I'm really enjoying growing you... even if it is just for the month of Movember. However, all the porn star, child molestor, and Tom Selleck references are getting kind of old.
C
Dear Rental Car Clerk,
I'm glad that you think my driver's license picture looks like Justin Bieber. I however, do not find this comical.
C
Dear Work,
Man I was just coming around to thinking you were alright. My boss even gave me a gold star for showing up on time. But then you smack me in the face again and remind me why I can't stand working here any longer. When will I have the courage to quit?
C
Top FML's of the week
Today, my cat learned how to flush the toilet while I was in the shower. His transformation from cute kitten to pure evil entity is now complete. FML
Today, I found my son's iPod touch and was looking at a light-saber app. He walked into the living room to see me fighting the cat and making sound effects to myself. FML
Today, when I signed into Amazon, their top recommendation for me based on past purchases was "The Brave Little Toaster" on DVD. FML
Today, trying to be cute, I told my soon-to-be husband he was the ying to my yang. He responded with "Baby, you're the Monica Lewinsky to my Bill Clinton." FML
Today, I discovered I am the "before picture" in an internet weight loss advert. FML
Today, I was lonely enough to clink glasses with my own reflection. FML
Today, someone was getting beat up by 6 guys. When I tried to help, they had a swing at me as well. The cops came when I was enthusiastically defending myself. They got away, I got arrested. FML
Today, I was making out with my boyfriend. He got a text and reached over to get his phone. In the process, he elbowed my face and busted my lip. He laughed. FML
Today, my friend bought a smartphone and updated his facebook status with it. Two weeks ago he signed an apartment lease with another friend. Four months ago he bought a new handgun. Seven months ago he bought a new TV. He's owed me $300 for a year and a half. FML
Today, I freaked out when I couldn't get my bathroom door open. After ten minutes of panic when thinking about how I'd be stuck there for at least 8 hours until my roommate would get home, and another five mentally going over survival skills, I realized that I had forgotten to unlock the door. FML
Today, I went through my spam folder. I found out that I'd received several emails telling me that I have been sending emails containing essays for a class of mine to the wrong address. The term ended yesterday. FML
Today, I let my friend use my computer to download some music. Now, my computer has 6 viruses and 4 songs, all of which I hate. FML
Today, I learned that everyone at college was calling me "Parallel Lines" because I've got an unibrow and an apparent hairiness over my mouth. By the way, I'm a girl. FML
Today, I found my son's iPod touch and was looking at a light-saber app. He walked into the living room to see me fighting the cat and making sound effects to myself. FML
Today, when I signed into Amazon, their top recommendation for me based on past purchases was "The Brave Little Toaster" on DVD. FML
Today, trying to be cute, I told my soon-to-be husband he was the ying to my yang. He responded with "Baby, you're the Monica Lewinsky to my Bill Clinton." FML
Today, I discovered I am the "before picture" in an internet weight loss advert. FML
Today, I was lonely enough to clink glasses with my own reflection. FML
Today, someone was getting beat up by 6 guys. When I tried to help, they had a swing at me as well. The cops came when I was enthusiastically defending myself. They got away, I got arrested. FML
Today, I was making out with my boyfriend. He got a text and reached over to get his phone. In the process, he elbowed my face and busted my lip. He laughed. FML
Today, my friend bought a smartphone and updated his facebook status with it. Two weeks ago he signed an apartment lease with another friend. Four months ago he bought a new handgun. Seven months ago he bought a new TV. He's owed me $300 for a year and a half. FML
Today, I freaked out when I couldn't get my bathroom door open. After ten minutes of panic when thinking about how I'd be stuck there for at least 8 hours until my roommate would get home, and another five mentally going over survival skills, I realized that I had forgotten to unlock the door. FML
Today, I went through my spam folder. I found out that I'd received several emails telling me that I have been sending emails containing essays for a class of mine to the wrong address. The term ended yesterday. FML
Today, I let my friend use my computer to download some music. Now, my computer has 6 viruses and 4 songs, all of which I hate. FML
Today, I learned that everyone at college was calling me "Parallel Lines" because I've got an unibrow and an apparent hairiness over my mouth. By the way, I'm a girl. FML
Dear single friend,
I just want to remind you to please have self-respect and remember that not having a man is not the end of the world. You're making single women look bad when you're putting away all your "non-negotiables" and dating.. say... married guys? Or guys who would never catch your eye otherwise? Guys who treat women like shit and take advantage of you?! We've all made mistakes but it just seems like you should have learned your lesson by now. I wish you could see
you are worth much more and deserve better, even if that means not getting attention and/or sex on a regular basis. Would you rather be married by the age of 30 to some lying loser who is probably cheating on you than be single? One more thing- YOU CAN'T CHANGE A GUY. If you have the idea that he will change once he's with you you're
retarded. You can change his clothes maybe or some of his bad habits but not the fact that he's a total asshole who doesn't respect you. From what I can tell, good/nice guys do exist but there's no way you will ever find one if you have zero standards and are so desperate.
Get help!
~LaDiva~
you are worth much more and deserve better, even if that means not getting attention and/or sex on a regular basis. Would you rather be married by the age of 30 to some lying loser who is probably cheating on you than be single? One more thing- YOU CAN'T CHANGE A GUY. If you have the idea that he will change once he's with you you're
retarded. You can change his clothes maybe or some of his bad habits but not the fact that he's a total asshole who doesn't respect you. From what I can tell, good/nice guys do exist but there's no way you will ever find one if you have zero standards and are so desperate.
Get help!
~LaDiva~
Dear Target Superstore:
Call me an elitist, but walking up and down your aisles, looking at everybody else who visits you to buy shit - with their mouths open and their sweatpants and tucked-in t-shirts - I couldn't help but think: They all have a vote that counts just as much as mine! This democracy thing is so destined for failure...
*sigh,*
-T
Dear On/Off F-Buddy,
Why do you have to be the way you are?? Why does it have to be completely impossible to have a real relationship with you, when I want you so bad that just looking at pictures of you makes my vagina cry a little? You're distracting me from the nice boy that respects me and actually wants a relationship. Stop making it so hard for me to forget about your beautiful, large penis and the way you smell in the morning. Gahh get out of my head! Can I just take your pheromones and your penis and transfer them to my nice boy??
Irma
Irma
dear Jumbline iphone game,
you are my abso favorite way to waste time in class. i love you to no end and you make me feel smart and literate. but during my last two games, IN A ROW, the six letter words i had to find were MOANING and WEINER. yes, in that order. no, i am not shitting you.
can we keep it pg please? i do not need to be thinking about moaning OR weiners during my intro to criminal justice class.
there are kids out there,
-c
Dear c
I like boys but even I would want to hit it if I saw you wearing that costume. Best of luck!
C
C
dear C,
SO. DAMN. CUTE.
here's mine:
here's mine:
(the black one)
i feel like it sends the right message- a cross between "i kind of have a boyfriend who doesn't want to commit to me" and "i'm ready to take jello shots and make the worst decisions ever".
happy halloweiner!
-c
Dear Lindsey,
Not only do you clean the entire house obsessive compulsively and do my laundry, you also ridiculously inexpensive. My house has never been cleaner. You're a godsend! What am I going to do without you? My roommates are filthy fork-hoarding non-rent paying slobs.
C
C
Dear Facebook:
You make it possible for me to mindread the daily ponderings of all my acquaintances - AND to get realtime news on the events and happenings they care about.
Now, I not only know beyond doubt how stupid and dull my circle is, but it also turns out that...deep deep down...everybody I know is really shallow.
Even the commentary I make up for my dog when he licks his balls is better.
Missing my delusions of friends with hidden substance,
-T
dear black cat,
So I'm smoking a cigarette outside this morning and you run up to me and you look like you are shivering. Why does your owner not keep you inside at night? Is it because he's a 80 year old hoarder and he has no room to accommodate you?
Sort of sad,
C
Dear Adrienne,
Will you please write some posts for Dear Life? We're missing your wit.
[Please comment and indicate your interest in Adrienne posting on the blog. Hopefully peer pressure will be effective].
C
Dear a**hole ,
So yesterday you robbed my roommate in broad daylight in front of our house. Unfortunately for you, you only managed to get away with a bag that you thought was her purse -- however, as I'm sure you've found out by now, it only contained ..... hair extensions. Don't ask me why she was carrying a bag with hair extensions in it... she's a hairdresser if you really must know. And why after robbing someone would you take off on foot to the Captain D's across the street and chill out until my other badass roommate comes running after you like a madman. I'm sorry that your crime spree was so unsuccessful. I'm pretty sure that a black man wearing blond hair extensions is going to draw quite a bit of attention. Oh wait, we don't need to wonder because you already got arrested. Hope prison is a blast!
C
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