Dear Red Polka Dot Dress,
You have been dancing past my office all day. I can't help but take notice of how very bright, and loosely fitting you are. I can only imagine how you got here today. I'm sure it started with the simple question - What to wear? Why of course … the velvet polka dot dress I have been hiding away!!! You have been quite distracting this afternoon, yet a saving grace.
The heavy-set women you so graciously adorn is simply radiating in your velour-ious fabric. I must give you credit for concealing the extra rolls of frumpy fat, typically navigating the halls. I commend you for providing full coverage of the expansive FUPA prominently boomeranging around. Hallelujah!I didn't know she owed something so practical that was capable of augmenting her perfect human sphere, equal in width and height. I thought I would never meet you.
Although I didn't know velvet was back in style? In fact, I don't recall a velvet fad at all. You are truly velour-ious and mystifying. You keep rockin’ those blue and red polka dots. And even though people may frequently ridicule you or become fixated on your antiquated style, and even alienate you because of your unusual elegance, don’t feel badly! You are truly a victim of societies’ naïveté. The full coverage you provide is uncommon, and even wickedly illustrious. You are an artist and a bandage for the fupa phenomenon; common with men and women so afflicted by the over consumption of Big Mac’s and Milkshakes, a sad result of our fast food nation. Your Fupandectomy should be honored. You are a force to be reckoned with and a dignified vision. It's not every day I can say I haven't been fupafied by your occupant. I hope to see you tomorrow and the next day, please also invite friends.
Sincerely,
C
Ummm, Ok
Dear Justin Bieber,
You need somebody to love?!?! REALLY?!?! You are like 12 years old......wait until your body no longer resembles that of a pre-pubescent girl and then start looking for love. Also, please cut that mop on your head, despite what you think , it is not cute when you shake your head to get it out of your eyes!!!
Confused by younger generations taste in "men",
D
You need somebody to love?!?! REALLY?!?! You are like 12 years old......wait until your body no longer resembles that of a pre-pubescent girl and then start looking for love. Also, please cut that mop on your head, despite what you think , it is not cute when you shake your head to get it out of your eyes!!!
Confused by younger generations taste in "men",
D
Dear Calculus Professor,
Don't get me wrong, I really appreciate the fact that you're a very eccentric and artistic person. In fact, I even kind of enjoy it when you go off on wild tangents during lectures even though the rest of the class is whispering things like "she's totally f-in batshit!" and "can I still transfer out?".
However, I most certainly do not appreciate the too-tight khaki pants and resultant camel toe that you have been sporting for the past two days. Seriously, it's the worst case I have ever seen. How do you walk up the four flights of stairs to our classroom without getting cut in half? Do you take the elevator? Did someone steal all your other pants? This is what I pondered during our 50 minutes together yesterday, instead of calculus. And today, when you walked in wearing the EXACT SAME THING, I was beside myself.
Did you seriously sleep in that?!?!
Ouch.
Ouch-ouch, ouch,
S
P.S. I'm also all set on the V.P.L. Thanks.
Don't get me wrong, I really appreciate the fact that you're a very eccentric and artistic person. In fact, I even kind of enjoy it when you go off on wild tangents during lectures even though the rest of the class is whispering things like "she's totally f-in batshit!" and "can I still transfer out?".
However, I most certainly do not appreciate the too-tight khaki pants and resultant camel toe that you have been sporting for the past two days. Seriously, it's the worst case I have ever seen. How do you walk up the four flights of stairs to our classroom without getting cut in half? Do you take the elevator? Did someone steal all your other pants? This is what I pondered during our 50 minutes together yesterday, instead of calculus. And today, when you walked in wearing the EXACT SAME THING, I was beside myself.
Did you seriously sleep in that?!?!
Ouch.
Ouch-ouch, ouch,
S
P.S. I'm also all set on the V.P.L. Thanks.
dear december/january,
you were so much fun.
so much fun, in fact, that i am taking it upon myself to implement a new policy for february:
sober.
and.
celibate.
you taught me that i don't need to be drinking both days of every weekend... and i certainly don't need to go cruisin' for the p every time i go to a party. i've officially renamed sunday "hangoverday" and i've been shoved headfirst into a friend's car-- before midnight-- as protection against the wrath of an angry 250lb woman . i felt almost nothing after 5 shots of soco on saturday, which would have had me throwing up a month ago, and i sent more than 100 texts in one night telling captain asshole (anyone remember him??) that me and my friend wanted to have a threesome with him.
also i want to have a liver when i turn nineteen.
thus, Celisoberuary is born.
no booze, no boys.
chicks before dicks.
beer is queer.
"sex can wait, masturbate!"
february starts on sunday, right?,
-c
you were so much fun.
so much fun, in fact, that i am taking it upon myself to implement a new policy for february:
sober.
and.
celibate.
you taught me that i don't need to be drinking both days of every weekend... and i certainly don't need to go cruisin' for the p every time i go to a party. i've officially renamed sunday "hangoverday" and i've been shoved headfirst into a friend's car-- before midnight-- as protection against the wrath of an angry 250lb woman . i felt almost nothing after 5 shots of soco on saturday, which would have had me throwing up a month ago, and i sent more than 100 texts in one night telling captain asshole (anyone remember him??) that me and my friend wanted to have a threesome with him.
also i want to have a liver when i turn nineteen.
thus, Celisoberuary is born.
no booze, no boys.
chicks before dicks.
beer is queer.
"sex can wait, masturbate!"
february starts on sunday, right?,
-c
Dear "For something that's supposed to be a fling, it sure looks like a lot of work" Summer Fling Boy:
I'm sure that you remember this past summer, when we dated and everything was sweet and smiley and happy exciting kitten streamers of colorful fun. I'm sure, then, that you'll also remember how, just as things were really starting to sizzle, you took the petty amateur magician's route and pulled off the kind of disappearing act (and positively frightful PR move) that even David Blaine wouldn't dare attempt. Perhaps you'll also recall how, several months after said vanishing, you foolishly chose to wield the unsavory communication tools of Facebook like a rusty, chain-link mace, in a thinly veiled attempt at grabbing my wavering attention.
Given the context and circumstances of the above, I thought you might be interested to know that I've since spoken with an old acquaintance of yours, who shed light for me not only on your reckless routine of using and abusing poor, unsuspecting victims like me in order to further your fledgling career, but also on that little recreational habit of yours which has, within my circle of friends, earned you the nickname "Cokie Roberts." Mayhaps, you would now like to know that I am at least 1,000% over you.
Sniff-sniff, snort snort,
KittenFace
I'm sure that you remember this past summer, when we dated and everything was sweet and smiley and happy exciting kitten streamers of colorful fun. I'm sure, then, that you'll also remember how, just as things were really starting to sizzle, you took the petty amateur magician's route and pulled off the kind of disappearing act (and positively frightful PR move) that even David Blaine wouldn't dare attempt. Perhaps you'll also recall how, several months after said vanishing, you foolishly chose to wield the unsavory communication tools of Facebook like a rusty, chain-link mace, in a thinly veiled attempt at grabbing my wavering attention.
Given the context and circumstances of the above, I thought you might be interested to know that I've since spoken with an old acquaintance of yours, who shed light for me not only on your reckless routine of using and abusing poor, unsuspecting victims like me in order to further your fledgling career, but also on that little recreational habit of yours which has, within my circle of friends, earned you the nickname "Cokie Roberts." Mayhaps, you would now like to know that I am at least 1,000% over you.
Sniff-sniff, snort snort,
KittenFace
Dear Mom,
As we sat and watched TV, a Ben Affleck promo of some sort flashed upon the screen, you grabbed my hand and said, "There is your boyfriend! What is ____(an ex boyfriend that strongly resembled Ben Affleck in his debut) doing these days?"
So,now you care about my ex. The same one you shunned from our house and forbid me to date bc your friends didn't like him. The same one you refused to let me go to prom with so I went with someone else that left me there mid-prom to go out with his friends. This is the same guy /reason you refused to give me a long distance phone account in college (cutting me off from all friends - just so I couldn;t talk to him.) We were left to sneak about a'la Romeo and Juliet. But Romeo and Juliet is just a sad fairy tale with a sad ending. We walked away because of you - not because of our own volition, THAT will haunt and hurt forever. I don't know what would have been, I seriously doubtful that he would have been the one, but I am insulted that you have the gaul to bring him up and suddenly talk about him as my first love - when you denied that he even existed before. I did everything I could to respect you, despite my heart, and you still disrespect mine so many years later.
And the fact is this:Today, ____ is a really devout Christian man, he married a devout Christian woman and they just had a baby. I know this because, although he and I haven't spoken in years, he took the time to track me down to send me a birth announcement. So, he's not the greatest man for contacting me about that, but again...why would he want me to know if he and I didn't care...
How Dare You, Mom? Too little, too late is all to simple a statement. But to say anything more than that would be unbecoming of me. You're my parent and I will love you and respect you. But I'm forever broken. Any man I meet and I could potentially love, I have turned away so you can't ruin it. And any man that seems to meet your criteria is HORRIBLE on the inside bc your judgement is clearly fucked.
You denied his and my existence for so long, but now you are so worried that I am alone that you glorify bullshit past. Insulting. I am better than the damage done to me, so I take your sudden and completely surprising admission that ___ and I were in love as my carte blanche to *discreetly say fuck you to any complaints you ever make about my love life again. Here's to a new chapter, you bitch.
Happy Holidays,
blondie
As we sat and watched TV, a Ben Affleck promo of some sort flashed upon the screen, you grabbed my hand and said, "There is your boyfriend! What is ____(an ex boyfriend that strongly resembled Ben Affleck in his debut) doing these days?"
So,now you care about my ex. The same one you shunned from our house and forbid me to date bc your friends didn't like him. The same one you refused to let me go to prom with so I went with someone else that left me there mid-prom to go out with his friends. This is the same guy /reason you refused to give me a long distance phone account in college (cutting me off from all friends - just so I couldn;t talk to him.) We were left to sneak about a'la Romeo and Juliet. But Romeo and Juliet is just a sad fairy tale with a sad ending. We walked away because of you - not because of our own volition, THAT will haunt and hurt forever. I don't know what would have been, I seriously doubtful that he would have been the one, but I am insulted that you have the gaul to bring him up and suddenly talk about him as my first love - when you denied that he even existed before. I did everything I could to respect you, despite my heart, and you still disrespect mine so many years later.
And the fact is this:Today, ____ is a really devout Christian man, he married a devout Christian woman and they just had a baby. I know this because, although he and I haven't spoken in years, he took the time to track me down to send me a birth announcement. So, he's not the greatest man for contacting me about that, but again...why would he want me to know if he and I didn't care...
How Dare You, Mom? Too little, too late is all to simple a statement. But to say anything more than that would be unbecoming of me. You're my parent and I will love you and respect you. But I'm forever broken. Any man I meet and I could potentially love, I have turned away so you can't ruin it. And any man that seems to meet your criteria is HORRIBLE on the inside bc your judgement is clearly fucked.
You denied his and my existence for so long, but now you are so worried that I am alone that you glorify bullshit past. Insulting. I am better than the damage done to me, so I take your sudden and completely surprising admission that ___ and I were in love as my carte blanche to *discreetly say fuck you to any complaints you ever make about my love life again. Here's to a new chapter, you bitch.
Happy Holidays,
blondie
Dear hockey boy and your bff,
I've known you both since we were snotty 6 year olds playing on the elementary school field. I dated you in high school and even though we broke up there were no hard feelings. Now, we've been messing around for a few months on and off and I was pretty sure you were just my "movie partner" and nothing more. The night you weren't able to show up and your bff was bartending WAS going to suck without you there. Of course, quite unexpectedly, I fell for bff and ended up spending the night at his place, where we did nothing but cuddle despite other inclinations because neither of us would do that to you. I decided to do the right thing and tell you the truth: I've kind of fallen for your bff and we should probably lay off the sex for a while since, well, its wrong for me to be sleeping with you AND crushing on him.
Despite my clearly updstanding intentions and commendable respect for you and the truth, you are no longer talking to me. I feel like shit, and bff obvs. has to take care of you first before we can hang out again. I understand ALL of this. Now I'll probably lose our friendship, you'll be too upset to let bff and I hang out, and I will be left without my "movie partner" and no chance at a shot with the new crush.
Here's hoping that you'll see that I did an incredibly hard, but well intentioned thing by telling you and that everything will work out for all of us.
Hating the love triangle,
st
p.s. Thanks truth, who knew you'd turn out to be such a bitch.
I've known you both since we were snotty 6 year olds playing on the elementary school field. I dated you in high school and even though we broke up there were no hard feelings. Now, we've been messing around for a few months on and off and I was pretty sure you were just my "movie partner" and nothing more. The night you weren't able to show up and your bff was bartending WAS going to suck without you there. Of course, quite unexpectedly, I fell for bff and ended up spending the night at his place, where we did nothing but cuddle despite other inclinations because neither of us would do that to you. I decided to do the right thing and tell you the truth: I've kind of fallen for your bff and we should probably lay off the sex for a while since, well, its wrong for me to be sleeping with you AND crushing on him.
Despite my clearly updstanding intentions and commendable respect for you and the truth, you are no longer talking to me. I feel like shit, and bff obvs. has to take care of you first before we can hang out again. I understand ALL of this. Now I'll probably lose our friendship, you'll be too upset to let bff and I hang out, and I will be left without my "movie partner" and no chance at a shot with the new crush.
Here's hoping that you'll see that I did an incredibly hard, but well intentioned thing by telling you and that everything will work out for all of us.
Hating the love triangle,
st
p.s. Thanks truth, who knew you'd turn out to be such a bitch.
dear stomach,
would you please just explode already?
i'm sorry for being the dumbest bitch ever this morning and putting a whole bagel with cream cheese in you this morning after consuming approx. 98 cups of the hunch punch last night... but you're supposed to have carbohydrates after you drink, right?
WRONG.
i feel like asshole. please, god, just let me puke.
or kill me.
now.
i hate everything,
-c
would you please just explode already?
i'm sorry for being the dumbest bitch ever this morning and putting a whole bagel with cream cheese in you this morning after consuming approx. 98 cups of the hunch punch last night... but you're supposed to have carbohydrates after you drink, right?
WRONG.
i feel like asshole. please, god, just let me puke.
or kill me.
now.
i hate everything,
-c
Dear dude I was dating for like a second,
You're the first person I've dated like... ever after my failed 6 year relationship. So I just wanted to say thanks for showing me the ropes. You know, you act really cute and make me really like you, then proceed to take advantage of me, and finally you silently disappear. Now I know what to expect and why my single friends are so goddamn bitter. For the record, you aren't that good in the sack and I can (and will) upgrade soon.
Thanks for the memories asshole,
~LaDiva~
You're the first person I've dated like... ever after my failed 6 year relationship. So I just wanted to say thanks for showing me the ropes. You know, you act really cute and make me really like you, then proceed to take advantage of me, and finally you silently disappear. Now I know what to expect and why my single friends are so goddamn bitter. For the record, you aren't that good in the sack and I can (and will) upgrade soon.
Thanks for the memories asshole,
~LaDiva~
Dear blue balls,
Do you really exist? If so, can you compare the pain you cause a guy to something a girl can feel? Can it be so bad that you make a guy start limping?
I think I've met you, but not exactly sure. I'm going to go read my Sex For Dummies book to find out more...
Hoping there's an illustration,
Em
Do you really exist? If so, can you compare the pain you cause a guy to something a girl can feel? Can it be so bad that you make a guy start limping?
I think I've met you, but not exactly sure. I'm going to go read my Sex For Dummies book to find out more...
Hoping there's an illustration,
Em
Dear Condesending Public,
Just because I'm more logical, some-what knowledgable and a bit smater than you doesn't mean you have to snub my wisdom with that very condesending line "You're only 14, what did you know?"
What do I know? A lot actually.
I know that momzy is actually whispering about sex to her asteemed friends. Yes, I can hear you. And yes, I know what sex is.
I know that my neighbour has a really bad addition to her house, and only the deperate will be wiling to pay rent for such an ugly house, even though people tell me that the brick-face and bad positioning in fact isn't that bad I can tell those people one thing...it is. It's hideous.
So yes, I have real opinions. Deal with it.
Blowing off some steam,
Bu
Just because I'm more logical, some-what knowledgable and a bit smater than you doesn't mean you have to snub my wisdom with that very condesending line "You're only 14, what did you know?"
What do I know? A lot actually.
I know that momzy is actually whispering about sex to her asteemed friends. Yes, I can hear you. And yes, I know what sex is.
I know that my neighbour has a really bad addition to her house, and only the deperate will be wiling to pay rent for such an ugly house, even though people tell me that the brick-face and bad positioning in fact isn't that bad I can tell those people one thing...it is. It's hideous.
So yes, I have real opinions. Deal with it.
Blowing off some steam,
Bu
Dear Creeper 101
What the fuck? Seriously. Even after making the terms of our "relationship" clear, you still call me, text me, talk to me and pretty much need me like a pathetic little puppy.
Normally, this would appeal to me, but after being screwed over by a gay boyfriend (who i didn't know was gay-haha) who left me for the father of my friend's child, I'm done with the commitment and all the other bullshit that goes with over-hormonal loved-up and delusional teens. Even after you profusely apologised, i still think you are fucking psycho: that doesn't change just because I made you see the light.
Tired of creepers,
Bu
What the fuck? Seriously. Even after making the terms of our "relationship" clear, you still call me, text me, talk to me and pretty much need me like a pathetic little puppy.
Normally, this would appeal to me, but after being screwed over by a gay boyfriend (who i didn't know was gay-haha) who left me for the father of my friend's child, I'm done with the commitment and all the other bullshit that goes with over-hormonal loved-up and delusional teens. Even after you profusely apologised, i still think you are fucking psycho: that doesn't change just because I made you see the light.
Tired of creepers,
Bu
Dear Boys who have been in my life over the past 3 years,
I am just starting to realized that you all have one thing in common. Last names that are nouns. A bird, a vegetable, an object............I mean seriously?!?!?! Do I have some secret problem with my own last name that I am compensating for? Whatever the reason, I'm loving it, so............keep em' coming!
Wondering who's next,
D
I am just starting to realized that you all have one thing in common. Last names that are nouns. A bird, a vegetable, an object............I mean seriously?!?!?! Do I have some secret problem with my own last name that I am compensating for? Whatever the reason, I'm loving it, so............keep em' coming!
Wondering who's next,
D
Dear Blacking Out,
Aha! I've been wondering if we were ever going to meet. I'm amazed I made it this far in my charmed life without bumping into you, you asshole. You see, baby, I was blessed with a built in mechanism called "a weak stomach" that always had me gracefully hovering over the Porcelain Goddess before you'd roll in.
But about last night... You're not all fratarded fun and games like I sometimes hear about, eh? You're actually nothing but an embarrassing date that haunts me in the form of flashbacks and scoldings. And you're a liar. You were like, "Haha, let's say totally outlandish things to people who will later harshly judge us! Everyone's doing it!" No, Blacking Out, not everyone was doing it. And they weren't giggling or falling down either. And sending me outside in a just a T-shirt when I live in the damn tundra? That was just mean.
I gave you a chance, but I'm afraid you're just not my type. Go find yourself a high schooler who doesn't know better.
Back off,
Eloise
Aha! I've been wondering if we were ever going to meet. I'm amazed I made it this far in my charmed life without bumping into you, you asshole. You see, baby, I was blessed with a built in mechanism called "a weak stomach" that always had me gracefully hovering over the Porcelain Goddess before you'd roll in.
But about last night... You're not all fratarded fun and games like I sometimes hear about, eh? You're actually nothing but an embarrassing date that haunts me in the form of flashbacks and scoldings. And you're a liar. You were like, "Haha, let's say totally outlandish things to people who will later harshly judge us! Everyone's doing it!" No, Blacking Out, not everyone was doing it. And they weren't giggling or falling down either. And sending me outside in a just a T-shirt when I live in the damn tundra? That was just mean.
I gave you a chance, but I'm afraid you're just not my type. Go find yourself a high schooler who doesn't know better.
Back off,
Eloise
Dear blue-eyed boy who danced with me and shyly flirted,
Thank you for proving decent boys still exist. Thanks for the butterflies, and thanks for getting my mind off the d-bag who leads me on despite his 3-year relationship. Oh, and thanks for having blue eyes. You're adorable and I can't wait for you to call me back.
This will probs end in disappointment,
WandererChick
Thank you for proving decent boys still exist. Thanks for the butterflies, and thanks for getting my mind off the d-bag who leads me on despite his 3-year relationship. Oh, and thanks for having blue eyes. You're adorable and I can't wait for you to call me back.
This will probs end in disappointment,
WandererChick
Dear life,
You know you are really into a guy when you agree to be in his grad school research study and let him weigh you, measure your body fat, and put blood pressure cuffs all over your body (which for the record DOES hurt). I'm pretty sure this guy could ask me to do pretty much anything and I'd blush and nod. I really need to get a grip...
~LaDiva~
You know you are really into a guy when you agree to be in his grad school research study and let him weigh you, measure your body fat, and put blood pressure cuffs all over your body (which for the record DOES hurt). I'm pretty sure this guy could ask me to do pretty much anything and I'd blush and nod. I really need to get a grip...
~LaDiva~
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)