Dear Sex Drive,
You know what's incredible? You've disappeared. Almost completely. And this is not unexpected either. You've been plummeting to shockingly low levels for months upon months. You're kinda like that old car sitting in the driveway. No one wants to use you and there you lay, value decreasing, and battery dying. Sad.
Whatever, I'm volatile when my hormones are raging anyway. Oh well. What a waste of my nubile 23 year old physique. I don't even care anymore.
Apathetic To Your Apathy,
A
Dear Bitches Who Work At Boutiques,
You people are sluts. You irritate me tremedously. Why is it your staple move to eye me up and down when I walk into your store to determine whether I'm worth helping? Guess what, my father makes money. A shit ton of money. Do I ask for any of it? No. And that's beside the point.
Just because 90% of my clothes are from Target and I don't wear David Yurman jewelry (even if I could afford it, I wouldn't wear it anyway because that shit is ugly) does not mean you need to make me feel judged. Hey whores, you know what I do? I educate myself and I'm in the midst of working toward a graduate degree. Do you know what a degree is? Oh right, you don't. And I'm better than you. Did I say that yet?
So, if you could kindly assist me in selecting a pair of $160 jeans I would greatly appreciate it. Sure, they will be the only pair of pants I purchase this season, but my ass will look just as good in designer jeans as yours so get off me.
And don't even fucking act like you could afford that wardrobe without your 75% off employee discount.
I don't even know why I'm bothering to say this. You fold jeans as a career. Enough Said.
Not Cleaning My Clothes Out Of The Dressing Room Just To Piss You Off,
A
You people are sluts. You irritate me tremedously. Why is it your staple move to eye me up and down when I walk into your store to determine whether I'm worth helping? Guess what, my father makes money. A shit ton of money. Do I ask for any of it? No. And that's beside the point.
Just because 90% of my clothes are from Target and I don't wear David Yurman jewelry (even if I could afford it, I wouldn't wear it anyway because that shit is ugly) does not mean you need to make me feel judged. Hey whores, you know what I do? I educate myself and I'm in the midst of working toward a graduate degree. Do you know what a degree is? Oh right, you don't. And I'm better than you. Did I say that yet?
So, if you could kindly assist me in selecting a pair of $160 jeans I would greatly appreciate it. Sure, they will be the only pair of pants I purchase this season, but my ass will look just as good in designer jeans as yours so get off me.
And don't even fucking act like you could afford that wardrobe without your 75% off employee discount.
I don't even know why I'm bothering to say this. You fold jeans as a career. Enough Said.
Not Cleaning My Clothes Out Of The Dressing Room Just To Piss You Off,
A
Dear friend who owns a psycho dog,
I know that you think that Fido is the cutest, cuddliest little bundle of awesome to ever hit DC, but I assure you, he's not. His antics, like jumping on me and trying to bite my hands every time I walk in the door, are getting old.. Although Fido's penchant for almost ripping my shirt is uber-irritating, more annoying is your solution of "just ignore him". How 'bout you discipline your dog instead, mmkay? Because if Fido does succeed in his task of costing me my entire wardrobe from Banana, I'm gonna kick someone. And it's not gonna be the dog.
xoxo,
T
I know that you think that Fido is the cutest, cuddliest little bundle of awesome to ever hit DC, but I assure you, he's not. His antics, like jumping on me and trying to bite my hands every time I walk in the door, are getting old.. Although Fido's penchant for almost ripping my shirt is uber-irritating, more annoying is your solution of "just ignore him". How 'bout you discipline your dog instead, mmkay? Because if Fido does succeed in his task of costing me my entire wardrobe from Banana, I'm gonna kick someone. And it's not gonna be the dog.
xoxo,
T
Dear Brother:
I love you more than life itself. You make me laugh my face off on a regular basis and bring joy to my shriveled, twisted heart. I know you would love this blog. Sadly, I can never, ever show it to you.
Well, maybe I can b/c it'll be good practice for my book,
b
PS Yeah, I'm a dirty whore. You kinda already knew that, though, right?
I love you more than life itself. You make me laugh my face off on a regular basis and bring joy to my shriveled, twisted heart. I know you would love this blog. Sadly, I can never, ever show it to you.
Well, maybe I can b/c it'll be good practice for my book,
b
PS Yeah, I'm a dirty whore. You kinda already knew that, though, right?
dear today,
you were excellent. the weather was perfect and my hair looked absolutely amazing and Homecoming Date is going to ask me out (ohmygod, c in a real-ationship.. whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!) and i've decided that i really do LOVE my friends even when they're being bitches and i didn't even feel fat (still!) after i ate approx. 304823 pieces of halloween candy.
also, i'm going to get moderately drunk tonight, but not too drunk because i have to go to work tomorrow at 7AM and flirt with the semi-cute-but-mostly-just-fun-to-lead-on Conservative SuperChristian and then have an amazing Saturday and sleep and paint my toenails and watch Love, Actually for the 320847234th time.
gah! why are you so good to me?? i really don't deserve you, cutie.
loving you like a certain slightly chubby redhead loves fun-size almond joys,
-c
you were excellent. the weather was perfect and my hair looked absolutely amazing and Homecoming Date is going to ask me out (ohmygod, c in a real-ationship.. whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!) and i've decided that i really do LOVE my friends even when they're being bitches and i didn't even feel fat (still!) after i ate approx. 304823 pieces of halloween candy.
also, i'm going to get moderately drunk tonight, but not too drunk because i have to go to work tomorrow at 7AM and flirt with the semi-cute-but-mostly-just-fun-to-lead-on Conservative SuperChristian and then have an amazing Saturday and sleep and paint my toenails and watch Love, Actually for the 320847234th time.
gah! why are you so good to me?? i really don't deserve you, cutie.
loving you like a certain slightly chubby redhead loves fun-size almond joys,
-c
Dear Guy I Recently Had Sex With Who I Used to Hang Out With Often in a Completely Platonic Way,
WOW. You have completely blown my mind. I always used to think you were kind of cute in that "Hey. I'm a dick, but I'm a funny dick." kind of way, but now.. I'm like "Holy shit, we need to bone again. Soon. Now. Today." You were phenomenal. Honestly. I thought my ex was ridiculous.. but now, you. Damn. You are veryyyy well-endowed and you took your time to ensure ME pleasure. AND, you're a good kisser. That biting thing you do... Ahh. Um, excuse me. Please have a seminar on how to bang for guys world-wide.
Hoping To Do It All Again and Again and Again,
Me
WOW. You have completely blown my mind. I always used to think you were kind of cute in that "Hey. I'm a dick, but I'm a funny dick." kind of way, but now.. I'm like "Holy shit, we need to bone again. Soon. Now. Today." You were phenomenal. Honestly. I thought my ex was ridiculous.. but now, you. Damn. You are veryyyy well-endowed and you took your time to ensure ME pleasure. AND, you're a good kisser. That biting thing you do... Ahh. Um, excuse me. Please have a seminar on how to bang for guys world-wide.
Hoping To Do It All Again and Again and Again,
Me
Dear Starbucks,
Even though you are grossly overpriced and give me one hell of a case of ageda' for a couple hours after consuming one of you hi-test caffeinated products, I can't express how much I absolutely love you! Sure, the coffee here is okay, and the coffee I make myself is pretty damn good… but no matter how much coffee I have consumed, one taste of you has my heart ready to explode out of my chest in awakened goodness… need to go smoke a carton or cigarettes now to calm myself down…
Granted, I paid almost $4.00 for a whopping ten ounces of you, but DAMN your'e good. You will keep me awake long enough to fall asleep in my meal on my date tonight… that being considered, I may need to visit you again once I pry myself off the ceiling.
Yours in overpriced caffeinated happy,
J
Even though you are grossly overpriced and give me one hell of a case of ageda' for a couple hours after consuming one of you hi-test caffeinated products, I can't express how much I absolutely love you! Sure, the coffee here is okay, and the coffee I make myself is pretty damn good… but no matter how much coffee I have consumed, one taste of you has my heart ready to explode out of my chest in awakened goodness… need to go smoke a carton or cigarettes now to calm myself down…
Granted, I paid almost $4.00 for a whopping ten ounces of you, but DAMN your'e good. You will keep me awake long enough to fall asleep in my meal on my date tonight… that being considered, I may need to visit you again once I pry myself off the ceiling.
Yours in overpriced caffeinated happy,
J
Dear God,
I'm pissed. What did I ever do to you to deserve this sort of treatment? I believed in you and had faith in you. I called on you in times of need, when I was feeling weak and alone. I thought you were a fair god.
Yet, these last two years have been the worst I think I have ever lived: A betrayal by a close friend who threatened my livelihood, the relapse of my depression which I thought I would never recover from, the tragic and unexpected death of one of my best friends, the death of an aunt who struggled with cancer, another aunt who is fighting it right now, and the abrupt ending to a relationship I had hoped would go somewhere... FOR ONCE.
Is this your way of testing my strength of spirit? Perhaps my faith in humanity, or my faith in you?
Please cut it out with the "pop-quiz" tests on life. I'm tired of the surprises. The only way to get back into my good books is to ensure the next 70 years of my life are happy ones.
Waiting on you,
Lx.
I'm pissed. What did I ever do to you to deserve this sort of treatment? I believed in you and had faith in you. I called on you in times of need, when I was feeling weak and alone. I thought you were a fair god.
Yet, these last two years have been the worst I think I have ever lived: A betrayal by a close friend who threatened my livelihood, the relapse of my depression which I thought I would never recover from, the tragic and unexpected death of one of my best friends, the death of an aunt who struggled with cancer, another aunt who is fighting it right now, and the abrupt ending to a relationship I had hoped would go somewhere... FOR ONCE.
Is this your way of testing my strength of spirit? Perhaps my faith in humanity, or my faith in you?
Please cut it out with the "pop-quiz" tests on life. I'm tired of the surprises. The only way to get back into my good books is to ensure the next 70 years of my life are happy ones.
Waiting on you,
Lx.
Awww P7!!!!
Dear Coworker Who It Turns Out Probably Doesn't Like Me All That Much,
I am just a big dumb animal. Please do not literally tell me you love me and then have a phone conversation right in front of me in which you discuss whether or not you are pregnant and say things like "when am I going to see you again." To a person who is not me. I would rather you kicked a sack of puppies down a flight of stairs. I am not smart or clever enough to avoid getting my feelings hurt in that situation. Now I have a shit-ton of work to do and your bitch-ass on my mind all day.
I am a stupid idiot please treat me accordingly,
P7
Dear Coworker Who It Turns Out Probably Doesn't Like Me All That Much,
I am just a big dumb animal. Please do not literally tell me you love me and then have a phone conversation right in front of me in which you discuss whether or not you are pregnant and say things like "when am I going to see you again." To a person who is not me. I would rather you kicked a sack of puppies down a flight of stairs. I am not smart or clever enough to avoid getting my feelings hurt in that situation. Now I have a shit-ton of work to do and your bitch-ass on my mind all day.
I am a stupid idiot please treat me accordingly,
P7
Dear Life:
Here is what I want out of you RIGHT THIS MINUTE:
1. Someone to bone on a regular basis. This person must require ZERO effort or requirement from me. As in, "Hey come over, let's do it, and then you can leave but I will still be cool around you in person and not tell everyone we know that I wheelbarrow the hell outta you on a reg basis."
2. No people to want to date me. That is too much right now. Please ref #1.
3. A new, shiny job. On the Hill. Where I'd thrive and get to talk to people all day and be uber-witty and smart and end up President just in time to let China ascend to THE major world power and therefore have to do nothing but be China's bitch all day.
4. A new liver. (Preferably, non-spotty or -fatty. I already have one of those of my own, thanks.)
5. My BF in Texas to get the hint and stop talking in future terms already.
Super. I'll wait to see what you serve up.
Oh, and maybe throw in some weight loss (or at least no further weight gain, k?),
b
Here is what I want out of you RIGHT THIS MINUTE:
1. Someone to bone on a regular basis. This person must require ZERO effort or requirement from me. As in, "Hey come over, let's do it, and then you can leave but I will still be cool around you in person and not tell everyone we know that I wheelbarrow the hell outta you on a reg basis."
2. No people to want to date me. That is too much right now. Please ref #1.
3. A new, shiny job. On the Hill. Where I'd thrive and get to talk to people all day and be uber-witty and smart and end up President just in time to let China ascend to THE major world power and therefore have to do nothing but be China's bitch all day.
4. A new liver. (Preferably, non-spotty or -fatty. I already have one of those of my own, thanks.)
5. My BF in Texas to get the hint and stop talking in future terms already.
Super. I'll wait to see what you serve up.
Oh, and maybe throw in some weight loss (or at least no further weight gain, k?),
b
Dear High School Buddy in Town for the Weekend:
You are the biggest weirdo ever. You compulsively talk about boring crap you love regardless of audience interest, you dress like you have fashion turrets syndrome, and you obviously feel self-conscious in my social circle. You're out of your depth here. We have really grown apart.
Yet you still accept me as I am. You still would take a bullet for me, still call me on my bullshit, and still see through everybody like you have X-Ray vision or something. Wow.
I gotta put more effort into being a good friend to my real friends, huh?
Thanks for the reality check dude,
-T
You are the biggest weirdo ever. You compulsively talk about boring crap you love regardless of audience interest, you dress like you have fashion turrets syndrome, and you obviously feel self-conscious in my social circle. You're out of your depth here. We have really grown apart.
Yet you still accept me as I am. You still would take a bullet for me, still call me on my bullshit, and still see through everybody like you have X-Ray vision or something. Wow.
I gotta put more effort into being a good friend to my real friends, huh?
Thanks for the reality check dude,
-T
Dear person that wasn't really ever my boyfriend:
Ok, so I know that we have both moved on and have other significant others and everything, but like, we hooked up off and on for two and a half years. Why on EARTH do you refuse to acknowledge my existence!?! WTF. I know that if we were friends and understood why we stopped hooking up in the first place then I would stop having dreams about you and wouldn't have to feel guilty around my boyfriend about maybe liking you. Because I don't, I know I don't, but I did like you a lot, and I wondered why we never got together because I thought you liked me too. And ok, I know you make $4 million dollars a year to play a game...but if you think I only want to talk to you because you're a pro athlete you're also retarded. We were a thing back in the day before all that, so basically I'm like your ghetto girl and knew you before the money and the glamor and you know I don't give a shit about that. I just want to be friends.
The thing is, I really really liked you, and it makes me sad that you don't even answer my myspace messages, so...if you could please like, not ignore me, that would be wonderful.
K thanks,
Gretzkina
Ok, so I know that we have both moved on and have other significant others and everything, but like, we hooked up off and on for two and a half years. Why on EARTH do you refuse to acknowledge my existence!?! WTF. I know that if we were friends and understood why we stopped hooking up in the first place then I would stop having dreams about you and wouldn't have to feel guilty around my boyfriend about maybe liking you. Because I don't, I know I don't, but I did like you a lot, and I wondered why we never got together because I thought you liked me too. And ok, I know you make $4 million dollars a year to play a game...but if you think I only want to talk to you because you're a pro athlete you're also retarded. We were a thing back in the day before all that, so basically I'm like your ghetto girl and knew you before the money and the glamor and you know I don't give a shit about that. I just want to be friends.
The thing is, I really really liked you, and it makes me sad that you don't even answer my myspace messages, so...if you could please like, not ignore me, that would be wonderful.
K thanks,
Gretzkina
Dear World,
I just want to let you know that today, I am in the most horribly volatile mood I’ve ever been in my entire life. Seriously, anyone who even looks at me funny, or just makes me think that they are looking at me funny, is going to get a whole lot of bitchiness and attitude from me, so just be aware of that and stay the hell away from me. I’m serious, do not bother me for anything, not even emergencies. I will rip your face off and scream with the fury of a thousand banshees. Dear god, I need to punch everything right now. So foul.
Irma
I just want to let you know that today, I am in the most horribly volatile mood I’ve ever been in my entire life. Seriously, anyone who even looks at me funny, or just makes me think that they are looking at me funny, is going to get a whole lot of bitchiness and attitude from me, so just be aware of that and stay the hell away from me. I’m serious, do not bother me for anything, not even emergencies. I will rip your face off and scream with the fury of a thousand banshees. Dear god, I need to punch everything right now. So foul.
Irma
Dear Ex Co-Worker and Ex 'Supervisor',
Though I thought I would never say this, I think it's about time. Thank you. Thank you for causing me so much stress that I developed TMJ from grinding my teeth. Thank you for causing me to develop IBS and heart palpitations. Thank you for causing my depression to relapse and to develop an anxiety disorder in addition. Thank you for being a bunch of malicious, back-stabbing, soul-sucking bitches. Because, if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have gotten fed up after one of your hypocritical emails, and quit. I would still be there, teeth worn down to nubs, shitting into a bag and going into heart failure. I would be a poor dresser, have bad skin, and wear ugly shoes.
So thank you for forcing me to quit. I look better, feel better and above all, I am better. Than you. Period.
Na na na boo boo,
Lx.
Though I thought I would never say this, I think it's about time. Thank you. Thank you for causing me so much stress that I developed TMJ from grinding my teeth. Thank you for causing me to develop IBS and heart palpitations. Thank you for causing my depression to relapse and to develop an anxiety disorder in addition. Thank you for being a bunch of malicious, back-stabbing, soul-sucking bitches. Because, if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have gotten fed up after one of your hypocritical emails, and quit. I would still be there, teeth worn down to nubs, shitting into a bag and going into heart failure. I would be a poor dresser, have bad skin, and wear ugly shoes.
So thank you for forcing me to quit. I look better, feel better and above all, I am better. Than you. Period.
Na na na boo boo,
Lx.
Dear Physics-102 Professor,
I rarely say this to anyone that I've met in real life, but I hate you with an undying, fiery, all-consuming passion. Why? It's simple really. You, sir, are making me take a midterm the day after Halloween. At 8 a.m. Therefore, it is not humanly possible for me to enjoy this most sacred of holidays the way I should be: drunk and dressed like a two-cent hooker. Instead, I'm sitting here alone in my room, doing practice problems and going over old exams. No costume, no candy, no cocktails. I mean, you're pretty much like the Grinch that stole Halloween for everyone in your 200-person lecture class.
I have an equation for you, douchelord:
How pissed I am right now
---------------------------------------------- = I'm going to ruin your favorite holiday.
How hard this test is gonna be
Phuck Physics,
D.Clare
I rarely say this to anyone that I've met in real life, but I hate you with an undying, fiery, all-consuming passion. Why? It's simple really. You, sir, are making me take a midterm the day after Halloween. At 8 a.m. Therefore, it is not humanly possible for me to enjoy this most sacred of holidays the way I should be: drunk and dressed like a two-cent hooker. Instead, I'm sitting here alone in my room, doing practice problems and going over old exams. No costume, no candy, no cocktails. I mean, you're pretty much like the Grinch that stole Halloween for everyone in your 200-person lecture class.
I have an equation for you, douchelord:
How pissed I am right now
---------------------------------------------- = I'm going to ruin your favorite holiday.
How hard this test is gonna be
Phuck Physics,
D.Clare
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