Dear Mom,

Thanks for getting upset with me and pulling your best "yetta" impression before hanging up on me when I simply asked you why you didn't tell me you were taking Dad to the hospital this morning and I had to hear about it from the guys at work. I'm sorry, I didn't know that it was our boss's responsibiltiy to tell me that Dad was in the ER with more heart probs.

Desperately trying to become a psychic and/or mind reader to make your life easier,
Your Daughter

Dear Dad,

I can't believe you just called me only to ask me the rat's name in teenage mutant ninja turtles.

Splinter. Doy.

Your Best Lifeline,
A

Dear Mom,

You are busting my fucking balls. Lay off me, I did need those fabulous grey platform booties and no, I will not be paying you any money for rent. What a crock of shit. I am not 10 years old and contrary to popular belief, do know how to budget my money. $100 for shoes, Zero dollars for you. See how that works? Thank God I am getting out of this hell hole soon.

Counting down the days,

G

Dear Dad,

Your e-mail just made me smile times infinity. How cute are you asking me to forward you the paper I've been working on so you can keep up with what I'm interested in. Ugh, I can't take it. That was so sweet. You're the best dad ever.

:),
A

Dear Mom and Dad,

I know you were elated that at long-last, I brought another boy home. You unabashedly expressed your approval of his charming demeanor, well-established career, and financial investments. You couldn't hide that you were totally in love with him. That makes three of us. However, you need to curb your crush on your imagined future son-in-law. Not to burst your bubble, but he likes the donger as much as your daughter. Sorry for shitting on your dreams.

Love,
A

Dear Subconscious Mind,

Last night I had a dream that I was called into a meeting at work with 10 supervisors and my mother. They all accused me of being drunk, however, I was completely sober. No one would effing believe me. I kept saying, "I'm 23! I'm a GROWN UP! Is it REALLY NECESSARY that SHE be here?!", with my mom forcefully interjecting "Yes" in her scary voice. This was not a particularly cryptic dream, but it just proves I still think my mother is trying to control my life and that everyone thinks I have a drinking problem. Here's my response: You can get off me, Mom. And pass me that shot glass.

A

Dear Mom,

I see you stopped by my apartment (unannounced) whilst I was at work today. I also see you opened my desk drawer to find a pen to leave me a note. The same drawer with my vibrator in it. Awesome.

I get bored, ok?
A

P.S. All I have to say is I'm glad my giant black dildo is currently in the laundry room.

Dear Dad,

I am so petrified that you, my model for God, are, one day, going to die.

Chris

Dear Dad,

Thanks for accusing me of being immature then hanging up on me twice in a row.

Nice Logic,
a

Dear Mom and Dad,

Thank you for never failing to remind me why I hate going home. Nothing says Memorial Day like some routine berating.

No Really, I Needed a Good Cry,
A

Dear Mom,

At this point I am very aware that I am due for an emissions check and that my car has a recall on it. There is no need to remind me of this by calling me every morning at 8 a.m. for a week straight. Woman, you are relentless. God love ya.

Love,
A

Dear Parents,

Thank you for being so cool with me being gay. I'm sorry I announced it over email. That was curt. Does this mean that I can bang boys in your bed when you're not home?

Curious,
Chris

Dear Mrs. C,

Thank you for preparing a beautiful sunday brunch to celebrate the resurrection of our Lord, Jesus Christ. It was lovely. Please forgive me for saying "fucking" at the table. I was merely expressing what runs through my mind and I'm sure that of your children every 5.3 seconds.

Happy Easter!
Justin