Stop being an asshole,
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
Today, I found my son's iPod touch and was looking at a light-saber app. He walked into the living room to see me fighting the cat and making sound effects to myself. FML
Today, when I signed into Amazon, their top recommendation for me based on past purchases was "The Brave Little Toaster" on DVD. FML
Today, trying to be cute, I told my soon-to-be husband he was the ying to my yang. He responded with "Baby, you're the Monica Lewinsky to my Bill Clinton." FML
Today, I discovered I am the "before picture" in an internet weight loss advert. FML
Today, I was lonely enough to clink glasses with my own reflection. FML
Today, someone was getting beat up by 6 guys. When I tried to help, they had a swing at me as well. The cops came when I was enthusiastically defending myself. They got away, I got arrested. FML
Today, I was making out with my boyfriend. He got a text and reached over to get his phone. In the process, he elbowed my face and busted my lip. He laughed. FML
Today, my friend bought a smartphone and updated his facebook status with it. Two weeks ago he signed an apartment lease with another friend. Four months ago he bought a new handgun. Seven months ago he bought a new TV. He's owed me $300 for a year and a half. FML
Today, I freaked out when I couldn't get my bathroom door open. After ten minutes of panic when thinking about how I'd be stuck there for at least 8 hours until my roommate would get home, and another five mentally going over survival skills, I realized that I had forgotten to unlock the door. FML
Today, I went through my spam folder. I found out that I'd received several emails telling me that I have been sending emails containing essays for a class of mine to the wrong address. The term ended yesterday. FML
Today, I let my friend use my computer to download some music. Now, my computer has 6 viruses and 4 songs, all of which I hate. FML
Today, I learned that everyone at college was calling me "Parallel Lines" because I've got an unibrow and an apparent hairiness over my mouth. By the way, I'm a girl. FML
you are worth much more and deserve better, even if that means not getting attention and/or sex on a regular basis. Would you rather be married by the age of 30 to some lying loser who is probably cheating on you than be single? One more thing- YOU CAN'T CHANGE A GUY. If you have the idea that he will change once he's with you you're
retarded. You can change his clothes maybe or some of his bad habits but not the fact that he's a total asshole who doesn't respect you. From what I can tell, good/nice guys do exist but there's no way you will ever find one if you have zero standards and are so desperate.
Thank you for making my morning bus commute a little less horrible considering I am beginning my week on a Friday.
You're just out of a serious intense 5 year relationship that didn't
work out and you were heartbroken. I was there because it was like..
a month ago. So as much as I understand that you need to "move on"
and what not- can it not be with all my girlfriends? At first I was
like ohh fun. And I told my friends you're cool. But then I
remember you're probably not ready for a relationship. My friends
really like you and that would be fine if you were interested in them
for more than sex. However you aren't and it's pathetic that you
pretend. You slept with one and after a few times just stopped
calling her. Really? Then she comes to me like, "What happened?"
And now you're after my other friend. Just a warning to you, I'm
warning her this time!! Get your kicks off someone else's friends or
better yet keep your D in your pants and figure out your life.
My friends are not "those type" of girls!
I don't want to hear your voicemail. I don't think anybody else here does, either. I'm not sure why you feel the need to check it on speaker phone, but when you do, it makes me want to jump over the wall we share and punch you in the face.
You will always hold a special place in my vagina and in my masturbatory fantasies,
Are you the evil genius behind Dear Life? Here's why I think, "Maybe."
Every autumn you hold the football for Charlie Brown to kick. And every year...sucker that he is...he thinks that this time, FOR REALS, you'll actually let him kick it. But then you yank the ball away and he sails ass-over-teakettle into "AAAUGH" inducing wipeout.
You SAY that dearlifeblog is back and you'll post the posts if they're tres awesome, but...are you for reals? Or are we getting Charlie Brown clowned?
Hopeful that "A" does not equal "L",
I really care about you. Really really. Do you know how hard it is for me to just NOT sleep with the cute guys that have been throwing themselves at me lately? First B and then S, it's as if as soon as my heart went out to you, their dicks came out to me. Nevertheless, nothing has happened with anyone…not even you! I know this long distance thing sucks, and I know you and I have had the "boyfriends" talk and that we're on the same page about that. But I need something from you, I need you to kiss me and dick me because if you won't… they will
i'm off to stalk all of my old dear life posts and maybe do homework... just kidding about that last part. may all of your weeks be filled with random guys offering to go down on you! SO glad dear life is back.
Dear Lifers past and present,
This is C checking in with some exciting news -- Dear Life is back. I'm reaching out to you because at one point or another, you submitted a post. We'd like your help in bringing Dear Life back to life.
I had sushi with A last week and we were lamenting the death of the blog. With A's busy schedule entering the real world updating the blog as frequently became a challenge. The posts stopped rolling in and a vicious spiral ensued.
Why bring it back?
Many of us have felt like there's something missing without Dear Life around. Recently I (and others) have been rediscovering the posts we submitted two or three years ago and reliving the forgotten hysterical, unbelievable, and yes, sometimes embarrassing and painful moments.
What can I do to help?
The #1 thing you can do is submit a quality post. To make this easier, we've enabled autoposting. Send your post to firstname.lastname@example.org and it will get automatically published.
What else can I do?
Bookmark the page
Tell your friends.
Post about it on your blog.
Link to Dear Life
Give us feedback on the new layout and ideas for improvement.
Thanks for your help. Lets bring this community back to life. Now, come on and send a post in and let's kick this thing off: email@example.com
I'm so thankful for this blog. I took about a year and a half off and just re-discovered you. I decided to re-read each of my posts and I practically re-lived my crazy life pre serious bf and pre law school. I'm still in law school, but the serious bf is out the window. I'm wondering if my re-discovery of this gift from God will help me to fall back into my past life of lots of fun and lots of boys (minus the time I hit that guy with my car and sans the scabies incident)?
I seriously hope we can find a way to get this blog going again so it can re-claim itself as my daily guilty pleasure (that amongst other things)!
A girl can only hope,
I really like you a lot. You're the perfect blend of doing shit, and
checking facebook/twitter/blogs. Plus some cute boys work here! The
only thing is... you're giving me an alcohol problem. That's right.
Free Beer Friday was one of the reasons I wanted to work here. But
really beer/wine every Friday starting at 3:30 only makes it difficult
for me to consider driving home at 5. Furthermore, celebrations of
new clients with champagne, margaritas and tequila are great. But...
it really seems multiple days a week I'm drinking at work. Not to
mention post-work happy hours which happen basically everyday since we
work downtown. I used to exercise after work. Now I drink. Should
I avoid the temptations or just enjoy the free alchy since you're
paying me shit?
You have been dancing past my office all day. I can't help but take notice of how very bright, and loosely fitting you are. I can only imagine how you got here today. I'm sure it started with the simple question - What to wear? Why of course … the velvet polka dot dress I have been hiding away!!! You have been quite distracting this afternoon, yet a saving grace.
The heavy-set women you so graciously adorn is simply radiating in your velour-ious fabric. I must give you credit for concealing the extra rolls of frumpy fat, typically navigating the halls. I commend you for providing full coverage of the expansive FUPA prominently boomeranging around. Hallelujah!I didn't know she owed something so practical that was capable of augmenting her perfect human sphere, equal in width and height. I thought I would never meet you.
Although I didn't know velvet was back in style? In fact, I don't recall a velvet fad at all. You are truly velour-ious and mystifying. You keep rockin’ those blue and red polka dots. And even though people may frequently ridicule you or become fixated on your antiquated style, and even alienate you because of your unusual elegance, don’t feel badly! You are truly a victim of societies’ naïveté. The full coverage you provide is uncommon, and even wickedly illustrious. You are an artist and a bandage for the fupa phenomenon; common with men and women so afflicted by the over consumption of Big Mac’s and Milkshakes, a sad result of our fast food nation. Your Fupandectomy should be honored. You are a force to be reckoned with and a dignified vision. It's not every day I can say I haven't been fupafied by your occupant. I hope to see you tomorrow and the next day, please also invite friends.
You need somebody to love?!?! REALLY?!?! You are like 12 years old......wait until your body no longer resembles that of a pre-pubescent girl and then start looking for love. Also, please cut that mop on your head, despite what you think , it is not cute when you shake your head to get it out of your eyes!!!
Confused by younger generations taste in "men",