Dear Life,
Why is it only possible for me to work on something when the burden of the deadline gets just strong enough to qualify me in the "pretty much screwed" zone? For instance, why can I only bring myself to start working on a project when everyone else is tucking themselves into bed? Am I an owl? Why must I make sure the living world is completely asleep and I am missing out on NOTHING to be productive? Oh right, because I use socialization as an outlet to avoid all responsibility. Cool.
A
Why is it only possible for me to work on something when the burden of the deadline gets just strong enough to qualify me in the "pretty much screwed" zone? For instance, why can I only bring myself to start working on a project when everyone else is tucking themselves into bed? Am I an owl? Why must I make sure the living world is completely asleep and I am missing out on NOTHING to be productive? Oh right, because I use socialization as an outlet to avoid all responsibility. Cool.
A
Dear Last Night's Date:
Oh Jesus. You really like me. Like, a lot. I even told you that I'm swearing off men for all of November and you seemed willing to wait it out. This is very bad. You seem really nice and I don't want to hurt you, but I'm just not that into you. I appreciate that you're not playing games, but I can't deal with dating right now and your enthusiasm makes me want to run very far very fast. I don't do commitment and I don't really want to do you. Please don't make me say that to you and just get the hint over this next month.
I'm sorry I kissed you, though. That was probably very mixed-signally of me.
Please don't make me add to your baggage,
b
Oh Jesus. You really like me. Like, a lot. I even told you that I'm swearing off men for all of November and you seemed willing to wait it out. This is very bad. You seem really nice and I don't want to hurt you, but I'm just not that into you. I appreciate that you're not playing games, but I can't deal with dating right now and your enthusiasm makes me want to run very far very fast. I don't do commitment and I don't really want to do you. Please don't make me say that to you and just get the hint over this next month.
I'm sorry I kissed you, though. That was probably very mixed-signally of me.
Please don't make me add to your baggage,
b
Dear Best Friend,
I am so thankful for you. Sure, we are at completely different places in our lives. You are pregnant with your second child, and I am still trying to figure out how people have fun without alcohol. The point is, you say the harshest things to me that anyone has ever said. You are raw and completely honest with me. You call me out constantly. I don't even mind. In fact, I welcome it. Yes, you've said some mean shit to me in the past 8 years, but I feel like you've earned the right. You've been there for me through thick and thin and I can honestly say you never criticize me without my best interest in mind. If I'm acting like a selfish bitch (happens often) you tell me without hesitation. You do it because you love me. You know how I know? Because you hurt with me when I hurt. You cry for me when I cry. That is something very special and not a lot of people have that. You are my person. I don't care that you think my shirt is ugly and make a point of telling me so. I love you and you love me and sometimes I need the honesty. I'm so lucky to have you.
Always,
A
I am so thankful for you. Sure, we are at completely different places in our lives. You are pregnant with your second child, and I am still trying to figure out how people have fun without alcohol. The point is, you say the harshest things to me that anyone has ever said. You are raw and completely honest with me. You call me out constantly. I don't even mind. In fact, I welcome it. Yes, you've said some mean shit to me in the past 8 years, but I feel like you've earned the right. You've been there for me through thick and thin and I can honestly say you never criticize me without my best interest in mind. If I'm acting like a selfish bitch (happens often) you tell me without hesitation. You do it because you love me. You know how I know? Because you hurt with me when I hurt. You cry for me when I cry. That is something very special and not a lot of people have that. You are my person. I don't care that you think my shirt is ugly and make a point of telling me so. I love you and you love me and sometimes I need the honesty. I'm so lucky to have you.
Always,
A
Dear Hot Cop that I didn't see on All Hallows Eve Night but saw pictures of slash your real name is Adrienne,
You looked bangin'. I wish I was that hot. Please for the sanity of the both of us, let your hormones take over you and get some ass with that hot bod.
you better have that whip next time I see you,
Tink
:)
You looked bangin'. I wish I was that hot. Please for the sanity of the both of us, let your hormones take over you and get some ass with that hot bod.
you better have that whip next time I see you,
Tink
:)
Dear You,
Alright. So, if I was able to cheat and lie and be a total bitch.. Why am I upset that you just dumped me? Why is that? I wanna like, drive off of a bridge. I mean, I really, really, really, really did like you. A lot, a lot, a lot. And then, I fucked everything all up. Now here I am.. All upset and near tears. Wondering where my cool ass attitude from before went. God damnit. My awesome "Fuck yeah! I'm young! I don't give a shit about shit!" attitude. Cause really. I'm not that young and I give a shit. About you, at least. Come on. Am I supposed to beg? And plead? Oh please, let me try again. Let's start over from the beginning where we were cute and I was reallllllly into you. And you were really into me. And, I wasted 1/8 tank of gas every single day to just see you. Come on. Let's just do that again. Please? Cause I really am sorry. And, I really do like you. I don't wanna feel like this. It's Saturday night, I should be hanging out with you.. and kissing you. And hugging you.
I'll beg and plead some more if I have to,
Me
Alright. So, if I was able to cheat and lie and be a total bitch.. Why am I upset that you just dumped me? Why is that? I wanna like, drive off of a bridge. I mean, I really, really, really, really did like you. A lot, a lot, a lot. And then, I fucked everything all up. Now here I am.. All upset and near tears. Wondering where my cool ass attitude from before went. God damnit. My awesome "Fuck yeah! I'm young! I don't give a shit about shit!" attitude. Cause really. I'm not that young and I give a shit. About you, at least. Come on. Am I supposed to beg? And plead? Oh please, let me try again. Let's start over from the beginning where we were cute and I was reallllllly into you. And you were really into me. And, I wasted 1/8 tank of gas every single day to just see you. Come on. Let's just do that again. Please? Cause I really am sorry. And, I really do like you. I don't wanna feel like this. It's Saturday night, I should be hanging out with you.. and kissing you. And hugging you.
I'll beg and plead some more if I have to,
Me
Dear 14 Yr Old Boy Who Sat Next To Me At The Movies,
I knew you were a fat pig when i was watching you walk into the cinema sucking on your giant coke and digging your face into that giant box on popcorn while you were trying to find a seat all at the same time, but never did i think you would sit that big ass of yours next to me. So seeing as you did sit next to me here a few rules when you go to the movies:
1) When you purchase an extra large coke and popcorn wait until you sit down until you consume them.
2))DO NOT pick up popcorn with your tongue ewww.
3) Learn how to chew with your mouth closed.
4) NEVER have a sip of your coke and wash it around your mouth like your brushing your teeth.
5) If there is no sound in the cinema DO NOT rummage your hands around the box trying to get the biggest handful of popcorn you think you can fit in your mouth.
6) Once you have finished dont ever crack your neck, knuckles, ank'es, knees or any other bone in your body especially when you are less then an arms length away from me.
The list is endless Thank you for ruining the movie for me. Get some fucking manners.
Hating you forever,
CPD
I knew you were a fat pig when i was watching you walk into the cinema sucking on your giant coke and digging your face into that giant box on popcorn while you were trying to find a seat all at the same time, but never did i think you would sit that big ass of yours next to me. So seeing as you did sit next to me here a few rules when you go to the movies:
1) When you purchase an extra large coke and popcorn wait until you sit down until you consume them.
2))DO NOT pick up popcorn with your tongue ewww.
3) Learn how to chew with your mouth closed.
4) NEVER have a sip of your coke and wash it around your mouth like your brushing your teeth.
5) If there is no sound in the cinema DO NOT rummage your hands around the box trying to get the biggest handful of popcorn you think you can fit in your mouth.
6) Once you have finished dont ever crack your neck, knuckles, ank'es, knees or any other bone in your body especially when you are less then an arms length away from me.
The list is endless Thank you for ruining the movie for me. Get some fucking manners.
Hating you forever,
CPD
Dear 5K Walkers,
We're all impressed with your massive endeavor. I'm not trying to sell you short, but the least you can do is start with your fellow walkers. You don't belong with the runners. DO NOT line up with me only to start the first 15 meters of the race at a leisurely pace leaving me weaving behind you and your gang desperately trying to get through so I can add a slight bounce to my step freely. By no means are you doing 9 minute miles, so you're not fooling anyone by trying to line up in this coral. In the future, please report your butt back to the group several hundreds of people back with the other jazzercisers and people with strollers.
See, I know I'm not a fast runner. You don't see me lining up with the Kenyans. I'm honest with myself. I try to approximate where I will fit best and casually place myself within those lines. You should learn to do the same. What you were trying to pull is like Paris Hilton applying to Yale.
I'm sorry, I know we were all in this for a good cause, but I wanted to kick and punch you today when I couldn't even jog for the first minute past the start line because you were clogging the road.
A
We're all impressed with your massive endeavor. I'm not trying to sell you short, but the least you can do is start with your fellow walkers. You don't belong with the runners. DO NOT line up with me only to start the first 15 meters of the race at a leisurely pace leaving me weaving behind you and your gang desperately trying to get through so I can add a slight bounce to my step freely. By no means are you doing 9 minute miles, so you're not fooling anyone by trying to line up in this coral. In the future, please report your butt back to the group several hundreds of people back with the other jazzercisers and people with strollers.
See, I know I'm not a fast runner. You don't see me lining up with the Kenyans. I'm honest with myself. I try to approximate where I will fit best and casually place myself within those lines. You should learn to do the same. What you were trying to pull is like Paris Hilton applying to Yale.
I'm sorry, I know we were all in this for a good cause, but I wanted to kick and punch you today when I couldn't even jog for the first minute past the start line because you were clogging the road.
A
Dear new Japanese dollar store at the mall,
While I am admittedly a fan of your various and sundry sparkly powders and unintentionally hilarious Engrish stationary items, and I even tolerate the phalanx of security and relentless onslaught of perky J-pop tunes from your in-house satellite radio, not even your vast array of soon-to-break cooking gadgets, sushi plates and kitschy Nipponalia (?) can change one simple fact. When you sell a bag of "cola-lemon candy", it should not contain separately packaged lemon and cola candies. Jamming two candies in the mouth to achieve the flavour combination so tantalizingly promised in one candy on the packaging is not only unacceptable and unsightly, frankly, it degrades us all.
Wishing I'd gone for the sparkly powder instead,
RG
While I am admittedly a fan of your various and sundry sparkly powders and unintentionally hilarious Engrish stationary items, and I even tolerate the phalanx of security and relentless onslaught of perky J-pop tunes from your in-house satellite radio, not even your vast array of soon-to-break cooking gadgets, sushi plates and kitschy Nipponalia (?) can change one simple fact. When you sell a bag of "cola-lemon candy", it should not contain separately packaged lemon and cola candies. Jamming two candies in the mouth to achieve the flavour combination so tantalizingly promised in one candy on the packaging is not only unacceptable and unsightly, frankly, it degrades us all.
Wishing I'd gone for the sparkly powder instead,
RG
Dear homeless junkie rando,
Thanks for sicking me out on my way to the carnival of sparkly eyeshadows and charming Engrish stationary goods that is the Japanese dollar store. I don't know in what universe it's become okay to just plonk yourself down on a bench at the mall and start picking your scabs, but seriously, dude, I can't even imagine that's totally koshe in the homeless junkie rando community. Totally effing repuggo.
Security must have agreed, because you were gone when I came back out,
RG
Thanks for sicking me out on my way to the carnival of sparkly eyeshadows and charming Engrish stationary goods that is the Japanese dollar store. I don't know in what universe it's become okay to just plonk yourself down on a bench at the mall and start picking your scabs, but seriously, dude, I can't even imagine that's totally koshe in the homeless junkie rando community. Totally effing repuggo.
Security must have agreed, because you were gone when I came back out,
RG
Dear Ex Boyfriend,
I am so happy I broke up with you. Half because you really really suck and that is becoming more and more apparent every single day. But half because I genuinely hated your friends and I think of the whole 9 months we were together only had fun once with them, and that's because I spent the whole night in a corner receiving pictures of my ex before you's dong in an attempt for me to leave that party and go hook up with him. (He was bigger, and better than you) So it makes me happy every single time you come to town (since you graduated TWO YEARS AGO but still come back to visit all the time...GET OVER IT), because I remember those days when we then had to go hang out with your friends and I always had a miserable time. And I'm gleeful that I will spend the whole weekend doing whatever the fuck I want (including ex ex boyfriend's huge peen) instead of miserably watching your lame friends play guitar hero.
Visit anytime,
Homegirl.
I am so happy I broke up with you. Half because you really really suck and that is becoming more and more apparent every single day. But half because I genuinely hated your friends and I think of the whole 9 months we were together only had fun once with them, and that's because I spent the whole night in a corner receiving pictures of my ex before you's dong in an attempt for me to leave that party and go hook up with him. (He was bigger, and better than you) So it makes me happy every single time you come to town (since you graduated TWO YEARS AGO but still come back to visit all the time...GET OVER IT), because I remember those days when we then had to go hang out with your friends and I always had a miserable time. And I'm gleeful that I will spend the whole weekend doing whatever the fuck I want (including ex ex boyfriend's huge peen) instead of miserably watching your lame friends play guitar hero.
Visit anytime,
Homegirl.
Dear ----------------,
I don't give a flying FUCK anymore. So, I fucked up. WHO CARES? I'm young and living my life, baby. Maybe you should try it. Instead of being a complete pussy. And kind of a liar. And such. Yeah. Maybe I shouldn't be talking cause I did you 'dirty', but like I said.. I don't give a fuck. Fuck regrets. I don't have 'em anymore. Everything I should 'regret', I don't. Cause I had a fantastic fucking time doing all of them. I don't even think fantastic is the right word. Phenomenal? Yeah. Probably that. Phenomenal. Why don't you try doing that? Instead of being wrapped up in a relationship 24/7. Have a fucking blast. Get wasted. Be ridiculous. I do. Often. And I love every minute of it.
Relieved,
------------------
I don't give a flying FUCK anymore. So, I fucked up. WHO CARES? I'm young and living my life, baby. Maybe you should try it. Instead of being a complete pussy. And kind of a liar. And such. Yeah. Maybe I shouldn't be talking cause I did you 'dirty', but like I said.. I don't give a fuck. Fuck regrets. I don't have 'em anymore. Everything I should 'regret', I don't. Cause I had a fantastic fucking time doing all of them. I don't even think fantastic is the right word. Phenomenal? Yeah. Probably that. Phenomenal. Why don't you try doing that? Instead of being wrapped up in a relationship 24/7. Have a fucking blast. Get wasted. Be ridiculous. I do. Often. And I love every minute of it.
Relieved,
------------------
Um, this is why I love my blog.
Dear guy who slept over last night and couldnt get hard so he felt like he needed to redeem himself by masturbating in my bed for 45 minutes this morning saying "its going to happen!" while I watched Barefoot Contessa on my couch and tried not to stare in horror until he finally left,
SERIOUSLY!!! Holy shit, are you even a human?
Boiling my sheets in acid,
F
Dear guy who slept over last night and couldnt get hard so he felt like he needed to redeem himself by masturbating in my bed for 45 minutes this morning saying "its going to happen!" while I watched Barefoot Contessa on my couch and tried not to stare in horror until he finally left,
SERIOUSLY!!! Holy shit, are you even a human?
Boiling my sheets in acid,
F
Dear Dad,
When I tell you there is nothing in the refrigerator and get pissed because I'm starving, don't respond with "There's a tomato in here. You can eat that!". I'm 23. In the 23 years you've known me I've hated tomatoes all along. This has not changed.
Love,
A
P.S. And I still hate peppers, mayo, and pickles too.
When I tell you there is nothing in the refrigerator and get pissed because I'm starving, don't respond with "There's a tomato in here. You can eat that!". I'm 23. In the 23 years you've known me I've hated tomatoes all along. This has not changed.
Love,
A
P.S. And I still hate peppers, mayo, and pickles too.
Dear Motivation To Exercise,
Where did you go? I miss you so much, and so do my fastly-expanding thighs. You were still here a few weeks ago, even though my schedule became too crowded for the gym. Ok, that's not COMPLETELY true--there were a couple of hours that I spent watching TV every night that I could have been exercising, but damn a girl has to relax a little, right? Anyway, its the weekend now and I have 2 full, glorious days without any obligations, so how bout you come back just for a few hours so I can go to the gym and have a really good workout and feel better about the spare tire that is developing around my mid section? Listen, I know we never had a very good relationship, and you were always kind of trying to leave me, but I managed to hang on to you for months at a time, here and there, so why don't you just come back to me so we can try again. Hey if you come back, maybe I'll even get Self-Control to come back so I can stop stuffing my face with candy bars all day at work! Think of the good times the three of us had together, and how hot and thin I was. Its only been a few weeks--we can salvage this. Together.
You know where to find me, (on the couch with a fistful of chocolate),
Irma
Where did you go? I miss you so much, and so do my fastly-expanding thighs. You were still here a few weeks ago, even though my schedule became too crowded for the gym. Ok, that's not COMPLETELY true--there were a couple of hours that I spent watching TV every night that I could have been exercising, but damn a girl has to relax a little, right? Anyway, its the weekend now and I have 2 full, glorious days without any obligations, so how bout you come back just for a few hours so I can go to the gym and have a really good workout and feel better about the spare tire that is developing around my mid section? Listen, I know we never had a very good relationship, and you were always kind of trying to leave me, but I managed to hang on to you for months at a time, here and there, so why don't you just come back to me so we can try again. Hey if you come back, maybe I'll even get Self-Control to come back so I can stop stuffing my face with candy bars all day at work! Think of the good times the three of us had together, and how hot and thin I was. Its only been a few weeks--we can salvage this. Together.
You know where to find me, (on the couch with a fistful of chocolate),
Irma
Dear Oxycodine,
I know I stole you from my grandpa. And, when I looked you up on Wikipedia it said you are for moderate to severe Cancer pain. And this should probably make me think twice or three times about stealiing you but.. he's in remission.. sooo, that means he won't miss ONE pill. Right? Because, the way you numbed me allllllllll night and made my dreams super active and always about being numb and feeling nothing was awesome. Super numb all night. Terrific. So numb I was tingling. Numb. Numb. Numb. And, I really need numb. Since my boyfriend says we can still be together but then he's got "I love you's" from ex-girlfriends in his comments.. and supposedly wants to re-hook up with an ex-fling.. and is a sarcastic bastard 24/7 to me. Yeah, numb felt great. I could be that numb 24/7. If he's got 5 of you left, I shouldn't steal another one of you for today, right? Cause, I kinda liked you a lot.
Waiting for the refill to happen realllll soon and hoping maybe I can find my Tylenol with Codeine for the meantime,
C
I know I stole you from my grandpa. And, when I looked you up on Wikipedia it said you are for moderate to severe Cancer pain. And this should probably make me think twice or three times about stealiing you but.. he's in remission.. sooo, that means he won't miss ONE pill. Right? Because, the way you numbed me allllllllll night and made my dreams super active and always about being numb and feeling nothing was awesome. Super numb all night. Terrific. So numb I was tingling. Numb. Numb. Numb. And, I really need numb. Since my boyfriend says we can still be together but then he's got "I love you's" from ex-girlfriends in his comments.. and supposedly wants to re-hook up with an ex-fling.. and is a sarcastic bastard 24/7 to me. Yeah, numb felt great. I could be that numb 24/7. If he's got 5 of you left, I shouldn't steal another one of you for today, right? Cause, I kinda liked you a lot.
Waiting for the refill to happen realllll soon and hoping maybe I can find my Tylenol with Codeine for the meantime,
C
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