Dear Family,

As fun as this past week of Thanksgiving togetherness has been -- from the obligatory Scrabble game to the six days of  absolute sleep gluttony --  I'm not going to cry when I get on the plane tomorrow.  Things can get back to normal for a while. Henceforth, I will be able to masturbate in peace and not have adult relatives "meow" at me as a form of greeting.


Dear self,

I'm pretty sure getting trashed the sunday night before you start your new job is probably not a good idea. What were you thinking? You're still hung over. Now you get to hang out with screaming elementary kids for 4 hours. Sucka.

Stop being an asshole,


Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

dear day 10 of breakup,

holy fuck. why do you still hurt so much?

nevermind, i can answer that.
1) because i hadn't had anything even resembling a relationship for a solid year before we met.
2) on st patrick's day... aka march. which means
3) it was the longest i've ever been involved, in any sense of the word, with anyone. ever.

i spent days 0-3 (last thursday thru sunday) in bed. didn't drink. couldn't stop crying. deactivated my facebook. day 8 went on a first date that should have been amazing until i realized that i couldn't care less whether this really sweet, genuine, gentlemanly guy EVER talked to me again. 

i am broken until further notice.

then saturday there was a football game. i haven't been to one without him this year, and it was the best game of the season. it was so amazing and i'm angry that i didn't enjoy it to the fullest because i was pissed about the retarded stoner that i wasted 9 months of my life caring about. reactivated my fb to gloat about the game, naturally went to his page to catch up on what i missed and guess what? nothing had changed... surprise. he's still friending random hoes from god knows where and wildebeest bitches are still posting shit on his wall like "OmGgGgG i MiSsSsS u when r u cumming home to c me?!??11 i can't wait 2 cu lol ur so kewt! i <3 u j!!!!!!!!" and he's still posting happy statuses that are nothing like what i would have been posting if i had access to facebook for that week (think "hoping starbucks will make my draino vodka latte so i don't have to" or "will be dying alone in a pile of starving cats so please keep track of me and call police if i stop responding to texts". this was partly the reason i deactivated in the first place.)

oh, and
4) the reason i'm not perpetually wasted is that my body is literally rejecting alcohol. shots? a gag reflex that should exist only in 5-year-olds getting their throats swabbed for strep. beer? "WHY IS IT SO COLD OUTSIDE I CAN'T DRINK THIS WAHHHHH" like a little bitch. wine? well, okay. i drink a lot of wine. but then i just get old ladyish, wrap up in comforters and cry onto my dog which isn't really the point of drinking alcohol.... i think.

basically, i don't know how to do this. help. what do i do?

yours in purple teeth and perpetual relationship retardation,

Dear myself as a 25 year old,

You are pretty much an adult now.  There is no reason to demonstrate how to do a proper "dropkick" when you are drunk.  Injuries will surely result, much like they did last week.  You are now going to have to explain at Thanksgiving why you have come home with a limp and a bum knee.

And, it would probably be best if you stopped hooking up with dudes at the moment you pass out.  If you can't stay awake during the hook-up, its not worth it.  Being an inactive participant doesn't benefit you in the long run.
Next time your concious goes out the door, try not to let your dignity follow.
Still recovering,

Dear moustache,

I'm really enjoying growing you... even if it is just for the month of Movember.  However, all the porn star, child molestor, and Tom Selleck references are getting kind of old.

Dear Rental Car Clerk,

I'm glad that you think my driver's license picture looks like Justin Bieber.  I however, do not find this comical. 

Dear Work,

Man I was just coming around to thinking you were alright.  My boss even gave me a gold star for showing up on time.  But then you smack me in the face again and remind me why I can't stand working here any longer.  When will I have the courage to quit?

Top FML's of the week

Today, my cat learned how to flush the toilet while I was in the shower. His transformation from cute kitten to pure evil entity is now complete. FML

Today, I found my son's iPod touch and was looking at a light-saber app. He walked into the living room to see me fighting the cat and making sound effects to myself. FML

Today, when I signed into Amazon, their top recommendation for me based on past purchases was "The Brave Little Toaster" on DVD. FML

Today, trying to be cute, I told my soon-to-be husband he was the ying to my yang. He responded with "Baby, you're the Monica Lewinsky to my Bill Clinton." FML

Today, I discovered I am the "before picture" in an internet weight loss advert. FML

Today, I was lonely enough to clink glasses with my own reflection. FML

Today, someone was getting beat up by 6 guys. When I tried to help, they had a swing at me as well. The cops came when I was enthusiastically defending myself. They got away, I got arrested. FML

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend. He got a text and reached over to get his phone. In the process, he elbowed my face and busted my lip. He laughed. FML

Today, my friend bought a smartphone and updated his facebook status with it. Two weeks ago he signed an apartment lease with another friend. Four months ago he bought a new handgun. Seven months ago he bought a new TV. He's owed me $300 for a year and a half. FML

Today, I freaked out when I couldn't get my bathroom door open. After ten minutes of panic when thinking about how I'd be stuck there for at least 8 hours until my roommate would get home, and another five mentally going over survival skills, I realized that I had forgotten to unlock the door. FML

Today, I went through my spam folder. I found out that I'd received several emails telling me that I have been sending emails containing essays for a class of mine to the wrong address. The term ended yesterday. FML

Today, I let my friend use my computer to download some music. Now, my computer has 6 viruses and 4 songs, all of which I hate. FML

Today, I learned that everyone at college was calling me "Parallel Lines" because I've got an unibrow and an apparent hairiness over my mouth. By the way, I'm a girl. FML

Dear single friend,

I just want to remind you to please have self-respect and remember that not having a man is not the end of the world. You're making single women look bad when you're putting away all your "non-negotiables" and dating.. say... married guys? Or guys who would never catch your eye otherwise? Guys who treat women like shit and take advantage of you?! We've all made mistakes but it just seems like you should have learned your lesson by now. I wish you could see
you are worth much more and deserve better, even if that means not getting attention and/or sex on a regular basis. Would you rather be married by the age of 30 to some lying loser who is probably cheating on you than be single? One more thing- YOU CAN'T CHANGE A GUY. If you have the idea that he will change once he's with you you're
retarded. You can change his clothes maybe or some of his bad habits but not the fact that he's a total asshole who doesn't respect you. From what I can tell, good/nice guys do exist but there's no way you will ever find one if you have zero standards and are so desperate.

Get help!


Dear Target Superstore:

Call me an elitist, but walking up and down your aisles, looking at everybody else who visits you to buy shit - with their mouths open and their sweatpants and tucked-in t-shirts - I couldn't help but think: They all have a vote that counts just as much as mine! This democracy thing is so destined for failure...



Dear On/Off F-Buddy,

Why do you have to be the way you are??  Why does it have to be completely impossible to have a real relationship with you, when I want you so bad that just looking at pictures of you makes my vagina cry a little?  You're distracting me from the nice boy that respects me and actually wants a relationship.  Stop making it so hard for me to forget about your beautiful, large penis and the way you smell in the morning.  Gahh get out of my head!  Can I just take your pheromones and your penis and transfer them to my nice boy?? 


dear Jumbline iphone game,

you are my abso favorite way to waste time in class. i love you to no end and you make me feel smart and literate. but during my last two games, IN A ROW, the six letter words i had to find were MOANING and WEINER. yes, in that order. no, i  am not shitting you. 

can we keep it pg please? i do not need to be thinking about moaning OR weiners during my intro to criminal justice class. 

there are kids out there,
Dear The Face,
You know why our hook-up was quote "very, very hot"?  The lights were out. 
There won't be a repeat of that mistake.
Poor Life Costume Choice
Dear C and others,
I had a similar terrible costume decision.  I've since modified...but still going to go for it...mostly.
I'm pretty sure the boys are going to be pawing at me all night,

Dear c

I like boys but even I would want to hit it if I saw you wearing that costume.  Best of luck!


dear C,


here's mine:

(the black one)

i feel like it sends the right message- a cross between "i kind of have a boyfriend who doesn't want to commit to me" and "i'm ready to take jello shots and make the worst decisions ever".

happy halloweiner!

Dear Halloween Costume,


What was I thinking? 


Dear Lindsey,

Not only do you clean the entire house obsessive compulsively and do my laundry, you also ridiculously inexpensive. My house has never been cleaner. You're a godsend!  What am I going to do without you? My roommates are filthy fork-hoarding non-rent paying slobs.

Dear Facebook:
You make it possible for me to mindread the daily ponderings of all my acquaintances - AND to get realtime news on the events and happenings they care about.
Now, I not only know beyond doubt how stupid and dull my circle is, but it also turns out that...deep deep down...everybody I know is really shallow.
Even the commentary I make up for my dog when he licks his balls is better.
Missing my delusions of friends with hidden substance,

dear black cat,

So I'm smoking a cigarette outside this morning and you run up to me and you look like you are shivering.  Why does your owner not keep you inside at night?  Is it because he's a 80 year old hoarder and he has no room to accommodate you? 

Sort of sad,


Dear Adrienne,

Will you please write some posts for Dear Life? We're missing your wit.  

[Please comment and indicate your interest in Adrienne posting on the blog.  Hopefully peer pressure will be effective].


Dear a**hole ,

So yesterday you robbed my roommate in broad daylight in front of our house.  Unfortunately for you, you only managed to get away with a bag that you thought was her purse -- however, as I'm sure you've found out by now, it only contained ..... hair extensions.  Don't ask me why she was carrying a bag with hair extensions in it... she's a hairdresser if you really must know.  And why after robbing someone would you take off on foot to the Captain D's across the street and chill out until my other badass roommate comes running after you like a madman.  I'm sorry that your crime spree was so unsuccessful.  I'm pretty sure that a black man wearing blond hair extensions is going to draw quite a bit of attention.  Oh wait, we don't need to wonder because you already got arrested.  Hope prison is a blast! 


Dear procrastination,

You've got me by the nuts. Please let go.


Sent from my iPhone

Dear Penis,

Dear New Kids on the Block radio (a la Pandora)

Thank you for making my morning bus commute a little less horrible considering I am beginning my week on a Friday.


dear job,  

I felt vaguely guilty today as I spent the entire morning taking care of my personal email and researching other job opportunities.  I also felt a little guilty leaving right at 5pm as the over-achievers were just warming up. I'm conflicted.  A part of me really wants to quit my job and wander around the world.  Another part of me wants to move to NYC and have the time of my life (this is the latest fixation).  A third part of me wants to stay put because it's comfortable and I'm lazy.  Another part of me wants to move back to my hometown so I can be closer to my family, not the part of me that wants to get the hell out of dodge after a week of being around them.  

I feel a little bit like this is my life and it's ending one minute at a time and I am too codependent and comfortable to do anything about it.  What happened to courage?  I don't want to be a space monkey any longer.  I think our strategy is stupid and I'm spending my time with my head buried in spreadsheets substantiating projects I don't even agree with.... dealing with unmanageable people with unreasonable expectations... oh  wait, that's me.  

stop creeping on my friends

Dear guy-
You're just out of a serious intense 5 year relationship that didn't
work out and you were heartbroken. I was there because it was like..
a month ago. So as much as I understand that you need to "move on"
and what not- can it not be with all my girlfriends? At first I was
like ohh fun. And I told my friends you're cool. But then I
remember you're probably not ready for a relationship. My friends
really like you and that would be fine if you were interested in them
for more than sex. However you aren't and it's pathetic that you
pretend. You slept with one and after a few times just stopped
calling her. Really? Then she comes to me like, "What happened?"
And now you're after my other friend. Just a warning to you, I'm
warning her this time!! Get your kicks off someone else's friends or
better yet keep your D in your pants and figure out your life.
My friends are not "those type" of girls!
Dear Fat BIOTCH at work,
In order to lose weight you have to actually go to the gym.....eating nasty smelling nustrisystem meals is clearly not working so why don't you try actually working out for once!!  Also, you seriously took a week off of work because you were gettign a new cat?!?!?!  And nooooo i did not want to see 30 pictures of said cat....ugh!  You might as well sew up your vajay-jay.
Do you not want to get laid EVER?!?!,
Dear Metabolism:
Fuck, man, where did you go? We used to kill cheeseburgers and fries like is was our job. You gotta come back because it's harder to make bunnies look if we're fat, dude. This whole new "what you eat makes a difference" thing sucks.

your voicemail

Dear Cubicle Neighbor,

I don't want to hear your voicemail. I don't think anybody else here does, either. I'm not sure why you feel the need to check it on speaker phone, but when you do, it makes me want to jump over the wall we share and punch you in the face.



dear banana bread oatmeal,
just because i want high fiber oatmeal instead of sugar-laden carbohydrate death does NOT mean that i want YOU to replace apples and cinnamon in the multipack of 3 flavors! maple brown sugar, cinnamon spice, and banana asshole: one of these things is NOT like the others. no amount of office non-dairy creamer can repair this catastrophe. i am sad. never enter my mouth ever again. (twss)
with sadness and a pukey face,

Dear Former F-Buddy,

You and I have been on again/off again for the better part of a year and I accepted a long time ago that we'd never be a real couple.  I tried to just be your hookup buddy, but my damn hormones keep overriding my brain and I always end up thinking about you, so I finally stopped seeing you.  And now here you are, calling again, trying to get back on me.  Now look, don't get me wrong; I am very flattered at your renewed interest in my vagina.  And I swear, all i want to do is come over to your place and let you cook me some dinner and then pleasure me all night.  Don't you think I want that??  But you have to understand that my vagina and I are partners--we have to make these kinds of decisions together.  She has already given you far too many chances without even consulting me--well this time, I am not letting her take over!  I'm sorry, but we cannot see you.  You are too hot, your dick is too perfect, your lifestyle as a musician is too exciting and you are way too good at sex to ever settle down in a relationship or be exclusive with me.... but if I let my vagina even into the same room as you, neither of us stand a chance.  So I just have to walk away... I'm sorry.

You will always hold a special place in my vagina and in my masturbatory fantasies,

Austin City Limits

Dear Austin City Limits Music Festival,

You were fucking awesome.  I loved the music, the weather, the USC Gamecocks beating Alabama, and my VIP tickets that granted me free booze, food, and shade whenever I wanted. 

Also, Torchy's Tacos is the shit.

Forever yours,


Dear Lucy Van Pelt:

Dear Lucy Van Pelt of Peanuts:

Are you the evil genius behind Dear Life? Here's why I think, "Maybe."

Every autumn you hold the football for Charlie Brown to kick. And every year...sucker that he is...he thinks that this time, FOR REALS, you'll actually let him kick it. But then you yank the ball away and he sails ass-over-teakettle into "AAAUGH" inducing wipeout.

You SAY that dearlifeblog is back and you'll post the posts if they're tres awesome, but...are you for reals? Or are we getting Charlie Brown clowned?

Hopeful that "A" does not equal "L",



I really care about you. Really really. Do you know how hard it is for me to just NOT sleep with the cute guys that have been throwing themselves at me lately? First B and then S, it's as if as soon as my heart went out to you, their dicks came out to me. Nevertheless, nothing has happened with anyone…not even you! I know this long distance thing sucks, and I know you and I have had the "boyfriends" talk and that we're on the same page about that. But I need something from you, I need you to kiss me and dick me because if you won't… they will


With love,


dear life post :)

dear this weekend,

best. shitshow. ever.

spent friday barhopping, aka chasing delicious men from the film school all over town and ending at the nicest condo apt i've ever seen in my life. slept on creepiest twin size mattress EVER with the least cute of the film schoolers because i probably could have grown another head before i could have operated a vehicle. that was a fail.

spent all day saturday walking and bike riding in the gorgeous fall weather, then went out for a friend's 21st birthday. defended birthday girl's wasted roommate from a very wet girl that she had thrown 2 drinks on for no reason. TWO. i mean, you can possibly get a pass for the first drink if you literally can't stand up. but second drink? notttt really an excuse for that. as wet girl and her friends are tracking wasted roommate into the bathroom to fight her as she lays on the floor vomiting, i was sober enough to recognize the irony when the bathroom attendant turned to me and said "can i talk to you outside? you seem like you're coherent enough to help me with this situation." first and last time for THAT sentence in my life.

anyway, puke girl goes home (with the help of the bouncers, enlisted BY ME-- WHO IS THIS RESPONSIBLE ADULT AND WHY IS SHE USING MY BODY), the bar starts offering dollar shots to celebrate our football team completely murdering ass on a horrible rival team. get text message for booty call from old/quickly becoming current f-buddy (we'll call him a). responded VERY enthusiastically. drive to his apartment and toddle in my stripper heels across the complex-- not the best idea, in retrospect-- and have the following conversation with a very thugged out individual in a caddy:

Thugged Out Individual: "ay, girl!"
c: "hiii"
TOI: "whatchu doin? you look gooood. come with us."
c: "uh, no. sorry. i'm going to my boyfriend's house."
TOI: "nah, forget about him. i'll eat that p***y!"
c: "no... thanks?"

TOI shakes his head and drives off muttering about how i should forget about my boyfriend. i am laughing so hard i can't stand up straight. upon arrival, inform A that he had better do a good job, because i passed up a golden opportunity for cunnilingus from a gang member in the parking lot. (he did, by the way. do a good job that is.) 

i'm off to stalk all of my old dear life posts and maybe do homework... just kidding about that last part. may all of your weeks be filled with random guys offering to go down on you! SO glad dear life is back.


Dear Life is back + needs your help!

Dear Lifers past and present,

This is C checking in with some exciting news -- Dear Life is back.  I'm reaching out to you because at one point or another, you submitted a post. We'd like your help in bringing Dear Life back to life. 

What happened?

I had sushi with A last week and we were lamenting the death of the blog. With A's busy schedule entering the real world updating the blog as frequently became a challenge.  The posts stopped rolling in and a vicious spiral ensued.  

Why bring it back?

Many of us have felt like there's something missing without Dear Life around.  Recently I (and others) have been rediscovering the posts we submitted two or three years ago and reliving the forgotten hysterical, unbelievable, and yes, sometimes embarrassing and painful moments.   

What can I do to help?

The #1 thing you can do is submit a quality post.  To make this easier, we've enabled autoposting.  Send your post to and it will get automatically published.  

What else can I do?

Bookmark the page 

Tell your friends. 

Post about it on your blog.

Link to Dear Life

Give us feedback on the new layout and ideas for improvement.

Thanks for your help.  Lets bring this community back to life.  Now, come on and send a post in and let's kick this thing off:

Love, C 

Dear Calves,

Why do you hurt so much?  5K is not that far!  


Dear Barefoot Running,

Should I be a little bit embarrassed that I've been preaching about how barefoot running prevents injuries and then I go and get tendonitis on the top of my foot.... from running barefoot. 

Dear A,

I'm so thankful for this blog. I took about a year and a half off and just re-discovered you. I decided to re-read each of my posts and I practically re-lived my crazy life pre serious bf and pre law school. I'm still in law school, but the serious bf is out the window. I'm wondering if my re-discovery of this gift from God will help me to fall back into my past life of lots of fun and lots of boys (minus the time I hit that guy with my car and sans the scabies incident)?

I seriously hope we can find a way to get this blog going again so it can re-claim itself as my daily guilty pleasure (that amongst other things)!

A girl can only hope,
Dear internship,
I really like you a lot. You're the perfect blend of doing shit, and
checking facebook/twitter/blogs. Plus some cute boys work here! The
only thing is... you're giving me an alcohol problem. That's right.
Free Beer Friday was one of the reasons I wanted to work here. But
really beer/wine every Friday starting at 3:30 only makes it difficult
for me to consider driving home at 5. Furthermore, celebrations of
new clients with champagne, margaritas and tequila are great. But...
it really seems multiple days a week I'm drinking at work. Not to
mention post-work happy hours which happen basically everyday since we
work downtown. I used to exercise after work. Now I drink. Should
I avoid the temptations or just enjoy the free alchy since you're
paying me shit?
Dear Red Polka Dot Dress,

You have been dancing past my office all day. I can't help but take notice of how very bright, and loosely fitting you are. I can only imagine how you got here today. I'm sure it started with the simple question - What to wear? Why of course … the velvet polka dot dress I have been hiding away!!! You have been quite distracting this afternoon, yet a saving grace.

The heavy-set women you so graciously adorn is simply radiating in your velour-ious fabric. I must give you credit for concealing the extra rolls of frumpy fat, typically navigating the halls. I commend you for providing full coverage of the expansive FUPA prominently boomeranging around. Hallelujah!I didn't know she owed something so practical that was capable of augmenting her perfect human sphere, equal in width and height. I thought I would never meet you.

Although I didn't know velvet was back in style? In fact, I don't recall a velvet fad at all. You are truly velour-ious and mystifying. You keep rockin’ those blue and red polka dots. And even though people may frequently ridicule you or become fixated on your antiquated style, and even alienate you because of your unusual elegance, don’t feel badly! You are truly a victim of societies’ naïveté. The full coverage you provide is uncommon, and even wickedly illustrious. You are an artist and a bandage for the fupa phenomenon; common with men and women so afflicted by the over consumption of Big Mac’s and Milkshakes, a sad result of our fast food nation. Your Fupandectomy should be honored. You are a force to be reckoned with and a dignified vision. It's not every day I can say I haven't been fupafied by your occupant. I hope to see you tomorrow and the next day, please also invite friends.



Ummm, Ok

Dear Justin Bieber,

You need somebody to love?!?! REALLY?!?! You are like 12 years old......wait until your body no longer resembles that of a pre-pubescent girl and then start looking for love. Also, please cut that mop on your head, despite what you think , it is not cute when you shake your head to get it out of your eyes!!!

Confused by younger generations taste in "men",

We're open for business. Send something funny enough, and I just might post it.
Check. Check. One two.