Dear "For something that's supposed to be a fling, it sure looks like a lot of work" Summer Fling Boy:

I'm sure that you remember this past summer, when we dated and everything was sweet and smiley and happy exciting kitten streamers of colorful fun. I'm sure, then, that you'll also remember how, just as things were really starting to sizzle, you took the petty amateur magician's route and pulled off the kind of disappearing act (and positively frightful PR move) that even David Blaine wouldn't dare attempt. Perhaps you'll also recall how, several months after said vanishing, you foolishly chose to wield the unsavory communication tools of Facebook like a rusty, chain-link mace, in a thinly veiled attempt at grabbing my wavering attention.

Given the context and circumstances of the above, I thought you might be interested to know that I've since spoken with an old acquaintance of yours, who shed light for me not only on your reckless routine of using and abusing poor, unsuspecting victims like me in order to further your fledgling career, but also on that little recreational habit of yours which has, within my circle of friends, earned you the nickname "Cokie Roberts." Mayhaps, you would now like to know that I am at least 1,000% over you.

Sniff-sniff, snort snort,

Dear Huge Embarrassing Failure Guys:

Just in case you hadn't heard, I am no longer accepting applications for admission.

Bon voyage,

Dear Mom,

As we sat and watched TV, a Ben Affleck promo of some sort flashed upon the screen, you grabbed my hand and said, "There is your boyfriend! What is ____(an ex boyfriend that strongly resembled Ben Affleck in his debut) doing these days?"

So,now you care about my ex. The same one you shunned from our house and forbid me to date bc your friends didn't like him. The same one you refused to let me go to prom with so I went with someone else that left me there mid-prom to go out with his friends. This is the same guy /reason you refused to give me a long distance phone account in college (cutting me off from all friends - just so I couldn;t talk to him.) We were left to sneak about a'la Romeo and Juliet. But Romeo and Juliet is just a sad fairy tale with a sad ending. We walked away because of you - not because of our own volition, THAT will haunt and hurt forever. I don't know what would have been, I seriously doubtful that he would have been the one, but I am insulted that you have the gaul to bring him up and suddenly talk about him as my first love - when you denied that he even existed before. I did everything I could to respect you, despite my heart, and you still disrespect mine so many years later.

And the fact is this:Today, ____ is a really devout Christian man, he married a devout Christian woman and they just had a baby. I know this because, although he and I haven't spoken in years, he took the time to track me down to send me a birth announcement. So, he's not the greatest man for contacting me about that, but again...why would he want me to know if he and I didn't care...

How Dare You, Mom? Too little, too late is all to simple a statement. But to say anything more than that would be unbecoming of me. You're my parent and I will love you and respect you. But I'm forever broken. Any man I meet and I could potentially love, I have turned away so you can't ruin it. And any man that seems to meet your criteria is HORRIBLE on the inside bc your judgement is clearly fucked.

You denied his and my existence for so long, but now you are so worried that I am alone that you glorify bullshit past. Insulting. I am better than the damage done to me, so I take your sudden and completely surprising admission that ___ and I were in love as my carte blanche to *discreetly say fuck you to any complaints you ever make about my love life again. Here's to a new chapter, you bitch.

Happy Holidays,
Dear hockey boy and your bff,

I've known you both since we were snotty 6 year olds playing on the elementary school field. I dated you in high school and even though we broke up there were no hard feelings. Now, we've been messing around for a few months on and off and I was pretty sure you were just my "movie partner" and nothing more. The night you weren't able to show up and your bff was bartending WAS going to suck without you there. Of course, quite unexpectedly, I fell for bff and ended up spending the night at his place, where we did nothing but cuddle despite other inclinations because neither of us would do that to you. I decided to do the right thing and tell you the truth: I've kind of fallen for your bff and we should probably lay off the sex for a while since, well, its wrong for me to be sleeping with you AND crushing on him.

Despite my clearly updstanding intentions and commendable respect for you and the truth, you are no longer talking to me. I feel like shit, and bff obvs. has to take care of you first before we can hang out again. I understand ALL of this. Now I'll probably lose our friendship, you'll be too upset to let bff and I hang out, and I will be left without my "movie partner" and no chance at a shot with the new crush.

Here's hoping that you'll see that I did an incredibly hard, but well intentioned thing by telling you and that everything will work out for all of us.

Hating the love triangle,

p.s. Thanks truth, who knew you'd turn out to be such a bitch.