Dear Future Bridesmaids,
Please do not get fat. Nothing looks weirder then a beautifully dressed, svelte wedding party with a 350 pound girl plunked on the end. I'm not saying I will cut you from the line-up, but please don't put me in the position to have to make that decision.
Shallow with no prospects for marriage anyways,
Shameless
Dear Dream This Morning About A Catheter Being Punched Into My Urethra,
Wow, that was unpleasant imagery. Thank God Almighty that was just a dream. I wonder what Freud would conclude about you? That I am about to have a horrible UTI? That my tumultuous life will ultimately lead to incontinence? That I'm petrified about the procedure on my vag that I will have in the next month?
You were scarier than the scene in E.T. with all the scientists dressed in white plastics suits with filtered oxygen supplies.
Never Sleeping Again,
A
Wow, that was unpleasant imagery. Thank God Almighty that was just a dream. I wonder what Freud would conclude about you? That I am about to have a horrible UTI? That my tumultuous life will ultimately lead to incontinence? That I'm petrified about the procedure on my vag that I will have in the next month?
You were scarier than the scene in E.T. with all the scientists dressed in white plastics suits with filtered oxygen supplies.
Never Sleeping Again,
A
Dear Vodka,
I'm nearly speechless right now due to your massive act of betrayal this weekend. We'd been friends for so many years now … I trusted you! Then you decide to stab me in the back at a most crucial time in my life. Not cool.
Did you get me ragingly inebriated at my man-of-interest's party while meeting all of his friends for the first time, out of spite? I realize I've been doting on the gin lately but that's just doesn't excuse kicking me into a state worthy of an inaugural visit to the ER. Very not cool.
Way to almost ruin my fresh relationship with the rare guy in this universe who has managed to maintain my interest beyond the third date.
Never touching you again, you Russian Bastard!
LQ
P.S. The catheter was a key feature in the ER visit you fueled. That's just unforgivable, so don't even try to redeem yourself … ever.
I'm nearly speechless right now due to your massive act of betrayal this weekend. We'd been friends for so many years now … I trusted you! Then you decide to stab me in the back at a most crucial time in my life. Not cool.
Did you get me ragingly inebriated at my man-of-interest's party while meeting all of his friends for the first time, out of spite? I realize I've been doting on the gin lately but that's just doesn't excuse kicking me into a state worthy of an inaugural visit to the ER. Very not cool.
Way to almost ruin my fresh relationship with the rare guy in this universe who has managed to maintain my interest beyond the third date.
Never touching you again, you Russian Bastard!
LQ
P.S. The catheter was a key feature in the ER visit you fueled. That's just unforgivable, so don't even try to redeem yourself … ever.
Dear Hot Aussie From Back In High School,
Yes, I stalk you on facebook. Your pictures are so unbelievably hot and you are always nude. I LOVE IT. Also, you look like pretty much the most fun person in the world. Why are you toying with me like this?! Please stop having a girlfriend. Please. Also, stop living in Australia. Immediately. My Britney wants some company and I KNOW how you like it down under.
Surriously,
CF
Yes, I stalk you on facebook. Your pictures are so unbelievably hot and you are always nude. I LOVE IT. Also, you look like pretty much the most fun person in the world. Why are you toying with me like this?! Please stop having a girlfriend. Please. Also, stop living in Australia. Immediately. My Britney wants some company and I KNOW how you like it down under.
Surriously,
CF
Dear boy I went on a walk with,
Good: Telling me that you like me, are intersested and would not object to us maybe eventually dating once we get to know each other better.
Bad: Telling me how you "for some unknown reason" never date someone for more than 2 weeks and that your frat boys start a 14 day countdown once you start seeing someone.
One step at a time, we haven't even kissed.....but I heard you were loaded...so I'll over look this 14 day thing..
Massie
Good: Telling me that you like me, are intersested and would not object to us maybe eventually dating once we get to know each other better.
Bad: Telling me how you "for some unknown reason" never date someone for more than 2 weeks and that your frat boys start a 14 day countdown once you start seeing someone.
One step at a time, we haven't even kissed.....but I heard you were loaded...so I'll over look this 14 day thing..
Massie
I'm going to take a wild guess that CPD was drunk when she wrote this. The unedited version:
Dear Brothers Hot Friend I Just Found On FB
i know you live hundered of miles away, but i think a reunion between you and my bro is needed you guys havent seen each other in a while and i think your hot so i need slash want you to do me.
see you soon
CPD
Dear Brothers Hot Friend I Just Found On FB
i know you live hundered of miles away, but i think a reunion between you and my bro is needed you guys havent seen each other in a while and i think your hot so i need slash want you to do me.
see you soon
CPD
dear captain asshole:
i guess you are the way you are because you're insecure. i mean, i'm insecure too, and yes, i'm kind of a bitch sometimes-
but you're a hypocrite and a liar and a skeeze and a horndog and generally an asshole who overcompensates for your total lack of self-esteem.
so thank god we don't talk anymore, because i know if we did i would end up making more bad fucking decisions because of you and your stupid sweet talk and your stupid kissing.
i really, really don't like that about myself.
-c
i guess you are the way you are because you're insecure. i mean, i'm insecure too, and yes, i'm kind of a bitch sometimes-
but you're a hypocrite and a liar and a skeeze and a horndog and generally an asshole who overcompensates for your total lack of self-esteem.
so thank god we don't talk anymore, because i know if we did i would end up making more bad fucking decisions because of you and your stupid sweet talk and your stupid kissing.
i really, really don't like that about myself.
-c
Dear drunken friend,
kudos to you. you had the equivalent of 10 drinks in an hour and a half when you really don't drink often, and you are capable of walking home alone. i'm impressed.
i'm even more impressed though by your fantastic antics. it's a good idea to, while in the public restroom, steal a stereo out of the janitor's closet and hook it up while roaming the halls of the school building via chair-on-wheels. and then when our other friend tried to put the radio back, you threw it in the garbage, where the half-full chocolate milk shake then exploded all over it. this was all a very good idea. and i couldn't help but just giggle when you ripped down a lot of the homecoming queen propaganda signs in a fury and speed i've never before seen.
remind me to get drunk with you more often,
ML
p.s. especially on a tuesday night.
kudos to you. you had the equivalent of 10 drinks in an hour and a half when you really don't drink often, and you are capable of walking home alone. i'm impressed.
i'm even more impressed though by your fantastic antics. it's a good idea to, while in the public restroom, steal a stereo out of the janitor's closet and hook it up while roaming the halls of the school building via chair-on-wheels. and then when our other friend tried to put the radio back, you threw it in the garbage, where the half-full chocolate milk shake then exploded all over it. this was all a very good idea. and i couldn't help but just giggle when you ripped down a lot of the homecoming queen propaganda signs in a fury and speed i've never before seen.
remind me to get drunk with you more often,
ML
p.s. especially on a tuesday night.
Dear Boston Red Sox,
I get it. You're tired. But this is not fun anymore! You're making me miss my valium and my vodka and I've been doing so well so all I ask is that you win tonight. Is that so much? Or can you please not let it be an all-out bloodbath? I realize that you came back and won four in a row in the 2004 ALCS, but I nearly had a heart attack each and every minute and my poor liver just can't go through that anymore. So please, just win 3 more games, ok? Is that so much to fucking ask? Just.....strike 'em out, send 'em home, and call it a day. I said, "please!"! I need to get a manicure next week and no vietnamese nail-lady is about to touch the stubs on the ends of my fingers. I'm tired! My life sucks! Please make it worth living!
Do it all for me,
AB
I get it. You're tired. But this is not fun anymore! You're making me miss my valium and my vodka and I've been doing so well so all I ask is that you win tonight. Is that so much? Or can you please not let it be an all-out bloodbath? I realize that you came back and won four in a row in the 2004 ALCS, but I nearly had a heart attack each and every minute and my poor liver just can't go through that anymore. So please, just win 3 more games, ok? Is that so much to fucking ask? Just.....strike 'em out, send 'em home, and call it a day. I said, "please!"! I need to get a manicure next week and no vietnamese nail-lady is about to touch the stubs on the ends of my fingers. I'm tired! My life sucks! Please make it worth living!
Do it all for me,
AB
Dear Woman In the Lohman's Dressing Room,
I understand what month it is. I know what October means to women (and some very special men), and believe me, I am an advocate of the cause to raise awareness for breast cancer. What I am not, in any way, shape, or form, an advocate of is how you decided not to wear a bra while in the dressing room. (Perhaps my next Dear Life letter should be to Lohman's, whose store has one communal dressing room, without any form of curtains or walls to offer privacy for those stripping to purchase their wares.) And since the room is floor to ceiling mirrors, though I tried as hard as I could to keep my eyes trained on my adorable grey skirt for only $19.99, due to a sad entity of physics known as reflections, I caught several very unfortunate glimpses of your lovely lady lumps.
Seriously, you were like 40, and I'd think at that age you'd out grown the bra burning phase. And your humps were not so small that they honestly didn't need a bra, nor were they so big that a woman would go bra-less and strip in a communal dressing room to show them off. I'm quite proud of my own, but instead of letting the girls catch some fresh air, they were conservatively contained in something known as a braissiere-- you should check into that.
Ta-Ta,
Ace
I understand what month it is. I know what October means to women (and some very special men), and believe me, I am an advocate of the cause to raise awareness for breast cancer. What I am not, in any way, shape, or form, an advocate of is how you decided not to wear a bra while in the dressing room. (Perhaps my next Dear Life letter should be to Lohman's, whose store has one communal dressing room, without any form of curtains or walls to offer privacy for those stripping to purchase their wares.) And since the room is floor to ceiling mirrors, though I tried as hard as I could to keep my eyes trained on my adorable grey skirt for only $19.99, due to a sad entity of physics known as reflections, I caught several very unfortunate glimpses of your lovely lady lumps.
Seriously, you were like 40, and I'd think at that age you'd out grown the bra burning phase. And your humps were not so small that they honestly didn't need a bra, nor were they so big that a woman would go bra-less and strip in a communal dressing room to show them off. I'm quite proud of my own, but instead of letting the girls catch some fresh air, they were conservatively contained in something known as a braissiere-- you should check into that.
Ta-Ta,
Ace
Dear Neighbor I'm Trying Not to Bone b/c I Actually Like:
Maybe don't get boners when we kiss. That way, I won't accidentally catch a glimpse of what can only be described as the most massive dong of all time. If my vag hadn't been so concerned for its structural integrity, I would have jumped on right then and there.
Doing Deep Knee Bends in Anticipation,
b
Maybe don't get boners when we kiss. That way, I won't accidentally catch a glimpse of what can only be described as the most massive dong of all time. If my vag hadn't been so concerned for its structural integrity, I would have jumped on right then and there.
Doing Deep Knee Bends in Anticipation,
b
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