Dear "For something that's supposed to be a fling, it sure looks like a lot of work" Summer Fling Boy:
I'm sure that you remember this past summer, when we dated and everything was sweet and smiley and happy exciting kitten streamers of colorful fun. I'm sure, then, that you'll also remember how, just as things were really starting to sizzle, you took the petty amateur magician's route and pulled off the kind of disappearing act (and positively frightful PR move) that even David Blaine wouldn't dare attempt. Perhaps you'll also recall how, several months after said vanishing, you foolishly chose to wield the unsavory communication tools of Facebook like a rusty, chain-link mace, in a thinly veiled attempt at grabbing my wavering attention.
Given the context and circumstances of the above, I thought you might be interested to know that I've since spoken with an old acquaintance of yours, who shed light for me not only on your reckless routine of using and abusing poor, unsuspecting victims like me in order to further your fledgling career, but also on that little recreational habit of yours which has, within my circle of friends, earned you the nickname "Cokie Roberts." Mayhaps, you would now like to know that I am at least 1,000% over you.
Sniff-sniff, snort snort,
KittenFace
Dear Mom,
As we sat and watched TV, a Ben Affleck promo of some sort flashed upon the screen, you grabbed my hand and said, "There is your boyfriend! What is ____(an ex boyfriend that strongly resembled Ben Affleck in his debut) doing these days?"
So,now you care about my ex. The same one you shunned from our house and forbid me to date bc your friends didn't like him. The same one you refused to let me go to prom with so I went with someone else that left me there mid-prom to go out with his friends. This is the same guy /reason you refused to give me a long distance phone account in college (cutting me off from all friends - just so I couldn;t talk to him.) We were left to sneak about a'la Romeo and Juliet. But Romeo and Juliet is just a sad fairy tale with a sad ending. We walked away because of you - not because of our own volition, THAT will haunt and hurt forever. I don't know what would have been, I seriously doubtful that he would have been the one, but I am insulted that you have the gaul to bring him up and suddenly talk about him as my first love - when you denied that he even existed before. I did everything I could to respect you, despite my heart, and you still disrespect mine so many years later.
And the fact is this:Today, ____ is a really devout Christian man, he married a devout Christian woman and they just had a baby. I know this because, although he and I haven't spoken in years, he took the time to track me down to send me a birth announcement. So, he's not the greatest man for contacting me about that, but again...why would he want me to know if he and I didn't care...
How Dare You, Mom? Too little, too late is all to simple a statement. But to say anything more than that would be unbecoming of me. You're my parent and I will love you and respect you. But I'm forever broken. Any man I meet and I could potentially love, I have turned away so you can't ruin it. And any man that seems to meet your criteria is HORRIBLE on the inside bc your judgement is clearly fucked.
You denied his and my existence for so long, but now you are so worried that I am alone that you glorify bullshit past. Insulting. I am better than the damage done to me, so I take your sudden and completely surprising admission that ___ and I were in love as my carte blanche to *discreetly say fuck you to any complaints you ever make about my love life again. Here's to a new chapter, you bitch.
Happy Holidays,
blondie
As we sat and watched TV, a Ben Affleck promo of some sort flashed upon the screen, you grabbed my hand and said, "There is your boyfriend! What is ____(an ex boyfriend that strongly resembled Ben Affleck in his debut) doing these days?"
So,now you care about my ex. The same one you shunned from our house and forbid me to date bc your friends didn't like him. The same one you refused to let me go to prom with so I went with someone else that left me there mid-prom to go out with his friends. This is the same guy /reason you refused to give me a long distance phone account in college (cutting me off from all friends - just so I couldn;t talk to him.) We were left to sneak about a'la Romeo and Juliet. But Romeo and Juliet is just a sad fairy tale with a sad ending. We walked away because of you - not because of our own volition, THAT will haunt and hurt forever. I don't know what would have been, I seriously doubtful that he would have been the one, but I am insulted that you have the gaul to bring him up and suddenly talk about him as my first love - when you denied that he even existed before. I did everything I could to respect you, despite my heart, and you still disrespect mine so many years later.
And the fact is this:Today, ____ is a really devout Christian man, he married a devout Christian woman and they just had a baby. I know this because, although he and I haven't spoken in years, he took the time to track me down to send me a birth announcement. So, he's not the greatest man for contacting me about that, but again...why would he want me to know if he and I didn't care...
How Dare You, Mom? Too little, too late is all to simple a statement. But to say anything more than that would be unbecoming of me. You're my parent and I will love you and respect you. But I'm forever broken. Any man I meet and I could potentially love, I have turned away so you can't ruin it. And any man that seems to meet your criteria is HORRIBLE on the inside bc your judgement is clearly fucked.
You denied his and my existence for so long, but now you are so worried that I am alone that you glorify bullshit past. Insulting. I am better than the damage done to me, so I take your sudden and completely surprising admission that ___ and I were in love as my carte blanche to *discreetly say fuck you to any complaints you ever make about my love life again. Here's to a new chapter, you bitch.
Happy Holidays,
blondie
Dear hockey boy and your bff,
I've known you both since we were snotty 6 year olds playing on the elementary school field. I dated you in high school and even though we broke up there were no hard feelings. Now, we've been messing around for a few months on and off and I was pretty sure you were just my "movie partner" and nothing more. The night you weren't able to show up and your bff was bartending WAS going to suck without you there. Of course, quite unexpectedly, I fell for bff and ended up spending the night at his place, where we did nothing but cuddle despite other inclinations because neither of us would do that to you. I decided to do the right thing and tell you the truth: I've kind of fallen for your bff and we should probably lay off the sex for a while since, well, its wrong for me to be sleeping with you AND crushing on him.
Despite my clearly updstanding intentions and commendable respect for you and the truth, you are no longer talking to me. I feel like shit, and bff obvs. has to take care of you first before we can hang out again. I understand ALL of this. Now I'll probably lose our friendship, you'll be too upset to let bff and I hang out, and I will be left without my "movie partner" and no chance at a shot with the new crush.
Here's hoping that you'll see that I did an incredibly hard, but well intentioned thing by telling you and that everything will work out for all of us.
Hating the love triangle,
st
p.s. Thanks truth, who knew you'd turn out to be such a bitch.
I've known you both since we were snotty 6 year olds playing on the elementary school field. I dated you in high school and even though we broke up there were no hard feelings. Now, we've been messing around for a few months on and off and I was pretty sure you were just my "movie partner" and nothing more. The night you weren't able to show up and your bff was bartending WAS going to suck without you there. Of course, quite unexpectedly, I fell for bff and ended up spending the night at his place, where we did nothing but cuddle despite other inclinations because neither of us would do that to you. I decided to do the right thing and tell you the truth: I've kind of fallen for your bff and we should probably lay off the sex for a while since, well, its wrong for me to be sleeping with you AND crushing on him.
Despite my clearly updstanding intentions and commendable respect for you and the truth, you are no longer talking to me. I feel like shit, and bff obvs. has to take care of you first before we can hang out again. I understand ALL of this. Now I'll probably lose our friendship, you'll be too upset to let bff and I hang out, and I will be left without my "movie partner" and no chance at a shot with the new crush.
Here's hoping that you'll see that I did an incredibly hard, but well intentioned thing by telling you and that everything will work out for all of us.
Hating the love triangle,
st
p.s. Thanks truth, who knew you'd turn out to be such a bitch.
dear stomach,
would you please just explode already?
i'm sorry for being the dumbest bitch ever this morning and putting a whole bagel with cream cheese in you this morning after consuming approx. 98 cups of the hunch punch last night... but you're supposed to have carbohydrates after you drink, right?
WRONG.
i feel like asshole. please, god, just let me puke.
or kill me.
now.
i hate everything,
-c
would you please just explode already?
i'm sorry for being the dumbest bitch ever this morning and putting a whole bagel with cream cheese in you this morning after consuming approx. 98 cups of the hunch punch last night... but you're supposed to have carbohydrates after you drink, right?
WRONG.
i feel like asshole. please, god, just let me puke.
or kill me.
now.
i hate everything,
-c
Dear dude I was dating for like a second,
You're the first person I've dated like... ever after my failed 6 year relationship. So I just wanted to say thanks for showing me the ropes. You know, you act really cute and make me really like you, then proceed to take advantage of me, and finally you silently disappear. Now I know what to expect and why my single friends are so goddamn bitter. For the record, you aren't that good in the sack and I can (and will) upgrade soon.
Thanks for the memories asshole,
~LaDiva~
You're the first person I've dated like... ever after my failed 6 year relationship. So I just wanted to say thanks for showing me the ropes. You know, you act really cute and make me really like you, then proceed to take advantage of me, and finally you silently disappear. Now I know what to expect and why my single friends are so goddamn bitter. For the record, you aren't that good in the sack and I can (and will) upgrade soon.
Thanks for the memories asshole,
~LaDiva~
Dear blue balls,
Do you really exist? If so, can you compare the pain you cause a guy to something a girl can feel? Can it be so bad that you make a guy start limping?
I think I've met you, but not exactly sure. I'm going to go read my Sex For Dummies book to find out more...
Hoping there's an illustration,
Em
Do you really exist? If so, can you compare the pain you cause a guy to something a girl can feel? Can it be so bad that you make a guy start limping?
I think I've met you, but not exactly sure. I'm going to go read my Sex For Dummies book to find out more...
Hoping there's an illustration,
Em
Dear Condesending Public,
Just because I'm more logical, some-what knowledgable and a bit smater than you doesn't mean you have to snub my wisdom with that very condesending line "You're only 14, what did you know?"
What do I know? A lot actually.
I know that momzy is actually whispering about sex to her asteemed friends. Yes, I can hear you. And yes, I know what sex is.
I know that my neighbour has a really bad addition to her house, and only the deperate will be wiling to pay rent for such an ugly house, even though people tell me that the brick-face and bad positioning in fact isn't that bad I can tell those people one thing...it is. It's hideous.
So yes, I have real opinions. Deal with it.
Blowing off some steam,
Bu
Just because I'm more logical, some-what knowledgable and a bit smater than you doesn't mean you have to snub my wisdom with that very condesending line "You're only 14, what did you know?"
What do I know? A lot actually.
I know that momzy is actually whispering about sex to her asteemed friends. Yes, I can hear you. And yes, I know what sex is.
I know that my neighbour has a really bad addition to her house, and only the deperate will be wiling to pay rent for such an ugly house, even though people tell me that the brick-face and bad positioning in fact isn't that bad I can tell those people one thing...it is. It's hideous.
So yes, I have real opinions. Deal with it.
Blowing off some steam,
Bu
Dear Creeper 101
What the fuck? Seriously. Even after making the terms of our "relationship" clear, you still call me, text me, talk to me and pretty much need me like a pathetic little puppy.
Normally, this would appeal to me, but after being screwed over by a gay boyfriend (who i didn't know was gay-haha) who left me for the father of my friend's child, I'm done with the commitment and all the other bullshit that goes with over-hormonal loved-up and delusional teens. Even after you profusely apologised, i still think you are fucking psycho: that doesn't change just because I made you see the light.
Tired of creepers,
Bu
What the fuck? Seriously. Even after making the terms of our "relationship" clear, you still call me, text me, talk to me and pretty much need me like a pathetic little puppy.
Normally, this would appeal to me, but after being screwed over by a gay boyfriend (who i didn't know was gay-haha) who left me for the father of my friend's child, I'm done with the commitment and all the other bullshit that goes with over-hormonal loved-up and delusional teens. Even after you profusely apologised, i still think you are fucking psycho: that doesn't change just because I made you see the light.
Tired of creepers,
Bu
Dear Boys who have been in my life over the past 3 years,
I am just starting to realized that you all have one thing in common. Last names that are nouns. A bird, a vegetable, an object............I mean seriously?!?!?! Do I have some secret problem with my own last name that I am compensating for? Whatever the reason, I'm loving it, so............keep em' coming!
Wondering who's next,
D
I am just starting to realized that you all have one thing in common. Last names that are nouns. A bird, a vegetable, an object............I mean seriously?!?!?! Do I have some secret problem with my own last name that I am compensating for? Whatever the reason, I'm loving it, so............keep em' coming!
Wondering who's next,
D
Dear Blacking Out,
Aha! I've been wondering if we were ever going to meet. I'm amazed I made it this far in my charmed life without bumping into you, you asshole. You see, baby, I was blessed with a built in mechanism called "a weak stomach" that always had me gracefully hovering over the Porcelain Goddess before you'd roll in.
But about last night... You're not all fratarded fun and games like I sometimes hear about, eh? You're actually nothing but an embarrassing date that haunts me in the form of flashbacks and scoldings. And you're a liar. You were like, "Haha, let's say totally outlandish things to people who will later harshly judge us! Everyone's doing it!" No, Blacking Out, not everyone was doing it. And they weren't giggling or falling down either. And sending me outside in a just a T-shirt when I live in the damn tundra? That was just mean.
I gave you a chance, but I'm afraid you're just not my type. Go find yourself a high schooler who doesn't know better.
Back off,
Eloise
Aha! I've been wondering if we were ever going to meet. I'm amazed I made it this far in my charmed life without bumping into you, you asshole. You see, baby, I was blessed with a built in mechanism called "a weak stomach" that always had me gracefully hovering over the Porcelain Goddess before you'd roll in.
But about last night... You're not all fratarded fun and games like I sometimes hear about, eh? You're actually nothing but an embarrassing date that haunts me in the form of flashbacks and scoldings. And you're a liar. You were like, "Haha, let's say totally outlandish things to people who will later harshly judge us! Everyone's doing it!" No, Blacking Out, not everyone was doing it. And they weren't giggling or falling down either. And sending me outside in a just a T-shirt when I live in the damn tundra? That was just mean.
I gave you a chance, but I'm afraid you're just not my type. Go find yourself a high schooler who doesn't know better.
Back off,
Eloise
Dear blue-eyed boy who danced with me and shyly flirted,
Thank you for proving decent boys still exist. Thanks for the butterflies, and thanks for getting my mind off the d-bag who leads me on despite his 3-year relationship. Oh, and thanks for having blue eyes. You're adorable and I can't wait for you to call me back.
This will probs end in disappointment,
WandererChick
Thank you for proving decent boys still exist. Thanks for the butterflies, and thanks for getting my mind off the d-bag who leads me on despite his 3-year relationship. Oh, and thanks for having blue eyes. You're adorable and I can't wait for you to call me back.
This will probs end in disappointment,
WandererChick
Dear life,
You know you are really into a guy when you agree to be in his grad school research study and let him weigh you, measure your body fat, and put blood pressure cuffs all over your body (which for the record DOES hurt). I'm pretty sure this guy could ask me to do pretty much anything and I'd blush and nod. I really need to get a grip...
~LaDiva~
You know you are really into a guy when you agree to be in his grad school research study and let him weigh you, measure your body fat, and put blood pressure cuffs all over your body (which for the record DOES hurt). I'm pretty sure this guy could ask me to do pretty much anything and I'd blush and nod. I really need to get a grip...
~LaDiva~
Dear Mom,
I never thought you would be a reason for me to think our family is white trash, but your behavior lately has proven otherwise. And moreover, by lately, I mean over THANKSGIVING.
Not only did you spend 2 out of the 4 nights I was home at your boyfriend's house, but then you basically stole my credit card. For his purchases, I think. But even if not, WHAT. THE. FUCK. What was going through your head when you said to yourself, "of course it's okay to use someone's credit card without telling them" ?!?
Now I know exactly what my older brother was talking about when he said to never, EVER let family borrow money. I assume you screwed him over at some point too, and that's why he's so stingy.
It would be different if it were around $20 and you had forgotten to tell me or something. But you KNEW what you were doing. Not to mention that it was like SIX purchases totaling over $200! REALLY.
Why isn't it possible to disown your parents?
ML
I never thought you would be a reason for me to think our family is white trash, but your behavior lately has proven otherwise. And moreover, by lately, I mean over THANKSGIVING.
Not only did you spend 2 out of the 4 nights I was home at your boyfriend's house, but then you basically stole my credit card. For his purchases, I think. But even if not, WHAT. THE. FUCK. What was going through your head when you said to yourself, "of course it's okay to use someone's credit card without telling them" ?!?
Now I know exactly what my older brother was talking about when he said to never, EVER let family borrow money. I assume you screwed him over at some point too, and that's why he's so stingy.
It would be different if it were around $20 and you had forgotten to tell me or something. But you KNEW what you were doing. Not to mention that it was like SIX purchases totaling over $200! REALLY.
Why isn't it possible to disown your parents?
ML
Dear Grandma,
I know I'm staying with you for free and the whole deal isn't bad... But I could really do without the disapproving glares when I roll in at 10 am the morning after my date still wearing the same clothes from the night before. Come on I'm 23... and FYI yes we slept in the same bed and we had sex and it was hot! I really need roommates who aren't in their 70's!
Love your floozy granddaughter,
~LaDiva~
I know I'm staying with you for free and the whole deal isn't bad... But I could really do without the disapproving glares when I roll in at 10 am the morning after my date still wearing the same clothes from the night before. Come on I'm 23... and FYI yes we slept in the same bed and we had sex and it was hot! I really need roommates who aren't in their 70's!
Love your floozy granddaughter,
~LaDiva~
Dear Super-Awesome Girl:
I think I’m in deep shit.
Yeah, we like each other. I actually like you so much I’m stupid. I don’t know what I’m doing.
I went to a wedding by myself two weekends ago. No biggie, right?
It’s not like we’ve been seeing each other seriously, anyway. You’re on the road working, like always, so you weren’t even ABLE to go to this wedding. But it’s not like I got invited to bring a guest in any case.
Plus my buddy’s bride-to-be’s friends are HAWT…and I’ve mad crushed on buddy-groom’s dishy little sis since college.
So I fly into Austin, where the wedding is. I’m in the wedding party, so I meet everybody. His family LOVES me. I chill with his dad and bullshit about all his future daughter in law’s hottie friends.
And my other, “not-getting-married-and-totally-from-a-different-circle” buddy who just happens to be a DJ (but isn’t attending the wedding) also lives in Austin.
So after the reception, my boy’s gear is set up in the phat SUITE I have all to myself, and he spins a sick afterparty . DJ boy feels like the lotto winner because he gets to meet all the girls who, as always, jock the DJ.
Plus the night manager gets a fat bribe from my forward-thinking self, so he doesn’t care two shits about the noise.
It’s perfect, right? Bridesmaids, my buddy’s sister, and other bunnies, all in the mood to party, are whooping it up in my room…and oh yeah, some dudes, too. And we have a blast without any worries about complaints.
I feel like I'm pimp o' the week.
And as things wrap up around 3am, DJ boy disappears with somebunny back to her room, leaving me alone with two girls: super-hot half-Japanese I-Banker girl from NYC…and groom’s drunk sis who keeps putting her hands on me.
And I think to myself, “I can PICK…or maybe even have BOTH stay.” It's totally possible. I mean, I could really...truly...conceivably pull this off.
But, Super-Awesome Girl…you fucked everything up.
All I had to do is be smooth…but I kept thinking about YOU goddamit. I had two girls in my room, neither who wanted to be the one to leave, and I’m focused on YOU, a girl in another fucking city…who might not even be serious about me.
I spend YEARS waiting and working to create moments like this. This will likely never happen again. And I can’t get Super-Awesome girl out of my head. I’m FUUUUUCKED.
So I say, “I’m tired.” And I-Banker girl looks at me like I’m retarded (I am) and she leaves. And buddy’s sister takes the clue to climb on me…and I have to tell her “no.”
Little sister is really angry and hurt, and gets tears in her eyes and says something about how she could tell I’ve liked her since forever, and that I’m mean and stupid and crazy, and she’s embarrassed. She’s right on all counts. I’m totally a dick.
But I say I’m sorry. I just can’t hook up with her. I literally walk her out the door and shove it shut saying some bullshit about how “no…you’re my best friend’s sister…this is wrong.” (Even though I don’t have any qualms about that at ALL…my real issue is you on the brain, Super-Awesome Girl.)
Drunken sister stays at the door, knocking softly, for a LONG time.
And when she finally leaves, I pick up the phone and call you, Super-Awesome Girl…just so I can hear your voice. You’re all sleepy and annoyed at being woken up, but we chat about the wedding and I th ink about how your hair smells like roses from your conditioner or shampoo or some other girlie lotion-type shit.
…and you have no idea how bad I have it for you and what stupid shit that makes me do.
If this is “falling in love,” it can go fuck itself. I hate being pathetic.
Dragging defeat from the jaws of victory,
- Super-pathetic T
I think I’m in deep shit.
Yeah, we like each other. I actually like you so much I’m stupid. I don’t know what I’m doing.
I went to a wedding by myself two weekends ago. No biggie, right?
It’s not like we’ve been seeing each other seriously, anyway. You’re on the road working, like always, so you weren’t even ABLE to go to this wedding. But it’s not like I got invited to bring a guest in any case.
Plus my buddy’s bride-to-be’s friends are HAWT…and I’ve mad crushed on buddy-groom’s dishy little sis since college.
So I fly into Austin, where the wedding is. I’m in the wedding party, so I meet everybody. His family LOVES me. I chill with his dad and bullshit about all his future daughter in law’s hottie friends.
And my other, “not-getting-married-and-totally-from-a-different-circle” buddy who just happens to be a DJ (but isn’t attending the wedding) also lives in Austin.
So after the reception, my boy’s gear is set up in the phat SUITE I have all to myself, and he spins a sick afterparty . DJ boy feels like the lotto winner because he gets to meet all the girls who, as always, jock the DJ.
Plus the night manager gets a fat bribe from my forward-thinking self, so he doesn’t care two shits about the noise.
It’s perfect, right? Bridesmaids, my buddy’s sister, and other bunnies, all in the mood to party, are whooping it up in my room…and oh yeah, some dudes, too. And we have a blast without any worries about complaints.
I feel like I'm pimp o' the week.
And as things wrap up around 3am, DJ boy disappears with somebunny back to her room, leaving me alone with two girls: super-hot half-Japanese I-Banker girl from NYC…and groom’s drunk sis who keeps putting her hands on me.
And I think to myself, “I can PICK…or maybe even have BOTH stay.” It's totally possible. I mean, I could really...truly...conceivably pull this off.
But, Super-Awesome Girl…you fucked everything up.
All I had to do is be smooth…but I kept thinking about YOU goddamit. I had two girls in my room, neither who wanted to be the one to leave, and I’m focused on YOU, a girl in another fucking city…who might not even be serious about me.
I spend YEARS waiting and working to create moments like this. This will likely never happen again. And I can’t get Super-Awesome girl out of my head. I’m FUUUUUCKED.
So I say, “I’m tired.” And I-Banker girl looks at me like I’m retarded (I am) and she leaves. And buddy’s sister takes the clue to climb on me…and I have to tell her “no.”
Little sister is really angry and hurt, and gets tears in her eyes and says something about how she could tell I’ve liked her since forever, and that I’m mean and stupid and crazy, and she’s embarrassed. She’s right on all counts. I’m totally a dick.
But I say I’m sorry. I just can’t hook up with her. I literally walk her out the door and shove it shut saying some bullshit about how “no…you’re my best friend’s sister…this is wrong.” (Even though I don’t have any qualms about that at ALL…my real issue is you on the brain, Super-Awesome Girl.)
Drunken sister stays at the door, knocking softly, for a LONG time.
And when she finally leaves, I pick up the phone and call you, Super-Awesome Girl…just so I can hear your voice. You’re all sleepy and annoyed at being woken up, but we chat about the wedding and I th ink about how your hair smells like roses from your conditioner or shampoo or some other girlie lotion-type shit.
…and you have no idea how bad I have it for you and what stupid shit that makes me do.
If this is “falling in love,” it can go fuck itself. I hate being pathetic.
Dragging defeat from the jaws of victory,
- Super-pathetic T
Dear Lifers,
When and how much "talking dirty" is ok? I got a glimpse of it on hook-up #1 and saw it in full action on hook-up #2. Is this too early? What does this say about him?
And how am I supposed to respond back? Currently I am just not saying anything. I know that sooner or later I'm not going to be able to pull off a moan in response...but I've never said things like that.
Is silence really golden?
Em
When and how much "talking dirty" is ok? I got a glimpse of it on hook-up #1 and saw it in full action on hook-up #2. Is this too early? What does this say about him?
And how am I supposed to respond back? Currently I am just not saying anything. I know that sooner or later I'm not going to be able to pull off a moan in response...but I've never said things like that.
Is silence really golden?
Em
Dear titillating sex dream with my co-worker,
Ok, I get it. I have a crush on the co-worker, he has a crush on me. Our flirting is way obvi to everyone in the office. We aren't having real sex because he has a girlfriend, so we have hot sex in my dreams instead. But, um, next time, can his GF please not be there, walking in on us right before our happy ending? Dreams are supposed to avoid reality, not rub reality in my face.
Hoping for more spanking and less guilt next time around,
WandererChick
Ok, I get it. I have a crush on the co-worker, he has a crush on me. Our flirting is way obvi to everyone in the office. We aren't having real sex because he has a girlfriend, so we have hot sex in my dreams instead. But, um, next time, can his GF please not be there, walking in on us right before our happy ending? Dreams are supposed to avoid reality, not rub reality in my face.
Hoping for more spanking and less guilt next time around,
WandererChick
Dear boy that I am newly semi-dating,
When I told you I was a bad driver, I meant it.
I didn't mean to back into a ditch while backing out of your driveway, but what proceeded to happen was pretty funny...
I tried to get out, but my car started smelling badly and there was no moving it. So I call you. Twice. You don't answer. So I'm forced to go up to your house and ring the doorbell. I was going to just walk straight in, but the door is locked. At this point the dog is barking and you make it to the door. You look at me kind of puzzled. It was almost as if you thought I had changed my mind and wanted to stay the night. Your house alarm went off...it was a fiasco. So finally I get inside and I'm like "uhhh I backed into a ditch" And you are like...what??? And like I guess you don't believe me. So you start like trying to kiss me and I'm like..."No...seriously...this isn't an excuse to stay the night...I backed into a ditch as I was leaving!" So I finally get you outside and you're like "How the hell did that happen? Have you been drinking?" So you try to get me out and can't.
*We're still not even at the best part yet.*
We then decide that you are going to push my car out of the ditch as I hit the accelarator. That doesn't work. So you're like "Put it in the reverse and then immediately hit the gas."
So I put the car in reverse, but kind of freak out b/c it starts rolling backwards pretty quickly. Then I realize. Shitttt. You are behind the car and I just RAN YOU OVER!!!
I put the car in park and hop out and am like OMG OMG OMG I'm sooooo sorry!!! You lost your shoe and were pretty stunned. But I was like laughing b/c I was so embarassed. You were fine with it. And as you were finally getting my car out of the ditch, you were laughing pretty hard too.
Does this mean our next date is cancelled?
Hope your foot is ok,
Em
When I told you I was a bad driver, I meant it.
I didn't mean to back into a ditch while backing out of your driveway, but what proceeded to happen was pretty funny...
I tried to get out, but my car started smelling badly and there was no moving it. So I call you. Twice. You don't answer. So I'm forced to go up to your house and ring the doorbell. I was going to just walk straight in, but the door is locked. At this point the dog is barking and you make it to the door. You look at me kind of puzzled. It was almost as if you thought I had changed my mind and wanted to stay the night. Your house alarm went off...it was a fiasco. So finally I get inside and I'm like "uhhh I backed into a ditch" And you are like...what??? And like I guess you don't believe me. So you start like trying to kiss me and I'm like..."No...seriously...this isn't an excuse to stay the night...I backed into a ditch as I was leaving!" So I finally get you outside and you're like "How the hell did that happen? Have you been drinking?" So you try to get me out and can't.
*We're still not even at the best part yet.*
We then decide that you are going to push my car out of the ditch as I hit the accelarator. That doesn't work. So you're like "Put it in the reverse and then immediately hit the gas."
So I put the car in reverse, but kind of freak out b/c it starts rolling backwards pretty quickly. Then I realize. Shitttt. You are behind the car and I just RAN YOU OVER!!!
I put the car in park and hop out and am like OMG OMG OMG I'm sooooo sorry!!! You lost your shoe and were pretty stunned. But I was like laughing b/c I was so embarassed. You were fine with it. And as you were finally getting my car out of the ditch, you were laughing pretty hard too.
Does this mean our next date is cancelled?
Hope your foot is ok,
Em
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