Dear Bitches At The Health Center,
Look, I KNOW I've made a few bad decisions...but god, you're mean! So, I had a few questions about the HPV vaccine. I thought you were fucking healthcare professionals and it was your JOB to answer my inquiries?! No need to be rude because it's almost 4 o'clock and you're all craving cigs and some Taco Bell. Jesus. This is important shit!
Also, Bitcho Nursey, thanks for lightening up by slightly showing a soul after tears welled up in my eyes when you forced me to take a pregnancy test for a drunken slip-up (literally).
Love,
A
P.S. Dear Boyfriend's Penis, My bladder says thanks for the infection.
Dear Life,
You are a tricksy little fucker, aren't you? On Saturday, when you decided to replay the exact fight I used to have every day with Guy Who Broke My Heart, only instead of Guy Who Broke My Heart it was New Guy I Am Kinda Seeing And Am Terrified Of Showing My Crazy To, did you think that was funny?! I hope you had a good laugh, because me, Hormones, and Beer Tears sure thought it was a HOOT.
Please, feel free to bring up the fact that I'm terrified of committment, withhold my feelings from people for fear of getting hurt, and just generally damaged whenever the fuck you feel like it. In the middle of a group of friends at a crowded bar on a Saturday night? WHY NOT. That's a perfect opportunity to bring up all my emotional shortcomings!
I thought it was especially great how you managed to not only embarass me in public by making me cry, but also simultaneously expose me for the looney that I am to New Guy AND bring back a flood of memories of Guy Who Broke My Heart and the multitude of things I did wrong in that relationship before he walked out on me and I never heard from him again. It was really poignant, the A-ha Moment I had when I realized that even though I have supposedly moved on with my life, nothing has really changed in the past three years. At all.
Thanks A Mil,
CF
You are a tricksy little fucker, aren't you? On Saturday, when you decided to replay the exact fight I used to have every day with Guy Who Broke My Heart, only instead of Guy Who Broke My Heart it was New Guy I Am Kinda Seeing And Am Terrified Of Showing My Crazy To, did you think that was funny?! I hope you had a good laugh, because me, Hormones, and Beer Tears sure thought it was a HOOT.
Please, feel free to bring up the fact that I'm terrified of committment, withhold my feelings from people for fear of getting hurt, and just generally damaged whenever the fuck you feel like it. In the middle of a group of friends at a crowded bar on a Saturday night? WHY NOT. That's a perfect opportunity to bring up all my emotional shortcomings!
I thought it was especially great how you managed to not only embarass me in public by making me cry, but also simultaneously expose me for the looney that I am to New Guy AND bring back a flood of memories of Guy Who Broke My Heart and the multitude of things I did wrong in that relationship before he walked out on me and I never heard from him again. It was really poignant, the A-ha Moment I had when I realized that even though I have supposedly moved on with my life, nothing has really changed in the past three years. At all.
Thanks A Mil,
CF
Dear family,
As always, you make me appreciate my life more and more with every family event. I am glad that I was able to spend some time with you all yesterday at the SB party at BB Kings. It was cousin Y's HUGE event, and I'm glad you guys all played your roles.
Best "crazy cousin" award goes to...
As always, Cousin D, for punching his girl in the mouth because she was "talking" to the male waiter
Best lap dance goes to...
My 63-year-old Aunt M (still trying to figure out how she does those splits...)
Best family entertainer goes to...
Big R for his 20-minute piece on giving head to a crowd filled with all ages, including (2) babies, (5) 10-12-year-olds, and (1) 90-year-old woman in the front row (who somehow didn't look at all surprised or bothered by what he was saying)
Best rally speech for Obama goes to...
Cousin Y, who went on a drunken endorsement campaign for 30-minutes, until her father came on-stage and apologized for her, but still contended that Obama was the best choice for us "(insert slang word for black people here)". All bad.
Best parent award goes to...
Uncle F for bring his 10-month-old son to a bar, filled with our drunk family members, who, I might add, smoked weed for the entire second half of the football game. I'm sure the child ended up with some form of contact high. Good times...
Best peach cobbler recipe goes to...
Cousin K, who wins by a landslide because she uses a secret ingredient that her doctor prescribes to her for muscle pains. I'm not exactly sure what it is, but I've heard her claim that "God put this on tha earth for us to use" and that "it's all natural" and "should be legalized ASAP". Hmm...wonder what it could be...
Best incest award goes to...
Cousin A, who led me in a discussion about how we were not REALLY related because he was on my "aunt's side" and that, since he lived in Texas now, we weren't even really close cousins, so anything we did would be ok...(I avoided him for the rest of the evening.)
And finally, the award you all have been waiting for...
Best dressed female
(drumroll please...)
UNCLE T, who wore purple leather "skinny" pants, a thick rhinestone belt, a see-through v-neck sweater with a tan suede vest, Chanel scarf, 3 studded rings, 58 silver bangles, a long rhinestone chain with a "T" at the end, and shiny red plastic heels. But lest we not forget, the 2-feet of indian weave that he paid $180 for, which, I might add, was soooo straight and shiny, that for a second I thought he was a very tan asian woman. (and there I stood, amazed and slightly envious)
Thank you family...for always staying true to yourselves, your alcohol, your kids, your weed, and your weave. I will always love you because I have no choice, and because the county said I'm too old to put myself up for adoption.
See you all this summer for Gran Gran's great great great grandchildren's party!
I can't make this stuff up,
TR
As always, you make me appreciate my life more and more with every family event. I am glad that I was able to spend some time with you all yesterday at the SB party at BB Kings. It was cousin Y's HUGE event, and I'm glad you guys all played your roles.
Best "crazy cousin" award goes to...
As always, Cousin D, for punching his girl in the mouth because she was "talking" to the male waiter
Best lap dance goes to...
My 63-year-old Aunt M (still trying to figure out how she does those splits...)
Best family entertainer goes to...
Big R for his 20-minute piece on giving head to a crowd filled with all ages, including (2) babies, (5) 10-12-year-olds, and (1) 90-year-old woman in the front row (who somehow didn't look at all surprised or bothered by what he was saying)
Best rally speech for Obama goes to...
Cousin Y, who went on a drunken endorsement campaign for 30-minutes, until her father came on-stage and apologized for her, but still contended that Obama was the best choice for us "(insert slang word for black people here)". All bad.
Best parent award goes to...
Uncle F for bring his 10-month-old son to a bar, filled with our drunk family members, who, I might add, smoked weed for the entire second half of the football game. I'm sure the child ended up with some form of contact high. Good times...
Best peach cobbler recipe goes to...
Cousin K, who wins by a landslide because she uses a secret ingredient that her doctor prescribes to her for muscle pains. I'm not exactly sure what it is, but I've heard her claim that "God put this on tha earth for us to use" and that "it's all natural" and "should be legalized ASAP". Hmm...wonder what it could be...
Best incest award goes to...
Cousin A, who led me in a discussion about how we were not REALLY related because he was on my "aunt's side" and that, since he lived in Texas now, we weren't even really close cousins, so anything we did would be ok...(I avoided him for the rest of the evening.)
And finally, the award you all have been waiting for...
Best dressed female
(drumroll please...)
UNCLE T, who wore purple leather "skinny" pants, a thick rhinestone belt, a see-through v-neck sweater with a tan suede vest, Chanel scarf, 3 studded rings, 58 silver bangles, a long rhinestone chain with a "T" at the end, and shiny red plastic heels. But lest we not forget, the 2-feet of indian weave that he paid $180 for, which, I might add, was soooo straight and shiny, that for a second I thought he was a very tan asian woman. (and there I stood, amazed and slightly envious)
Thank you family...for always staying true to yourselves, your alcohol, your kids, your weed, and your weave. I will always love you because I have no choice, and because the county said I'm too old to put myself up for adoption.
See you all this summer for Gran Gran's great great great grandchildren's party!
I can't make this stuff up,
TR
Dear STUPID DRUNK WHORE who pulled the fire alarm when I was ALMOST asleep,
I fucking heard you seeing as my bedroom is right next to the side door stairwell. If I find you....I am blowing a whistle in your ear until you go deaf. Do you know how fucking hard it is to put clothes on in 30 seconds? I HATE YOU. On the other hand....you did cause us to have a fabulous 1 am power hour....well power 2 hours....but on the third hand....its also going to be your fault when I miss my 9 am. Somehow I don't think an alarm pulling induced 1 am power hour counts as a valid excuse. Can you please save that shit for friday nights? Some people have classes on friday, unlike you tramps who work your schedule around 50 cent beer night.
Writing this after I missed my 9 am class because I was not about to walk to that shizz in the rain,
Charlotte
I fucking heard you seeing as my bedroom is right next to the side door stairwell. If I find you....I am blowing a whistle in your ear until you go deaf. Do you know how fucking hard it is to put clothes on in 30 seconds? I HATE YOU. On the other hand....you did cause us to have a fabulous 1 am power hour....well power 2 hours....but on the third hand....its also going to be your fault when I miss my 9 am. Somehow I don't think an alarm pulling induced 1 am power hour counts as a valid excuse. Can you please save that shit for friday nights? Some people have classes on friday, unlike you tramps who work your schedule around 50 cent beer night.
Writing this after I missed my 9 am class because I was not about to walk to that shizz in the rain,
Charlotte
Dear One of My Best Guy Friends,
I love you! But two things 1) Don't you ever get naked in front of me again and make a move, I don't care how drunk you are. That's unacceptable, especially since you have but your dong in a friend of mine. 2) Yes I hate the word moist. Dont say it. And No I am not Amish.
Would that make it Three?
Tink
I love you! But two things 1) Don't you ever get naked in front of me again and make a move, I don't care how drunk you are. That's unacceptable, especially since you have but your dong in a friend of mine. 2) Yes I hate the word moist. Dont say it. And No I am not Amish.
Would that make it Three?
Tink
Dear life,
Why is it that I am underwhelmed by perfectly good guys? I have a guy who is totally interested in me -- shows everyone in public that we are together, compliments me to no end, enjoys kissing me and even likes to argue politics. Did I mention he is way hot and thinks I'm adorable? But, why is it that I can't stop focusing on the one thing that he is not...he isn't funny. I consider myself a funny person, but don't want to be the only funny one in a relationship. My idea of a good date is nonstop laughing and I think I only giggled a few times last night.
Is there something wrong with me? Should I lower my standards? Is being funny important to only me?
Attempting to make myself laugh,
Em
PS - when you kiss my ear and I giggle, that doesn't count as me laughing...i'm just tickelish
Why is it that I am underwhelmed by perfectly good guys? I have a guy who is totally interested in me -- shows everyone in public that we are together, compliments me to no end, enjoys kissing me and even likes to argue politics. Did I mention he is way hot and thinks I'm adorable? But, why is it that I can't stop focusing on the one thing that he is not...he isn't funny. I consider myself a funny person, but don't want to be the only funny one in a relationship. My idea of a good date is nonstop laughing and I think I only giggled a few times last night.
Is there something wrong with me? Should I lower my standards? Is being funny important to only me?
Attempting to make myself laugh,
Em
PS - when you kiss my ear and I giggle, that doesn't count as me laughing...i'm just tickelish
dear *new* boy,
come the fuck on. where are you? i'm so sick of "missing" exes who i know aren't worth my time. sooooo, whenever you're ready to show yourself i'm down.
by the way, if you're over 6' with some blue eyes and dark hair, you get extra points. but i'm not specific. just be cool as fuck with a "holy shit, i'm gonna piss myself you're so funny" sense of humor. thanks.
sincerely,
-j
come the fuck on. where are you? i'm so sick of "missing" exes who i know aren't worth my time. sooooo, whenever you're ready to show yourself i'm down.
by the way, if you're over 6' with some blue eyes and dark hair, you get extra points. but i'm not specific. just be cool as fuck with a "holy shit, i'm gonna piss myself you're so funny" sense of humor. thanks.
sincerely,
-j
dear roxie,
you were the best dog ever.
you ate everything that we dropped on the floor, ran to the front door with your tail wagging every day when i got home from school, slept at the foot of my bed, and made everyone that ever came to our house smile. plus, you were pretty much the cutest thing i ever saw, and you had the same color red hair as i did, and your nose was pink instead of black.
so i hope it didn't hurt when they put you to sleep yesterday,
and i hope you weren't scared,
and i hope you aren't as sad as we are.
the house feels empty without you.
i know you're in heaven chillin' with my great grandma and tupac and heath ledger, so you'll have a good time.
i just miss you so much already.
can't wait to see you in 80+ years (and hoping that my eyes will return to their normal size and color before then),
-c
you were the best dog ever.
you ate everything that we dropped on the floor, ran to the front door with your tail wagging every day when i got home from school, slept at the foot of my bed, and made everyone that ever came to our house smile. plus, you were pretty much the cutest thing i ever saw, and you had the same color red hair as i did, and your nose was pink instead of black.
so i hope it didn't hurt when they put you to sleep yesterday,
and i hope you weren't scared,
and i hope you aren't as sad as we are.
the house feels empty without you.
i know you're in heaven chillin' with my great grandma and tupac and heath ledger, so you'll have a good time.
i just miss you so much already.
can't wait to see you in 80+ years (and hoping that my eyes will return to their normal size and color before then),
-c
Dear Me and Plans for this Weekend,
You're tired, you've had a busy week where you've discovered that getting wasted on week nights and throwing up in the toilets before class is uncool and not a good idea, you're avoiding shady boy that you may or may not have shagged this week and you've now got a spot. So, I was thinking...stay in all weekend masturbating?
Good plan.
Love Jodie (unplugging the phone)
You're tired, you've had a busy week where you've discovered that getting wasted on week nights and throwing up in the toilets before class is uncool and not a good idea, you're avoiding shady boy that you may or may not have shagged this week and you've now got a spot. So, I was thinking...stay in all weekend masturbating?
Good plan.
Love Jodie (unplugging the phone)
Dear Hickey On My Neck,
Sixth grade called, it wants you back.
Also, way to show up on the day when I had to sit on a panel and have 200 prospective students ask me about grad school. Cool.
You Suck, But The Good Kind Of Sucking.
A
P.S. Dear Multiple O's from rendevous leading to said hickey, ooo0000OOOOOOOOOO!!! Thank You God. And thank you for turning my brain to mush.
Sixth grade called, it wants you back.
Also, way to show up on the day when I had to sit on a panel and have 200 prospective students ask me about grad school. Cool.
You Suck, But The Good Kind Of Sucking.
A
P.S. Dear Multiple O's from rendevous leading to said hickey, ooo0000OOOOOOOOOO!!! Thank You God. And thank you for turning my brain to mush.
Dear celebs,
I feel so bad for you. Your life must be really hard. It's only natural that you turn to drugs to make you feel better. Constant money, attention, fame, and "work" must all get to you. So sad. I on the other had have the perfect life- not much money, not as skinny/attractive as you, people generally don't care about me... so I don't do drugs. How does this make sense exactly? Also- if I do drugs/go to rehab will I be as cool as you?
Confused,
-Ladiva
PS- Yes I'm talking to you Eva Mendes
I feel so bad for you. Your life must be really hard. It's only natural that you turn to drugs to make you feel better. Constant money, attention, fame, and "work" must all get to you. So sad. I on the other had have the perfect life- not much money, not as skinny/attractive as you, people generally don't care about me... so I don't do drugs. How does this make sense exactly? Also- if I do drugs/go to rehab will I be as cool as you?
Confused,
-Ladiva
PS- Yes I'm talking to you Eva Mendes
Dear Common Sense,
Listen. I know we've never had this talk before, because I've always been one of those girls who knew better. Nevertheless, you sir, are NOT allowed to go on vacation. EVER. I'm sorry. Your job description said nothing about nights and weekends. So last night/this morning: that was a completely unacceptable incident. Remember: I'm one of those girls who KNOWS better. But alas, last night, you allowed me to, in a drunken stupor, allow the common sense of the BF to take over and not wait for the bus that went back to my house, but rather take the one that went back to his. Sure, I got my paper done (while sobering up), but then this morning, I had to leave his place at 8:30am in an rain/ice storm in the 3.5" heeled boots I so desperately needed to wear. You know full well I have those shoes saved up for when I have a car instead of having to rely on a bus! I had to walk to the bus without an umbrella in terrible shoes and with my paper folded up inside my cute, sexy purse because I didn't have a bag. I couldn't even call anyone for a ride because I had left my phone at home as well! And common sense, YOU would've known this was going to happen and stopped at least most of it from happening had you BEEN THERE! Jerk.
You're grounded,
ML
Listen. I know we've never had this talk before, because I've always been one of those girls who knew better. Nevertheless, you sir, are NOT allowed to go on vacation. EVER. I'm sorry. Your job description said nothing about nights and weekends. So last night/this morning: that was a completely unacceptable incident. Remember: I'm one of those girls who KNOWS better. But alas, last night, you allowed me to, in a drunken stupor, allow the common sense of the BF to take over and not wait for the bus that went back to my house, but rather take the one that went back to his. Sure, I got my paper done (while sobering up), but then this morning, I had to leave his place at 8:30am in an rain/ice storm in the 3.5" heeled boots I so desperately needed to wear. You know full well I have those shoes saved up for when I have a car instead of having to rely on a bus! I had to walk to the bus without an umbrella in terrible shoes and with my paper folded up inside my cute, sexy purse because I didn't have a bag. I couldn't even call anyone for a ride because I had left my phone at home as well! And common sense, YOU would've known this was going to happen and stopped at least most of it from happening had you BEEN THERE! Jerk.
You're grounded,
ML
Dear Life,
I hope today is as fantastic as I am imagining. After a week of ongoing chatter with my hot 6 ft 4 guy, he asked me to dinner and tonight is the night! I believe his exact words were "would you care to have dinner together?" OMG he's too adorable for words!
Hoping to post something even better tomorrow,
Em
I hope today is as fantastic as I am imagining. After a week of ongoing chatter with my hot 6 ft 4 guy, he asked me to dinner and tonight is the night! I believe his exact words were "would you care to have dinner together?" OMG he's too adorable for words!
Hoping to post something even better tomorrow,
Em
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