Dear being honest,

You feel good. I went on a date last night. I wasn't into the guy. He texted me after to tell me how much fun he had and he wanted to hang out soon. I called back, told him I thought he would appreciate me being honest rather than making up some excuse and playing games. I simply told him I wasn't interested and I didn't feel any chemistry.

It was simple, to the point and clean. Nobody got off the phone confused or expecting more than was going to happen. I blatantly told him what page I was on, or not on for that matter.

Although I'm sure he didn't like hearing it at least he doesn't have to wonder. I don't have to ignore texts or make up excuses. Score.

I like your policy, honesty. I think I'll keep you around. Oh, and I wouldn't mind if you gave a visit to everyone else in my life.

Keep it real, my friend,
M in SF
Dear Most Recent Male to Bruise My Ego,

When you suggest watching a movie, and I later text you to see if that's still on, ignoring me is pretty rude. I liked you better when you were interested in me, and not just for the obvious reasons. Seriously, considering that nothing has actually changed in our friendship since the end of March, I don't know why suddenly you're acting like a jerk.

Don't worry, I'll take the hint and stop trying to hang out with you if that's what you're trying to get across, but just find the balls to tell me that.

Dear my bf's daughter,

You are my little toddler copilot and I wish your mother wasn't such a
dirty whore. But anyhow, here is my ode to you, Mamas...

Famous Little Mama quotes:
"I'm not sleepy, I'm (her name)!"
"Where did her get that hair?!"
"You're a paper face!"
"No daddy, you can't get on the slide, your head is too big"
"When you done reading that book, read it again, cuz you are not done"
"My mommies name is Vagina"
"Daddy, can i have 2 dollars for pink shoes?"

And no matter what anyone says, you TOTALLY take after me.

Love you Punkin,
Dear Boss,

What is up your ass? I work for 3 weeks for free due to logistical reasons and was cool with it. The other day you tell me I can take some paid days off. I almost thought you were being nice. I wake up this morning and don't want to go in, so I email, give an excuse and say that I would like today to be one of my days. You email back saying I would have to tell you in advance and there is work to be done. No shit there is work to be done, I did it over the last 3 weeks without getting paid a cent.

Going back to bed,
M in SF
Dear adorable boy I spent the entire weekend with,

These things made me think that you were into me:
-Motioning 'I heart you' across the room at me
-Offering me your hankie when I was crying
-Jumping into bed with me when you saw I was sleeping there alone
-Telling me "its like we're married" as we were making coffee together and after a day filled with one on one events
-Waiting on me hand and foot all weekend
-Watching my every move and being jealous when other boys were showing me interest

So, why didn't you try and kiss me? Is there a girl in the picture that you didn't bring up? Are you simply a Beta male?

Sigh - at least there are adorable facebook pictures of us together that I can look at

Elated and sad at the same time,

DRAMA! ....Ouch.

Dear Ex Girlfriend part II

Oh, it was so nice to post my previous message. Mainly because it provided some sort of therapeutic release, but also because I know you read it. Yes, this too shall be read and it feels nice to get this out there since you don't have the courtesy or maturity to discuss anything. However, I should have seen that coming. As I look back on the past couple of years I now realize that your level of maturity was far below your chronological age. It appeared that your hierarchy of needs includes drama. I never realized it was a necessity until I met you. There are so many things that I could put in this post, however, that would be too easy. Just a little advice as you continue down your path of whatever it is you do: Be mature enough to discuss things with people. Don't let friends, therapists, etc. dictate your life. Live your own life. I actually say that with sincerity. As I reflect back on the life you've had and the experiences/relationships you've had, I can't help but feel a little sorry for you and the shallow relationships in which you surround yourself. I'm not sure if you've moved on to your next great adventure, but be careful and it's alright to hold back on the first date. If you do, he might actually respect you.

Dear Peruvian Security Guard at my new workplace,

The 40 pirated DVDs in a black plastic bag and the invitation to go salsa dancing and meet your family were thoughtful and flattering. But 40 year old, short, Peruvian men with greasy hair just aren't my type.

So if you could tone down your game but continue to carry heavy objects for me and bring me breakfast and lunch everyday (*), it would be much appreciated.

Yours truly,
M in SF

*I'd like Mexican on Tuesday for lunch, por favor :)
Dear Nice Guy,

I thought you were the one. And by "the one" I mean the one to help me get back on my feet. You were the classic guy I date after I get my heart broken by a complete and total asshole. You are supposed to treat me really well. I'm supposed to realize that all guys aren't assholes but you just aren't the one. Then I am supposed to go out and find another asshole. Don't you know the drill?
But last night, Mr. Trinidad, was entirely uncalled for. Your Jamaican-like accent and dreads are completely enticing and sexy, but not when they are stalking me. Showing up where I said I MIGHT be for a "girls night" and then getting disappointed when I don't want to leave with you and your friends, not cool. Then proceeding to call and say you want to come sleep at my place and getting an attitude when I tell you that I don't want you driving drunk, not cool. I'm down with you being the nice guy, but please leave clinginess and drama to me. I am still the girl here.

Grow a pair or you're outta here,
M in SF
dear crush,

alright, i'm gonna be honest (to an anonymous blog in which you'll never read)... we talk everyday, flirt shamelessly, and all of our friends make fun of us about talking everyday and flirting shamelessly. so, can we get the ball rolling? seriously, there's chemistry. and you're like my "dream dude". which is cute and lame at the same time!

first crush since the ex, toooo!

Dear Tonight,

I have a feeling you are going to end badly. Either the "new" crush will bail on me for Happy Hour (in which case no one I know was up for it, laaaaame), or he won't bail but will take the opportunity to tell me that either A) he wants to stay with the gf; B) he doesn't want to break up with the gf (the distinction being that one is passive [or just laziness] and one is active); C) the gf would be irrelevant if I were hotter/thinner/less neurotic and so it's really just me that turned him off; or D) some other ego-blow.

And yet, I desperately want the afternoon to disappear so that you are here already. Why am I so masochistic? I probably won't have the willpower to go more than one drink before I say, "Okay, [insert name of "New" Crush], what's the deal? Because before your vacation, you said a bunch of stuff that seemed like you were interested in me and would be doing something about it, and now you are acting like I've got the plague and you don't want to be around me. Am I that ugly/fat/crazy?" At which point he'll mumble something about how he hasn't given his gf a fair chance lately and that will really just mean that He's Not That Into Me. And I will get distressingly drunk and pass out in tears.

Bring it on??

Pt 2

And pertaining to tonight:

Dear Nerves,

Please chill out. You're making my stomach churn and my arms and hands tingle. The last thing I need when getting rejected is to have a "fight or flight" response due to anticipatory adrenaline coursing through my system. This extreme heart-pounding can cease, too. Seriously, I can scarcely tolerate you-- I don't know how people do uppers.

I do wish I had a valium, though,
Dear British and Spanish co-workers,

I want to lick both your faces.
Even though I can´t understand either of you when you speak too fast, it´s okay, talking is overrated.

Dear Natural Selection,

Wow. Where were you on this one?,0,6233110.story

Dear Being Downsized,

I felt pretty badass being escorted around and out of the building this afternoon after my job was eliminated due to the company being in the crapper. I was going to be mad about coming in for a meeting with my boss ("Hey, could you do me a favor and come in for a meeting with me on Wednesday?") on my day off, but I guess the perpetual vacay makes up for it. And getting a mini-severance (2 weeks pay) while being part-time (28hrs/week) is nothing to sneeze at. Or at least worthy of a tissue. And you made the point it had nothing to do with my performance...four times I counted, so maybe you felt bad. Or it's business. Whatever. And I guess it makes sense it was at noon because nobody I work with regularly was there, and if they were, they were at lunch. But it did kind of suck being blindsided by not meeting with my boss at all- but her boss, the GM of the station, and some lady from corporate. After last month's meeting about the state of the company, the hostile
takeover, and the 'rumor' of killing weekend morning news to save money (a rumor no one heard), I sort of homed in on what was going down. And unfortunately Yung Joc was not involved. Great timing, after being blown off by Elon last week.

On the brightside, I don't have to wake up at 3am anymore, or work weekends. And now have a reason to get blasted.

Dear somebody else, hire me.

Dan in NC
Dear Decision to Eat My Way Through Switzerland and the South of France,

You seemed so right at the time, but now, firmly back on American soil where there aren't profiterole and gelaterias and vats of wine on every street corner, the image of my fat ass/thighs/muffin top pouring out of my once great jeans has convinced me that you done me wrong. In nine days I must've gained at least as many pounds, and I'm horribly embarrassed. I'd crawl into a cave to hide, but your consequences won't leave me if I just lie around prone. Too bad I lack all motivation to work out. Maybe once the "new" crush solidly rejects me (will it be tonight? Friday night? Stay tuned!) I will have nothing left but the pounding of my shoes on the pavement to turn to. In the meantime, I can only make the vow to never come to you again!

Hoping I don't drunk dial you for an American hookup,
Dear thighs, stomach, arms, and ass,

Summer is upon us and all you guys wanna do is hang around and weigh me down. I can't even get into my old bathing suit anymore without you guys all over me. It used to just be a little bit here and there, but now every time I turn around or look over my shoulders, there you are. I mean, all these extras you guys are putting on me are totally bumming me out.

You guys are always waving around, jiggling and hanging all out of windows and my pants, making a scene. No one wants to see that in public places when they are eating. But as always, there you guys go, showing out and embarrassing me. I can't take you guys anywhere without someone making a comment!

Look, you guys are just smothering me and I can't take it anymore. Tomorrow, we are all making our way to the gym to work this all out. I think it is for the best. I don't want to lose you, wait, YES i do want to lose you because you guys are disgusting.

You're just too loose for me and it's starting to ruin my reputation. In this world we live in, it's all about being firm. And you guys just aren't cutting it.

So stop your blubbering and get lost already!
Dear "New" Crush,

I must've sent you half a dozen emails in the last couple weeks indicating that I wanted to talk about things like "feelings" once we were both back from our respective vacations. I referenced the "elephant in the room," mentioned that my "girl-ego" was on the line, and all but said point-blank that I still have a massive crush on you and want to know what the hell your plans are with regard to staying or breaking up with your gf. But you've continued to totally avoid the subject, and I'm not sure what to do now, short of showing up at your house and forcing you to talk to me (I'll have a 6-pack, because I can't do emotionally vulnerable things without my inhibitions lowered).

If it helps, I know you're not going to break up with her, and the fact that you won me over so fast made you lose all interest in me. I fully expect to get rejected and end up feeling crushed, jealous, and inferior. What I really just want is an explanation of why you are staying with her even though you said you don't have much to talk about with her, you could never imagine marrying her, and she lives two thousand miles away. I want to know why that is so much better than what I have to offer. I can't keep feeling like I'm being strung along, because it keeps the smallest bit of hope alive in me, even though I know better. I need to feel the depressing familiarity of singleness and black future of being an old maid to help me get over you. So throw me a bone, and reject me straightforwardly, rather than continuing to totally ignore the subject. Man up.

Wishing I didn't like you,
Dear Dan from Dallas:

Holy shit do you have the world's biggest dick or what?!?!??! Man. I actually considered calling room service for a starter penis, being slightly unsure I could fit yours in cold. My favorite part of the whole romp was when I told you no legs on shoulders b/c you were too big.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure you might have damaged one of my lungs,
Dear Facebook Threads,

I wish I knew in advance that when I replied to one of my best friends, I ALSO replied to 8 other people (boy and girls). If I did know this, I wouldn't have gone into graphic detail about my sex life and when I started my period.

For the people I DO know on that list, I never want to show my face around you ever again. For the people I DON'T know, I'm glad my facebook picture was conveniently displayed on the side of my reply so you could imagine exactly who says such lewd things.

I want to kill myself.


Oh Snap!

Dear boyfriend's immature, irresponsible friend,

You invited yourself to stay at our place last night when you were completely wasted. I will not even start to comment on the fact that you are too old to act like you did and drink to that much and you should really know your limits by now. I didn't really mind if you crashed on our couch but when I woke up to pee at 7am I was greeted to you passed out on the floor with two large piles of vommit on our white carpet. Needless to say I was not amused. I went back to bed and figured you could clean it in the morning. Unfortunatly, when I woke up you had already tried to clean it-- with clorox bleach spray from the kitchen that specifically says "NOT TO BE USED ON CARPET OR FABRIC." Now instead of there being two piles of vommit on the white carpet there are two large pink stains that will be there forever. I hope you plan on paying for our apartment to replace the carpet when we move out in 2 months. If this isn't bad enough, you never mentioned that you threw up or bleached the carpet. You just acted like nothing happened. That is so incredibly disrespectful. I figured my boyfriend would tell you off (WRONG) but when I found out he didn't it only made me more mad. Therefore I am also writing a shortened version of this rant on your facebook wall so hopefully others can see how much of a fucking asshole you are. Obviously you are never welcome to stay with us again.

Dear Alcohol

I hate you! I hate you so much! Because of you, I was, once again, the drunk crying girl in the middle of the club. Because of you, I phoned an ex-fling, who I don't even speak to anymore, to ask him to come and pick me up. Because of you, I had to give a class drunk. Because of you, I was unable to do anything for the whole day.

Fuck you

ps. We can totally work this out if you promise to be nicer to me next time ;)
Dear Undergraduate University,

After having, what I was told, "good interviews!!!" by my contact in the department, eight days after the final round I get no response. Well thank the Christ for Facebook! A friend's status congratulates their friend on being "the newest (insert position here)!!!!" and hammering the point home with a "WOOT!" So I should probably assume you've decided to go in another direction... I'll be sure to call Monday to make sure, and thank you for the phone call letting me know your decision.

some guy

i LOVE this

Dear Myspace users under the age of 18,

Get the f*ck off of Myspace! As a matter of fact, get the f*ck off of the internet PERIOD! You little bastards are seriously effing it up for the rest of us who just want to see goofy drunken pictures of our friends over the weekend, or send out bulletins about a new pair of shoes we just bought. As far as I am aware of, we are not on Myspace, sending out "bullying" messages to some random girl or guy in our 5th period science class and then trying to act all "gangsta" and beat them up in the girls locker room.

You little f*ckers need to go to hell, seriously. Stop using the internet to send these stupid, childish messages because you are too full of sh*t to say any of these things in person. Why don't you just take your little ass to soccer practice, buy some freaking Jonas Brothers tickets, have a freaking Cap'n Crunch milk shake and CHILL THE F*CK OUT!

I swear to Jeebus, if i see ONE MORE freakin story about one of you little bastards using Myspace to bully some random kid in Idaho or to punk your Math tutor, I'm gonna start issuing out Compton-style ass whoopins.

Keepin it strictly Facebook,
Dear creepy random at work the other night,

Look. I'm a kind-hearted person. I don't mind chatting with customers across the counter while I make their coffee, I really don't. But I absolutely do not want to hear anyone's life story, especially if they're smelly, dirty, and only have a vocabulary of about fifty words. When people come in, sit down by the window and randomly announce, "Today has got to be the worst day of my life," there's usually a reason I don't respond -- it's because I'm a BARISTA, not a PSYCHOLOGIST. So you don't need to repeat yourself because I definitely heard you the first time. I just don't care. I'm really sorry that you got into a fight, although I'm not really sure how it got started .. it's generally a good idea to articulate your sob story well if you want any kind of reaction out of people .. but I'm pretty sure it's some dumbass thing YOU did that provoked the fight. And I'm sorry you "got your face kicked in about twelve times" but, uh, your face looked alright to me.

And saying, "I've never seen you here before, are you new?" only pisses me off since I've been working this job for over eight months now. I'm actually really grateful I haven't ever seen you before now. But next time, please do not further tell me the details of this fight you provoked while I'm on my phone checking my voicemail. I can't hear you, first of all, and more importantly, I don't care and you're getting on my nerves.

I think next time I'll just wear a sign that says, "I serve coffee, not psychological advice."

Wondering what's up with coffee drinkers these days,
Dear Life/friends/anyone involved in helping plan this G-dforsaken benefit,

WTF, man? All i want to do is throw this benefit and make a lot of money to help a kid get his sight back. However, most of my friends involved in planning this are dropping out or doing something else
totally shitty that is PREVENTING this. And to you, YOU, friend-who-i-constantly-swear-off-on-this-blog, you are the WORST. I gave you a second chance at participating in this and you just brushed this chance off as if it were just another stupid silly show being played with some other stupid silly local band at the closest hipster bar. I am SO sick of waking up everyday thinking "shit, is this the day i concede and give up?" Throw me a bone, here. Help me out. GIVE A SHIT FOR ONCE. This isn't about you, its NOT about me. Its about a family and their 2 year old who can't see and who needs to go to China for stem-cell therapy.


(whew, that felt good. sorry for the awful grammar and sentence structure, everyone. sometimes you just gotta type it alllll out.)


dear dear-lifers,

today is free iced coffee day at dunkin donuts- so go get some!

and, i got a free donut... because the guy said i looked friendly and looked like i could use a donut.

sipping my (free) coffee,
Last night I dreamed Lauren Conrad was an amputee. I wonder what the Hills drama would be like minus some limbs.
Dear Friends,

Firstly, I love you guys. A lot.

But seriously: please stop asking me if I’m okay. I’m failing my degree. Failing. That means no more Dean’s Merit List, no more postgraduate anything, no chance of the scholarships or bursaries I lost the last time I was failing a degree. That means I’m done. My glass is empty.

So when you see me and say, ‘Wow, you look terrible: are you okay?’ I’m pretty fucking sure you know as well as I do, and as well as everyone who’s happened to catch a glimpse on the shadow-like persona I’ve become these last two weeks knows, no. Actually, I’m not okay.

The only places I want to be right now are under a table or under a boy. Seeing as I am now officially broke after a serious of unfortunate and expensive mistakes, the table is not happening. Due to the fact that I’m apparently cold and unlovable, the boy thing is looking unlikely also.

In short, don’t ask me how I am. Clearly, that isn’t making it better.

Give me a break, before I break
dear milla (aka my new baby puppy),

i love you. you're the sweetest most adorable thing ever. i'm trying really hard not to suck and get a big purse/puppy bag cause you're so damn cute and i want the world to see you.

i got a puppy instead of having a baby, go me,

Dad Of The Year


What the hell?! I just don't get you. I am a unique individual, my friends would even say there was no one like me if pressed to describe me. Then you come along with your snotty posts that just undermine my whole essence. I love my pashmina ok? I love my gray New Balances, and I do know how to use proper grammar at all times, and I LIKE IT. I'm also not completely convinced that you are not my friend on facebook what with the way you seem to get the ideas about your posts from my interests and about me sections. So if you could just stop reading my mind and lowering my self esteem by relegating me to just another white gal, I would appreciate it.
Oh and by the way- I decided to not go to the Ivys, and instead went to a small liberal arts college even though the Ivys recruited me athletics- so there.

Enjoying my cereal with soy milk in my Siig water bottle,

Thanks Jon

Dear Guy Who Lives on My Street,

While I am flattered by your attention, you really need to work on your delivery. Sneaking up behind me and abruptly stating "You are very beautiful" in a thick Eastern European accent is more creepy then attractive I must say. And you follow up line "I watch you every day" really creeped me out. Especially since I've never seen you before in my life. Furthermore, literally chasing me down the street while begging to give me your number (even though I told you I'm moving tout of the country like, tomorrow) was a really poor move.

I suggest you work on those things before some poor girl slaps you with a restraining order. Or whatever they call those things in Britain.

Kind of glad I'm moving tomorrow,
Dear Samurai Restaurant,

It irks me when I come home and your take out menu is preventing me from opening my door without acknowledging it.

Don't Waste Your Paper On Bullshit I Never Look At,
Dear People Who Make Slow Left Turns,

What the fuck? YOU are risking life because I am closely following behind you while you take your sweet ass time. How am I supposed to defensive drive when YOU are going so fucking slow?! You know, if you wouldn't take your damn turns being Miss Safety Patrol at the speed grass grows, I wouldn't be scared for my life when I aggressively dart behind you trying to squeeze in as well. Basically, its all your fault and def not mine. Be more aggressive, you pussies. You are going to have me killed in the process of trying to drive with such precaution.

Good thing I know this sweet maneuver in which I hide the majority of my car behind yours so that if we get hit, you're getting it first.
Dear BF,

This whole "ditch me at a party to go talk to a group of all of your Jr High Female friends (which includes that b*tch, KB)" is REALLY getting old. How about you get some male friends and stop getting all overly nostalgic and estrogen inspired on me, with your super femme gang, eh? It makes me nervous, jealous, angry and annoyed. And it's not cute either.

I mean really, what completely heterosexual male grows up with 900 female friends, and has stories of being the ONLY guy at their childhood slumber parties??? You're making my eyebrows scrunch up, Mr. BF. Like seriously, get a clue.

And here are some tips to help you adjust to having a gf like me and female friends like them:
1) Don't leave me alone in a corner with a half glass of margarita, at a party for one of your play sisters. At least give me a full glass before you go.
2) Don't leave me alone in a corner to go and chat with a group of your female friends that JUST SO HAPPENS to include that b*tch, KB
3) Yes! It is possible for me to HATE that b*tch, KB, and still be cordial to her when we cross paths. It's called "the fake-out" and I'm a female, it's what we do.

I hope you really learned your lesson this weekend and I won't have to kick you out of my car again. I really hate doing that.

Anywayz, I still love you and your nappy/curly head and I can't wait to see you for some double dose of make up sex.


p.s. Is it me or is our "make up sex" become the norm for us? Just a thought.
Dear DC Cabbie Who Better Watch His Fucking Back and Keep His Kids in the House:

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?! ROLLING MY ARM UP IN THE WINDOW AND DRAGGING ME HALF A BLOCK?!??! YOU RUINED MY LIGHT-UP STRIPPER SHOES, YOU DOUCHELORD!!! And no one even got your info!!!! (Mostly b/c they were watching my shoes do a fucking disco light show.)

It's on, bitch. I am going to fucking rain all over the DC Cab Association or whatever that shit is called. I used to be a fucking personal injury lawyer, you sorry sack of shit. I can't find you, but I'm going to fuck over the rest of your kind.

I will kill the next asshole who has the balls to ask where I'm going before he lets me in the cab, I swear to fucking Vishnu,
Dear Upstairs Neighbor,

I know you and your dumb violin-playing-at-all-hours ass probably wouldn't think that I would be home at midnight on a Friday, but I am. And I'm tired. And I have residual mono fatigue...STILL. And mono body aches. And I miss my boyfriend who is undoubtedly drunk in Philadelphia. And I do NOT want to hear you play "Touch My Body", "Can't Live If Livin Is Without You", or "I Don't Want To Cry" A-NY-MORE. Please shut the fuck up. I do not wish to listen even a single second longer to ANY Mariah classic this evening. I just want to go to sleep.

You are such a bitch and you don't even know it.

At least you have learned to play something other than Roxy Music's "More Than This"...but I've already heard that stupid classical piece you always play twice tonight.

Why do you feel the need to listen to the SAME SONGS over and over again? Do you have some sort of syndrome?

You are so stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

I've decided I'm going to rip out one of my ovaries, walk out into the hallway, go up the stairs, knock, and throw it in your face when you open the door. Either that, or shit on your mother.
Dear PMS,

I do not like you or the fact that you are making me feel like I weigh as much an elephant carrying sandbags.

I do like that you put me in a spicy enough mood to write bitchy blogs.

Dear Gay Bf In Town Staying At My Apartment,

While you were gone, I rummaged through your toiletry bag...

You're 24, aren't we getting a little old for the Bugs Bunny "Bubble Fruit" flavored Colgate?


P.S. Why did you bring lube, you horny bastard? You'd better not (a) bring a random home and hook it on my air mattress or (b) rub one out in my shower and accidentally impregnate me when your jizzbomb gets on my soap bar.
Dear Longhorn Steakhouse,

When I ordered my filet cooked "medium", I did not mean that I wanted it to come out looking like red gelatin in the center.

If I wanted sushi, I would have gone to the Shogun.


P.S. But I really appreciate the free (bloody) meal and dessert that your manager comped me.
Dear Mom,

I love you and I’m sorry, but I will not buy you Carmen Electra’s Stripperobics for Mother’s Day.

Your befuddled daughter,
dear stimulus check,

where you at bitch?! i'm almost 100% sure i'm supposed to get you but i haven't yet. AND i direct deposited and have 03 as my last 2 digits in my SSN. so wtf?!

come on, i wanna buy a puppy with you.

Dear Subway Sandwiches:

I've never liked you. Never, ever, ever. Mainly b/c I have tastebuds. However, you were on the way home, I was hungry, and I only had about $6.83 to my name, so your $5 any foot-long sounded like a pretty fly deal. So there was an extra charge for guacamole, bacon, or extra meat. Fine, still a good deal.


I now see that you can afford to charge only $5 for your sandwiches b/c you hire people who think that the bacon on a chicken BACON ranch sandwich is extra b/c of the rules. Which, of course, means that I should also have to pay for the "extra" serving of chicken or for the bacon on a BLT. B/c sure, right!? I wish I'd had the forethought to pretend like I was going along w/ it and then leave after the sandwich was made. You can take your "extra" bacon charge and shove it up your ass.

Boycotting you FOREVER,
For Mothers Day:

This website makes me smile. Also miss my mama…
Dear Life

The one night I decide not to go out (because I have a huge project due on Monday and still haven't started) is the night the hottest guy I know - who I've had the biggest crush on for the entire semester - decides to go to my favourite club. And to make matters worse, he asked for me! And I wasn't there!! Seriously?! Why do you hate me?!

And, to add shit to an already shiteous story: I had a sex dream last night! For real.

Something better happen with me and Dan before he goes back to America in a month.

Frustrated and horny,
Dear Honey Teddy Graham snacks,

I can't stop eating your delicious crunchy goodness. You make me revert back to my childhood when I didn't pay attention to calories (or points) and eating a whole bag of cookies by myself was one of my hobbies, next to sneaking peeks at sex scenes in movies and collecting/accidentally killing lady bugs.

Good thing they didn't have child obesity and diabetes back then. *wheew* Dodged the bullet on that one...i think.
Dear Guys Who Use The Term "Nut" As A Verb,

This is almost as aversive to me as a man with many cats or adult braces.

Dear Reverse-Last Shoes:

I don't remember y'all, but thank your sweet tortuous being for keeping me from being pigeon-toed.

Yeah, silver bubble dress and black heels on connecticut going to 18th St Cafe, you inspired this dear.

Jesus god that looks awkward,
Dear guy friend who I have never met in person,

It seriously amazes me that we have "known" each other (online) for about 2.5 years now and I still have never met you (maybe because you live on the East Coast and I, the opposite). But I must say, when I have beef with my bf because he said/did something stupid, you totally sympathize and that rocks. Also, the fact that your live-in gf is a raving biatch (it seems), it makes it that much easier for me to seem like a stellar femme-bot in comparison. Sweet!

Anyway, it's good to know that since our significant others have so many very similar character traits and flaws, it confirms our belief that all of this is an experiment by the Feds to create a real-life version of The Matrix, which we are now participating in.

Oh yeah, and thanks for the text this morning at 5am to tell me that your gf was mad at you (again) because you told her that her brakes were bad. Haha, that's a way to get the day started! :)

So stay cool and lets not turn this into something awkward, mmkay? Cool.

Talk to you later, for sure. Especially if my bf acts a fool, as usual.
dear lifers,

funny as hell. makes me feel a little better that we're all batshit crazy, some are just at hiding it.

Dear Parents Who Make Use of "Customers With Children" Parking Spaces,

Perhaps having children and massive four-wheel-drive prams really does make your life that much harder. Perhaps it takes all the joy out of grocery shopping. Perhaps getting preferential parking makes everything better.

Here are some other things that make grocery shopping harder: obesity, veruca warts, haemorrhoids, being old, being short and stumpy, cancer, anorexia .... you get the idea.

So get off your high-horse already. You chose to have children. Just because Wal-Mart has decided it's in the best interests of the company to make their procreating customers feel validated does not mean you get to act like a total pratt and judge people for flouting these ridiculous parking space regulations.

Judging you and your baby-on-board sticker every time I see you smugly clamber out of your massive parked-at-the-entrance-SUV with your babyGAP-clad junior,


Why I Love Craigslist

Dear Person With A Wooden Leg That Lives Above Me.

I Threw Up About Five Times Watching This

Dear Woman In The Parking Lot Of The Grocery Store Judging Me For Parking In The "Customers With Children" Space,

Okay, you know what? People who take their kids to the grocery store at 9:30 pm are fucked up anyway.

Dear Life,

Yesterday I almost ran over a badly mutilated prairie dog carcass while riding to class. Today, laying in its place on the bike path, was THE BIGGEST TURD I HAVE EVER SEEN.

I guess the circle of life continues.

Dear Life,

Was it not enough that me and the hubby got in a wreck with a hit and run driver? (In his brand new car) Now we have to pay the $500 insurance deductible? Even though it wasn't our fault?

Didthe tow truck really need to take an ENTIRE day to come pick up the car? Did my car also have to stall out at the rent-a-car place? For 45 minutes? While other people were trying to leave? And my period started a day early. SERIOUSLY!??

I sincerely hope that the next few days are going to get better. I don't know how much longer we can deal with the shitstorm that is life at this particular time.

Hoping for better days,

P.S. If there is any way possible, I would really like to know what happens to that douchenozzle who hit us and ran off.
dear life,

My dream man has always been a lefthanded, tall boy with curly dark hair and blue eyes. is it too good to be true that my crush is all of the above?!

oh oh oh and our birthdays are 6 days apart. and his birthday is my lucky number.

and he mighttttt (sources point to yes) be crushing on me!

please be fate,

ps. rereading this made me throw up in my mouth a little bit. hello eighth grade crushes.
Dear dear-lifers,

Thanks for the advice on not visiting the ex...
I didn't listen to one word of it. I brought the cake, the present and drove 4 hours. Ya want to know what happened?


How's that for a poor life decision?

Oops (or maybe not),
Dear self,

You just totally earned another notch to your nickname. Running into parking garage poles does not equal a fun Monday. So now you get to tell Mom and Dad that its time for my bumper to be replaced for the 13th time. Please end the curse.

Hopeless wreck,
A letter to Chicago:

Dear Boystown,

Thanks for making me a ho.



Dear Navy Pier,

I hate you for making me fall in love.

I just decided i DO NOT like the word "libation".
It does not sound like what it is, therefore, I don't like it. Bye.

Cinco De Mayo Fun
Dear Weekend,

Although you were quite eventful, I would rather not have another one like you for a VERY long time. Between the 3-year-old's ballerina/ninja birthday party extravaganza, and the ghetto-licious and ghetto-fabulous super baby shower, I am EXHAUSTED. Who knew throwing parties was so much damn work???

But you weren't a total bust:
1) I got to see my mom try to fit through the tiny entrance of the jumper and get her big ol' booty stuck. (where in the HELL was my camera??)
2) I saw a wrestling match between two toddlers over a jolly rancher
3) My cat got chased by a small crowd of sugar-hyped pre-Ks
and 4) I just so happened to hire a party clown that was an ex-break dancer. Needless to say, now all the kids know what "the helicopter" looks like.

..and at the baby shower:
1) I almost got in a fight with one of the great-aunts over whether the mystery baby food was butternut squash or pumpkin, and then when I showed her the label, she alleged that I had switched it "just to get on her nerves"
2) On the cake, the family had the baker put "It's a Lil Hoochie Mama!" (As if "it's a girl" was just too politically correct)
3) One of the gifts were a pair of shorts that they kept calling "baby's first daisy dukes"
4) Everyone at the party kept insisting that I give them all gifts for coming. (Since when do you get a gift for ATTENDING a baby shower? *shrugs*)
and 5) The grandma accused me of putting the blind fold on too tight and messing up one of her fake eyelashes


So how about we just keep it at arms distance for awhile, Mr. Crazy Weekend. I need a break, but I'll holla at you in a few weeks after I regain my strength and sanity.

Until we meet again,

Dear Rod's Bleu Cheese Salad Dressing,

I'm not sure which disturbs me most:
1. The name "Rod's" being associated with a creamy, white substance
2. The idea of "artificial bleu cheese flavor"
3. The fact that you look like you're about to spooge all over my kitchen table

Glad you came on the side and not on my salad,
Dear crazy theater people,

Four months ago, I though you were all insane and a little frightening. Now I see how wrong I was. You're actually intelligent, nice, and really fucking hilarious.

I am no longer afraid of you. Thank you for opening my eyes.

Dear former Ridiculously good looking Co-worker,

I really dont understand you. You ask if you can "buy me a martini" saturday night and then i dont hear from you until I get a text at 6:00 saturday night asking if you can have a rain check b/c you don't feel well. I would totally understand if this were the first time that scenario has played out, but its the 4th TIME!!! Either you keep changing your mind last minute or you have some sort of weird disease that keeps cockblocking you. Either way, SERIOULSLY........STOP F#$#ING with me!!!

Also, when I tell you I had surgery the first words out of your mouth should NOT be "what kind of painkillers did they give you, can i buy them from you?"

Thinking I picked a Dud,
dear sub-conscious (or whatever the fuck creates dreams) slash self,

cute boyfriend dreams? seriously? (y'all, i had the cuuuuuuuutest dream ever.) you need to get it together. if you want a boyfriend then stop being all "anti-relationship". you've had prospects and you deliberately fuck it up. so yeah fuck off.

Dear 7-Hour Roadtrip With Mom, Dad, and Dog,

Not only bearable, you were enjoyable. I think this means I'm growing up.

Things that made you okay:
a) Gigi's cupcakes
b) the mixed cd of music I like made for mom (that she likes) that she was willing to listen to
c) the fact that dad was xantaxed out in the backseat (not backseat driving!)
d) "The Office" on DVD

Dear Jalapeno Hummus,

You have changed my life.

Figuring out how to ship a case of you back to the US,
Dear 5K I did yesterday,

I felt pretty happy finishing you and was extra happy that you were for a good cause- Chicago Women's Foundation. w00t to that. However, at the end of all the races I've done there has been water, bananas, maybe bagels. Having cotton candy at the end is just cruel. Obviously I just ran 3 miles and feel all healthy. But you have to tempt me with one of the most delicious, sugary, and rare treats in the universe. So of course I ate it. I had do! Just know that in the future- fitness and sugar aren't really friends. I mean they are to me, but they shouldn't be. The whole defying the purpose thing.. yea.

Sugar/adrenaline high,
Dear A,

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I will never abandon Dear Life as my absolutely fav blog, but has successfully consumed another hour out of my dragging work day and for that I am eternally grateful.

Too easy to please?

P.S. if S gets to blame you for bombing a final, does this mean I can do the same when I get fired? :)
Dear A,

I have wasted approximately 2.75 hours today reading blogs and laughing my ass off at random YouTube videos. Hours that I should have been using to study chemistry. And I'm blaming YOU and your blog when I bomb my final.

Keep up the good work,

P.S. Have you seen this one?

Awesome story

Random acts of kindness are so inspiring.