Dear uncontrollable sexual tension,
Here’s the thing: When my mouth is telling someone how shitty they’ve been to me over the past year and my little heart is breaking into a million pieces, you’ve really got to NOT make me pounce on them as soon as I get one drink in me. It kind of sends a mixed message.
So much for closure,
Eloise
Dear Dear Life Blog:
You're like a million spectator sports rolled into one. I want in on the prelist to buy seats ringside for the TR and KB knife-fight. And the only thing that could interrupt CF's mood-swing triathlon is a depakote and haldol cocktail.
Somebody stop the peanut guy next time he's in our aisle. This is the best show ever. I don't even need a life of my own anymore...this is nonstop, commercial-free schadenfreude.
-T
p.s. "A"...how the hell do you trim your arm hair? I'm a GUY and can't even see the point of it. Maybe I need Rogaine hand-lotion? And how do you manage to trim the other arm with opposite-handed scissors? Confused and carrying a sharp object here...
You're like a million spectator sports rolled into one. I want in on the prelist to buy seats ringside for the TR and KB knife-fight. And the only thing that could interrupt CF's mood-swing triathlon is a depakote and haldol cocktail.
Somebody stop the peanut guy next time he's in our aisle. This is the best show ever. I don't even need a life of my own anymore...this is nonstop, commercial-free schadenfreude.
-T
p.s. "A"...how the hell do you trim your arm hair? I'm a GUY and can't even see the point of it. Maybe I need Rogaine hand-lotion? And how do you manage to trim the other arm with opposite-handed scissors? Confused and carrying a sharp object here...
Dear Mom & Dad,
Thanks for listening to me tell you about the fab/posh charity event I'm planning/volunteering for and then turning around and buying tickets to it. I should be glad you shelled out the $500/ticket because it's for charity... but deep inside I wish I was attending and not you! I will be there to check your coats while you enjoy the fruits of my labor. Slip me some "free" drinks (and some money) please.
~LaDiva~
Thanks for listening to me tell you about the fab/posh charity event I'm planning/volunteering for and then turning around and buying tickets to it. I should be glad you shelled out the $500/ticket because it's for charity... but deep inside I wish I was attending and not you! I will be there to check your coats while you enjoy the fruits of my labor. Slip me some "free" drinks (and some money) please.
~LaDiva~
Dear everyone that I know,
Can you guys just chill the f*ck out for like 2 seconds? I swear to Buddha, I'm going to start choppin toes if y'all mofos don't calm down and stop trying to get on my sh*t list.
Here's who I have so far, as of March 2008:
1) that b*tch, KB (reason: for being born)
2) my bf (only for like 4 seconds tho, reason: for befriending that b*tch, KB)
3) that loser muffin who threatened my sister (reason: because he is mentally challenged on purpose)
4) my car's motor mounts (reason: because they are weak, little bastards!)
5) Ms. Ray (reason: she made me write a 3-page fundraiser proposal and then didn't even read it)
6) My cousin, Y (reason: she owes me $300)
7) Some dude at Food 4 Less last night (reason: he ran into me with his basket, didn't apologize, then proceeded to act like he didn't speak english, only to offer me "coupons?" while I was packing my groceries. Maybe that was his way of apologizing for pushing me. Well, f*ck it, he still made the list.)
...and last but not least, an old addition to a new list:
8) my 40-something loser co-worker (reason: for giving me the silent treatment this morning FOR NO REASON! No reason, people. I stood 6 feet away from her desk, called her name and asked if she wanted anything from the vending machine, and the trick ignored me! Can you believe that???)
So if you are a person that I know, please bust your ass and keep yourself off this list. Because you really don't want me to sick Karma on your ass. That b*tch is my best friend and she handles her business. I just sit back and watch the mayhem, then take full credit. She doesn't mind, she's on probation anyway.
Karma is my co-pilot,
TR
Can you guys just chill the f*ck out for like 2 seconds? I swear to Buddha, I'm going to start choppin toes if y'all mofos don't calm down and stop trying to get on my sh*t list.
Here's who I have so far, as of March 2008:
1) that b*tch, KB (reason: for being born)
2) my bf (only for like 4 seconds tho, reason: for befriending that b*tch, KB)
3) that loser muffin who threatened my sister (reason: because he is mentally challenged on purpose)
4) my car's motor mounts (reason: because they are weak, little bastards!)
5) Ms. Ray (reason: she made me write a 3-page fundraiser proposal and then didn't even read it)
6) My cousin, Y (reason: she owes me $300)
7) Some dude at Food 4 Less last night (reason: he ran into me with his basket, didn't apologize, then proceeded to act like he didn't speak english, only to offer me "coupons?" while I was packing my groceries. Maybe that was his way of apologizing for pushing me. Well, f*ck it, he still made the list.)
...and last but not least, an old addition to a new list:
8) my 40-something loser co-worker (reason: for giving me the silent treatment this morning FOR NO REASON! No reason, people. I stood 6 feet away from her desk, called her name and asked if she wanted anything from the vending machine, and the trick ignored me! Can you believe that???)
So if you are a person that I know, please bust your ass and keep yourself off this list. Because you really don't want me to sick Karma on your ass. That b*tch is my best friend and she handles her business. I just sit back and watch the mayhem, then take full credit. She doesn't mind, she's on probation anyway.
Karma is my co-pilot,
TR
Dear Universe,
WHAT am I doing that you are so pissed off at me?! I don't get it. On Friday I get chewed out by my boss for being late (which is maybe a little uptight but, OK, valid). I feel really guilty and vow to do better. Monday - I wake up bright and early, even have time for breakfast (!), and hop on the metro only to have some assface get sick, forcing the whole fucking train to evacuate and wait 15 minutes for another one. Surprise - late to work. WAH. Tuesday - I'm up early, munchin' my granola...I stroll down the street to the metro and only THEN do I realize that I left my entire wallet (with my metro card) in my OTHER coat. So, I sprint home and then back to the station - in heels no less- and get to work 10 min late to find my boss waiting for me at the front desk. No.fucking.fair. I mean, I understand being punished for being lazy/not giving a crap, but COME ON! - you're just being hateful.
Boo, You Whore,
CF
WHAT am I doing that you are so pissed off at me?! I don't get it. On Friday I get chewed out by my boss for being late (which is maybe a little uptight but, OK, valid). I feel really guilty and vow to do better. Monday - I wake up bright and early, even have time for breakfast (!), and hop on the metro only to have some assface get sick, forcing the whole fucking train to evacuate and wait 15 minutes for another one. Surprise - late to work. WAH. Tuesday - I'm up early, munchin' my granola...I stroll down the street to the metro and only THEN do I realize that I left my entire wallet (with my metro card) in my OTHER coat. So, I sprint home and then back to the station - in heels no less- and get to work 10 min late to find my boss waiting for me at the front desk. No.fucking.fair. I mean, I understand being punished for being lazy/not giving a crap, but COME ON! - you're just being hateful.
Boo, You Whore,
CF
Dear Aklen Place Town Homes in Hillsborro Village,
I look forward to making you my new home in June. Not only are you a town home rather than an apartment, give us access to a pool, and come with a washer and dryer.... I will once again only be 2 minutes away from Aids. Yes that's what I said, 2 minutes.
How excited are you? It will be like our rendezvous on West End!
Rock on,
Tink
I look forward to making you my new home in June. Not only are you a town home rather than an apartment, give us access to a pool, and come with a washer and dryer.... I will once again only be 2 minutes away from Aids. Yes that's what I said, 2 minutes.
How excited are you? It will be like our rendezvous on West End!
Rock on,
Tink
Dear ex-boyfriend,
Pretty sure that the phrase "if this keeps going on I'm going to have to break up with you" is ample and direct warning. Stop being a complete douchelord and insisting to our friends that I just "dropped you" out of nowhere to make me look like a bitch. You know you're just mad this bangin' bod is now surrounded by a team full of hot hockey players for me to choose from.
Get off me,
st
P.S. "Getting kicked in the back of the face" is actually impossible, but thanks for reassuring me that if I want intelligent children you're not the right choice.
Pretty sure that the phrase "if this keeps going on I'm going to have to break up with you" is ample and direct warning. Stop being a complete douchelord and insisting to our friends that I just "dropped you" out of nowhere to make me look like a bitch. You know you're just mad this bangin' bod is now surrounded by a team full of hot hockey players for me to choose from.
Get off me,
st
P.S. "Getting kicked in the back of the face" is actually impossible, but thanks for reassuring me that if I want intelligent children you're not the right choice.
Dear life,
On Saturday night I knew I was going to a frat party with a "topless waitress." What I didn't know was that I would be the ONLY OTHER GIRL THERE and that by "topless waitress" you meant nasty naked pierced girl doing a sex show with a dildo drill. Therefore you can't really blame me for drinking mass quantities and then blacking out and (evidently) telling my boyfriend's pledge class that my boobs are bigger than the gross stripper's. I might feel bad for for making my boyfriend miss the "show" but I feel much worse that he spent the remainder of the evening cleaning my vom off of a cab, the door of our apartment building, & our bathroom floor. Sick life for real.
~LaDiva~
On Saturday night I knew I was going to a frat party with a "topless waitress." What I didn't know was that I would be the ONLY OTHER GIRL THERE and that by "topless waitress" you meant nasty naked pierced girl doing a sex show with a dildo drill. Therefore you can't really blame me for drinking mass quantities and then blacking out and (evidently) telling my boyfriend's pledge class that my boobs are bigger than the gross stripper's. I might feel bad for for making my boyfriend miss the "show" but I feel much worse that he spent the remainder of the evening cleaning my vom off of a cab, the door of our apartment building, & our bathroom floor. Sick life for real.
~LaDiva~
Dear Me,
Note to self: The next time you think about beginning with beer at noon, consuming 142 of them, moving on to half a bottle of wine, eating Indian Food, then wrapping it all up with 4 margaritas, don't.
You will puke just like you did all night last night. ugh. i taste fennel and tequila.
Good times,
blondie
Note to self: The next time you think about beginning with beer at noon, consuming 142 of them, moving on to half a bottle of wine, eating Indian Food, then wrapping it all up with 4 margaritas, don't.
You will puke just like you did all night last night. ugh. i taste fennel and tequila.
Good times,
blondie
Dear People In Musical Theater,
Why is it suddenly OK for you to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook just because it's part of your "getting ready process"? It's not a picture documenting you warming up, it's a picture that you posted so everyone could stare at your tits in a boostea. Attentionwhore.
Stop It,
A
P.S. Brides, this goes for you too. We don't need to see you in your dressing room in only a petticoat. It's not necessary for me to understand that you got married to have to see your entire 45 minutes in your dressing room posted on the Internet.
P.P.S. Kelly, this does not apply to you. I would love to see you tits anytime.
Why is it suddenly OK for you to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook just because it's part of your "getting ready process"? It's not a picture documenting you warming up, it's a picture that you posted so everyone could stare at your tits in a boostea. Attentionwhore.
Stop It,
A
P.S. Brides, this goes for you too. We don't need to see you in your dressing room in only a petticoat. It's not necessary for me to understand that you got married to have to see your entire 45 minutes in your dressing room posted on the Internet.
P.P.S. Kelly, this does not apply to you. I would love to see you tits anytime.
Dear Mo,
I know this sounds weird...but I'm actually looking forward to traffic school today. Why? Because we got speeding tickets around the same time and have planned it so we may attend together, and giggle in the back like school girls while everyone else gets to be miz watching videos of people being projected out of vehicles, pounded about the theory of defensive driving, and have to alone endure an instructor whose drawl will most likely be thicker than Little Jimmy Dickens and who adjusts his elastic waistband around his muffintop approx twice every 5 minutes.
We Beat The System, Let's Pass Notes,
A
I know this sounds weird...but I'm actually looking forward to traffic school today. Why? Because we got speeding tickets around the same time and have planned it so we may attend together, and giggle in the back like school girls while everyone else gets to be miz watching videos of people being projected out of vehicles, pounded about the theory of defensive driving, and have to alone endure an instructor whose drawl will most likely be thicker than Little Jimmy Dickens and who adjusts his elastic waistband around his muffintop approx twice every 5 minutes.
We Beat The System, Let's Pass Notes,
A
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