Dear guy at the bar,

I'm pretty sure that when you sought me out as the one to ask "Where's the pisser?" to, you shattered all my expectations for guys in their 20's. Do I look like the type of girl who would know "where the pisser" is?!?! Someone please remind me why I'm entering the dating scene again before I take up knitting and never leave the house again.

Shocked and appalled,
Dear man I crossed on the street,

I'm pretty sure it's August. Not November. So why did you gobble like a turkey at that poor mexican man as you passed him? He was just trying to cross the street. No need to throw the crazy at him.

Gobble gobble,
Dear Mr. Fish,

A few thoughts:

1. Breaking up with someone, ten minutes before they write a test, isn’t so cool.

2. Breaking up with someone who risked her friendships with both your brother and one of her future bridesmaids because she so genuinely liked you and so very much wanted to be functional and together this one time, also isn’t cool

3. Breaking up with someone (after making them hold hands in public and talk about their feelings) effectively because you can’t even say the word ‘girlfriend’ but still ‘really like’ her, again would not rank high on my list of ‘What To Do To Avoid A Front-Kick In The Man-Parts’

I wore my heart on my sleeve and you pissed on it. Then, you set the jacket on fire and said ‘but you’re still really great’: Thanks.

dear hurricane gustav,

so... august has been quite the shitty month for me. and i'm reallllly looking forward to my trip to new orleans next weekend. i need a few days of drinking hurricanes- not dodging hurricanes. don't mess this up for me!

step off,
Dear Driving Test Man

Fuck you! I know it's your job to make sure that I am a competent driver before you give me my licence, but you didn'y have to be so mean. Seriously. You have just crushed my dreams of getting my own car, driving my friends around and being able to escape whenever I want to. You are such a meanie and I don't like you.

I need a ride
Dear Male Gender,

Could you guys be bigger dicks?! You all are on notice.

Pun Intended,
Dear Life,

I have not written in in forever!!! I have finally kicked a bad habit and a bad boyfriend (its been a year!) Have a great new job and am finally in love again! Actually, we are talking about making it "permanent"!!
Life is good, actually amazing.
Thanks for being there through all my crazy stuff last year! :)

Dear credit card company,

Um, thanks for voiding my past month’s purchases. I’m still evaluating whether or not I should admit that, no, my Visa wasn’t stolen, and yes, those are in fact my extravagant purchases in three different countries.

This bill kind of looks like a winning lottery ticket,
Dear DLB,

Ok, seriously, has everyone fallen into a coma or are your lives suddenly either so perfect or so drama filled that you can no longer write a DLB entry at least every OTHER day???

I'm beginning to look elsewhere for my ordinary people drama. And I'll tell you something, BOSSIP.COM is no place for any degree-bearing individual. Especially if you are trying to read it at work and every other page has some girl in a thong. That is just NOT my cup of tea, people!

So get it together (or not) and start writing about your boring/busy, binge drinking, bus catching, bum fondling, boss cursing, babe boinking, boob bearing, butt bumping, blunt burning, boy bashing fantasies, shinanigans, and hijinx before I go mentally insane and start watching reruns of Brooke Hogan Knows Best on OnDemand! *shakes fist*

...that'll be all. As you were.

I'll be here all night,

p.s. forgot to add "ball busting"...
Dear Laz Alonso (google him ladies),

Although we only had a fleeting moment together, I feel like we really made a connection. When you looked me in my eyes and said, "Hey, how you doing? You look nice today," I knew it was love.

Those eyes...those lips...those biceps peaking out of your sleeveless shirt...they were all saying "TR, GROPE ME!"

But alas, I have a boyfriend, and as much as my friends all said that i should have "gotten [your] number" and/or "raped [you] in the middle of the street", I refrained and kept walking, ending our chemistry-filled conversation with a sweet "Thaaaank you" *smile*.

I know that someday, maybe in another time or space, we shall meet again. And when that day comes, I promise...that I will grab the shit out of your ass and bite your neck like a vampire!

...sorry Laz. I'll have to take a raincheck on your sweet caramel lovin'.

Until next time,
Dear Speidi:

Shut the F$%# Up! Is that a video/song a joke? You seriously cannot sing and that music video is terrifying!! Perez was right, you do sounds like a retarded robot. Did anyone else get a flashback of the Saved by the Bell music video?!?!?!?!?!?! I hate you but your song is now stuck in my head!!

Overdosin' on you,
Dear woman in the full burqa weighed down by Neiman Marcus bags,

While I sympathize with your adoration of Theory shift dresses, I don’t get it. May I suggest passing those purchases on to me? As a disciple of Gucci and not the Quran, I would happily give said dresses the life they deserve by allowing the public to admire them.

P.C. as always,
Dear crush,

Maybe I shouldn't call you a crush anymore. We decided we weren't going to be in a relationship, but I just want you to know -- I'm not your typical girl. When we hook up, that doesn't mean I'm attached to you for life. That means, venture back over next week (or earlier) and let's do it again. Get it?
See ya Sunday ;)
And hopefully I don't have any regrets about kissing another guy when I see you this time... who am I kidding? I had no regrets last time.

Fun is ahead since I haven't had a day off in 12 days.

PLDs are coming my way,
Dear L-word that keeps floating around my head,

STOP. Get out of my brain. I do not L-word the New Crush. You cannot L-word someone who doesn't L-word you back. Just because I drink a little bit of alcohol doesn't mean you are allowed to indiscriminately pop into my consciousness as if you are real. He L-words someone else, and so even though we all know he thinks I have a bangin' bod and bodacious brain, and even though I acknowledge that I want him like whoa, there is no reason for you to materialize just because I'm starved for affection.

Step off, cuz this is hard enough already,
dear dear-lifers,

for those of you who read my previous post... i need some advice. yesterday i was put in a very awkward position where my friend's boyfriend asked me if anything had happened between the other 2. i told him to ask them. well, thing is... they lied.

to tell or not to tell? i really don't know. anyone have experience with a similar situation?

casting thoughts out into the great wide web,
Dear Life,

This weekend I'm packing up and moving across the country once again. Why? Maybe to be close to my family, to avoid all my problems, to have an excuse to not work for a bit, to avoid my ex bf and his fug crush ... probably all of the above. I grew up moving around every few years and it looks like that's in my blood now. It's kind of like the episode of SATC when Charlotte gets a self-help book titled "Starting Over Yet Again." Pretty much!

See ya Chicago,
dear life,

when did my life turn into one messed-up episode of 90210? a week ago today i was going out for restaurant week with a college friend, working on deadlines and preparing my apartment for a group of visitors. the visitors included: a best friend from college, her boyfriend, my ex boy/hookup/whatever, his old roommate and another friend. i must admit that i was a little nervous having the ex boy/hookup at my apartment- but, i figured i'd just make the best of it.

then, during a friday night drunken bathroom confessional at a seedy adam's morgan bar... "best friend" tells me that she slept with my ex boy/hookup one night. it gets better... her boyfriend is the ex boy's best friend. oh... and did i mention- the three of them live together? recipe for success i must say.

how exactly was i supposed to react to this news? she knew how this guy broke my heart, she has a boyfriend, the boys are/were best friends... and we still had 2 more days of this fun filled vacation together. now i'm picking up the pieces, re-examining that entire "friendship" and stuck in that horrible position where i know something that her current boyfriend doesn't.

a week ago my biggest issue was whether or not the orange line would get me back in time to make my shuttle. now i have to decide what to do with this "friendship" and wait for the bomb to drop on their relationship.

wtf, mate.
Dear Vlad Putin:

Dude, WTF?! Step off Georgia.

‘Kay, so I may be old, because I remember the cold war, but that wall in Berlin ALREADY came down. Remember Gorbachev? He opened you alchys up to the world and yourselves? It caused a lot of turmoil and soul-searching and shit, sure…but look at all the growth and improvement Russia has had…you fuckers are positively EXPLODING economically right now… (unlike us.)

So now…you wanna go right back to being an isolationist, annexing bunch of fucktards?! Just so you can ensure obedience in your empire? While you pretend to allow elections…but still run the whole show…and have brought back assassination (with plutonium in fucking TEA, no less…), AND crushed the free press, AND imprisoned or shot your political rivals.

Dick moves all, asshole. Dick-fucking-moves. Seriously, stop being such a fucking douche.

Your Pal,

p.s. The only thing I ever liked about the USSR was that you made awesome James Bond vil lains. Stop living up to your stereotype, Stalin.
Dear Bernie Mac,

Ain't this about a summamab*tch! wtf is this bullsh*t?! I can't believe yo muthaf*ggin ass is gone. what the f*gg?!

See, I'm headin to tha sto', bout to get me some muthaf*ggin smokes, and whats do my muthaf*ggin ears hear on my muthaf*ggin radio, but that your muthaf*ggin ass done left us. Now what the f*ck is we supposed ta do?! What otha muthaf*gga is gonna show us how to effectively use words like "muthaf*gga", "b*tch ass", "punk ass", and "summamab*tch"??!

Look, all I can say is that this muthaf*ggin bullsh*t ain't cool and I'm one sad ass pissed off muthaf*gga right now.

Just rest yo muthaf*ggin ass in peace, aight muthaf*gga?! Summamab*tch...

MuthaF*ggin T to the MuthaF*ggin R
Elvis Where Are You?

Why can't we just go to Vegas? C'mon - it's 5 hours and we can drive thru. No, we have to go through 7 weeks of pre-marital counseling where I must detail the failures of my past 2 (yes, fuck you) marriages. You are "Mr. Right" but do I have to prove that I can't tell the difference between Mr. Right and a hole in my ass.

Love you but seriously, must I bleed all over my keyboard...again????

dear life,

200 years ago, okay maybe it was in the 60's but it seems that long ago, I was the awkward kid in grade school with the thick glasses and crew cut. I didn't have any friends .... And then the 70's hit and I was in junior high school. This was also the beginning of mandatory school busing. I welcomed the new students and for the first time in my life I had some friends. They turned me on to their world and in particular their music. So it is with much sadness that I hear that Issac Hayes passed away today. Thank you for the music and may you rest in peace. Shaft lives!

dear boyfriends mom,

you're fucking hilarious. awkward at times (like, every time), but i still love you.

here's a few of her golden nuggets:

1) "when b was little he used to catch our pets and end up with mouthfuls of hair. tell me, does he still nibble?"

2) "are you staying for dinner? i know b's sweet but i doubt he can fill you up."

3) "you two would have beautiful children."

4) "do you smoke cigarettes? oh well if you do. i used to. drink a little beer, smoke some cigs, and, lets not get into the rest..."

5) "oh cute shirt. do you give him sexy shows?"

oh boy.

Dear Fake French Boyfriend,

It was lovely seeing you on the street today for the first time since our deliciously snappy conversation about politics and literature four weeks ago. I’m afraid to say, though, I only recognized you because you carry a striking resemblance to my fake Italian boyfriend, my Dutch crush and the Ukrainian Olympian I wanted to jump at the airport.

I think I have a type,
Dear T,

I live for your comments to people's Dear Life posts. I will go for days without reading and have to play catch-up and find myself hoping you have read and commented. I love it. My most recent favorite is your comment to WanderingChick about asking men to have sex. Loves it. I hope I can write in soon about something steamy and/or raunchy so you can share your thoughts ;)

Keep commenting so I can be entertained,
Dear ex,

It's cool that you like someone else and all... but I really thought you had better taste! I'm a hot babe obvi.... but this new girl is seriously fug. I'm not just being a byach either, she's got 30 lbs on me, acne face, and desperately needs a nose job. I'm sure she's "nice" or whatever.. but sick me out. No wonder you still want to hang out with me and go to the beach so you can remember how hot I am in my string bikini. Talk about a downgrade...

Dear Company;

When I first found out I'd be doing High School Musical as my summer job I thought it was going to be awful. I thought that, at best, at least it was only a 6-week contract. In and out. I never ever thought I would love each of you as much as I have. I even kind of don't mind the musical itself now. Sunday will be a hard goodbye. You guys have helped and changed me in ways you will never ever know. I hope to work with you all again. Well, most of you.

We're All in this Together!
dear boss,

why don't you quit being such a fucking prick? i understand you got a "hefty" raise and the owner worships the ground you walk on but why don't you get off your high horse.

i was fucking upset because i was there at 8 fucking am and when i called you to ask a question at 11 you were still asleep. and thennnn you come in around 1ish and promptly take the other manager out to lunch when he gets there. THAT'S BULLSHIT, MISTER. i just wanted to eat my jimmy john's!!! and that's what i was planning on doing at ONE!!! fuckface.

you caused me to yell at my employees and act like a psycho biotch. so thanks.

Dear friend who keeps doing that "I miss my girlfriend" thing every
time we hang out,

I'm sorry if you felt uncomfortable when I told you The Dark Knight was a
"sexy, sexy movie. I think I just hit puberty again." Clearly you
didn't spend your two hours staring at Batman's crotch in full-on
gigantic IMAX.

Why so serious?
Dear hiking,

What the fuck is up with you? And why does everyone love you so much? I've tried to like you, but really, you're just walking. In the middle of nowhere. From nowhere. To nowhere. Seriously, every time I go anywhere in Ecuador people want to do you. "Hey, let's spend the next 7 hours walking up that mountain! Then we can walk back down it! We'll get really muddy, we'll be out of breath from the altitude and we might fall off a cliff. I sure do love the outdoors!"

Next weekend I'm going on a day trip to a nearby mountain town that has natural hot springs. My friends want to go early so they can do a SEVEN HOUR hike before hitting the spa. Now, I'm outdoorsy (aka I like swimming in the ocean, bbqs and drinking beer on front porches), but if I'm walking for seven hours it should be for a better reason than to just see some trees.

I think I'm a city girl,

Dear Life,

Lesson learned: If a boy has wings for dinner, make him wash his hands before doing anything fancy down there.

Dear armpits,

You guys are totally cramping my style. I get dressed to go out, put on AMPLE deodorant, and you guys still sweat rivers under my arms. What the dealio?? I can't be sexy when I'm sweating like a linebacker. That's not cute!

I've tried the strong deodorants. You know, the ones that say "strong enough for a man, but PH balanced for a woman". Yeah, bullcrap! Those things don't work. Got me smellin like a musty rose petal. It's not cool when you come in after lunch and people ask you if you went to the gym on your lunch break. I'm a grown woman, for God's sake. I can't be sweatin like a junior high boy trying to hide his boner. Give me a break!

Apparently though, I am not the only one with this problem. My friend tells me that she uses men's deodorant...I don't know about that one. It's one thing to take a nice whiff of men's body cologne on the biceps of my boy toy, but it is totally another to have my favorite silk shirt smell like I rubbed a GQ magazine all over it.

I can't understand why we can't just work together on this. I mean, how many times in the winter did i have the urge to shave your hairy surface, but resisted in order to give you a break and let you be free under my wool sweaters? Not everyone does that. You could look like a naked mole rat all year round and then I wouldn't have to deal with your funky 'tude.

So just calm down and don't sweat it, ok?

dear dear lifers,

not that my blog will ever be 1/100th as interesting and wonderful and hilarious as this one,
but it's if you want to know just how neurotic i actually am.

happy reading!
Dear summer,

Could you please let me know why you're sucking so much? Vacationing is obviously not going to happen, my friends are lazier than I am, and the ever-looming threat of yet another year of education is quickly approaching. I'd appreciate it if you could go out with a bang to make up for nearly two months of utter boredom.

That, or maybe I should get new friends.

Wishing I was on a beach instead of in the suburbs,