dear stomach,

would you please just explode already?
i'm sorry for being the dumbest bitch ever this morning and putting a whole bagel with cream cheese in you this morning after consuming approx. 98 cups of the hunch punch last night... but you're supposed to have carbohydrates after you drink, right?


i feel like asshole. please, god, just let me puke.
or kill me.


i hate everything,
Dear dude I was dating for like a second,

You're the first person I've dated like... ever after my failed 6 year relationship. So I just wanted to say thanks for showing me the ropes. You know, you act really cute and make me really like you, then proceed to take advantage of me, and finally you silently disappear. Now I know what to expect and why my single friends are so goddamn bitter. For the record, you aren't that good in the sack and I can (and will) upgrade soon.

Thanks for the memories asshole,
Dear absentee roommate who just happened to show up this morning to find several prescription bottles, a stack of $20s, two empty bottles of vodka and a couple pairs of underwear strewn across the floor,

I'd tell you the truth behind these circumstances, but that'd be way less fun.

Dear blue balls,

Do you really exist? If so, can you compare the pain you cause a guy to something a girl can feel? Can it be so bad that you make a guy start limping?

I think I've met you, but not exactly sure. I'm going to go read my Sex For Dummies book to find out more...

Hoping there's an illustration,
Dear Condesending Public,

Just because I'm more logical, some-what knowledgable and a bit smater than you doesn't mean you have to snub my wisdom with that very condesending line "You're only 14, what did you know?"
What do I know? A lot actually.
I know that momzy is actually whispering about sex to her asteemed friends. Yes, I can hear you. And yes, I know what sex is.
I know that my neighbour has a really bad addition to her house, and only the deperate will be wiling to pay rent for such an ugly house, even though people tell me that the brick-face and bad positioning in fact isn't that bad I can tell those people one is. It's hideous.
So yes, I have real opinions. Deal with it.

Blowing off some steam,

Dear Creeper 101

What the fuck? Seriously. Even after making the terms of our "relationship" clear, you still call me, text me, talk to me and pretty much need me like a pathetic little puppy.

Normally, this would appeal to me, but after being screwed over by a gay boyfriend (who i didn't know was gay-haha) who left me for the father of my friend's child, I'm done with the commitment and all the other bullshit that goes with over-hormonal loved-up and delusional teens. Even after you profusely apologised, i still think you are fucking psycho: that doesn't change just because I made you see the light.

Tired of creepers,
Dear Boys who have been in my life over the past 3 years,

I am just starting to realized that you all have one thing in common. Last names that are nouns. A bird, a vegetable, an object............I mean seriously?!?!?! Do I have some secret problem with my own last name that I am compensating for? Whatever the reason, I'm loving it, so............keep em' coming!

Wondering who's next,

Dear Blacking Out,

Aha! I've been wondering if we were ever going to meet. I'm amazed I made it this far in my charmed life without bumping into you, you asshole. You see, baby, I was blessed with a built in mechanism called "a weak stomach" that always had me gracefully hovering over the Porcelain Goddess before you'd roll in.

But about last night... You're not all fratarded fun and games like I sometimes hear about, eh? You're actually nothing but an embarrassing date that haunts me in the form of flashbacks and scoldings. And you're a liar. You were like, "Haha, let's say totally outlandish things to people who will later harshly judge us! Everyone's doing it!" No, Blacking Out, not everyone was doing it. And they weren't giggling or falling down either. And sending me outside in a just a T-shirt when I live in the damn tundra? That was just mean.

I gave you a chance, but I'm afraid you're just not my type. Go find yourself a high schooler who doesn't know better.

Back off,
Dear blue-eyed boy who danced with me and shyly flirted,

Thank you for proving decent boys still exist. Thanks for the butterflies, and thanks for getting my mind off the d-bag who leads me on despite his 3-year relationship. Oh, and thanks for having blue eyes. You're adorable and I can't wait for you to call me back.

This will probs end in disappointment,
Dear life,

You know you are really into a guy when you agree to be in his grad school research study and let him weigh you, measure your body fat, and put blood pressure cuffs all over your body (which for the record DOES hurt). I'm pretty sure this guy could ask me to do pretty much anything and I'd blush and nod. I really need to get a grip...

Dear Mom,

I never thought you would be a reason for me to think our family is white trash, but your behavior lately has proven otherwise. And moreover, by lately, I mean over THANKSGIVING.

Not only did you spend 2 out of the 4 nights I was home at your boyfriend's house, but then you basically stole my credit card. For his purchases, I think. But even if not, WHAT. THE. FUCK. What was going through your head when you said to yourself, "of course it's okay to use someone's credit card without telling them" ?!?

Now I know exactly what my older brother was talking about when he said to never, EVER let family borrow money. I assume you screwed him over at some point too, and that's why he's so stingy.

It would be different if it were around $20 and you had forgotten to tell me or something. But you KNEW what you were doing. Not to mention that it was like SIX purchases totaling over $200! REALLY.

Why isn't it possible to disown your parents?
Dear Grandma,

I know I'm staying with you for free and the whole deal isn't bad... But I could really do without the disapproving glares when I roll in at 10 am the morning after my date still wearing the same clothes from the night before. Come on I'm 23... and FYI yes we slept in the same bed and we had sex and it was hot! I really need roommates who aren't in their 70's!

Love your floozy granddaughter,
Dear Super-Awesome Girl:

I think I’m in deep shit.

Yeah, we like each other. I actually like you so much I’m stupid. I don’t know what I’m doing.

I went to a wedding by myself two weekends ago. No biggie, right?

It’s not like we’ve been seeing each other seriously, anyway. You’re on the road working, like always, so you weren’t even ABLE to go to this wedding. But it’s not like I got invited to bring a guest in any case.

Plus my buddy’s bride-to-be’s friends are HAWT…and I’ve mad crushed on buddy-groom’s dishy little sis since college.

So I fly into Austin, where the wedding is. I’m in the wedding party, so I meet everybody. His family LOVES me. I chill with his dad and bullshit about all his future daughter in law’s hottie friends.

And my other, “not-getting-married-and-totally-from-a-different-circle” buddy who just happens to be a DJ (but isn’t attending the wedding) also lives in Austin.
So after the reception, my boy’s gear is set up in the phat SUITE I have all to myself, and he spins a sick afterparty . DJ boy feels like the lotto winner because he gets to meet all the girls who, as always, jock the DJ.

Plus the night manager gets a fat bribe from my forward-thinking self, so he doesn’t care two shits about the noise.

It’s perfect, right? Bridesmaids, my buddy’s sister, and other bunnies, all in the mood to party, are whooping it up in my room…and oh yeah, some dudes, too. And we have a blast without any worries about complaints.

I feel like I'm pimp o' the week.

And as things wrap up around 3am, DJ boy disappears with somebunny back to her room, leaving me alone with two girls: super-hot half-Japanese I-Banker girl from NYC…and groom’s drunk sis who keeps putting her hands on me.

And I think to myself, “I can PICK…or maybe even have BOTH stay.” It's totally possible. I mean, I could really...truly...conceivably pull this off.

But, Super-Awesome Girl…you fucked everything up.

All I had to do is be smooth…but I kept thinking about YOU goddamit. I had two girls in my room, neither who wanted to be the one to leave, and I’m focused on YOU, a girl in another fucking city…who might not even be serious about me.

I spend YEARS waiting and working to create moments like this. This will likely never happen again. And I can’t get Super-Awesome girl out of my head. I’m FUUUUUCKED.

So I say, “I’m tired.” And I-Banker girl looks at me like I’m retarded (I am) and she leaves. And buddy’s sister takes the clue to climb on me…and I have to tell her “no.”

Little sister is really angry and hurt, and gets tears in her eyes and says something about how she could tell I’ve liked her since forever, and that I’m mean and stupid and crazy, and she’s embarrassed. She’s right on all counts. I’m totally a dick.

But I say I’m sorry. I just can’t hook up with her. I literally walk her out the door and shove it shut saying some bullshit about how “no…you’re my best friend’s sister…this is wrong.” (Even though I don’t have any qualms about that at ALL…my real issue is you on the brain, Super-Awesome Girl.)

Drunken sister stays at the door, knocking softly, for a LONG time.

And when she finally leaves, I pick up the phone and call you, Super-Awesome Girl…just so I can hear your voice. You’re all sleepy and annoyed at being woken up, but we chat about the wedding and I th ink about how your hair smells like roses from your conditioner or shampoo or some other girlie lotion-type shit.

…and you have no idea how bad I have it for you and what stupid shit that makes me do.

If this is “falling in love,” it can go fuck itself. I hate being pathetic.

Dragging defeat from the jaws of victory,
- Super-pathetic T
Dear Lifers,

When and how much "talking dirty" is ok? I got a glimpse of it on hook-up #1 and saw it in full action on hook-up #2. Is this too early? What does this say about him?

And how am I supposed to respond back? Currently I am just not saying anything. I know that sooner or later I'm not going to be able to pull off a moan in response...but I've never said things like that.

Is silence really golden?
Dear titillating sex dream with my co-worker,

Ok, I get it. I have a crush on the co-worker, he has a crush on me. Our flirting is way obvi to everyone in the office. We aren't having real sex because he has a girlfriend, so we have hot sex in my dreams instead. But, um, next time, can his GF please not be there, walking in on us right before our happy ending? Dreams are supposed to avoid reality, not rub reality in my face.

Hoping for more spanking and less guilt next time around,

Dear boy that I am newly semi-dating,

When I told you I was a bad driver, I meant it.

I didn't mean to back into a ditch while backing out of your driveway, but what proceeded to happen was pretty funny...

I tried to get out, but my car started smelling badly and there was no moving it. So I call you. Twice. You don't answer. So I'm forced to go up to your house and ring the doorbell. I was going to just walk straight in, but the door is locked. At this point the dog is barking and you make it to the door. You look at me kind of puzzled. It was almost as if you thought I had changed my mind and wanted to stay the night. Your house alarm went was a fiasco. So finally I get inside and I'm like "uhhh I backed into a ditch" And you are like...what??? And like I guess you don't believe me. So you start like trying to kiss me and I'm like..."No...seriously...this isn't an excuse to stay the night...I backed into a ditch as I was leaving!" So I finally get you outside and you're like "How the hell did that happen? Have you been drinking?" So you try to get me out and can't.
*We're still not even at the best part yet.*
We then decide that you are going to push my car out of the ditch as I hit the accelarator. That doesn't work. So you're like "Put it in the reverse and then immediately hit the gas."
So I put the car in reverse, but kind of freak out b/c it starts rolling backwards pretty quickly. Then I realize. Shitttt. You are behind the car and I just RAN YOU OVER!!!
I put the car in park and hop out and am like OMG OMG OMG I'm sooooo sorry!!! You lost your shoe and were pretty stunned. But I was like laughing b/c I was so embarassed. You were fine with it. And as you were finally getting my car out of the ditch, you were laughing pretty hard too.
Does this mean our next date is cancelled?

Hope your foot is ok,
Dear boy that I am newly semi-dating,

When I told you I was a bad driver, I meant it.

I didn't mean to back into a ditch while backing out of your driveway, but what proceeded to happen was pretty funny...

I tried to get out, but my car started smelling badly and there was no moving it. So I call you. Twice. You don't answer. So I'm forced to go up to your house and ring the doorbell. I was going to just walk straight in, but the door is locked. At this point the dog is barking and you make it to the door. You look at me kind of puzzled. It was almost as if you thought I had changed my mind and wanted to stay the night. Your house alarm went was a fiasco. So finally I get inside and I'm like "uhhh I backed into a ditch" And you are like...what??? And like I guess you don't believe me. So you start like trying to kiss me and I'm like..."No...seriously...this isn't an excuse to stay the night...I backed into a ditch as I was leaving!" So I finally get you outside and you're like "How the hell did that happen? Have you been drinking?" So you try to get me out and can't.
*We're still not even at the best part yet.*
We then decide that you are going to push my car out of the ditch as I hit the accelarator. That doesn't work. So you're like "Put it in the reverse and then immediately hit the gas."
So I put the car in reverse, but kind of freak out b/c it starts rolling backwards pretty quickly. Then I realize. Shitttt. You are behind the car and I just RAN YOU OVER!!!
I put the car in park and hop out and am like OMG OMG OMG I'm sooooo sorry!!! You lost your shoe and were pretty stunned. But I was like laughing b/c I was so embarassed. You were fine with it. And as you were finally getting my car out of the ditch, you were laughing pretty hard too.
Does this mean our next date is cancelled?

Hope your foot is ok,
Where have you gone? I used to have something that resembled you around here somewhere. But I think you got lost in the office and the home office. And the reports being run at 2:00 AM and the bigoted asshole boss that deserves my heel in his ass.
Dear A-Life,

A-Life, you don't gotta be much, I'm easy to please - but I need you. It was pitiful enough that I would be thrilled to have time for just one night out with friends, that usually ended in me going home early in exhaustion and disortientation. But now that is gone.

My Tivo has begun deleting itself. My friends have all but written me off. My trainer thinks I'm lazy when I am in fact still just at the office when I miss our appointments. I did not shave my legs for the MONTH of October. Unacceptable. I'm a cute girl with a lot to offer. Let's balance out this business and pleasure thing. Come back to me baby. I need you.

All work and no play makes blondie a dull girl.

Dear Girl at the Bus Stop,

Sorry I wasn't more talkative this morning, but I was kind of tired when you sneakily sidled up to me, stood way too close and complimented my earrings. That would have been fine, but I was a bit more spooked when you followed me onto the bus,sat down directly next to me (the entire bus was empty but us) and proceeded to chatter away about your unemployment, your overweight boyfriend with turrets who you met in rehab and the fact that you had both a cold and the stomach flu. It was the latter point that made me less than overjoyed when you spontaneously hugged me. So, sorry for seeming unfriendly but it was just a bit much for 8am, pre-caffeine. I don't feel too bad because you definatly didn't notice my discomfort and rising panic as you prattled on about your awkward social skills.

Jesus I need to buy a car,

Dear Gawky Teen Target Employee,

I rolled up to your register at 6 pm Sunday with a basket full of skimpy underwear, baby oil and condoms. The look of awe on your face, kind of priceless. I wish I led as exciting a life as I'm sure you are imagining.

Not SUCH a dirty slut,


Yeah, THIS was the post I meant to put up...

You were probably wondering why I posted that other Joe Cocker video. Don't worry, I don't actually care about his music....this just made me laugh. A lot.

Dear America,

I know I've been kind of distant for the last eight years, but I wanted to take a minute to say good job. Hell, I'll go a step further and even say that I'm proud of you. Damn proud. (I know - it's a new and confusing feeling for me too.) Turns out, it feels pretty good. What do you say we try and keep this up? I'm down if you are.

First time 'U-S-A, U-S-A!' chanter,

Dear California,

Dude. We need to talk. You're supposed to be the forward-looking example to the rest of the nation. Instead, you decided to take a page from the history books (an unsuccessful one, I might add) and give the old 'separate but equal' thing a try. What gives? You and I both know I have always been way closer to you than the nation as a whole. But just because I'm enjoying this whole newfound national pride thing does not mean you should feel threatened! And there's definitely no need to act out and deny a group of citizens any rights because you're feeling insecure about your citizens' affections one day.

Now, what do you say we go ahead and have the State Supreme Court help the ACLU & Co. get this crap off the books and restore your good name? Because you and I both know you're better than this. So sack up already, admit you made a mistake, and right this wrong!

Waiting for you to remove your head from your ass and stop the h8te,

Take your "SAVE 25% THIS FALL!!!" and shove it. I want my money back from the last huge disastrous heartbreak you caused. I haven't even shaved my legs since I got dumped. THREE.WEEKS.AGO.

Lick My Hairy Legs,
Dear DTR talk,

What does it mean when I finally have you after 2 months and the guy on the other end says "I really like hanging out with you, but I'm not looking for anything serious right now?" Then he asks you to go see a movie with him??
Should I have responded with "Good to know since I've been sleeping with someone else?" I didn't...but I almost wish I would have.

Wishing the DTR was more defined,
Dear guy I'm totally crushing on,

Let's just talk about this natural high you have me on. I think about you all the time and have so much fun when we hang out. Kissing you is awesome and I wish I could spend a majority of the day doing it. Suddenly I don't feel like eating. Forget about sleeping-- I stay up at all hours thinking about you and wondering if you like me. When you call me I get all jittery. I'm totally addicted and I love it. If it could stay this way forever it would be amazing!!

Need another fix asap,
Dear Guys I Hunt Ducks With:

You're ruining home for me. After this weekend, I want to pretend I'm from somewhere else. Our generations of heading into the marsh together might be done. You aren't good people at heart. You're racist, inbred shits who shiver in fear of change or challenge.

I doubt you know it, but I used to idolize you all. I wanted so badly for you to think I was "cool." You were always better at sports, more popular with prettier girls, and driving great cars when I rarely got to borrow my mom's rusted, busted-ass "Ford Country Squire" station wagon. You teased me for being insecure and quiet, for liking stuff beyond sports, guns and cars. But for the most part you let me be around you and were never overly cruel or obnoxious to me. You let me in, and I loved you for it like brothers.

Since we were all kids, going duck hunting with you has been a high point in the year. Members of our families have hunted together for three generations. We all know the same stories about these historic trips. Most of you still live out in the "heartland." Those of you who still own farms have to work extra jobs: usually in government - as jail guards, postmen, maintenance guys, part-time firemen or social workers - just to keep things going. I'm aware that it's tough. Most of you didn't go to college like I did. Only two of you who went actually got degrees. None of you served in the military or went to grad school. Several of us have moved away, but we've all made the trips back to go duck hunting as often as we can. I've done so without fail excepting when I was overseas.

Your snide comments about my accomplishments have increased in sharpness every year. Having to quit drinking didn't make use closer, either, it's hard to bond over booze when I'm retired.

Ironically, though, I've pushed myself to "not fail" since I moved away because, at least in part, I still hold myself to the standard I imagine I have to achieve so that you will like me. That was a totally backwards thing to feel, I know, because each new thing I do makes actually us more and more "unlike." But part of me still dreads coming back with my tail between my legs to scorn - so I make sure I always return with stories of achivement.

Since leaving home, and especially when I lived in NYC and SF, I have encountered people who look down on "hicks." I've always rabidly defended you from the snotty remarks of urbanite intellectuals. I've insisted you and others like you the nation over are NOT rednecks, but actually the most reliable and decent people on earth.

I think that's just what I want you to be...and maybe I shouldn't have played the part of your apologist.

Many of you have always said the occasional thing to make me cringe: racist jokes, nasty homophobic or religiously demeaning quips and stories, but I never attributed this to true malice. I had never seen any of you as nasty as I did this weekend:

Katrina jokes; Obama assassination jokes; really shitty religious slurs when we played cards at night, and; a constant harrangue on politics.

I am repelled and ashamed. I feel like explaining how I'm really NOT like you all...and erasing my connections with you and apologising to people for ever having had the urge to be like you. I resent feeling this way - I wish some of you would aspire to be as I imagined the same I aspired to be something I imagined you might admire.

You break my fucking heart and make me want to hide my head...

Longing for some rose-colored glasses,

(start at 2:20)
Dear boy,
I realize we were both sloshed Friday night, but what's up with the fucking Hiroshima you gave me on my neck? Hickies? Seriously? Why, no, I did not intend to be a sexually active sixth grader for Halloween. It looks like I got mauled by a polar bear or have leprosy or the neck herp. And despite the solid inch of stage make-up I applied this morning, my neck still looks like the Baghdad of make-out sessions. As if anyone believes I had an allergic reaction to my Halloween costume of primarily cotton and hairspray.

Helping the economy with my scarf purchases,
Dear doctor,
Thank you for finally making me feel better, but there’s a little problem with the treatment plan you’ve prescribed.

You see, sir, I’m pretty much high all the time. Somewhere along the way, the combination of pills you gave me to make me not have seizures and stuff turned me into a 15-year-old Halo player with the munchies.

While this was totally hilarious for, like, a week, being perma-baked is way less fun than I ever would have imagined. I giggle a lot. And fall on things. And creep on my coworkers. Which is more fun when you do it on purpose. I think my body is eventually supposed to adjust to this, but I’m not sure how much longer I can live in this world that vaguely resembles Oz.

Flyin’ high along the yellow brick road,

P.S. Did that make any sense? I have no idea what I just wrote. As previously mentioned, I’m pretty hopped up. Like whoa.
dear c's first frat party,

you know when you watch cheap shitty college movies and the characters go to the most epic party in the world?
you were like that, only better. you had an 8-foot-tall monster head with punch pouring out of its nose, a 20-foot-wide pit filled with ice and natty light, and almost-naked sluts galore.. of which i was one, of course. you made it almost effortless for me to get completely obliterated and make a variety of bad choices in public.. and perhaps under a stairwell.

but mostly, i appreciate the opportunity you provided for me to be the girl that fell FLAT ON HER ASS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DANCE FLOOR.
one second i'm grinding on a frat boy, the next i'm sitting cross legged on the floor staring up the skanky cop dress of my laughing best friend.

i think we should start seeing each other muuuuch more often.

so worth the "monster" headache (get it, because it's halloween!?!11?),
Dear Dana Bash:

Your face is fug and it drives me fucking nuts to have to see it all day long on CNN. Why can't you go to Fox, where I will never see you?? GAAAHH!! DIE ALREADY!!

Dear Self,

How, exactly, did you manage to put your underwear on backward this morning? I know you were upset about, uh, life in general, but seriously?

Questioning my sanity,
Dear "Day of Bad News,"

Man, fuck you. So first of all, after my workplace has been dissolving into heartbreaking disarray and backstabbing since this weekend, my staff's adviser had to go and take the side of the board of trustees. Aka not our side, not the side of the people he's supposed to be here for. Sucks. Day two of divisiveness and threatened walkouts by people who are really important and really, really good at there jobs. Do I stay loyal to the place I love or to the people who taught me how and why to love it? And, of course, in such a state my work for tomorrow isn't as good as it should be. Which I hate. But whatever, it's one day.

But then one of my dear friends, who's also in this work mess, had to find out her friend has really serious cancer. After already recently learning her best friend also has serious cancer. And both of these people are younger than 25. And then my housemate found out her grandfather has 3 months to live. Not enough time.

And then in my listlessness I decided to browse Facebook (shoulda seen this as a bad sign) where I came across wall posts to my Latin lover in German from an Ecuadorian girl who posts on his wall all the damn time. Spanish I know, but not German. Neither does he. Now having a lady friend is totally fine, but writing to my man in German that you love him in your life and want to marry him is a really bad idea. It's the internet, people can figure that shit out. He's all yours, what the fuck ever, just wish I didn't already buy that plane ticket across the ocean to see him in a month and a half. I also wish I didn't have to live with the fact that I could have been really, really happy with this wonderful person for a long time if it wasn't for the ocean between us and a country that sees brown skin as reason enough to deny someone a worker's visa. All this time I was feeling good about talking him out of illigally crossing the border into the U.S. to see me, you were just making your move. Espero que te vaya muy mal en tu vida, puta. Y sabes que es muchisimo mas importante aprender ingles que alemania, chika tonta.

And I wish 19-year-olds didn't have to get pancreatic cancer. And that life could just go back to how it was last Friday.

Sorry if this is emo, just needed to let it all out. Better news tomorrow?

Dear loudmouthed guy sitting next to me,

We get it, you are a douche bag. No need to continue to scream across the room to make fun of your friend for hanging with his "significant other" this weekend. And yes, YOU made air quotes around the phrase significant other. If you scream out another profanity I will stab you in the eye with my pen. This is not a bar, this is a law campus which means your peers, professors, and future bosses are all sitting around reconsidering their views on selective breeding.

PLEASE use protection,
Dear Parents,

Thank you for sealing the deal that I don't believe in romantic love or marriage. Thank you for ripping my insides out. It's such a great Sunday afternoon when your father calls to tell you that after 38 years of marriage, he's left your mother. And it gets even better that when you talk to your mother, she's more worried that the toilet isn't working than the fact that her marriage is in ruins. Oh and by the way didn't she already tell me she may have cancer and is having a serious operation later this week? And could I please call Dad and let him know? You failed to realize your ploys would send me into a complete hysterical panic attack, and oh, sorry. It's just a standard biopsy. Exaggerate much?

Grow the fuck up and be adults. I am your youngest child, so why am I counseling you both through your lies and petty bullshit? Stop with the emotional blackmail. Stop with the lies. I love you both, but I will completely remove myself from this toxic family if I need to self preserve. Whether your marriage survives this or not, our relationship may not.

You have made it completely impossible to have empathy or even real concern for you because I no longer believe a word that comes out of either of your mouths. I just can't take another day of this. Please fix this insanity, even if it means divorce, just fix it like adults. And if you can't pull it together just enough to do so, then leave me alone.

seceeding from this fucked union,
Dear boy,

I may have pretended to be pissed when you showed up at my place at 3am, but I am incredibly grateful for our time spent together.
You paid $200 to be driven to my place because your car was broken down, told me that you were scared to get serious with me because you didn't think you were what I wanted out of life and made my abs hurt this morning after all the fun we had.
It was also pretty cute that when I told you I think all I want out of this is a hook-up buddy, that you responded by grabbing my hand to hold, talked about coming home with me for Thanksgiving and were disgusted that I wanted to be a kissing booth for Halloweener.

As much as I try to be the boy in this relationship and not care about feelings...I find myself wanting you around...

Welp see you in 4 weeks...maybe?

Dear life,

I figured out the best way to get over my ex. You go out on Friday night with friends and meet a cute boy and make out with him... then you hang out again Sunday and make out some more. I'm so excited about the new guy that the old one seems so yesterday....

yay for 1st base!!
Dear Today:

You KNEW I was wearing a very thin, white outfit to the Halloween party tonight, didn't you? So you sent torrential rains. I get it. I see what you're doing. Sadly for you, I own a rain coat and have cab money on hand. There's just no way in hell you are going to ruin my Kill Bill one-eyed nurse get-up before the pub crawl of debauchery on All Hallows Eve, so go suck a d.

Willing to lose my Eeyore umbrella and Hunter wellies if it means I might get felt-up against a wall tonight,
Dear life,

My weren't you evil last night. I had airplane ride from hell and got diverted to small town Norwegian love fest not in a land up north. So I decided to have a beer ... that lead to another, and another, and another. I figured I needed to counter act the liquid so decided it was time for food. As I was leaving I saw you. I had enough in my bloodstream to go say "hi ... weren't you on our airplane?"

When I got back from dinner thinking I had struck out once again. You asked if I needed a place to take a nap until the trip resumed back north. You don't have to ask me more then once. I put down the beer, picked up my luggage, and followed this Czech beauty. I was on cloud nine because I was going o score with a beauty I hadn't seen in many, many years.

We talked, got comfortable and started to fall asleep. I had about 8 hours until the new transportation mode to get back north so there was plenty of time to do the deed. The phone rang and startled us to reality. It was your husband. Funny how I didn't notice the ring on your finger ... okay I was never looking at her finger. We talked a bit more and I found out she was a lonely young woman whose husband works to many hours.

So there was a little fight going on in my mind ... the angel on one shoulder saying take a shower and go, the devil on the other shoulder saying do her. I followed the angel and took a shower.

On my way out she got up and hugged me, she had gotten naked while I was showering. Life you were just plain evil last night and I regret being the good man. Damn ....

Dear Emotionally Stunted Piece of Shit Ex Who Dumped Me Because I'm Having Surgery and Maybe Have Cancer:

There are no words to describe what a hideous pile of fucked-up jerkface human refuse douchebaggery you are. You left me crying on my front porch when you said, "Sorry, I can't be here for you," after not even ASKING when the surgery is. I'm hoping the reason you can't be here is b/c you knew you were going to die 3 days after you did this to me. Having blocked you on chat and defriended you on FB, I can only hope this was the case and that you are now safely 6 feet under, where you can never do this to anyone else. If not, I hope you get herpes in your eye and on your peen and die of syphillitic insanity, alone and unloved, which is how you left me.

Wishing I could be sure I won't burst into tears if I ever see you again,

PS I understand now why your ex-fiancee threw a knife at you and kept the ring.
Dear ex-boyfriend,

Why do I keep having dreams about you and then waking up and not being able to go back to sleep for hours? My favorite activity lately is looking at cute old pictures of us and being sad. Then today I kept thinking about you and listening to "Better in Time" by Leona Lewis on repeat in my car and hoping that the lyrics are true... I have a bad feeling that you haven't thought about me in like a month. What's my deal? Do I really miss you or am I just lonely? I feel like e-mailing you and telling you all of this... but it seems too desperate and sad.

Dear Life,

Thanks for occasionally blessing my stressed out work existence with four-hour blocks to read College Callgirl back entries.

Would be totally fine with my entire income based on my effective browsing of blowjob tutorials,
Dear Hot Girls of my Social Circle:

That’s right, not “bunnies.” Just “girls.”

Until the election season / financial meltdown caused you to become horrific psycho-bitch-beasts, we used to get along great.

In fact, we had a BLAST. What happened?

I basked in the presence of your hotnesses, and you got entertained and validated by snide ol’ me – who made no bones about finding you achingly pretty while amusing you with cutting and clever banter. You got bullshit-free and honest validation, and I got accepted just being myself. I don’t have to pretend anything and I don’t take any more than what you have on offer. Simple, right?


Why have all all of you (okay, most), in UNISON, gotten all insecure, twitchy and intolerant of me being insensitively funny. It USED to be hilarious…but now that your world is a little shaky, that makes me a caloused dick? What’s changes? News flash…I AM a caloused dick…I swear, if one more of you tells me to keep my thoughts to myself….
< /FONT>
And please…I’m just curious…HOW did you all manage to go off the deep end AT THE SAME TIME?! Most of you don’t even know each other!!! Do you have a hive mind or something? Have you ALL gone off your meds? And it’s not even just you romantical-types! Coworkers, friends… you’ve all gone completely peoples-court-plaintiff on me. WHY? Is it just the turmoil in the world?

Getting a new president, losing a job, economic downturns…this shit happens every few years to everybody, it’s called a CYCLE for a reason. Just deal with shit. It’s not like our overspent economy wasn’t doomed for a long time – and it’s not like we’ve never has an election before. Nobody’s dying that hasn’t been dying for the past 6 years. Why now? Pre-election and pre-crisis…when we were “just in a war” you all were perfectly calm and content. Maybe you should all think about that.

So, no, I won’t “just keep it to myself” when I think one of you is treating your family shitty, or I worry that your drug habit is a problem (I’m in RECOVERY, woman…I don’t have the luxury to consider any other path), or I have a political or policy opinion you disagree with, or think that going to late dinners with a married dude who’s “financially secure” is stupid. (“Secure” riiiight…how much you wanna bet? You’re so getting played.)

Put simply: You bring it up? I make a comment. Capice? I will NEVER just shut my mouth and smile.

Why won’t I just go with the flow?

Well, for starters, treating people bad is just nasty. It’s just not on. I can’t roll with it. I gotta say somethin’. But more than that, if I have to bullshit you, what the fuck is in it for me, then? I need acceptance of ME…I don’t crave acceptance as a mannequin.

Seriously. I take “less” from all you all because I don’t have it in me to do all the ass-kissing “please validate me little miss hotness” begging that all those other zombies have to shovel to make it onto you’re A-Team. Maybe that does make me an “insecure, codependent loser with an inferiority=2 0complex.” But I don’t pretend ANYTHING. At least I’m not the one hanging with a “loser.”

No, we all hang because I like being around you ; and at least I THOUGHT you liked that I’m not fake. If I’m wrong and that ain’t it, I gotta go.

You’ve never seen me get all pissed because I’m not YOUR first priority for a Saturday night, right? Why are you getting mad at me for thinking something you don’t agree with? Just because it’s not funny at someone else’s expense? Or is it because there’s something in me that’s serious and doesn’t simply reflect what you want to see?

Either way, be ing a shit to others ISN’T funny. Even I can’t make a joke out of that one. Being a hypocrite isn’t okay. I DO have principles and actually…sometimes…take action in line with them. I GET TO do that. Get it? I’m a fucking person.

Maybe you only liked it so long as my “telling it like it is” was aimed at others? Well tough. You don’t like it, fine, but tell me why. Discuss it with me and we can agree to disagree. Let me have thoughts. Don’t tell me to shut up.

I tell my friends what I think. If we aren’t at least friends, then fuck off. There are plenty of retards in line to blow sunsh ine up your ass…you’ll never need worry about getting honesty from any of them.

Are there any real bunnies left?

p.s. And why are no dudes losing their fucking minds right now? Is it just because football season’s underway? I love being easily entertained.
Dear couple sitting next to us at dinner last night,

Who sits on the same side of the booth? Let alone the side that's right next to another table that seats people. It was a relatively empty restaurant. You could have sat on the OTHER side of the booth so that your elbow wasn't in my ear the whole time as you FED EACH OTHER (gross) and I'm surprised you didn't suffocate with all the smothering going on. It's cool that you're all in love and shit but you were making out IN MY FACE. IN. MY. FACE. A couple of things...

a) Girl, if a guy was all over me like that and trying to feed me my OWN FOOD, I would fucking punch him. In the face.


c) I really need to get better at being witty on the spot so I could have thrown a Dr. Cox rant at them as we were leaving. No. Fuck that. Not as we were leaving. Way before we left so they could feel all awkward that I was still there, glaring at them. For MAKING OUT IN MY FACE.


dear drunk/high gangsta at the club last night,

i'm glad you enjoyed my drunk white girl dance moves while i grinded shamelessly on some kid from my anthropology class.
i was, however, surprised that you liked them enough to walk past me and say,
"ey gur, i got a rilllly big dick."

good... for you?,
Dear life,

I'm all about being single and trying to meet new people and all of that. But why are the only guys that hit on me total weirdos? For example, the guy that worked at the liquor store who introduced himself as "I'm single." Seriously?! And then today at the airport a guy approached and started chatting and it was fine. Then he busts out with this gem... "Do you like house music?" Umm does this guy go to raves and dance around with glow sticks or something? Because he looked to be around 30. I am starting to wonder if I give off some strange vibe.

What gives?
Dear customer at work,

That's cool you're in the army, really. I'm proud of you. You're actually quite intelligent. But it's not cool to hit on me when I'm EXTREMELY BUSY and want to get my shit done so that I can get the hell out of there by a reasonable time. Also, no, you don't get free beer because you're in the army. And I don't often take IOUs, but I didn't want to seem like too much of a stiff, so you BETTER pay for that Dos Equis tomorrow. Stop flustering me, please. I really don't have time to flirt at work.

Slightly flattered?
Dear Sausage-Wielding Criminal,

you are my favorite thing this week--

--but don't come after me next.

Dear people from my graduating class who are now married/have kids/married with children,

Have you all forgotten your only 21, 22 tops?

Still enjoying my freedom/young adulthood thankyouverymuch,
Dear dear life,

Oh how wonderful to be back in DC. It has been two years since my last visit ... how I missed you so. Unfortunately you still don't know how to drive. What happened to the "pull off the rear view mirror and drive like there is no one behind you" mindset? Going 25 in a 35 is just plain wrong! Enjoying my time, just not the drivers. More to come ....

Dear Dear-Lifers,

I started talking to an old friend from study abroad within the last couple of months, and for various reasons relating to a desire to hang out (and also, secretly, hoping to make the "New" Crush jealous), we started discussing a visit. The original idea I threw out was me visiting him, that way, it was my dime and there was no pressure. However, owing to me being cheap and also getting jury duty, and his desire (he claims) to visit San Francisco, we're now discussing him visiting me. I was pumped about this, but now I'm wondering if I'm going to be expected to sleep with him or something.

I mean, we're both single but I'm not trying to set up a booty-call visit. Frankly, I'm ready to swear off guys after the rampant douchebaggery of the "New" Crush (which involves him texting and IMing me dirty messages while his g/f was visiting, among other things), whom, despite aforementioned douchebaggery, I still have insane feelings for.

And while I'm asking questions here, might I ask why my MBA program won't accept my calculus transcript? And why my new apartment is in the ghetto? And why despite that ghetto, I'm going to be paying more money every month? And why I can't just have one damn thing go my way?!

Exasperated, and nervous,
Dear Girl In My Office-

You are retarded. I have no idea how you have received the distinction of being a director. You can't form a sentence without using the word "like" at least 14 times, "youknowwhaimean" twice, and a few "ums"(kids in England get thrown out of school for this, you know). Also-learn how to use a copy machine. Have you ever stopped to think that it may not be a mechanical fault? Maybe its the operator? Also known as you? Also, please stop accusing the machine of being on drugs. If i hear you say "the printer's on meth" one more time, i'm going to throw you in to the river. You are making it very hard for me to go into work today. Luckily, i am so committed to this campaign i'm willing to overdose on advil to make it happen.

I guess Its only for a few more days....

Also, stop eating all of my grapes.

Clueless was like, so, 10 years ago or something. Youknowwhaimean?-
Dear guy sitting in front of me,

The more you tap your fingernails on the back of your girlfriend's chair, the more I fantasize about stabbing you in the hand with my ballpoint pen.

Dear adorable BF,

Ever since you 8th-grade style asked me to be your girlfriend and took me to my first drive in movie that was 2 hours away when I came back from Europe, the "L" word has been tickling my lips. But now we have casually mentioned moving in together, you bought me a tiffany's necklace for my b-day [doesn't Tiffany's = love], and I have this Darwinian urge to reproduce with your genes after NEVER wanting babies. If you don't say it soon, it might just escape next time you do your kick-ass Borat impression or show up at my apartment in scrubs.

love [???],
Dear Employment Promotion-

I am really excited about you and the relocation. However, waiting until Sunday night to find out where I am going is killing me. I also love how i am supposed to start you on Tuesday, maybe Monday. But that's not the issue...I work well under pressure (Thats how i got the job...)Let's send me somewhere awesome. Perhaps Virginia Beach. Albequrque would rock, also.

Or D.C.

D.C. would be really rad.

Or maybe even just Northern Virginia. The Alexandria office? Fairfax? Please?


Dear Tina Turner;

After seeing the opening night of your new tour in Kansas City Missouri all I can say is this: Holy fuckshit you are amazing.

Dear Coworkers,

My thin cubicle walls are probably not enough to protect me from the bubonic plague which is apparently going around the office. 5 people have already called in sick this morning, and I can hear the guy down the hall hacking like a life long smoker.

I do not want the plague. Please stay away from me.

Poppin' my C like a drug addict,

Dear hot male masseuse,

It's pretty hard to relax when you're breathing heavily and using your strong manly hands all over my naked body. While you did release some knots in my shoulders and back, I'm more sexually tense than ever.


I know, no politics, but this is funny,

Dear Boy In D.C.,

You are making it very hard for me to take my best friend's advice and not move to our nation's capitol to be with/near you.

Dear male Dear-Lifers,

I heard on the radio yesterday about how guys are learning that they should become friends with a girl before they start dating them.
Is there validity in this statement?

Trying to get into the male head,
Dear Friend's Older Brother,

No I don't want to go to Paris with you. No, not even if you pay for the train ticket

No I don't want to hang out with you when you are in town this weekend. the thought makes me want to vomit.

You are a toolbox and I only made out with you a YEAR ago because I had consumed an entire bath tub of tequila. I would have made out with the lamp by then if it had showed interest. I've tried to put that nauseating experience behind me. I wish you would do the same.

Which part of "never talk to me again" didn't you understand?

Dear A and Dear Lifers,

At what point does one know when you are supposed to have a DTR discussion?

You've known each other for 2.5 weeks. Talk every day by either phone, text, or online. And lets be let him sleep over last weekend and it wasn't all innocent.

I definitely think it is too early to have this discussion, but a friend suggested it might be coming soon.

dear self,

holy shit. you got yourself in quiiite the pickle. why didn't you just catch the next train? an hour late to work is better than having to wear a not needed cast/walking boot for 2 weeks.


ps. in any event, you did get to spend the whole day with the boyfriend. which was nice.
Dear Eliot the Cat,

I love you but damn, why are you do against the idea of me sleeping. Every sneak into my bed with your furry cuteness and affection, then curl up in the spot least conducive to me sleeping. That's annoying enough, but you don't stay there, oh no. You poke me in the face, you try to spoon me, you stare creepily from the dark with your glowing yellow eyes. Last night I was awoken at 3am by an impromptu game of one cat tackle football. At least that's what I assume you were doing down there from the racket you were making. At least once a month of am woken by the sound of you yakking, on my clothes. When I try to throw you out of my room you hurl yourself against the door repeatedly like some sort of demented cat rapist. When I open the door in the morning you are standing right there, ready to dart back in and harass me some more.

Aside from being creepy this is annoying as hell.I know you love my but chill girl. Please cease and desist before I go insane from lack of sleep.

Lucky you are so cute,

Dear Little Gnome Secretly Following Me Around,

First you hid my heart rate monitor so that I can no longer tell how many calories I am burning at the gym. Since you've been following me, you obviously know that I don't like exercise and that little monitor helps me know the bare minimum of grunt work I have to do in a day! I am not happy putting that extra time in on the elliptical as a just-in-case!

Then you took my awesome NARS cheek tint in "orgasm" (and yes it does give you that oh so fresh "oh" look). Gnomes have naturally rosy cheeks. Step off my product obsession little man.

Then, you took my ipod. I went off to the Yankee game without a care in the world and came home to find it missing, despite the fact that it was intentionally left at home. Not cool. I can't blame you for loving my taste in music, it rocks. But that's just wrong. I do not want to spend my upcoming vacation money on replacing my "can't live without" Ipod. While I am at work today, please just go back to the apartment and shove it in the couch cushions or something. I'll act like I didn't already look there and we'll be ok.

And now, within hours of my office getting re-keyed, you snatched my new set right off my wrist. I don't really like being made a fool of at work. They eye rolls and dirty looks I got this morning when I sheepishly told them that I am being stalked by a gnome didn't go over very well.

Stop causing me to feel like I am losing my mind, little gnome bastard. I'm TRYING to get my shit together.

Not afraid to spike you like a football when I catch you,
Dear Suede from project runway,

Either always refer to yourself in 3rd person or never.
Mixing the two just draws more attention to your douchness.

Leanne Fan,
Dear tarot card reader I saw this summer,

I tried to be open-minded when you mystically hinted that I'd find myself a swoon-worthy boy on Sept. 15, but I think I'm being punk'd. The only new people I encountered today were the old maintenance guy who fixed my smoke alarm and some fratarded bros on the bus. Thanks, but no thanks.

Can I please still own three properties and visit Germany?
Dear DearLifers,

How to get back old facebook:

then clck 'add application'

then click

you get old classic fb back

It's okay to fear change,
Dear Mac,

Its been a week and i want you to know i am really upset over what happened to you. I know we werent friends but i still knew you, the inhumane treatment you received over what was probably so pointless is sickening. I pray those 2 who took you away rot in hell.
I'll never forget one night at some random party i saw you dancing, you pointed to me then grabbed your penis - great memory!!
My thoughts are with your family and friends RIP.



Dear Friend's Husband,

I've gotta admit I was quite surprised to get a text message from you at 4:45 AM this morning saying "Come see me. I love you, sexy mama."

So, I know you are the "Fun Bobby" of the crew - and when you drink you drink to the point of black out. And it's rumored you've been mildly innapropriate with many of our friends while drinking in the past. But we had heard you had gone cold turkey now that your wife is preggers and ya'll are alone in another state.

Not cool dude. Lay off the sauce and definitely lay off me. Take care of your wife and unborn kid. Does anyone know how to wash this ick off?

drunk isn't actually an excuse,
Dear ex,

Checking out your facebook page- I'm realizing just how weird you truly are. Excessively quoting "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" or whatever makes you seem like a huge nerd. Oh wait.... you are.

Eyes opened,
Dear Sparkly Minidress,

You are 90% covered in silver sequins. You hug my ass and show off my legs. I bought you in Ecuador, meaning no one else on this continent owns you. I may say tomorrow's (fabulous) party is for my BFF's birthday, but you'll be the real star. I'm even shaving my legs AND my pits for you.

Thanks for making me look like a slutty disco ball,


dear new facebook layout,

you suck. bring back the old one!

Dear Dear Life Blog:

Assuming I can avoid political incarceration for the next 18 hours, I’m totally gonna caucus my ass off for some old-school anthem-build-release electronic music. I wish that was on the ballot.

Paul Van Dyk is spinning tonight and I have bells on. I even wore them to work!

Dear Hannah,

You tried to crash my weekend party extravaganza, rained on my parade all day Saturday, and tried to kill me with your Humongous Waves of Doom and Scary as Crap Undertow - (which, by the way, made it almost impossible to stand still enough to pee in the ocean, and I was really drunk and really had to go! You're so hateful.) HOWEVER, I still managed to get wasted, get a (sorta) tan, and have sex on the beach under some amazing stars, so... I think I won this one, betch.

(Don't) Blow Me,
Dear Work,

Getting a little crazy huh? I guess you are freaking out that many of your peeps are going out on maternity leave. Well stop bothering me. I can't keep up with the election, online shopping and leaving your ass behind for a NEW Hot Work Stud. Yes I am cheating on you when I am with you. Treat me with respect Work and I might give you notice before I peace out. You are coming between my g-chats with Shameless.

Hate you bitch,

Dear White Dress,

Why did I think I could get away with wearing you for a night of heavy drinking? Sure you are cute but when lack of hand eye coordination meets extreme inebriation and a complete carelessness for all liquids (the Aussies used to threaten to make me use a sippy cup) THIS is almost always the end result.

Wondering what I could possibly wear to my own wedding,
Dear Parental Unit,'re moving to Switzerland. In a few weeks. For a year. And asking me to move back in to watch over the house/cat and rent out the rooms to 4 (hopefully) bad ass chicks. I'm gonna miss you and all, but can you hurry up and get the eff out already?! I can not WAIT to turn my childhood home into a bitchin' bachelorette pad!! Also, the sooner you leave, the sooner I can come visit you and ski the Swiss Alps FOR FREE.

Dear Hurricane Hannah,

Wow, thanks for not actually drowning CF and I when we drunkenly attempted to swim in the ocean Friday night. You hadn't actually hit the Eastern Shore yet but your friend Ridiculously Strong Undertow crashed our party early. We only got about waste deep but there was some definate wipe out potential there. Okay yeah, we may make some questionable decisions when drunk but... well actually I can't think of an end to that sentence. We're dumb.

NOT a dolphin,
Dear First Paycheck,

You don't arrive until next week but I've already spent most of you in my head.

On shoes.

Broke but happy,
Dearest Aaron,

I'm sorry you're offended that I'm such a "raging liberal". I'm also sorry that I'm sure you feel that my political opinions mean I discredit your service to our country. However, that does not give you the right to be mean to people on my blog. Thanks.

Oh, and you could have just signed your name.

P.S. I'm done writing about politics on my blog. Barack Obama has 100% of my support, but I don't want readers/friends who are Republicans to be turned off.
Dear Rihanna,

I am not sure if you got the memo, but you have absolutely NO TALENT. And I know that the constant praise and adoration that you receive can be misleading, but trust me honey, they AREN'T yelling because they think you sing/dance well. They are yelling because your Gucci sandals are freakin awesome and your abs are fierce.

Now don't get me wrong, you surely do know how to rock an American Apparel tank top and make it look like Fendi, but your musical skills are significantly below par. I say this because some horny executive at MTV came up with the "great" idea of making you the opener for the VMAs. BIG mistake. I was so drowsy after your Frankenstein-infused performance that I felt like I was slowly falling into a coma. I mean, just because you look hot in shredded fish nets and black lipstick DOES NOT give you the right to bore the hell out of all the sad people in the audience. I mean, even ONE dance move would have sufficed, but no, instead you spent your whole 4 minutes sauntering around stage like an autistic zombie in an attempt to match up with the 800 dancers that MTV hired to mask your uninspiring performance.

Honestly, your spotty show must have somehow brought shame upon the house of Chris Brown. Last year, he seriously put on one of the greatest performances that I have seen on the VMAs since MC Hammer, and you just pissed all over it with, by far, the WORST musical act since Britney and the Belly Beast.

How about you do us all a favor and take these tips to ensure that you don't become the next Samantha Mumba:
1) Go into modeling, because between acting, singing, and dancing, that is pretty much the ONLY ONE that you can actually do flawlessly.
2) Stop shopping everyday. If you were Beyonce (which I think you wish you were), I wouldn't be telling you this. But you are not and will never be Beyonce, so stick to an every-other-weekend shopping schedule, mmkay? Thanks.
and 3) Don't you ever, never, ever ever ever break up with Chris Brown. Even if he cheats on you. Stay with that boy for as long as is humanly possible because you are gonna need his cashola when your boobs start to fall and your singing abilities (or lack thereof) begin to overshadow your keen eye for expensive fashion. Having a baby by him wouldn't be a bad idea either. Even though that might have a negative effect on your sultry image for a few months, it would be a major investment for your financial future.

I hope this helps you to realize the monster that you are up against. Yeah, you may have everything now: a HOT (and talented) boyfriend, fame, an abundance of cash for shopping sprees, and a firm backside, but one day, someone is going to want you to actually WORK for the money that you are getting paid. And then what? You will be doing full frontal scenes in B-movies and posing for the cover of KING magazine. Good luck with that.

Keep up the good "work",
Dear America:

Are you FUCKING CRAZY? How is McCain ahead in the polls?

First off, the Republican Party is not about “free-market, laissez faire, small-government, low-taxes” anymore. They just NATIONALIZED the two private, massive, home-loans companies, for shit’s sake! They are BAILING OUT badly run investment banks! They are OVERSEEING the economy in an attempt to mitigate the damage of oil policy run unchecked! That ain't market-based economics.

By contrast, Obama will actually leave Americans with 2% more after-tax income on average than McCain. (5% average tax breaks rather than 3%) Check it out!

Also…The Republicans are NOT about virtuous living. Sure, they want to TELL you how to live, but they:
1) support the “choice” of THEIR unmarried, abstaining…pregnant…daughters, and;
2) cheat on and dump their first wife (Carol McCain) for their rich, Arizonan second wife (Cindy) who bought them a seat in the Legislature (…defense of marriage my ass)

You want to give the job to someone because he got tortured after crashing his FIFTH taxpayer funded plane.

His torture was horrific…but that’s his ONLY qualification. He also:
1) got into Anapolis only because his daddy and granddaddy were Admirals
2) Finished 6th from last OUT OF 1000!
3) Lost FOUR American military jets BEFORE his last flight
4) Yet kept on flying because daddy was running the pacific fleet.
5) Returned from imprisonment and cheated on his wife with NUMEROUS floozies, before DUMPING her for a rich, pretty upgrade who bought him his congressional district.

Maybe…just maybe...based on his real record, rather than his pedigree…he should have been grounded BEFORE he was shot down? Maybe a BETTER PILOT in the cockpit would have completed his mission over Ho Chi Minh City and returned? Shit…how many children might he have mistakenly maimed, mutilate or destroy with misplaced ordnance that a BETTER FLYER might have spared? If we had assigned command based on merit, rather than family, we might have prevented McCain ever being tortured at all…

But now you want to put him back in the cockpit? JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! Obama has never failed anyone, is self-made, is brilliant, and is a doting family man. McCain has been handed everything, has nearly been KILLED by his loss of his fifth plan, was in the BOTTOM one-half of 1% at a military college, and loves him the ladies…especially rich beauty queens. (Rawr, pageant shots of Sarah Palin! Now THAT's "vetting ")

McCain shouldn’t even be picked for a kickball team. I love you, country, but am often embarassed by my retarded neighbors' idiot parents and siblings.

Am I the only one sane in the asylum?

p.s. Oh yeah...and the failure of the crowd to even politely golf-clap when Huckabee said he was proud our country had nominated a man with indifference to his race...was SHAMEFUL. All your mothers were terrible parents...
Dear Sarah Palin,

Maybe if your daughter had gotten more comprehensive sex education programming (instead of abstinence only), you might not be having an illegitimate grandchild and a teen headed right to divorce court before she hits her 21st birthday.

Also, I'm pretty sure that the Bible has no direct verses about abortion(because it did not exist in biblical times), yet it has THOUSANDS about helping the poor and putting them above yourself. Funny how you are so quick to shove that issue under the rug.

Thousands of Americans are dying every year because they don't have healthcare because our system is so fucking corrupt and all Paris Hilton can think about is how she doesn't want taxes to raise. I understand that people don't want such a huge chunk taken out of their paycheck, it sucks, but the amount of opportunity to increase wealth that the rich have is unproportional. It is soooo incredibly hard to pull yourself out of poverty, while it is easy as shit to invest your millions and make them multiple in a small matter of time. The rich are getting richer at a rapid rate, and higher taxation is an attempt to slightly set that off. Rest assured, that the rich WILL STILL get richer, but maybe we could give people who have never had a pair of new shoes in their life, that were forced to drop out of school at 15 to work at McDonalds because their mother was a single parent who needed another income and couldn't care about her child's education because her situation was desperate, a fighting chance (i know that was a really bad run-on sentence).

I don't know. I'm scared about your approval rate. I think that if your party takes this election it will be a huge mistake. That's just my opinion.

Barack The Election,
Dear Calling Card,

Running out of talk time during phone sex is not acceptable.

Still waiting to find out how he wants to $%&@ my %#@*& with his #@*&$@,

Dear Politics,

If I hear any of the following words/phrases one more time I may have to up and leave the country for good:

a hearbeat from the presidency
ready to lead
candidate of change
hail mary pass

I know the media wants to dissect everything going on in the election, but can't they throw in some new vocab words. I swear every sentence out of someones mouth contains one of those words. And that means that they are all SAYING THE SAME DAMN THING. Over and over. It makes my ears want to bleed.

And another thing, who the hell are these undecided voters?!? I don't know any of them- everyone I know made up their mind months ago. Surely after weeks and weeks of this non-stop media circus people would either choose a damn candidate are give up.

Hugging my thesaurus,

Dear stomach infection,

You’re dreadful. Still, it is kind of fun telling my friends their sappy boyfriend stories are going to make me vom and then ACTUALLY HAVING IT HAPPEN.

Dear guy at the bar,

I'm pretty sure that when you sought me out as the one to ask "Where's the pisser?" to, you shattered all my expectations for guys in their 20's. Do I look like the type of girl who would know "where the pisser" is?!?! Someone please remind me why I'm entering the dating scene again before I take up knitting and never leave the house again.

Shocked and appalled,
Dear man I crossed on the street,

I'm pretty sure it's August. Not November. So why did you gobble like a turkey at that poor mexican man as you passed him? He was just trying to cross the street. No need to throw the crazy at him.

Gobble gobble,
Dear Mr. Fish,

A few thoughts:

1. Breaking up with someone, ten minutes before they write a test, isn’t so cool.

2. Breaking up with someone who risked her friendships with both your brother and one of her future bridesmaids because she so genuinely liked you and so very much wanted to be functional and together this one time, also isn’t cool

3. Breaking up with someone (after making them hold hands in public and talk about their feelings) effectively because you can’t even say the word ‘girlfriend’ but still ‘really like’ her, again would not rank high on my list of ‘What To Do To Avoid A Front-Kick In The Man-Parts’

I wore my heart on my sleeve and you pissed on it. Then, you set the jacket on fire and said ‘but you’re still really great’: Thanks.

dear hurricane gustav,

so... august has been quite the shitty month for me. and i'm reallllly looking forward to my trip to new orleans next weekend. i need a few days of drinking hurricanes- not dodging hurricanes. don't mess this up for me!

step off,
Dear Driving Test Man

Fuck you! I know it's your job to make sure that I am a competent driver before you give me my licence, but you didn'y have to be so mean. Seriously. You have just crushed my dreams of getting my own car, driving my friends around and being able to escape whenever I want to. You are such a meanie and I don't like you.

I need a ride
Dear Male Gender,

Could you guys be bigger dicks?! You all are on notice.

Pun Intended,
Dear Life,

I have not written in in forever!!! I have finally kicked a bad habit and a bad boyfriend (its been a year!) Have a great new job and am finally in love again! Actually, we are talking about making it "permanent"!!
Life is good, actually amazing.
Thanks for being there through all my crazy stuff last year! :)

Dear credit card company,

Um, thanks for voiding my past month’s purchases. I’m still evaluating whether or not I should admit that, no, my Visa wasn’t stolen, and yes, those are in fact my extravagant purchases in three different countries.

This bill kind of looks like a winning lottery ticket,
Dear DLB,

Ok, seriously, has everyone fallen into a coma or are your lives suddenly either so perfect or so drama filled that you can no longer write a DLB entry at least every OTHER day???

I'm beginning to look elsewhere for my ordinary people drama. And I'll tell you something, BOSSIP.COM is no place for any degree-bearing individual. Especially if you are trying to read it at work and every other page has some girl in a thong. That is just NOT my cup of tea, people!

So get it together (or not) and start writing about your boring/busy, binge drinking, bus catching, bum fondling, boss cursing, babe boinking, boob bearing, butt bumping, blunt burning, boy bashing fantasies, shinanigans, and hijinx before I go mentally insane and start watching reruns of Brooke Hogan Knows Best on OnDemand! *shakes fist*

...that'll be all. As you were.

I'll be here all night,

p.s. forgot to add "ball busting"...
Dear Laz Alonso (google him ladies),

Although we only had a fleeting moment together, I feel like we really made a connection. When you looked me in my eyes and said, "Hey, how you doing? You look nice today," I knew it was love.

Those eyes...those lips...those biceps peaking out of your sleeveless shirt...they were all saying "TR, GROPE ME!"

But alas, I have a boyfriend, and as much as my friends all said that i should have "gotten [your] number" and/or "raped [you] in the middle of the street", I refrained and kept walking, ending our chemistry-filled conversation with a sweet "Thaaaank you" *smile*.

I know that someday, maybe in another time or space, we shall meet again. And when that day comes, I promise...that I will grab the shit out of your ass and bite your neck like a vampire!

...sorry Laz. I'll have to take a raincheck on your sweet caramel lovin'.

Until next time,
Dear Speidi:

Shut the F$%# Up! Is that a video/song a joke? You seriously cannot sing and that music video is terrifying!! Perez was right, you do sounds like a retarded robot. Did anyone else get a flashback of the Saved by the Bell music video?!?!?!?!?!?! I hate you but your song is now stuck in my head!!

Overdosin' on you,
Dear woman in the full burqa weighed down by Neiman Marcus bags,

While I sympathize with your adoration of Theory shift dresses, I don’t get it. May I suggest passing those purchases on to me? As a disciple of Gucci and not the Quran, I would happily give said dresses the life they deserve by allowing the public to admire them.

P.C. as always,
Dear crush,

Maybe I shouldn't call you a crush anymore. We decided we weren't going to be in a relationship, but I just want you to know -- I'm not your typical girl. When we hook up, that doesn't mean I'm attached to you for life. That means, venture back over next week (or earlier) and let's do it again. Get it?
See ya Sunday ;)
And hopefully I don't have any regrets about kissing another guy when I see you this time... who am I kidding? I had no regrets last time.

Fun is ahead since I haven't had a day off in 12 days.

PLDs are coming my way,
Dear L-word that keeps floating around my head,

STOP. Get out of my brain. I do not L-word the New Crush. You cannot L-word someone who doesn't L-word you back. Just because I drink a little bit of alcohol doesn't mean you are allowed to indiscriminately pop into my consciousness as if you are real. He L-words someone else, and so even though we all know he thinks I have a bangin' bod and bodacious brain, and even though I acknowledge that I want him like whoa, there is no reason for you to materialize just because I'm starved for affection.

Step off, cuz this is hard enough already,
dear dear-lifers,

for those of you who read my previous post... i need some advice. yesterday i was put in a very awkward position where my friend's boyfriend asked me if anything had happened between the other 2. i told him to ask them. well, thing is... they lied.

to tell or not to tell? i really don't know. anyone have experience with a similar situation?

casting thoughts out into the great wide web,
Dear Life,

This weekend I'm packing up and moving across the country once again. Why? Maybe to be close to my family, to avoid all my problems, to have an excuse to not work for a bit, to avoid my ex bf and his fug crush ... probably all of the above. I grew up moving around every few years and it looks like that's in my blood now. It's kind of like the episode of SATC when Charlotte gets a self-help book titled "Starting Over Yet Again." Pretty much!

See ya Chicago,
dear life,

when did my life turn into one messed-up episode of 90210? a week ago today i was going out for restaurant week with a college friend, working on deadlines and preparing my apartment for a group of visitors. the visitors included: a best friend from college, her boyfriend, my ex boy/hookup/whatever, his old roommate and another friend. i must admit that i was a little nervous having the ex boy/hookup at my apartment- but, i figured i'd just make the best of it.

then, during a friday night drunken bathroom confessional at a seedy adam's morgan bar... "best friend" tells me that she slept with my ex boy/hookup one night. it gets better... her boyfriend is the ex boy's best friend. oh... and did i mention- the three of them live together? recipe for success i must say.

how exactly was i supposed to react to this news? she knew how this guy broke my heart, she has a boyfriend, the boys are/were best friends... and we still had 2 more days of this fun filled vacation together. now i'm picking up the pieces, re-examining that entire "friendship" and stuck in that horrible position where i know something that her current boyfriend doesn't.

a week ago my biggest issue was whether or not the orange line would get me back in time to make my shuttle. now i have to decide what to do with this "friendship" and wait for the bomb to drop on their relationship.

wtf, mate.
Dear Vlad Putin:

Dude, WTF?! Step off Georgia.

‘Kay, so I may be old, because I remember the cold war, but that wall in Berlin ALREADY came down. Remember Gorbachev? He opened you alchys up to the world and yourselves? It caused a lot of turmoil and soul-searching and shit, sure…but look at all the growth and improvement Russia has had…you fuckers are positively EXPLODING economically right now… (unlike us.)

So now…you wanna go right back to being an isolationist, annexing bunch of fucktards?! Just so you can ensure obedience in your empire? While you pretend to allow elections…but still run the whole show…and have brought back assassination (with plutonium in fucking TEA, no less…), AND crushed the free press, AND imprisoned or shot your political rivals.

Dick moves all, asshole. Dick-fucking-moves. Seriously, stop being such a fucking douche.

Your Pal,

p.s. The only thing I ever liked about the USSR was that you made awesome James Bond vil lains. Stop living up to your stereotype, Stalin.
Dear Bernie Mac,

Ain't this about a summamab*tch! wtf is this bullsh*t?! I can't believe yo muthaf*ggin ass is gone. what the f*gg?!

See, I'm headin to tha sto', bout to get me some muthaf*ggin smokes, and whats do my muthaf*ggin ears hear on my muthaf*ggin radio, but that your muthaf*ggin ass done left us. Now what the f*ck is we supposed ta do?! What otha muthaf*gga is gonna show us how to effectively use words like "muthaf*gga", "b*tch ass", "punk ass", and "summamab*tch"??!

Look, all I can say is that this muthaf*ggin bullsh*t ain't cool and I'm one sad ass pissed off muthaf*gga right now.

Just rest yo muthaf*ggin ass in peace, aight muthaf*gga?! Summamab*tch...

MuthaF*ggin T to the MuthaF*ggin R
Elvis Where Are You?

Why can't we just go to Vegas? C'mon - it's 5 hours and we can drive thru. No, we have to go through 7 weeks of pre-marital counseling where I must detail the failures of my past 2 (yes, fuck you) marriages. You are "Mr. Right" but do I have to prove that I can't tell the difference between Mr. Right and a hole in my ass.

Love you but seriously, must I bleed all over my keyboard...again????

dear life,

200 years ago, okay maybe it was in the 60's but it seems that long ago, I was the awkward kid in grade school with the thick glasses and crew cut. I didn't have any friends .... And then the 70's hit and I was in junior high school. This was also the beginning of mandatory school busing. I welcomed the new students and for the first time in my life I had some friends. They turned me on to their world and in particular their music. So it is with much sadness that I hear that Issac Hayes passed away today. Thank you for the music and may you rest in peace. Shaft lives!

dear boyfriends mom,

you're fucking hilarious. awkward at times (like, every time), but i still love you.

here's a few of her golden nuggets:

1) "when b was little he used to catch our pets and end up with mouthfuls of hair. tell me, does he still nibble?"

2) "are you staying for dinner? i know b's sweet but i doubt he can fill you up."

3) "you two would have beautiful children."

4) "do you smoke cigarettes? oh well if you do. i used to. drink a little beer, smoke some cigs, and, lets not get into the rest..."

5) "oh cute shirt. do you give him sexy shows?"

oh boy.

Dear Fake French Boyfriend,

It was lovely seeing you on the street today for the first time since our deliciously snappy conversation about politics and literature four weeks ago. I’m afraid to say, though, I only recognized you because you carry a striking resemblance to my fake Italian boyfriend, my Dutch crush and the Ukrainian Olympian I wanted to jump at the airport.

I think I have a type,
Dear T,

I live for your comments to people's Dear Life posts. I will go for days without reading and have to play catch-up and find myself hoping you have read and commented. I love it. My most recent favorite is your comment to WanderingChick about asking men to have sex. Loves it. I hope I can write in soon about something steamy and/or raunchy so you can share your thoughts ;)

Keep commenting so I can be entertained,
Dear ex,

It's cool that you like someone else and all... but I really thought you had better taste! I'm a hot babe obvi.... but this new girl is seriously fug. I'm not just being a byach either, she's got 30 lbs on me, acne face, and desperately needs a nose job. I'm sure she's "nice" or whatever.. but sick me out. No wonder you still want to hang out with me and go to the beach so you can remember how hot I am in my string bikini. Talk about a downgrade...

Dear Company;

When I first found out I'd be doing High School Musical as my summer job I thought it was going to be awful. I thought that, at best, at least it was only a 6-week contract. In and out. I never ever thought I would love each of you as much as I have. I even kind of don't mind the musical itself now. Sunday will be a hard goodbye. You guys have helped and changed me in ways you will never ever know. I hope to work with you all again. Well, most of you.

We're All in this Together!
dear boss,

why don't you quit being such a fucking prick? i understand you got a "hefty" raise and the owner worships the ground you walk on but why don't you get off your high horse.

i was fucking upset because i was there at 8 fucking am and when i called you to ask a question at 11 you were still asleep. and thennnn you come in around 1ish and promptly take the other manager out to lunch when he gets there. THAT'S BULLSHIT, MISTER. i just wanted to eat my jimmy john's!!! and that's what i was planning on doing at ONE!!! fuckface.

you caused me to yell at my employees and act like a psycho biotch. so thanks.

Dear friend who keeps doing that "I miss my girlfriend" thing every
time we hang out,

I'm sorry if you felt uncomfortable when I told you The Dark Knight was a
"sexy, sexy movie. I think I just hit puberty again." Clearly you
didn't spend your two hours staring at Batman's crotch in full-on
gigantic IMAX.

Why so serious?
Dear hiking,

What the fuck is up with you? And why does everyone love you so much? I've tried to like you, but really, you're just walking. In the middle of nowhere. From nowhere. To nowhere. Seriously, every time I go anywhere in Ecuador people want to do you. "Hey, let's spend the next 7 hours walking up that mountain! Then we can walk back down it! We'll get really muddy, we'll be out of breath from the altitude and we might fall off a cliff. I sure do love the outdoors!"

Next weekend I'm going on a day trip to a nearby mountain town that has natural hot springs. My friends want to go early so they can do a SEVEN HOUR hike before hitting the spa. Now, I'm outdoorsy (aka I like swimming in the ocean, bbqs and drinking beer on front porches), but if I'm walking for seven hours it should be for a better reason than to just see some trees.

I think I'm a city girl,

Dear Life,

Lesson learned: If a boy has wings for dinner, make him wash his hands before doing anything fancy down there.

Dear armpits,

You guys are totally cramping my style. I get dressed to go out, put on AMPLE deodorant, and you guys still sweat rivers under my arms. What the dealio?? I can't be sexy when I'm sweating like a linebacker. That's not cute!

I've tried the strong deodorants. You know, the ones that say "strong enough for a man, but PH balanced for a woman". Yeah, bullcrap! Those things don't work. Got me smellin like a musty rose petal. It's not cool when you come in after lunch and people ask you if you went to the gym on your lunch break. I'm a grown woman, for God's sake. I can't be sweatin like a junior high boy trying to hide his boner. Give me a break!

Apparently though, I am not the only one with this problem. My friend tells me that she uses men's deodorant...I don't know about that one. It's one thing to take a nice whiff of men's body cologne on the biceps of my boy toy, but it is totally another to have my favorite silk shirt smell like I rubbed a GQ magazine all over it.

I can't understand why we can't just work together on this. I mean, how many times in the winter did i have the urge to shave your hairy surface, but resisted in order to give you a break and let you be free under my wool sweaters? Not everyone does that. You could look like a naked mole rat all year round and then I wouldn't have to deal with your funky 'tude.

So just calm down and don't sweat it, ok?

dear dear lifers,

not that my blog will ever be 1/100th as interesting and wonderful and hilarious as this one,
but it's if you want to know just how neurotic i actually am.

happy reading!
Dear summer,

Could you please let me know why you're sucking so much? Vacationing is obviously not going to happen, my friends are lazier than I am, and the ever-looming threat of yet another year of education is quickly approaching. I'd appreciate it if you could go out with a bang to make up for nearly two months of utter boredom.

That, or maybe I should get new friends.

Wishing I was on a beach instead of in the suburbs,
Dear Sexy L.A. Man,

Not only did you give me the greatest 6-timer night of sex, but now you have given me 3 counts of phone sex in 2 weeks. Ummm. Get your ass on a plane and come see me now sir. You're horniness is way too contagious for us to be on opposite sides of the country. Praying you land another commercial so you can afford to fly the friendly skies...also praying you realize actors can find work in nyc too...

Dear Latino boy I'm dating,

Let's have sex soon, if only so I can find out if you're circumcised. I hear a lot of men in Latin America aren't, and I really can't wait to find out if you're still in possession of your foreskin or not. Seriously, the suspense is killing me — like waiting to open a Christmas present that's just sitting under the tree.

You just texted me asking to hang out tonight so here's hoping,


PS If you could be super hung, that would be fab too.
Dear self,

Bad idea is watching sex ant the city on your period when all your best gal friends are on the other side of the Atlantic.


Dear "New" Crush,

I'm completely unimpressed with your g/f, and actually somewhat insulted that you'd rather date her. I wish I had the courage to tell you that in person, but I don't. Just know that I'm judging you a little bit, and nursing my wounded pride.

Consider me having totally given up, because I'm not even sure I would want to date you now, especially if she were to break up with you because I do not want to be second best to her. I know this makes me sound completely egotistical, but you know me--I have less self-confidence than would fill a thimble. That said, losing to her makes me sick because I'm sure I have at least as much to offer as she does, and I suspect I have more.

Maybe some day I'll find someone who does want what I have to offer. Maybe not. But you made your choice, and I'm not impressed. And given how much I generally admire you and your decisions as a friend, that makes me sad.

dear creativity,

why have you deserted me at this oh-so-crucial moment?

i'm trying to make a blog, and i can't think of a title that will do me (hah) justice.

Dear Life,

So, I was OK when my BFF told me that she and her husband of 20 years were going to try an 'open' relationship. However, when that entailed the two of them trying to fuck other people in our 'circle of friends', I got uncomfortable. I said outright, "OK…don't tell me, because really, it's not OK with me and I don't want to know about it". But you insisted. Really, I don't need the drama. I actually like my friends. And, having my friends and even distant friends not want to hang out with ME because they are worried that my 'open relationship' friends (this means you) might want to start fucking their significant others. Yeah, OK, I get it. It's not cool. Do you even care that you are going to significantly fuck up my relationships with other people forever?

Why, why, why must you try to fuck within the inner circle? I mean, even the outer far-reaching circle can be, as I have found out personally, NOT cool. Go fuck someone you have never met. Really, try it. Oh, it's not about the sex you say. Now you are 'poly-amorous'. Really? Because I can see divorce just around corner; if not from your husband, then maybe from our friendship. Seriously. Not cool.

Down with drama
dear uterus/additional female parts,

please do not have a fetus in you. that'd realllly not work out right now (...or ever?). negative prego test but still not raggin' is seriously bumming me out.

additionally, if you could please stop giving me terribly painful UTIs every.single.goddamn.time after a wild night of sex with my boyfriend, that'd be super. really.

sorry about the TMIs,
Dear Baltimore City Motor Vehicle Administration:

Here are things that were simply amazing about my recent trip to get my Maryland drivers license:

1) the gentleman in front of me in line freely offered me the information that he was "there to get his license back from the courts"

2) same dude so graciously said, "damn, you are the best looking woman that's been in here all day. Your feet are real pretty. I want to take you out and get your feet done."

3) ...he also asked if I was married.

4) your doors are guarded by armed policemen.

However, I appreciate that I was somehow in and out in under 45 minutes.

Keeping life interesting,

Dear life-

This morning when I was doing the walk of shame back to my apartment wearing daisy dukes and a t-shirt, a greasy guy in bleached ripped up jeans approached me and asks me where I work. WTF? So of course I ask why and he says he wants to offer me a job..."In the entertainment industry." Mother fucker. I guess dressing like a skank gets you these thrilling opportunities of being randomly given an "entertainment industry" job at 7 am in the morning... Note to self- stop dressing like a stripper or people will think that's your dream job.

Keeping my cheeks hidden for a while...
Dear Dear Lifers,

So I've been reading this blog long enough to feel like a creeper if I don't start contributing. So, a little about myself: I hate committment, love shoes, prefer cats over dogs and sex over chocolate and get all hot when I meet sexy Latino men. I own a pair of skinny purple jeans and have two tattoos. I once dropped acid on Halloween night in a college town. I'm dating a guy who doesn't speak English and has an Ecuadorian accent I have trouble understanding. Fellow Dear Lifer Eloise is my bff since kindergarten. I'm generally lazy, which is why I'm blogging at work.

Here's promising to make as many poor life decisions as possible for the sake of literary value,