Thank you for making my morning bus commute a little less horrible considering I am beginning my week on a Friday.
Love,
cjm
Dear New Kids on the Block radio (a la Pandora)
Thank you for making my morning bus commute a little less horrible considering I am beginning my week on a Friday.
Love,
cjm
dear job,
I felt vaguely guilty today as I spent the entire morning taking care of my personal email and researching other job opportunities. I also felt a little guilty leaving right at 5pm as the over-achievers were just warming up. I'm conflicted. A part of me really wants to quit my job and wander around the world. Another part of me wants to move to NYC and have the time of my life (this is the latest fixation). A third part of me wants to stay put because it's comfortable and I'm lazy. Another part of me wants to move back to my hometown so I can be closer to my family, not the part of me that wants to get the hell out of dodge after a week of being around them.
I feel a little bit like this is my life and it's ending one minute at a time and I am too codependent and comfortable to do anything about it. What happened to courage? I don't want to be a space monkey any longer. I think our strategy is stupid and I'm spending my time with my head buried in spreadsheets substantiating projects I don't even agree with.... dealing with unmanageable people with unreasonable expectations... oh wait, that's me.
C
stop creeping on my friends
Dear guy-
You're just out of a serious intense 5 year relationship that didn't
work out and you were heartbroken. I was there because it was like..
a month ago. So as much as I understand that you need to "move on"
and what not- can it not be with all my girlfriends? At first I was
like ohh fun. And I told my friends you're cool. But then I
remember you're probably not ready for a relationship. My friends
really like you and that would be fine if you were interested in them
for more than sex. However you aren't and it's pathetic that you
pretend. You slept with one and after a few times just stopped
calling her. Really? Then she comes to me like, "What happened?"
And now you're after my other friend. Just a warning to you, I'm
warning her this time!! Get your kicks off someone else's friends or
better yet keep your D in your pants and figure out your life.
My friends are not "those type" of girls!
~LaDiva~
You're just out of a serious intense 5 year relationship that didn't
work out and you were heartbroken. I was there because it was like..
a month ago. So as much as I understand that you need to "move on"
and what not- can it not be with all my girlfriends? At first I was
like ohh fun. And I told my friends you're cool. But then I
remember you're probably not ready for a relationship. My friends
really like you and that would be fine if you were interested in them
for more than sex. However you aren't and it's pathetic that you
pretend. You slept with one and after a few times just stopped
calling her. Really? Then she comes to me like, "What happened?"
And now you're after my other friend. Just a warning to you, I'm
warning her this time!! Get your kicks off someone else's friends or
better yet keep your D in your pants and figure out your life.
My friends are not "those type" of girls!
~LaDiva~
Dear Fat BIOTCH at work,
In order to lose weight you have to actually go to the gym.....eating nasty smelling nustrisystem meals is clearly not working so why don't you try actually working out for once!! Also, you seriously took a week off of work because you were gettign a new cat?!?!?! And nooooo i did not want to see 30 pictures of said cat....ugh! You might as well sew up your vajay-jay.
Do you not want to get laid EVER?!?!,
D
your voicemail
Dear Cubicle Neighbor,
I don't want to hear your voicemail. I don't think anybody else here does, either. I'm not sure why you feel the need to check it on speaker phone, but when you do, it makes me want to jump over the wall we share and punch you in the face.
Twice.
Cool?
Cool.
-ML
I don't want to hear your voicemail. I don't think anybody else here does, either. I'm not sure why you feel the need to check it on speaker phone, but when you do, it makes me want to jump over the wall we share and punch you in the face.
Twice.
Cool?
Cool.
-ML
dear banana bread oatmeal,
WORST. FLAVOR. EVER.
just because i want high fiber oatmeal instead of sugar-laden carbohydrate death does NOT mean that i want YOU to replace apples and cinnamon in the multipack of 3 flavors! maple brown sugar, cinnamon spice, and banana asshole: one of these things is NOT like the others. no amount of office non-dairy creamer can repair this catastrophe. i am sad. never enter my mouth ever again. (twss)
with sadness and a pukey face,
-c
Dear Former F-Buddy,
You and I have been on again/off again for the better part of a year and I accepted a long time ago that we'd never be a real couple. I tried to just be your hookup buddy, but my damn hormones keep overriding my brain and I always end up thinking about you, so I finally stopped seeing you. And now here you are, calling again, trying to get back on me. Now look, don't get me wrong; I am very flattered at your renewed interest in my vagina. And I swear, all i want to do is come over to your place and let you cook me some dinner and then pleasure me all night. Don't you think I want that?? But you have to understand that my vagina and I are partners--we have to make these kinds of decisions together. She has already given you far too many chances without even consulting me--well this time, I am not letting her take over! I'm sorry, but we cannot see you. You are too hot, your dick is too perfect, your lifestyle as a musician is too exciting and you are way too good at sex to ever settle down in a relationship or be exclusive with me.... but if I let my vagina even into the same room as you, neither of us stand a chance. So I just have to walk away... I'm sorry.
You will always hold a special place in my vagina and in my masturbatory fantasies,
Irma
You will always hold a special place in my vagina and in my masturbatory fantasies,
Irma
Austin City Limits
Dear Austin City Limits Music Festival,
You were fucking awesome. I loved the music, the weather, the USC Gamecocks beating Alabama, and my VIP tickets that granted me free booze, food, and shade whenever I wanted.
Also, Torchy's Tacos is the shit.
Forever yours,
Paul
Dear Lucy Van Pelt:
Dear Lucy Van Pelt of Peanuts:
Are you the evil genius behind Dear Life? Here's why I think, "Maybe."
Every autumn you hold the football for Charlie Brown to kick. And every year...sucker that he is...he thinks that this time, FOR REALS, you'll actually let him kick it. But then you yank the ball away and he sails ass-over-teakettle into "AAAUGH" inducing wipeout.
You SAY that dearlifeblog is back and you'll post the posts if they're tres awesome, but...are you for reals? Or are we getting Charlie Brown clowned?
Hopeful that "A" does not equal "L",
-T
Are you the evil genius behind Dear Life? Here's why I think, "Maybe."
Every autumn you hold the football for Charlie Brown to kick. And every year...sucker that he is...he thinks that this time, FOR REALS, you'll actually let him kick it. But then you yank the ball away and he sails ass-over-teakettle into "AAAUGH" inducing wipeout.
You SAY that dearlifeblog is back and you'll post the posts if they're tres awesome, but...are you for reals? Or are we getting Charlie Brown clowned?
Hopeful that "A" does not equal "L",
-T
N
N,
I really care about you. Really really. Do you know how hard it is for me to just NOT sleep with the cute guys that have been throwing themselves at me lately? First B and then S, it's as if as soon as my heart went out to you, their dicks came out to me. Nevertheless, nothing has happened with anyone…not even you! I know this long distance thing sucks, and I know you and I have had the "boyfriends" talk and that we're on the same page about that. But I need something from you, I need you to kiss me and dick me because if you won't… they will
With love,
K
dear life post :)
dear this weekend,
best. shitshow. ever.
spent friday barhopping, aka chasing delicious men from the film school all over town and ending at the nicest condo apt i've ever seen in my life. slept on creepiest twin size mattress EVER with the least cute of the film schoolers because i probably could have grown another head before i could have operated a vehicle. that was a fail.
spent all day saturday walking and bike riding in the gorgeous fall weather, then went out for a friend's 21st birthday. defended birthday girl's wasted roommate from a very wet girl that she had thrown 2 drinks on for no reason. TWO. i mean, you can possibly get a pass for the first drink if you literally can't stand up. but second drink? notttt really an excuse for that. as wet girl and her friends are tracking wasted roommate into the bathroom to fight her as she lays on the floor vomiting, i was sober enough to recognize the irony when the bathroom attendant turned to me and said "can i talk to you outside? you seem like you're coherent enough to help me with this situation." first and last time for THAT sentence in my life.
anyway, puke girl goes home (with the help of the bouncers, enlisted BY ME-- WHO IS THIS RESPONSIBLE ADULT AND WHY IS SHE USING MY BODY), the bar starts offering dollar shots to celebrate our football team completely murdering ass on a horrible rival team. get text message for booty call from old/quickly becoming current f-buddy (we'll call him a). responded VERY enthusiastically. drive to his apartment and toddle in my stripper heels across the complex-- not the best idea, in retrospect-- and have the following conversation with a very thugged out individual in a caddy:
Thugged Out Individual: "ay, girl!"
c: "hiii"
TOI: "whatchu doin? you look gooood. come with us."
c: "uh, no. sorry. i'm going to my boyfriend's house."
TOI: "nah, forget about him. i'll eat that p***y!"
c: "no... thanks?"
TOI shakes his head and drives off muttering about how i should forget about my boyfriend. i am laughing so hard i can't stand up straight. upon arrival, inform A that he had better do a good job, because i passed up a golden opportunity for cunnilingus from a gang member in the parking lot. (he did, by the way. do a good job that is.)
i'm off to stalk all of my old dear life posts and maybe do homework... just kidding about that last part. may all of your weeks be filled with random guys offering to go down on you! SO glad dear life is back.
i'm off to stalk all of my old dear life posts and maybe do homework... just kidding about that last part. may all of your weeks be filled with random guys offering to go down on you! SO glad dear life is back.
-c
Dear Life is back + needs your help!
Dear Lifers past and present,
This is C checking in with some exciting news -- Dear Life is back. I'm reaching out to you because at one point or another, you submitted a post. We'd like your help in bringing Dear Life back to life.
What happened?
I had sushi with A last week and we were lamenting the death of the blog. With A's busy schedule entering the real world updating the blog as frequently became a challenge. The posts stopped rolling in and a vicious spiral ensued.
Why bring it back?
Many of us have felt like there's something missing without Dear Life around. Recently I (and others) have been rediscovering the posts we submitted two or three years ago and reliving the forgotten hysterical, unbelievable, and yes, sometimes embarrassing and painful moments.
What can I do to help?
The #1 thing you can do is submit a quality post. To make this easier, we've enabled autoposting. Send your post to dearlifeblog.posting@blogger.com and it will get automatically published.
What else can I do?
Bookmark the page
Tell your friends.
Post about it on your blog.
Link to Dear Life
Give us feedback on the new layout and ideas for improvement.
Thanks for your help. Lets bring this community back to life. Now, come on and send a post in and let's kick this thing off: dearlifeblog.posting@blogger.com
Love, C
Dear A,
I'm so thankful for this blog. I took about a year and a half off and just re-discovered you. I decided to re-read each of my posts and I practically re-lived my crazy life pre serious bf and pre law school. I'm still in law school, but the serious bf is out the window. I'm wondering if my re-discovery of this gift from God will help me to fall back into my past life of lots of fun and lots of boys (minus the time I hit that guy with my car and sans the scabies incident)?
I seriously hope we can find a way to get this blog going again so it can re-claim itself as my daily guilty pleasure (that amongst other things)!
A girl can only hope,
Em
I'm so thankful for this blog. I took about a year and a half off and just re-discovered you. I decided to re-read each of my posts and I practically re-lived my crazy life pre serious bf and pre law school. I'm still in law school, but the serious bf is out the window. I'm wondering if my re-discovery of this gift from God will help me to fall back into my past life of lots of fun and lots of boys (minus the time I hit that guy with my car and sans the scabies incident)?
I seriously hope we can find a way to get this blog going again so it can re-claim itself as my daily guilty pleasure (that amongst other things)!
A girl can only hope,
Em
Dear internship,
I really like you a lot. You're the perfect blend of doing shit, and
checking facebook/twitter/blogs. Plus some cute boys work here! The
only thing is... you're giving me an alcohol problem. That's right.
Free Beer Friday was one of the reasons I wanted to work here. But
really beer/wine every Friday starting at 3:30 only makes it difficult
for me to consider driving home at 5. Furthermore, celebrations of
new clients with champagne, margaritas and tequila are great. But...
it really seems multiple days a week I'm drinking at work. Not to
mention post-work happy hours which happen basically everyday since we
work downtown. I used to exercise after work. Now I drink. Should
I avoid the temptations or just enjoy the free alchy since you're
paying me shit?
Lushly,
~LaDiva~
I really like you a lot. You're the perfect blend of doing shit, and
checking facebook/twitter/blogs. Plus some cute boys work here! The
only thing is... you're giving me an alcohol problem. That's right.
Free Beer Friday was one of the reasons I wanted to work here. But
really beer/wine every Friday starting at 3:30 only makes it difficult
for me to consider driving home at 5. Furthermore, celebrations of
new clients with champagne, margaritas and tequila are great. But...
it really seems multiple days a week I'm drinking at work. Not to
mention post-work happy hours which happen basically everyday since we
work downtown. I used to exercise after work. Now I drink. Should
I avoid the temptations or just enjoy the free alchy since you're
paying me shit?
Lushly,
~LaDiva~
Dear Red Polka Dot Dress,
You have been dancing past my office all day. I can't help but take notice of how very bright, and loosely fitting you are. I can only imagine how you got here today. I'm sure it started with the simple question - What to wear? Why of course … the velvet polka dot dress I have been hiding away!!! You have been quite distracting this afternoon, yet a saving grace.
The heavy-set women you so graciously adorn is simply radiating in your velour-ious fabric. I must give you credit for concealing the extra rolls of frumpy fat, typically navigating the halls. I commend you for providing full coverage of the expansive FUPA prominently boomeranging around. Hallelujah!I didn't know she owed something so practical that was capable of augmenting her perfect human sphere, equal in width and height. I thought I would never meet you.
Although I didn't know velvet was back in style? In fact, I don't recall a velvet fad at all. You are truly velour-ious and mystifying. You keep rockin’ those blue and red polka dots. And even though people may frequently ridicule you or become fixated on your antiquated style, and even alienate you because of your unusual elegance, don’t feel badly! You are truly a victim of societies’ naïveté. The full coverage you provide is uncommon, and even wickedly illustrious. You are an artist and a bandage for the fupa phenomenon; common with men and women so afflicted by the over consumption of Big Mac’s and Milkshakes, a sad result of our fast food nation. Your Fupandectomy should be honored. You are a force to be reckoned with and a dignified vision. It's not every day I can say I haven't been fupafied by your occupant. I hope to see you tomorrow and the next day, please also invite friends.
Sincerely,
C
You have been dancing past my office all day. I can't help but take notice of how very bright, and loosely fitting you are. I can only imagine how you got here today. I'm sure it started with the simple question - What to wear? Why of course … the velvet polka dot dress I have been hiding away!!! You have been quite distracting this afternoon, yet a saving grace.
The heavy-set women you so graciously adorn is simply radiating in your velour-ious fabric. I must give you credit for concealing the extra rolls of frumpy fat, typically navigating the halls. I commend you for providing full coverage of the expansive FUPA prominently boomeranging around. Hallelujah!I didn't know she owed something so practical that was capable of augmenting her perfect human sphere, equal in width and height. I thought I would never meet you.
Although I didn't know velvet was back in style? In fact, I don't recall a velvet fad at all. You are truly velour-ious and mystifying. You keep rockin’ those blue and red polka dots. And even though people may frequently ridicule you or become fixated on your antiquated style, and even alienate you because of your unusual elegance, don’t feel badly! You are truly a victim of societies’ naïveté. The full coverage you provide is uncommon, and even wickedly illustrious. You are an artist and a bandage for the fupa phenomenon; common with men and women so afflicted by the over consumption of Big Mac’s and Milkshakes, a sad result of our fast food nation. Your Fupandectomy should be honored. You are a force to be reckoned with and a dignified vision. It's not every day I can say I haven't been fupafied by your occupant. I hope to see you tomorrow and the next day, please also invite friends.
Sincerely,
C
Ummm, Ok
Dear Justin Bieber,
You need somebody to love?!?! REALLY?!?! You are like 12 years old......wait until your body no longer resembles that of a pre-pubescent girl and then start looking for love. Also, please cut that mop on your head, despite what you think , it is not cute when you shake your head to get it out of your eyes!!!
Confused by younger generations taste in "men",
D
You need somebody to love?!?! REALLY?!?! You are like 12 years old......wait until your body no longer resembles that of a pre-pubescent girl and then start looking for love. Also, please cut that mop on your head, despite what you think , it is not cute when you shake your head to get it out of your eyes!!!
Confused by younger generations taste in "men",
D
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