches,


Dear A,

Happy Birthday!

I hope the party was so good that you get a stern letter from the leasing office!

- blondie
Dear Aids on the EARLY Night of her 24th Birthday ,

You rocked it with your cock out betch!

love your face and open your eyes,
dear UF,

i didn't really want to go to you ANYWAYS.
gainesville is a concrete-y shithole of a town where there are only two types of people (type a wears jorts, roams the city shoeless, and has significantly less than a full set of teeth; type b is a cocky asshole bastard majoring in Biochemistry with a minor in Making Other People Feel Insignificant) and that always reeks of mushrooms.

but i would have liked it if you accepted me anyways.
because the fact that you accepted the stupidest girl that i have ever met and rejected ME, a shining beacon of fluid intelligence, in the snootiest letter i have ever read, makes me want to punch you in the face.

and probably doesn't even know what the SAT is.
so i just want to know, what was wrong with my 1380 and my 3.67 unweighted gpa??

therefore, UF, please suck my dick as soon as possible....
because it will NOT be coming (heh) to you as a member (heh) of the oh-so-prestigious Class of 2012.

i'm not bitter OR jealous,
Dear life,

Sometimes the Higher power above us knows what we need ... and also has a sense of humor! Below is an example ...

"Dear d2 ,

Your online resume is impressive and because of your retail background, I feel you would make a great candidate for an opening we need to fill. Included is some basic information about this vacancy.

Victoria Secret"

P.S. - Happy birthday A!
Dear Life,

Um, so I'm getting kind of worried. It's my birthday, I have friends, and I have an apartment. It only makes sense to have a party, but now I'm extremely nervous thinking about how many people I invited and what that actually means. Sure, it's fun to be popular, but did I really need to invite this guy?! I'm thinking that maybe I should have been a little more thoughtful when I made an evite for 60 people (and their significant others) when I have a tiny apartment.

Here are my concerns...
(a) my carpet will look leopard print by the end of the night
(b) when I need to go throw up in my bathroom, there will be a line
(c) my VERY QUIET apartment complex is going to be VERY angry at me and my lack of consideration
(d) the cops may be called
(e) I will be too drunk to tell them my name when they're taking me in

this could be amazing or an intensely bad idea. we'll see!

P.S. Happy Birthday to me! (on Sunday)
Dear Boy,

Ok, we've been talking for a while now. We really hit it off; banter and flirting and crushing. What we have is nice; what we have can't last. I've known from the beginning this would never last. You're not really what I'm looking for: you're too short, you're a stoner, you never went to school, you didn't have a job for the first few months I knew you, and you have an extremely shady past. On top of all the reasons why we can't work is the fact that I am moving in less than a year. Way less than a year. But still, seeing you online tonight, and us not even talking really hurts. It's sad that after our first romantic date, things had to go way south. I just don't understand why I can't stop thinking about you. On the bright side: At least I won't have you deepthroating me and making me look like I have a giant bush with your Jewfro.

Dear Dear Life Valentines Cynics:

We "not lookworthies" still heart you
Just because you're SO hot're smart and nice and funny too
but we only care about the hot

And the fact that you're all psycho
That's hot too

So if your valentine sucked
Because your boo didn't woo
Just know
We would die to let you wreck us with your insane mixed-message unhealthy angry manipulation

Cept we'll want to partake of that hotness...Duh

Always up for being your post-valentines revenge victim

Dear People Who Think The World Revolves Around Them,

It fuckin' doesn't.

It Revolves Around Me (DUH),
Dear guy I'm interning for,

I want to bone you. More specifically, I want you to bone me. Yesterday I wanted you to buy me a shot of jose and bone me on your desk. And now today I think I actually like your personality (a feat upon itself). This building over time thing is going to make me jump you by the end of the semester which is NOT good. But so good. So every day when you wink at me or touch me on my side when I leave...know that I take it there. And then I think about it later (gross). But seriously, isn't the lottery ticket and the diet coke you bought me for valentine's day mean true love even though I've only been interning for a week mean true love?

I love you and you love your girlfriend,
Dear Tink,


Thank the fucking lord someone else feels the same way I do,
Dear Dear-Lifers,

Here's to the one's we love.
Here's to the one's that love us.
But the ones we love, don't love us.
So fuck 'em all - and here's to us!

Happy Valentine's Day!

Dear Pa,

I miss you already so much. Thank god your pain and suffering is now over, I just hope you're up there having a scotch watching down on us.
I will miss your hugs, your kisses and especially miss the way your face lit up a room.
Rest In Peace my Pa
I Love you xxxx

Dear Guy Who Is Adorable And Great,

I don't know why I can't open up and let myself just be crazy about you. You are nice and sweet and good looking, and we have a lot in common and always tons of stuff to talk about, and I can't understand why I'm not just falling head over heels. But I'm pretty sure its because I'm just too emotionally scarred from past heartbreak to feel safe in giving in to your sweetness. So I am keeping you at arm's length and you're probably wondering what the hell you're doing wrong. You're not doing anything wrong, I swear, I'm just screwed up. But I'm trying.

Dear Life Bloggers,

Can you seriously be anymore less creative? LAME! I mean Aids how are you even accepting some of this bizzo? Isn't the purpose of the blog to go out to obnoxiously long drawn out life situations and moments that are so hilarious you just want to grasp them forever? Not all of these dear boyfriend, dear life, dear freshman... blah! dear people! Dear Iam tired of being a Lame ass- Its looking a little lazy and sloppy around here, I am becoming less and less amused.

Thanks for your Cooperation Peeps

should I say who this is?

P.S. Aids you're not included in the no creative section, because you are the brains behind the mastermind of the dear life. Still believe that you have it down pat. Just sayen.
Dear City of Pittsburgh,

Listen. I know that normally Pittsburgh doesn't receive actual winter conditions - we just get rain. But sometimes, yes sometimes, it's going to snow. It's Pennsylvania. Ass. So is it really too much to ask if it were SOMEONE'S job to clean the sidewalks? It's a fucking college town. And may I remind you that PITT doesn't close unless there's an actual apocalypse afoot. Seriously. Sun blotted out type of apocalypse. I realize that I should be prepared for wintry weather, but so should you! Rivers of slush are not acceptable sidewalk conditions. And while of course I have boots, that waterproofing spray only goes so far, and I absolutely refuse to own galoshes. (I already look 12 yrs old, I don't need any help.)

Get yourself a shovel and some salt, bitches.
Dear (formerly) Alcoholic Boss,

When our HR manager emails everyone to say that we have President's Day off, don't Reply All saying that "the day off is a waste of time" and "everyone should report to work as usual". You can't just change the employee handbook on a whim, especially AFTER we're notified we have a day off. You're an asshole. Oh, and when you were off boozing all summer and didn't come into work for 3 months straight, you used all your vacation days for the next 6 years. I hope your AA meetings suck.
Ok... actually, I hope you've stopped drinking, for your own sake. But seriously, you need to work on being a decent human being. Where are you, dream job??

About to start working at McDonald's,
Dear Valentine's Day-

You are one of my favorite holidays. I know some people don't like you, but what's not to love? The color pink, hearts, lingerie, candy, love, roses, presents, chocolate, sex.... I don't see anything bad in that list at all. You rule and I am excited for you!

Dear Sara Blakely,

Sex me up at work why don't you! I was skeptical of your product Spanx as your business story said you cut off the bottom of some nylons and Spanx was born. I'm typically a Target or Old Navy tights gal so 30 dollars for your 'Two-Timin' Tights seemed a little pricey. But when I came to work in a regular work outfit today and 5 colleagues independently said "you look really skinny today," "I would kill for your long legs," "your butt looks good in that skirt," I'm now a Spanx convert!

Thanks again for making my ass look super hot.


P.S. to Office Colleagues: Ladies, you are bordering on sexual harassment and I don't have to take it!
Dear Nonna,

I had a dream about you last night; I was trying to call you and I just couldn't dial the number correctly, the phone kept hanging up on me. When I woke up this morning I realized that today is the one year anniversary of your death. I never got to see you to say goodbye.

Grandma, you were one of the coolest people I've ever met. You not only raised a family of five, you happily took in anyone who needed a little extra love, from adopting my cousins to making sure my Grandpa's work crew always had a decent meal in their bellies. You weathered the depression, survived 92 New England winters and traveled the world. You were fiercely independent to the very end, and a huge flirt with the doctors I hear. I only got to know you very well those last couple of years, when your mind was starting to fail you, and though I regret that I will cherish that time together forever.

I'm sure you don't hold it against me that I wasn't able to see you at the end. I was traveling Europe, and then away at school- last time we talked you said you were "so proud." I miss you Nonna, but I'm sure you are giving them hell in heaven.

Dear my life,

YOU ARE A BITCH. Way to kick me when I am dusting myself off.

never dating again,
My Dearest Working From Home:

I love you. You are the most amazing thing to ever happen to me. It's like we're an old married couple. I don't have to shave, shower, or dress for you. I wore my flannel reindeer jammies all day long and didn't have to manuever the 4-inch thick sheet of ice my poor puppy almost wiped out on when I let him out. I got to watch Scrubs while I waited for something to do, all cozy on my couch w/ my blankie and hot chocolate. Working From Home, let's never part.

If I believed in Valentine's Day, I'd send you a batrillion roses and all the candy hearts in the world,
dear j,

we dated for two weeks and then i dumped you.
hard feelings are okay; i would be pissed too.

but two weeks of "dating" (which is absurd because we didn't even hang out once during) should not be enough to completely negate the 6+ months of being the bestest of best friends.

the kind of friends that hang out all the time. the kind of friends that always have each others back when people start talking shit. the kind of friends that go to a deserted park and watch a meteor shower on a dinosaur-patterned sleeping bag until they're falling asleep and it's three in the morning and neither one of them ever wants to leave. the kind of friends that get caught being totally wasted on Orange Stoli when your mom comes home early and race up the stairs giggling and wondering if you'll ever platonically LIKE someone this much ever again in your life.

but apparently, it is for you.

please grow up and talk to me.

i miss the shit out of you, asshole,
Dear Roommate's brother,

You are a nice guy and all, but I feel compelled to remind you, YOU DO NOT LIVE HERE. So please cease and desist these activities:

- Leaving stacks of plates in the sink- I never see you cook anything so I don't know where they all come from.

- Leaving huge piles of crap strewn about- you are unemployed, its not like you don't have time to clean up after yourself.

- Eating my food without asking

- Using our shower and leaving gratutious amounts of hair in it- If you are wondering how much is gratuitous the answer is any. What were you shaving in there anyways, a cat?


You're lucky you are smoking hot,
Dear Self,

When you are desperatly staving off a cold, going out into the freezing night air with wet hair is kind of a stupid idea.

Dear Co-Worker,

You are SO effing condescending to me it makes me want to puke. I know that I'm cute and perky and my boobs are big and that I was blonde when I was first started working here, and I know that I'm just the receptionist/office bitch...but I really don't need to hear, "Well bless your heart!" every time I SOMEHOW manage to press 'start' on the copier, or bring you your mail, or take down messages while you are out at lunch. I get paid - and decently, I might add - to do those things for you, so I don't need a pat on the head and a doggie biscuit for doing my job. Believe it or not, I did graduate with an actual degree, from a pretty good school. I am smart and capable, and no, bringing people coffee and sorting mail is NOT what I plan on doing for the rest of my life. So please refrain from addressing me like I'm a five year old with a lobotomy. THANKS.

Also, My Face Is Not Located On My Chest - Just Sayin',
Dear campus health clinic,

When I say I haven’t had sex in eight months, there’s really no reason to ask, “Well, have you been using contraception?”

I understand it’s hard for you to grasp that there are diagnoses in the world other than “preggers,” “stoned”, and “hungover," but do you realize you just made me take a pregnancy test to rule out the possibility of Immaculate Conception?

Not the type to brag about a dry spell,
Dear Em,

My nickname for my boyfriend is "Bug".

I wish I was kidding.

Dear Guys Who Use Pet Names,

Pet names are only acceptable after the following date ranges:

1 day – 1 week: nothing but your name or nickname that your friends use
1 week – 3 weeks: hunn, sweetie, darlin'
3 weeks – 1.5 months: baby, princess

1.5 months and on: Almost anything is game. This includes sexual names and joking funny names.

NEVER under any circumstance is the phrase "my love" acceptable. If you are old and rich and I am 29 without a man…I may consider "my love" as we are both running out of time to find acceptable mates.

Also, calling a girl "bug" is NOT a turn on. "Aww bug." "My love bug." "Bug, whatcha doing?" A bug is neither cute nor feminine. I mean, seriously, where do guys come up with this shit?

I'm buggin',
Dear Mailwoman,

Why do you insist on being the scariest person in my life? When I walk home from class and I see your Doom Mobile in my lot, I circle around the block until you have gone away. The day I walked in on you throwing packages was probably enough to get you fired, but I am so afraid of you that I dread to find out what would happen if I filed a complaint. On top of that, remember the day you chided me for rarely checking my mail? You knocked on my door, and when I answered you yelled at me and said: "Since you are obviously not doing anything, maybe you should go get a new mail key from your landlord now?" Sorry, bitch, but I'm a busy boy. You can suck it.

I hope she doesn't read this blog,
Dear my bf's life,

I'm gonna kick your ass! whats up with the traffic citations and car accidents, dude? You fuggin suck! I swear, if I see your punkass on the streets, its CURTAINS! Thats on my hood *throws up random gang signs*

This is some bullsh*t!

*sigh* Always the supportive girlfriend...again,
Dear Person,

It's really cold outside and there is a dilemma of keeping your face warm as you commute in the city. But no matter what those full face hat/masks are really creepy, aren't they? Every time I see someone wearing one on the street I want to scream and run the other way. The ski masks remind me of people committing crimes. And in fact, by wearing one you are committing a crime... against fashion. I don't know your gender or who you are.. but try a scarf?

Dear Dedication to Partying

Actual conversation earlier today:

CF: you drank all day, passed out at 5 and then got back up to go out?
Shameless: umm
Shameless: yes

Don't underestimate me,
Dear '06 tax refund check,

You are the sexiest mofo I have ever seen. I just love the way you say all those little "0's" before the decimal. Those make me happy.

Tell your sister, '07 tax refund check, that I'll be gettin at her soon. *wink*,
Big Pimpin TR
Dear Jon & Kate Plus Eight On TLC,

Please stop. You are making my uterus twinge. I have held strong to the feeling that I don't ever want children - but yet the thought of 8 all at once completely entices me. Seriously - how did you pop out 6 of the most adorable kids in the world?

I am going to steal Aiden from you. A toddler in glasses is the cutest thing ever. Props to you Kate for being the rocking-est mom ever and to Jon for being adorably mellow.

rethinking my single and childless status and dvr-ing the hell out of your show,
Dear Men,

It is NOT OKAY to continuously hit on a girl if you've already got a girlfriend. It is extra not okay to attempt to make me the other woman. It is by far the least okay to tell me you can't continue such an affair but then continue to make suggestive comments and worse, be drunk enough that you grab my hand a couple times for old times' sake---when your gf is probably no more than ten feet away.

After the events of this weekend, I'm really starting to have trouble trusting any of you.

Pretty sad,
Dear self,

When you decide to get low low low low low low low while wearing your boots with the fur, you are asking for male trouble.

You can't help but draw in a previous one nighter (who you like to think of as your male counterpart) while you're shakin' it at your favorite bar in town. However, your booty shakin' becomes problematic when said one nighter comes over to your apartment where many mutual friends of current "fling" are crashing. When everyone wakes up and sees you snuggling with one nighter (who you can now dub two nighter), and he is only wearing his boxers, no questions need to be asked. All your friends are expected to relay back to "fling" the apparent romping that ensued.

And the only justification I have for this is that two nighter really makes me laugh like "fling" didn't.

I guess the fling is over,

PS - does this mean I'm cut off for our VDay dinner, Mr. Fling?
Dear ex-friend/women in general,

I know that you now have a boyfriend. He and I don't get along, it's true. Perhaps because he is a coldhearted, manipulative, alcoholic douchelord with a Napoleon complex. I know I created resentment in this past when I told you what I really thought (which, by the way, was only to protect you). In order to avoid doing that again, I began to keep my mouth shut and ignore your undying, unhealthy obsession with him. But now that you two have moved in together, you have forgotten about your girl friends all together. I do not appreciate this, as I invested a lot of time in you.. i.e. the hours of taking care of you when you were three (twelve) sheets to the wind, the hours of consoling you on the phone about Napoleon, etc. You owe me for those hours.

The only man I will choose over my friends is Jose Cuervo,
Dear Mr Hottie at Verizon,

Yes!! I can hear you NOW! Hot dang you have more than a gift with the wireless. Thinken that your hot bod against mine is perfect, we work well... Yes this is what I am saying I found my Mr. luscious at Verizon...better than a bar I suppose.

Looking Forward to the Next Date,
Dear life,

This whole no drinking thing has been interesting. As I watched my coworkers and agencies get bombed and sing karaoke last night, I really wanted to spike my Ginger ale. 42 days of sobriety... It seems like forever but its nothing. I thought everything would become easier, if anything it's harder.

Dear Shirley Phelps-Roper,

Dear CS,

"Homegirl needs wheels" was one of the funniest, most adorable three word sentences I've ever read. Well put.

Dear Freshman,
Let's review the events of last night:
1) You rolled up to my friend's boyfriend's house talking about how you just hooked up with two hot girls at your frat's pledge party. You later revealed that 'hooked up' meant 'kissed briefly' and 'hot girls' meant 'blacked-out sorority rushees'.
2) Your last name is funny. You probably already know this. I'm sorry I felt the need to keep reminding you by making hilarious puns with it.
3) When you started talking about how your dad was buying you a Porsche, I was totally serious when I said you could give your Saab to me. Homegirl needs wheels.
4) You know why I kept un-popping your collar? Because it's not 1985 and we're not in a John Hughes movie.
5) I feel the need to apologize for being a drunk bitch. This is in large part to the fact that when you told me you still had your v-card, I shrieked "Oh Jesus, you're still a virgin?" so the whole party could hear. Seriously, my bad.

Hoping we can still be homies,

PS: Shortly after calling you out on your sexless-ness, I wiped out on a curb and ripped my favorite black skinny jeans. Karma's a bitch, no?
dear life,

Happy Birthday to me. Happy Birthday to me. Happy Birthday dear d2. Happy Birthday to me! Wow, it would be so much better in harmony but I guess she was just too busy to wish her friend a happy milestone birthday. Dear Life, you suck. Not the blog, of course!

Dear London/Life,

Medical issues are gone and I'm back with a vengeance. Almost a month of no drinking/boning/fun was pretty cruel and I intend to make up for lost time. Starting with tonight's late night booty call and tomorrow's drinking at 10am (hooray for Oceania and their ridiculous drunken holidays. You better watch yourselves- Its about to get messy.

Ready to make some questionable decisions,

Elvis Presley's Granddaughter

I bummed a cig from this bitch one time. True story.

Stephanie Tanner= Disgusting

Dear Co-workers,

I am seriously starting to regret telling you about this blog.

Dealing with the consequences,
Dear 10 year old,

Stop lying to get out of school. Just because I do it doesn't mean you can. You get out of what, coloring and recess? I get out of way worse shit. Not only did I have to miss class to pick up a fibber, but you made me look like a neglectful nanny who would make a kid go to school sick so she can go to her own classes. If I'm going to neglect you, it's so i can get my drink on, not go to CLASS. Now I'm going to lay down the fucking law, hope you enjoy your weekend of no tv, no playdates, no phone, no computer, and pretty much being imprisoned with your science fair project. Don't worry, I still love your pathological lying ass.

Your loving nanny
Dear girl who sits next to me at work,

I don't know why you are so paranoid all the time that we are always talking about you. I mean, we do enjoy making fun of your southern twangs and your innocence (i mean c'mon, you call it cussing and you blush when you read a page from a dirty book), but we mostly are making fun of other people the whole day.... it's not like we read blogs 24/7, so there's lots of free time to consider your shortcomings. In closing, please find a more suitable use of your time, like doing starbucks runs for your cubemate and thinking of ways to make the workday pass quickly for the rest of us...peanut m&ms are appreciated.

E and J
Dear Life,

Hi. I got that big promotion that I asked you for. I got the job I wanted. I got most of the money I wanted. I got the responsibilities I wanted.Fuck you.

But here's the deal, LIFE: you gave me a job where only a finite number of women hold positions of authority in the USA. In NYC, that translates to abour less than 2%. But I usually like that. It's worked in my favor until now - until I took a position of noticibilaty, as a woman doing work - good work.

Until a man, that is your junior, followed in your literal footsteps to be exact, asks for your career advice over drinks, then drunkenly tells you, you're only where you are because you are hot. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. And when other top suppliers and employees around you agreed or abstained , you broke me.

Did I mention FUCK YOU!?!?! I brought my last property up by almost a million dollars last year, and I GUARANTEE I will do the same in my very new HIGH recognition, position. FUCK YOU. I have Gigantic Blue Eyes. Really Long Blonde Hair, DDD boobs and a Southern Drawal that can both melt and freeze ice, but I am the smartest mother fucker you will EVER negotiate with.

Get over the fact that your predecessor is better than you, So, little man, next time you insult me by saying I am hot and that is why I am where I am, and then asking me to suck your dick - - - please forgive when I rip it the fuck off and remind you where you are.

I have commission to collect, but tonight I can't help crying at how far behind I am as a woman....
Dear LOST,

I fuckin love you. I forgot until 5 seconds ago when I watched your season premiere which I missed last week.

I want to climb on you. Oh wait, you're a tv show.
Dear Verizon Guy,

Um, I saw your GIANT black boner.

Sorry for staring, but God, you could have TRIED to hide that beast.

Dear Republicans:

WTF?!?!? I CANNOT look at John McCain's neck waddle for the next 4-8 years, so please condition his nomination of massive amounts of plastic surgery.

Richard Fish would have a field day but I can't stand it,

***extra points to anyone who knows who Richard Fish is and why he would have a field day--without having to look it up
Dear new apartment,

I know we have only been together for about a month now, but I think I love you. I mean, what's NOT to love? You've got wide, spacious rooms, a working stove, clean dishes, my own bathroom, and food that my roommate doesn't notice is gone after I eat it. Plus, when me and my boyfriend have after-dinner sex, no one can immediately hear us because you have fantastically thick walls. You are just great.

I mean, I can overlook the fact that my bathroom doesn't include a shower head, and that I have to take baths like a 4-year-old every night. Or the small issue of the lack of heat my bedroom retains. Or the fact that if I am not home by 10pm, there is no WAY i'm getting parking within 1 block of my house. I can overlook all these things and love you just the way you are.

I mean, baths are ok, I just have to keep remembering that it is not an opportunity to take a "cat nap". (People have died that way, ya know.) And who needs heat when you have 9 blankets on your bed? Plus, walking is good for you, so parking 15 minutes away isn't THAT bad. The neighborhood is safe enough (the 5am dog walkers and baby stroller pushers have shown me that). I mean, there are only 11 registered offenders in my area, and from the looks of the pictures I saw on the city website, I can take 'em.

You are seriously a vast improvement on my last place, which included a 49-year-old roommate who was about 20 years off on her age and always inquired about borrowing my clothes, her two controlling boyfriends, one of which was her ex-husband and the other, a Mexican immigrant with no papers and a temper, who who broke into the house a month after I moved in and waited in the dark for her to get home (Thank God I was out of town. Effin Machismo!). Thats how murder mysteries start...

So here's to you, Mr. safe-wide-open-cable-ready-internet-enabled-sex-with-my-boyfriend-cheap-rent apartment. You make all my (wet) dreams come true.

I'll see you tonight *wink*,
Dear me in the '08,

I am so proud of you. Not only have you completed your first semester of law school and have not tried to commit suicide but your goal of having "standards" is actually being upheld!

For example:

1. When a guy is 2 hours late for your date because of work [which was totally fine b/c of the unpredictability of his job and that you have ditched him a bajillion times to do your work] you said no to meeting up for drinks and told him that you wanted to hang out with him sober to see if sober you liked him as much as drunk you.

2. When same boy then proceeded to schedule a coffee date which led to "tv watching"... you stopped at first!! FIRST BASE!!! Even though the apartment was empty and the making out was AWESOME, you left him wanting more. Just made out in the couch high school...err middle school... style.

3. And finally you are balancing three possible guys that you might like but are trying to get to know them first before actually sleeping with them! Hurrah!

If feels so good to reclaim your virginity,

PS Plus your alcohol consumption is down between Sunday - Wednesday! Keep it up until A gets here!
Dear CF & Massie (minus Abroad Shameless),

It's official. I'm coming to DC....with 2 weeks. You'd better let me meet you and get drunk with me.

Dear kid sister,

I'm convinced that you're hopeless.

You call me crying last Friday to tell me that the guy that you had been dating for a week is now threatening to kill you because his girlfriend found out about you. (I told you he was REALLY retarded--think down-syndrome retarded--but you didn't believe me.) So me and the parents fork over $150 to fly you home to safety. Then, AS SOON as you get home, you are trying to convince us to send you back on the premise that you "don't feel like starting over", "don't like change", "will miss your friends", and that you feel like you're "running away". Well, duh.

I honestly just can't believe you have become so clueless and stupid. This dude threatened to kill you and you are talking about "missing your friends"? Are you kidding me?! You dumb ass biatch! You are gonna miss your friends alright, especially if that fat ass retard catches your ass slippin and throws you in the truck of his car. Then what? Where would you friends be then? Where were they when he was pushing you around, eh? Or when he was calling you names and threatening to kill you?

I'm really tired of caring about you when you don't seem to care about yourself. And the latter is probably the saddest part of all.

Way to show your school spirit,
Disappointed TR
Dear Novelty of New Ass,

Please never ware off.



(PS. A, I saw the pictures, your boyfriend's a hottie! Nice Work)
dear america,

you scare me. stop voting for huckabee! unless you want a president who will toss the constitution and replace it with a bible...

it was (kinda) funny at first,

How I Know He's A Keeper

me: "What would you do if I had a FUPA?"
him: "I'd slap the shit out of it."

*** in case you need a def: FUPA
Dear Life:

You haven't given me anything funny to write about since Neighbor and the monster ween...oh...ABOUT A BILLION AND A HALF YEARS AGO. Basically, you are on notice that you suck big time.

I hate DC and its trillion-to-one ratio in men's favor,
Dear Dear Life Blog:

I had almost given up on you. For a long time you've been packed nothing but two things:

1) loads happy-snappy "The Universe LOOOOVES me" crap
2) occasional wistful hopings for over-six-footers with ice-blue peepers from multiple corners

...these sentiments activate my gag reflex, DLB. I was worried about us.

But today all the snide irony, bitterness and injustice are back and concentrated. Oh, how I've missed you!

Big Big hearts!

p.s. anyone in your family adopting? I want in!
dear last night's hook up,

oh. my. god. i think you might possibly be the answer to the other days "dear new boy, where are you?" post. you're 5'11"-ish, maybe 6'.. you have brown hair... you're hilarious... and sexy.. and you are packing! ding ding ding, we have a winner.

so, continuing to hang out and such would be awesome. cause i like, wanna get to know you more.

totally okay with the fact that you don't have blue eyes,

attached picture = my new favorite thing.

And They Say Penis Envy Is A Myth
Dear children's cereal,

I don't care that you're for kids or that I'm supposed to be eating "healthy" cereal. You taste awesome and are the perfect snack. Every time I'm in the cereal aisle at the store I look at the grown up cereals, but I am always distracted by your colors and cartoons promising to bring my childhood memories back. I'm just saying I love you and I always will... even if my boyfriend/friends judge me for it!

A kid on a sugar rush for life,

PS- Everyone likes you they just pretend not to anymore while they choke down their Fiber One
Dear Bitches At The Health Center,

Look, I KNOW I've made a few bad decisions...but god, you're mean! So, I had a few questions about the HPV vaccine. I thought you were fucking healthcare professionals and it was your JOB to answer my inquiries?! No need to be rude because it's almost 4 o'clock and you're all craving cigs and some Taco Bell. Jesus. This is important shit!

Also, Bitcho Nursey, thanks for lightening up by slightly showing a soul after tears welled up in my eyes when you forced me to take a pregnancy test for a drunken slip-up (literally).


P.S. Dear Boyfriend's Penis, My bladder says thanks for the infection.
Dear Yoga Instructor Chick,

That can not be your real voice. You sound like 'Lil' from Rugrats.

And you have a cameltoe.

Namaste Yourself,
Dear cute, normal, and AVAILABLE guys in our Nation's Capitol,

Where are you? And where do I go to meet you?

Single in DC
Dear Life,

You are a tricksy little fucker, aren't you? On Saturday, when you decided to replay the exact fight I used to have every day with Guy Who Broke My Heart, only instead of Guy Who Broke My Heart it was New Guy I Am Kinda Seeing And Am Terrified Of Showing My Crazy To, did you think that was funny?! I hope you had a good laugh, because me, Hormones, and Beer Tears sure thought it was a HOOT.

Please, feel free to bring up the fact that I'm terrified of committment, withhold my feelings from people for fear of getting hurt, and just generally damaged whenever the fuck you feel like it. In the middle of a group of friends at a crowded bar on a Saturday night? WHY NOT. That's a perfect opportunity to bring up all my emotional shortcomings!

I thought it was especially great how you managed to not only embarass me in public by making me cry, but also simultaneously expose me for the looney that I am to New Guy AND bring back a flood of memories of Guy Who Broke My Heart and the multitude of things I did wrong in that relationship before he walked out on me and I never heard from him again. It was really poignant, the A-ha Moment I had when I realized that even though I have supposedly moved on with my life, nothing has really changed in the past three years. At all.

Thanks A Mil,
Dear family,

As always, you make me appreciate my life more and more with every family event. I am glad that I was able to spend some time with you all yesterday at the SB party at BB Kings. It was cousin Y's HUGE event, and I'm glad you guys all played your roles.

Best "crazy cousin" award goes to...

As always, Cousin D, for punching his girl in the mouth because she was "talking" to the male waiter

Best lap dance goes to...

My 63-year-old Aunt M (still trying to figure out how she does those splits...)

Best family entertainer goes to...

Big R for his 20-minute piece on giving head to a crowd filled with all ages, including (2) babies, (5) 10-12-year-olds, and (1) 90-year-old woman in the front row (who somehow didn't look at all surprised or bothered by what he was saying)

Best rally speech for Obama goes to...

Cousin Y, who went on a drunken endorsement campaign for 30-minutes, until her father came on-stage and apologized for her, but still contended that Obama was the best choice for us "(insert slang word for black people here)". All bad.

Best parent award goes to...

Uncle F for bring his 10-month-old son to a bar, filled with our drunk family members, who, I might add, smoked weed for the entire second half of the football game. I'm sure the child ended up with some form of contact high. Good times...

Best peach cobbler recipe goes to...

Cousin K, who wins by a landslide because she uses a secret ingredient that her doctor prescribes to her for muscle pains. I'm not exactly sure what it is, but I've heard her claim that "God put this on tha earth for us to use" and that "it's all natural" and "should be legalized ASAP". Hmm...wonder what it could be...

Best incest award goes to...

Cousin A, who led me in a discussion about how we were not REALLY related because he was on my "aunt's side" and that, since he lived in Texas now, we weren't even really close cousins, so anything we did would be ok...(I avoided him for the rest of the evening.)

And finally, the award you all have been waiting for...

Best dressed female

(drumroll please...)

UNCLE T, who wore purple leather "skinny" pants, a thick rhinestone belt, a see-through v-neck sweater with a tan suede vest, Chanel scarf, 3 studded rings, 58 silver bangles, a long rhinestone chain with a "T" at the end, and shiny red plastic heels. But lest we not forget, the 2-feet of indian weave that he paid $180 for, which, I might add, was soooo straight and shiny, that for a second I thought he was a very tan asian woman. (and there I stood, amazed and slightly envious)

Thank you family...for always staying true to yourselves, your alcohol, your kids, your weed, and your weave. I will always love you because I have no choice, and because the county said I'm too old to put myself up for adoption.

See you all this summer for Gran Gran's great great great grandchildren's party!

I can't make this stuff up,
Dear STUPID DRUNK WHORE who pulled the fire alarm when I was ALMOST asleep,

I fucking heard you seeing as my bedroom is right next to the side door stairwell. If I find you....I am blowing a whistle in your ear until you go deaf. Do you know how fucking hard it is to put clothes on in 30 seconds? I HATE YOU. On the other did cause us to have a fabulous 1 am power hour....well power 2 hours....but on the third hand....its also going to be your fault when I miss my 9 am. Somehow I don't think an alarm pulling induced 1 am power hour counts as a valid excuse. Can you please save that shit for friday nights? Some people have classes on friday, unlike you tramps who work your schedule around 50 cent beer night.

Writing this after I missed my 9 am class because I was not about to walk to that shizz in the rain,
Dear Boots I Ordered Online,

APPARENTLY being drunk when ordering you makes it difficult to tell by the picture on the website that you have 7 inch heels and could be used as a torture device/dangerous weapon. Ouchies.

Beauty Is Pain Or Whatever...,
Dear One of My Best Guy Friends,

I love you! But two things 1) Don't you ever get naked in front of me again and make a move, I don't care how drunk you are. That's unacceptable, especially since you have but your dong in a friend of mine. 2) Yes I hate the word moist. Dont say it. And No I am not Amish.

Would that make it Three?

Dear life,

Why is it that I am underwhelmed by perfectly good guys? I have a guy who is totally interested in me -- shows everyone in public that we are together, compliments me to no end, enjoys kissing me and even likes to argue politics. Did I mention he is way hot and thinks I'm adorable? But, why is it that I can't stop focusing on the one thing that he is not...he isn't funny. I consider myself a funny person, but don't want to be the only funny one in a relationship. My idea of a good date is nonstop laughing and I think I only giggled a few times last night.

Is there something wrong with me? Should I lower my standards? Is being funny important to only me?

Attempting to make myself laugh,

PS - when you kiss my ear and I giggle, that doesn't count as me laughing...i'm just tickelish
dear *new* boy,

come the fuck on. where are you? i'm so sick of "missing" exes who i know aren't worth my time. sooooo, whenever you're ready to show yourself i'm down.

by the way, if you're over 6' with some blue eyes and dark hair, you get extra points. but i'm not specific. just be cool as fuck with a "holy shit, i'm gonna piss myself you're so funny" sense of humor. thanks.

Dear guys who feel the need to make the engines of their fake sports cars really loud and then gun them in the parking lot of my complex,

Wow. You are, like, so cool.


P.S. If you put a spoiler on an Accord, it doesn't make it go faster. (Does it?)
dear roxie,

you were the best dog ever.
you ate everything that we dropped on the floor, ran to the front door with your tail wagging every day when i got home from school, slept at the foot of my bed, and made everyone that ever came to our house smile. plus, you were pretty much the cutest thing i ever saw, and you had the same color red hair as i did, and your nose was pink instead of black.

so i hope it didn't hurt when they put you to sleep yesterday,
and i hope you weren't scared,
and i hope you aren't as sad as we are.
the house feels empty without you.

i know you're in heaven chillin' with my great grandma and tupac and heath ledger, so you'll have a good time.
i just miss you so much already.

can't wait to see you in 80+ years (and hoping that my eyes will return to their normal size and color before then),
Dear Me and Plans for this Weekend,

You're tired, you've had a busy week where you've discovered that getting wasted on week nights and throwing up in the toilets before class is uncool and not a good idea, you're avoiding shady boy that you may or may not have shagged this week and you've now got a spot. So, I was thinking...stay in all weekend masturbating?
Good plan.

Love Jodie (unplugging the phone)
Dear Boy In New York,

I thought we were going to get married, have babies and i'd be your perfect housewife.

Shiz, i was wrong.

Probably never meeting anyone ever and dying alone,
Dear Hickey On My Neck,

Sixth grade called, it wants you back.

Also, way to show up on the day when I had to sit on a panel and have 200 prospective students ask me about grad school. Cool.

You Suck, But The Good Kind Of Sucking.

P.S. Dear Multiple O's from rendevous leading to said hickey, ooo0000OOOOOOOOOO!!! Thank You God. And thank you for turning my brain to mush.
Dear celebs,

I feel so bad for you. Your life must be really hard. It's only natural that you turn to drugs to make you feel better. Constant money, attention, fame, and "work" must all get to you. So sad. I on the other had have the perfect life- not much money, not as skinny/attractive as you, people generally don't care about me... so I don't do drugs. How does this make sense exactly? Also- if I do drugs/go to rehab will I be as cool as you?

PS- Yes I'm talking to you Eva Mendes
Dear Common Sense,

Listen. I know we've never had this talk before, because I've always been one of those girls who knew better. Nevertheless, you sir, are NOT allowed to go on vacation. EVER. I'm sorry. Your job description said nothing about nights and weekends. So last night/this morning: that was a completely unacceptable incident. Remember: I'm one of those girls who KNOWS better. But alas, last night, you allowed me to, in a drunken stupor, allow the common sense of the BF to take over and not wait for the bus that went back to my house, but rather take the one that went back to his. Sure, I got my paper done (while sobering up), but then this morning, I had to leave his place at 8:30am in an rain/ice storm in the 3.5" heeled boots I so desperately needed to wear. You know full well I have those shoes saved up for when I have a car instead of having to rely on a bus! I had to walk to the bus without an umbrella in terrible shoes and with my paper folded up inside my cute, sexy purse because I didn't have a bag. I couldn't even call anyone for a ride because I had left my phone at home as well! And common sense, YOU would've known this was going to happen and stopped at least most of it from happening had you BEEN THERE! Jerk.

You're grounded,
Dear Life,

I hope today is as fantastic as I am imagining. After a week of ongoing chatter with my hot 6 ft 4 guy, he asked me to dinner and tonight is the night! I believe his exact words were "would you care to have dinner together?" OMG he's too adorable for words!

Hoping to post something even better tomorrow,