Dear Coworkers,

My thin cubicle walls are probably not enough to protect me from the bubonic plague which is apparently going around the office. 5 people have already called in sick this morning, and I can hear the guy down the hall hacking like a life long smoker.

I do not want the plague. Please stay away from me.

Poppin' my C like a drug addict,

Dear hot male masseuse,

It's pretty hard to relax when you're breathing heavily and using your strong manly hands all over my naked body. While you did release some knots in my shoulders and back, I'm more sexually tense than ever.


I know, no politics, but this is funny,

Dear Boy In D.C.,

You are making it very hard for me to take my best friend's advice and not move to our nation's capitol to be with/near you.

Dear male Dear-Lifers,

I heard on the radio yesterday about how guys are learning that they should become friends with a girl before they start dating them.
Is there validity in this statement?

Trying to get into the male head,
Dear Friend's Older Brother,

No I don't want to go to Paris with you. No, not even if you pay for the train ticket

No I don't want to hang out with you when you are in town this weekend. the thought makes me want to vomit.

You are a toolbox and I only made out with you a YEAR ago because I had consumed an entire bath tub of tequila. I would have made out with the lamp by then if it had showed interest. I've tried to put that nauseating experience behind me. I wish you would do the same.

Which part of "never talk to me again" didn't you understand?

Dear A and Dear Lifers,

At what point does one know when you are supposed to have a DTR discussion?

You've known each other for 2.5 weeks. Talk every day by either phone, text, or online. And lets be let him sleep over last weekend and it wasn't all innocent.

I definitely think it is too early to have this discussion, but a friend suggested it might be coming soon.

dear self,

holy shit. you got yourself in quiiite the pickle. why didn't you just catch the next train? an hour late to work is better than having to wear a not needed cast/walking boot for 2 weeks.


ps. in any event, you did get to spend the whole day with the boyfriend. which was nice.
Dear Eliot the Cat,

I love you but damn, why are you do against the idea of me sleeping. Every sneak into my bed with your furry cuteness and affection, then curl up in the spot least conducive to me sleeping. That's annoying enough, but you don't stay there, oh no. You poke me in the face, you try to spoon me, you stare creepily from the dark with your glowing yellow eyes. Last night I was awoken at 3am by an impromptu game of one cat tackle football. At least that's what I assume you were doing down there from the racket you were making. At least once a month of am woken by the sound of you yakking, on my clothes. When I try to throw you out of my room you hurl yourself against the door repeatedly like some sort of demented cat rapist. When I open the door in the morning you are standing right there, ready to dart back in and harass me some more.

Aside from being creepy this is annoying as hell.I know you love my but chill girl. Please cease and desist before I go insane from lack of sleep.

Lucky you are so cute,

Dear Little Gnome Secretly Following Me Around,

First you hid my heart rate monitor so that I can no longer tell how many calories I am burning at the gym. Since you've been following me, you obviously know that I don't like exercise and that little monitor helps me know the bare minimum of grunt work I have to do in a day! I am not happy putting that extra time in on the elliptical as a just-in-case!

Then you took my awesome NARS cheek tint in "orgasm" (and yes it does give you that oh so fresh "oh" look). Gnomes have naturally rosy cheeks. Step off my product obsession little man.

Then, you took my ipod. I went off to the Yankee game without a care in the world and came home to find it missing, despite the fact that it was intentionally left at home. Not cool. I can't blame you for loving my taste in music, it rocks. But that's just wrong. I do not want to spend my upcoming vacation money on replacing my "can't live without" Ipod. While I am at work today, please just go back to the apartment and shove it in the couch cushions or something. I'll act like I didn't already look there and we'll be ok.

And now, within hours of my office getting re-keyed, you snatched my new set right off my wrist. I don't really like being made a fool of at work. They eye rolls and dirty looks I got this morning when I sheepishly told them that I am being stalked by a gnome didn't go over very well.

Stop causing me to feel like I am losing my mind, little gnome bastard. I'm TRYING to get my shit together.

Not afraid to spike you like a football when I catch you,
Dear Suede from project runway,

Either always refer to yourself in 3rd person or never.
Mixing the two just draws more attention to your douchness.

Leanne Fan,
Dear tarot card reader I saw this summer,

I tried to be open-minded when you mystically hinted that I'd find myself a swoon-worthy boy on Sept. 15, but I think I'm being punk'd. The only new people I encountered today were the old maintenance guy who fixed my smoke alarm and some fratarded bros on the bus. Thanks, but no thanks.

Can I please still own three properties and visit Germany?
Dear DearLifers,

How to get back old facebook:

then clck 'add application'

then click

you get old classic fb back

It's okay to fear change,
Dear Mac,

Its been a week and i want you to know i am really upset over what happened to you. I know we werent friends but i still knew you, the inhumane treatment you received over what was probably so pointless is sickening. I pray those 2 who took you away rot in hell.
I'll never forget one night at some random party i saw you dancing, you pointed to me then grabbed your penis - great memory!!
My thoughts are with your family and friends RIP.



Dear Friend's Husband,

I've gotta admit I was quite surprised to get a text message from you at 4:45 AM this morning saying "Come see me. I love you, sexy mama."

So, I know you are the "Fun Bobby" of the crew - and when you drink you drink to the point of black out. And it's rumored you've been mildly innapropriate with many of our friends while drinking in the past. But we had heard you had gone cold turkey now that your wife is preggers and ya'll are alone in another state.

Not cool dude. Lay off the sauce and definitely lay off me. Take care of your wife and unborn kid. Does anyone know how to wash this ick off?

drunk isn't actually an excuse,
Dear ex,

Checking out your facebook page- I'm realizing just how weird you truly are. Excessively quoting "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" or whatever makes you seem like a huge nerd. Oh wait.... you are.

Eyes opened,
Dear Sparkly Minidress,

You are 90% covered in silver sequins. You hug my ass and show off my legs. I bought you in Ecuador, meaning no one else on this continent owns you. I may say tomorrow's (fabulous) party is for my BFF's birthday, but you'll be the real star. I'm even shaving my legs AND my pits for you.

Thanks for making me look like a slutty disco ball,


dear new facebook layout,

you suck. bring back the old one!

Dear Dear Life Blog:

Assuming I can avoid political incarceration for the next 18 hours, I’m totally gonna caucus my ass off for some old-school anthem-build-release electronic music. I wish that was on the ballot.

Paul Van Dyk is spinning tonight and I have bells on. I even wore them to work!

Dear Hannah,

You tried to crash my weekend party extravaganza, rained on my parade all day Saturday, and tried to kill me with your Humongous Waves of Doom and Scary as Crap Undertow - (which, by the way, made it almost impossible to stand still enough to pee in the ocean, and I was really drunk and really had to go! You're so hateful.) HOWEVER, I still managed to get wasted, get a (sorta) tan, and have sex on the beach under some amazing stars, so... I think I won this one, betch.

(Don't) Blow Me,
Dear Work,

Getting a little crazy huh? I guess you are freaking out that many of your peeps are going out on maternity leave. Well stop bothering me. I can't keep up with the election, online shopping and leaving your ass behind for a NEW Hot Work Stud. Yes I am cheating on you when I am with you. Treat me with respect Work and I might give you notice before I peace out. You are coming between my g-chats with Shameless.

Hate you bitch,

Dear White Dress,

Why did I think I could get away with wearing you for a night of heavy drinking? Sure you are cute but when lack of hand eye coordination meets extreme inebriation and a complete carelessness for all liquids (the Aussies used to threaten to make me use a sippy cup) THIS is almost always the end result.

Wondering what I could possibly wear to my own wedding,
Dear Parental Unit,'re moving to Switzerland. In a few weeks. For a year. And asking me to move back in to watch over the house/cat and rent out the rooms to 4 (hopefully) bad ass chicks. I'm gonna miss you and all, but can you hurry up and get the eff out already?! I can not WAIT to turn my childhood home into a bitchin' bachelorette pad!! Also, the sooner you leave, the sooner I can come visit you and ski the Swiss Alps FOR FREE.

Dear Hurricane Hannah,

Wow, thanks for not actually drowning CF and I when we drunkenly attempted to swim in the ocean Friday night. You hadn't actually hit the Eastern Shore yet but your friend Ridiculously Strong Undertow crashed our party early. We only got about waste deep but there was some definate wipe out potential there. Okay yeah, we may make some questionable decisions when drunk but... well actually I can't think of an end to that sentence. We're dumb.

NOT a dolphin,
Dear First Paycheck,

You don't arrive until next week but I've already spent most of you in my head.

On shoes.

Broke but happy,
Dearest Aaron,

I'm sorry you're offended that I'm such a "raging liberal". I'm also sorry that I'm sure you feel that my political opinions mean I discredit your service to our country. However, that does not give you the right to be mean to people on my blog. Thanks.

Oh, and you could have just signed your name.

P.S. I'm done writing about politics on my blog. Barack Obama has 100% of my support, but I don't want readers/friends who are Republicans to be turned off.
Dear Rihanna,

I am not sure if you got the memo, but you have absolutely NO TALENT. And I know that the constant praise and adoration that you receive can be misleading, but trust me honey, they AREN'T yelling because they think you sing/dance well. They are yelling because your Gucci sandals are freakin awesome and your abs are fierce.

Now don't get me wrong, you surely do know how to rock an American Apparel tank top and make it look like Fendi, but your musical skills are significantly below par. I say this because some horny executive at MTV came up with the "great" idea of making you the opener for the VMAs. BIG mistake. I was so drowsy after your Frankenstein-infused performance that I felt like I was slowly falling into a coma. I mean, just because you look hot in shredded fish nets and black lipstick DOES NOT give you the right to bore the hell out of all the sad people in the audience. I mean, even ONE dance move would have sufficed, but no, instead you spent your whole 4 minutes sauntering around stage like an autistic zombie in an attempt to match up with the 800 dancers that MTV hired to mask your uninspiring performance.

Honestly, your spotty show must have somehow brought shame upon the house of Chris Brown. Last year, he seriously put on one of the greatest performances that I have seen on the VMAs since MC Hammer, and you just pissed all over it with, by far, the WORST musical act since Britney and the Belly Beast.

How about you do us all a favor and take these tips to ensure that you don't become the next Samantha Mumba:
1) Go into modeling, because between acting, singing, and dancing, that is pretty much the ONLY ONE that you can actually do flawlessly.
2) Stop shopping everyday. If you were Beyonce (which I think you wish you were), I wouldn't be telling you this. But you are not and will never be Beyonce, so stick to an every-other-weekend shopping schedule, mmkay? Thanks.
and 3) Don't you ever, never, ever ever ever break up with Chris Brown. Even if he cheats on you. Stay with that boy for as long as is humanly possible because you are gonna need his cashola when your boobs start to fall and your singing abilities (or lack thereof) begin to overshadow your keen eye for expensive fashion. Having a baby by him wouldn't be a bad idea either. Even though that might have a negative effect on your sultry image for a few months, it would be a major investment for your financial future.

I hope this helps you to realize the monster that you are up against. Yeah, you may have everything now: a HOT (and talented) boyfriend, fame, an abundance of cash for shopping sprees, and a firm backside, but one day, someone is going to want you to actually WORK for the money that you are getting paid. And then what? You will be doing full frontal scenes in B-movies and posing for the cover of KING magazine. Good luck with that.

Keep up the good "work",
Dear America:

Are you FUCKING CRAZY? How is McCain ahead in the polls?

First off, the Republican Party is not about “free-market, laissez faire, small-government, low-taxes” anymore. They just NATIONALIZED the two private, massive, home-loans companies, for shit’s sake! They are BAILING OUT badly run investment banks! They are OVERSEEING the economy in an attempt to mitigate the damage of oil policy run unchecked! That ain't market-based economics.

By contrast, Obama will actually leave Americans with 2% more after-tax income on average than McCain. (5% average tax breaks rather than 3%) Check it out!

Also…The Republicans are NOT about virtuous living. Sure, they want to TELL you how to live, but they:
1) support the “choice” of THEIR unmarried, abstaining…pregnant…daughters, and;
2) cheat on and dump their first wife (Carol McCain) for their rich, Arizonan second wife (Cindy) who bought them a seat in the Legislature (…defense of marriage my ass)

You want to give the job to someone because he got tortured after crashing his FIFTH taxpayer funded plane.

His torture was horrific…but that’s his ONLY qualification. He also:
1) got into Anapolis only because his daddy and granddaddy were Admirals
2) Finished 6th from last OUT OF 1000!
3) Lost FOUR American military jets BEFORE his last flight
4) Yet kept on flying because daddy was running the pacific fleet.
5) Returned from imprisonment and cheated on his wife with NUMEROUS floozies, before DUMPING her for a rich, pretty upgrade who bought him his congressional district.

Maybe…just maybe...based on his real record, rather than his pedigree…he should have been grounded BEFORE he was shot down? Maybe a BETTER PILOT in the cockpit would have completed his mission over Ho Chi Minh City and returned? Shit…how many children might he have mistakenly maimed, mutilate or destroy with misplaced ordnance that a BETTER FLYER might have spared? If we had assigned command based on merit, rather than family, we might have prevented McCain ever being tortured at all…

But now you want to put him back in the cockpit? JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! Obama has never failed anyone, is self-made, is brilliant, and is a doting family man. McCain has been handed everything, has nearly been KILLED by his loss of his fifth plan, was in the BOTTOM one-half of 1% at a military college, and loves him the ladies…especially rich beauty queens. (Rawr, pageant shots of Sarah Palin! Now THAT's "vetting ")

McCain shouldn’t even be picked for a kickball team. I love you, country, but am often embarassed by my retarded neighbors' idiot parents and siblings.

Am I the only one sane in the asylum?

p.s. Oh yeah...and the failure of the crowd to even politely golf-clap when Huckabee said he was proud our country had nominated a man with indifference to his race...was SHAMEFUL. All your mothers were terrible parents...
Dear Sarah Palin,

Maybe if your daughter had gotten more comprehensive sex education programming (instead of abstinence only), you might not be having an illegitimate grandchild and a teen headed right to divorce court before she hits her 21st birthday.

Also, I'm pretty sure that the Bible has no direct verses about abortion(because it did not exist in biblical times), yet it has THOUSANDS about helping the poor and putting them above yourself. Funny how you are so quick to shove that issue under the rug.

Thousands of Americans are dying every year because they don't have healthcare because our system is so fucking corrupt and all Paris Hilton can think about is how she doesn't want taxes to raise. I understand that people don't want such a huge chunk taken out of their paycheck, it sucks, but the amount of opportunity to increase wealth that the rich have is unproportional. It is soooo incredibly hard to pull yourself out of poverty, while it is easy as shit to invest your millions and make them multiple in a small matter of time. The rich are getting richer at a rapid rate, and higher taxation is an attempt to slightly set that off. Rest assured, that the rich WILL STILL get richer, but maybe we could give people who have never had a pair of new shoes in their life, that were forced to drop out of school at 15 to work at McDonalds because their mother was a single parent who needed another income and couldn't care about her child's education because her situation was desperate, a fighting chance (i know that was a really bad run-on sentence).

I don't know. I'm scared about your approval rate. I think that if your party takes this election it will be a huge mistake. That's just my opinion.

Barack The Election,
Dear Calling Card,

Running out of talk time during phone sex is not acceptable.

Still waiting to find out how he wants to $%&@ my %#@*& with his #@*&$@,

Dear Politics,

If I hear any of the following words/phrases one more time I may have to up and leave the country for good:

a hearbeat from the presidency
ready to lead
candidate of change
hail mary pass

I know the media wants to dissect everything going on in the election, but can't they throw in some new vocab words. I swear every sentence out of someones mouth contains one of those words. And that means that they are all SAYING THE SAME DAMN THING. Over and over. It makes my ears want to bleed.

And another thing, who the hell are these undecided voters?!? I don't know any of them- everyone I know made up their mind months ago. Surely after weeks and weeks of this non-stop media circus people would either choose a damn candidate are give up.

Hugging my thesaurus,

Dear stomach infection,

You’re dreadful. Still, it is kind of fun telling my friends their sappy boyfriend stories are going to make me vom and then ACTUALLY HAVING IT HAPPEN.