Dear Lifers,

I'm a good person, I swear.  When Nashville had a 500 year flood, I helped with the cleanup effort. When a crisis happens somewhere in the world, I break out the check book.  I give money to homeless people. Is it sick that a part of me is praying for the nuclear meltdown in Japan to actually happen?

Sick,
C

Dear Vagina,

I am not liking the amount of control you seem to have over my life.  I thought we'd talked about this... just because a guy makes you tingle, doesn't mean he's good for us!  In fact, you only seem to "tingle" with the guys who are terrible for us!  Can't you work with me here? Just throw me a bone (heh) and for once, just turn a blind eye. Don't make me start banging some new guy who may or may not be a convicted felon drug dealer with no serious plans for the future or desire for a serious, long term relationship.  Please, vagina... don't do this. :(

Irma

Dear New Boy,

You spend most of your time watching movies and smoking pot and you make your living off selling drugs.  But you are completely adorable, plus you have decent sex skills.  I think I'm gonna keep you for a little while. :)

<3 Irma

P.S. Yeah, I know I have major self-destructive dating issues, I'll deal with that in therapy when I have some decent insurance.

Omfg.

Dear Aunt/family-
You are stressing me the fuck out. Your ignoring tactics/crazy is really getting to me. I'm really sorry I asked to live here because you made the suggestion a few months ago. Your screaming and rude grandchildren are OUT OF CONTROL OMG CONTROL THEM PLEASE. Also, please stop fighting with everyone and saying mean things. I'm sorry for existing. Merry Fucking Christmas.
Terrified to tell you I am moving in less than a week,
-cj
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Dear Idiot Vagina,

I know I recently consented to give you 90% deciding power in our life, but you gotta work with me here.  You are turning our sex/love life into such a cliche that I am wondering if I'm not having some kind of extreme hallucination or I'm in a stupid movie.  You've got me falling for the epitome of Bad Decisions!  A motorcycle riding, felony havin' drug dealer who has no interest in "getting serious".  Really?  REALLY, Vagina?? 

At least it'll be a fun ride before it crashes and burns and I'm left alone, weeping dramatically and swearing off men forever,
Irma

Dear Really Nice Guy I'm Dating,

You are practically perfect, you listen to what I say, buy me flowers for no reason and want to spend all of your time with me.  So what's the problem?!?!  Why do I not feel the same way at all???  You even bought me a bracelet for my birthday and gave it to me under the stars.  You are everything I thought I wanted, yet it still feels like something is missing.  Why can't you be a little bit of a bad ass?  Maybe then I would feel differently. 

Trying to figure out how to break things off with Mr.Right,

-D