Dear Sexy L.A. Man,
Not only did you give me the greatest 6-timer night of sex, but now you have given me 3 counts of phone sex in 2 weeks. Ummm. Get your ass on a plane and come see me now sir. You're horniness is way too contagious for us to be on opposite sides of the country. Praying you land another commercial so you can afford to fly the friendly skies...also praying you realize actors can find work in nyc too...
rawr,
blondie
Dear Latino boy I'm dating,
Let's have sex soon, if only so I can find out if you're circumcised. I hear a lot of men in Latin America aren't, and I really can't wait to find out if you're still in possession of your foreskin or not. Seriously, the suspense is killing me — like waiting to open a Christmas present that's just sitting under the tree.
You just texted me asking to hang out tonight so here's hoping,
WanderingChick
PS If you could be super hung, that would be fab too.
Let's have sex soon, if only so I can find out if you're circumcised. I hear a lot of men in Latin America aren't, and I really can't wait to find out if you're still in possession of your foreskin or not. Seriously, the suspense is killing me — like waiting to open a Christmas present that's just sitting under the tree.
You just texted me asking to hang out tonight so here's hoping,
WanderingChick
PS If you could be super hung, that would be fab too.
Dear "New" Crush,
I'm completely unimpressed with your g/f, and actually somewhat insulted that you'd rather date her. I wish I had the courage to tell you that in person, but I don't. Just know that I'm judging you a little bit, and nursing my wounded pride.
Consider me having totally given up, because I'm not even sure I would want to date you now, especially if she were to break up with you because I do not want to be second best to her. I know this makes me sound completely egotistical, but you know me--I have less self-confidence than would fill a thimble. That said, losing to her makes me sick because I'm sure I have at least as much to offer as she does, and I suspect I have more.
Maybe some day I'll find someone who does want what I have to offer. Maybe not. But you made your choice, and I'm not impressed. And given how much I generally admire you and your decisions as a friend, that makes me sad.
R
I'm completely unimpressed with your g/f, and actually somewhat insulted that you'd rather date her. I wish I had the courage to tell you that in person, but I don't. Just know that I'm judging you a little bit, and nursing my wounded pride.
Consider me having totally given up, because I'm not even sure I would want to date you now, especially if she were to break up with you because I do not want to be second best to her. I know this makes me sound completely egotistical, but you know me--I have less self-confidence than would fill a thimble. That said, losing to her makes me sick because I'm sure I have at least as much to offer as she does, and I suspect I have more.
Maybe some day I'll find someone who does want what I have to offer. Maybe not. But you made your choice, and I'm not impressed. And given how much I generally admire you and your decisions as a friend, that makes me sad.
R
Dear Life,
So, I was OK when my BFF told me that she and her husband of 20 years were going to try an 'open' relationship. However, when that entailed the two of them trying to fuck other people in our 'circle of friends', I got uncomfortable. I said outright, "OK…don't tell me, because really, it's not OK with me and I don't want to know about it". But you insisted. Really, I don't need the drama. I actually like my friends. And, having my friends and even distant friends not want to hang out with ME because they are worried that my 'open relationship' friends (this means you) might want to start fucking their significant others. Yeah, OK, I get it. It's not cool. Do you even care that you are going to significantly fuck up my relationships with other people forever?
Why, why, why must you try to fuck within the inner circle? I mean, even the outer far-reaching circle can be, as I have found out personally, NOT cool. Go fuck someone you have never met. Really, try it. Oh, it's not about the sex you say. Now you are 'poly-amorous'. Really? Because I can see divorce just around corner; if not from your husband, then maybe from our friendship. Seriously. Not cool.
Signed,
Down with drama
So, I was OK when my BFF told me that she and her husband of 20 years were going to try an 'open' relationship. However, when that entailed the two of them trying to fuck other people in our 'circle of friends', I got uncomfortable. I said outright, "OK…don't tell me, because really, it's not OK with me and I don't want to know about it". But you insisted. Really, I don't need the drama. I actually like my friends. And, having my friends and even distant friends not want to hang out with ME because they are worried that my 'open relationship' friends (this means you) might want to start fucking their significant others. Yeah, OK, I get it. It's not cool. Do you even care that you are going to significantly fuck up my relationships with other people forever?
Why, why, why must you try to fuck within the inner circle? I mean, even the outer far-reaching circle can be, as I have found out personally, NOT cool. Go fuck someone you have never met. Really, try it. Oh, it's not about the sex you say. Now you are 'poly-amorous'. Really? Because I can see divorce just around corner; if not from your husband, then maybe from our friendship. Seriously. Not cool.
Signed,
Down with drama
dear uterus/additional female parts,
please do not have a fetus in you. that'd realllly not work out right now (...or ever?). negative prego test but still not raggin' is seriously bumming me out.
additionally, if you could please stop giving me terribly painful UTIs every.single.goddamn.time after a wild night of sex with my boyfriend, that'd be super. really.
sorry about the TMIs,
-j
please do not have a fetus in you. that'd realllly not work out right now (...or ever?). negative prego test but still not raggin' is seriously bumming me out.
additionally, if you could please stop giving me terribly painful UTIs every.single.goddamn.time after a wild night of sex with my boyfriend, that'd be super. really.
sorry about the TMIs,
-j
Dear Baltimore City Motor Vehicle Administration:
Here are things that were simply amazing about my recent trip to get my Maryland drivers license:
1) the gentleman in front of me in line freely offered me the information that he was "there to get his license back from the courts"
2) same dude so graciously said, "damn, you are the best looking woman that's been in here all day. Your feet are real pretty. I want to take you out and get your feet done."
3) ...he also asked if I was married.
4) your doors are guarded by armed policemen.
However, I appreciate that I was somehow in and out in under 45 minutes.
Keeping life interesting,
gg
Here are things that were simply amazing about my recent trip to get my Maryland drivers license:
1) the gentleman in front of me in line freely offered me the information that he was "there to get his license back from the courts"
2) same dude so graciously said, "damn, you are the best looking woman that's been in here all day. Your feet are real pretty. I want to take you out and get your feet done."
3) ...he also asked if I was married.
4) your doors are guarded by armed policemen.
However, I appreciate that I was somehow in and out in under 45 minutes.
Keeping life interesting,
gg
Dear life-
This morning when I was doing the walk of shame back to my apartment wearing daisy dukes and a t-shirt, a greasy guy in bleached ripped up jeans approached me and asks me where I work. WTF? So of course I ask why and he says he wants to offer me a job..."In the entertainment industry." Mother fucker. I guess dressing like a skank gets you these thrilling opportunities of being randomly given an "entertainment industry" job at 7 am in the morning... Note to self- stop dressing like a stripper or people will think that's your dream job.
Keeping my cheeks hidden for a while...
~LaDiva~
This morning when I was doing the walk of shame back to my apartment wearing daisy dukes and a t-shirt, a greasy guy in bleached ripped up jeans approached me and asks me where I work. WTF? So of course I ask why and he says he wants to offer me a job..."In the entertainment industry." Mother fucker. I guess dressing like a skank gets you these thrilling opportunities of being randomly given an "entertainment industry" job at 7 am in the morning... Note to self- stop dressing like a stripper or people will think that's your dream job.
Keeping my cheeks hidden for a while...
~LaDiva~
Dear Dear Lifers,
So I've been reading this blog long enough to feel like a creeper if I don't start contributing. So, a little about myself: I hate committment, love shoes, prefer cats over dogs and sex over chocolate and get all hot when I meet sexy Latino men. I own a pair of skinny purple jeans and have two tattoos. I once dropped acid on Halloween night in a college town. I'm dating a guy who doesn't speak English and has an Ecuadorian accent I have trouble understanding. Fellow Dear Lifer Eloise is my bff since kindergarten. I'm generally lazy, which is why I'm blogging at work.
Here's promising to make as many poor life decisions as possible for the sake of literary value,
WanderingChick
So I've been reading this blog long enough to feel like a creeper if I don't start contributing. So, a little about myself: I hate committment, love shoes, prefer cats over dogs and sex over chocolate and get all hot when I meet sexy Latino men. I own a pair of skinny purple jeans and have two tattoos. I once dropped acid on Halloween night in a college town. I'm dating a guy who doesn't speak English and has an Ecuadorian accent I have trouble understanding. Fellow Dear Lifer Eloise is my bff since kindergarten. I'm generally lazy, which is why I'm blogging at work.
Here's promising to make as many poor life decisions as possible for the sake of literary value,
WanderingChick
Dear Life,
I wore a shirt and tie to my latest interview. Why? Because I'm a fucking college graduate. Did I get the job? Yes. Totally awesome right? My BA totally just landed me the job of 3rd shift stock boy at the grocery store. From the hours of 10pm straight through 6am I will be taking shit off of a truck, making sure that Captain Crunch is sitting pretty on the shelf, and buffing the ever-loving hell out of that linoleum floor. I never thought I'd say this, but I really miss working for Poolservice Company. Why is this the best North Carolina's economy can offer? Do I kill myself now or later? Seriously.
Who wants my DVD collection?
Dan in NC
I wore a shirt and tie to my latest interview. Why? Because I'm a fucking college graduate. Did I get the job? Yes. Totally awesome right? My BA totally just landed me the job of 3rd shift stock boy at the grocery store. From the hours of 10pm straight through 6am I will be taking shit off of a truck, making sure that Captain Crunch is sitting pretty on the shelf, and buffing the ever-loving hell out of that linoleum floor. I never thought I'd say this, but I really miss working for Poolservice Company. Why is this the best North Carolina's economy can offer? Do I kill myself now or later? Seriously.
Who wants my DVD collection?
Dan in NC
Dear apartment managers,
Who the hell are you guys? No, seriously, WHO are you? I've only seen the twos of yous about 1 time each, and that was when you were individually handing out verbal warnings about double parking and "illegal bbq'ing". You guys are ass-wipes, seriously. How can you just walk up to someone you don't even know and who doesn't even recognize you as the landlord, and commence to tell them how they "can't" do something? I mean, you might wanna start introducing yourself to ppl since you are NEVER around in the daytime, none of my neighbors know what you look like, and mostly all of the tenants think that you guys are the crackhead twins. Also, the word "asshole" is occasionally tossed around when referring to either of you. That's not necessarily a GOOD thing, guys.
I'm not saying you have to be nice, just be present. It does WONDERS for the comfort and animosity levels of your apartment dwellers if they can actually see you walking around the complex cleaning, or maybe painting that freakin wall that those little tweeners wrote love tags all over. It does NOT do you guys any good or make your rent checks arrive any sooner when you roam around the apartment at all hours of the night, quietly approach a resident, and then start running off at the mouth about oil spots in the parking lot. This is especially bad to do to me since you never know what kind of self-defense mechanism I might be bearing at that time. I'm just giving you fair warning so that when you get busted in the head with a size-10 Nine West heel, you can't blame me. (My kung fu is strong.)
Here are some tips for you guys to be better managers:
1) Stop asking random ass personal questions about my life. It goes from making conversation to just being creepy. Especially since you have copies of my apartment key and you ask what time i usually get home. So not cool.
2) Stop trying to enforce noise violation codes when you own a motorcycle that sounds like WWIII in the parking lot. You know, at 1am on a Tuesday, people are usually sleeping and don't have the luxury/insanity to ride around on a motorcycle. Just a thought.
3) Don't stroll up on my house guests and start telling them that they can't hang out on my patio. You dumb trick! Those antics could get you faded in the hood. You're just lucky we don't live in the hood.
4) Fix the faucet. It's been messed up since I moved in and you guys refuse to fix it. Don't be surprised if I hold your crack money, i mean, rent checks for a few extra days until you fix it.
5) Quit your full-time jobs. It might help you guys to be better landlords. Otherwise, you are gonna hear me talking shit about you after every encounter we have. You guys deserve it. Only an asshole would call the cops on us at 7pm just because we were playing Cranium too loud. It was Saturday, you prick, don't hate just b/c YOU don't have any plans for the weekend.
With these great tips in mind, you guys should be in tip top shape by next year.
Keep up the great work!
TR
Who the hell are you guys? No, seriously, WHO are you? I've only seen the twos of yous about 1 time each, and that was when you were individually handing out verbal warnings about double parking and "illegal bbq'ing". You guys are ass-wipes, seriously. How can you just walk up to someone you don't even know and who doesn't even recognize you as the landlord, and commence to tell them how they "can't" do something? I mean, you might wanna start introducing yourself to ppl since you are NEVER around in the daytime, none of my neighbors know what you look like, and mostly all of the tenants think that you guys are the crackhead twins. Also, the word "asshole" is occasionally tossed around when referring to either of you. That's not necessarily a GOOD thing, guys.
I'm not saying you have to be nice, just be present. It does WONDERS for the comfort and animosity levels of your apartment dwellers if they can actually see you walking around the complex cleaning, or maybe painting that freakin wall that those little tweeners wrote love tags all over. It does NOT do you guys any good or make your rent checks arrive any sooner when you roam around the apartment at all hours of the night, quietly approach a resident, and then start running off at the mouth about oil spots in the parking lot. This is especially bad to do to me since you never know what kind of self-defense mechanism I might be bearing at that time. I'm just giving you fair warning so that when you get busted in the head with a size-10 Nine West heel, you can't blame me. (My kung fu is strong.)
Here are some tips for you guys to be better managers:
1) Stop asking random ass personal questions about my life. It goes from making conversation to just being creepy. Especially since you have copies of my apartment key and you ask what time i usually get home. So not cool.
2) Stop trying to enforce noise violation codes when you own a motorcycle that sounds like WWIII in the parking lot. You know, at 1am on a Tuesday, people are usually sleeping and don't have the luxury/insanity to ride around on a motorcycle. Just a thought.
3) Don't stroll up on my house guests and start telling them that they can't hang out on my patio. You dumb trick! Those antics could get you faded in the hood. You're just lucky we don't live in the hood.
4) Fix the faucet. It's been messed up since I moved in and you guys refuse to fix it. Don't be surprised if I hold your crack money, i mean, rent checks for a few extra days until you fix it.
5) Quit your full-time jobs. It might help you guys to be better landlords. Otherwise, you are gonna hear me talking shit about you after every encounter we have. You guys deserve it. Only an asshole would call the cops on us at 7pm just because we were playing Cranium too loud. It was Saturday, you prick, don't hate just b/c YOU don't have any plans for the weekend.
With these great tips in mind, you guys should be in tip top shape by next year.
Keep up the great work!
TR
Dear apartment managers,
Who the hell are you guys? No, seriously, WHO are you? I've only seen the twos of yous about 1 time each, and that was when you were individually handing out verbal warnings about double parking and "illegal bbq'ing". You guys are ass-wipes, seriously. How can you just walk up to someone you don't even know and who doesn't even recognize you as the landlord, and commence to tell them how they "can't" do something? I mean, you might wanna start introducing yourself to ppl since you are NEVER around in the daytime, none of my neighbors know what you look like, and mostly all of the tenants think that you guys are the crackhead twins. Also, the word "asshole" is occasionally tossed around when referring to either of you. That's not necessarily a GOOD thing, guys.
I'm not saying you have to be nice, just be present. It does WONDERS for the comfort and animosity levels of your apartment dwellers if they can actually see you walking around the complex cleaning, or maybe painting that freakin wall that those little tweeners wrote love tags all over. It does NOT do you guys any good or make your rent checks arrive any sooner when you roam around the apartment at all hours of the night, quietly approach a resident, and then start running off at the mouth about oil spots in the parking lot. This is especially bad to do to me since you never know what kind of self-defense mechanism I might be bearing at that time. I'm just giving you fair warning so that when you get busted in the head with a size-10 Nine West heel, you can't blame me. (My kung fu is strong.)
Here are some tips for you guys to be better managers:
1) Stop asking random ass personal questions about my life. It goes from making conversation to just being creepy. Especially since you have copies of my apartment key and you ask what time i usually get home. So not cool.
2) Stop trying to enforce noise violation codes when you own a motorcycle that sounds like WWIII in the parking lot. You know, at 1am on a Tuesday, people are usually sleeping and don't have the luxury/insanity to ride around on a motorcycle. Just a thought.
3) Don't stroll up on my house guests and start telling them that they can't hang out on my patio. You dumb trick! Those antics could get you faded in the hood. You're just lucky we don't live in the hood.
4) Fix the faucet. It's been messed up since I moved in and you guys refuse to fix it. Don't be surprised if I hold your crack money, i mean, rent checks for a few extra days until you fix it.
5) Quit your full-time jobs. It might help you guys to be better landlords. Otherwise, you are gonna hear me talking shit about you after every encounter we have. You guys deserve it. Only an asshole would call the cops on us at 7pm just because we were playing Cranium too loud. It was Saturday, you prick, don't hate just b/c YOU don't have any plans for the weekend.
With these great tips in mind, you guys should be in tip top shape by next year.
Keep up the great work!
TR
Who the hell are you guys? No, seriously, WHO are you? I've only seen the twos of yous about 1 time each, and that was when you were individually handing out verbal warnings about double parking and "illegal bbq'ing". You guys are ass-wipes, seriously. How can you just walk up to someone you don't even know and who doesn't even recognize you as the landlord, and commence to tell them how they "can't" do something? I mean, you might wanna start introducing yourself to ppl since you are NEVER around in the daytime, none of my neighbors know what you look like, and mostly all of the tenants think that you guys are the crackhead twins. Also, the word "asshole" is occasionally tossed around when referring to either of you. That's not necessarily a GOOD thing, guys.
I'm not saying you have to be nice, just be present. It does WONDERS for the comfort and animosity levels of your apartment dwellers if they can actually see you walking around the complex cleaning, or maybe painting that freakin wall that those little tweeners wrote love tags all over. It does NOT do you guys any good or make your rent checks arrive any sooner when you roam around the apartment at all hours of the night, quietly approach a resident, and then start running off at the mouth about oil spots in the parking lot. This is especially bad to do to me since you never know what kind of self-defense mechanism I might be bearing at that time. I'm just giving you fair warning so that when you get busted in the head with a size-10 Nine West heel, you can't blame me. (My kung fu is strong.)
Here are some tips for you guys to be better managers:
1) Stop asking random ass personal questions about my life. It goes from making conversation to just being creepy. Especially since you have copies of my apartment key and you ask what time i usually get home. So not cool.
2) Stop trying to enforce noise violation codes when you own a motorcycle that sounds like WWIII in the parking lot. You know, at 1am on a Tuesday, people are usually sleeping and don't have the luxury/insanity to ride around on a motorcycle. Just a thought.
3) Don't stroll up on my house guests and start telling them that they can't hang out on my patio. You dumb trick! Those antics could get you faded in the hood. You're just lucky we don't live in the hood.
4) Fix the faucet. It's been messed up since I moved in and you guys refuse to fix it. Don't be surprised if I hold your crack money, i mean, rent checks for a few extra days until you fix it.
5) Quit your full-time jobs. It might help you guys to be better landlords. Otherwise, you are gonna hear me talking shit about you after every encounter we have. You guys deserve it. Only an asshole would call the cops on us at 7pm just because we were playing Cranium too loud. It was Saturday, you prick, don't hate just b/c YOU don't have any plans for the weekend.
With these great tips in mind, you guys should be in tip top shape by next year.
Keep up the great work!
TR
Dear life,
Nobody ever tells you that being single is so much more expensive than having a man. Since when do I have to buy my own drinks, meals and cab rides? I thought it would be pretty sweet to be unattached for once- and it's not bad... but I don't know how much longer I can afford my expensive/fabulous lifestyle.
Single and fabulous?
~LaDiva~
Nobody ever tells you that being single is so much more expensive than having a man. Since when do I have to buy my own drinks, meals and cab rides? I thought it would be pretty sweet to be unattached for once- and it's not bad... but I don't know how much longer I can afford my expensive/fabulous lifestyle.
Single and fabulous?
~LaDiva~
To my darling little dog Gracie,
Let's have a little chat. You know that I love you to death and that I think you are awesome. You are trained well, everyone loves you and you have such a great personality.
However, I was a little apprehensive when I walked through the door last night after work and you came up to me with your head down instead of in full-on freak out wagging your whole body mode. That always means something is wrong. I looked around to survey the damage and saw that you had destroyed an envelope on the couch. So far, no big deal - it's not like you tear anything up on a regular basis. Hey, at least you contained the mess to a small circle on the couch.
Then, I saw the puke. Two piles on the love seat and three piles on the big couch. I must admit, I am a little concerned considering you weigh twelve pounds. I was not aware that it was possible for such a small animal to puke so much. In fact, I was not even aware your stomach would hold that much to throw up.
I just wanted to let you know that I'm not angry at you. But if you feel like practicing for the vomit olympics again, could you maybe just do it on the floor so it's easier to clean up? And maybe on a day when your daddy is off work so he can take care of it?
Love,
Mama
Let's have a little chat. You know that I love you to death and that I think you are awesome. You are trained well, everyone loves you and you have such a great personality.
However, I was a little apprehensive when I walked through the door last night after work and you came up to me with your head down instead of in full-on freak out wagging your whole body mode. That always means something is wrong. I looked around to survey the damage and saw that you had destroyed an envelope on the couch. So far, no big deal - it's not like you tear anything up on a regular basis. Hey, at least you contained the mess to a small circle on the couch.
Then, I saw the puke. Two piles on the love seat and three piles on the big couch. I must admit, I am a little concerned considering you weigh twelve pounds. I was not aware that it was possible for such a small animal to puke so much. In fact, I was not even aware your stomach would hold that much to throw up.
I just wanted to let you know that I'm not angry at you. But if you feel like practicing for the vomit olympics again, could you maybe just do it on the floor so it's easier to clean up? And maybe on a day when your daddy is off work so he can take care of it?
Love,
Mama
Dear co-worker,
Thank you for telling me yesterday that you hoped your daughter would "one day grow up and be as wholesome" as I am. I was quite appreciative of your comment.
However, I'm pretty sure you have mis-judged me. In fact, I almost fell to the floor laughing when you told me this. I then called my friends and my parents to tell them about this comment and only laughter ensued (Dad had to put Mom on the phone because he was almost crying, my then reacted with 'hah, you're no Virgin Mary')
I'm guessing he didn't hear about how I slept in another one of our co-worker's beds...or the fight I got into this weekend...or any of the other non-wholesome activities I take part in on a bi-hourly basis.
Today I put on the preppiest outfit I could find in my closet. Hey-- I'm trying to keep up the facade ;)
How did I pull this one off?
-Em
Thank you for telling me yesterday that you hoped your daughter would "one day grow up and be as wholesome" as I am. I was quite appreciative of your comment.
However, I'm pretty sure you have mis-judged me. In fact, I almost fell to the floor laughing when you told me this. I then called my friends and my parents to tell them about this comment and only laughter ensued (Dad had to put Mom on the phone because he was almost crying, my then reacted with 'hah, you're no Virgin Mary')
I'm guessing he didn't hear about how I slept in another one of our co-worker's beds...or the fight I got into this weekend...or any of the other non-wholesome activities I take part in on a bi-hourly basis.
Today I put on the preppiest outfit I could find in my closet. Hey-- I'm trying to keep up the facade ;)
How did I pull this one off?
-Em
Dear My Stockbroker:
Remember back in September when you told me I was insane to sell off 1/3 of all my stocks? Remember when you said it was stupid to invest based on rumors of recession and macroeconomic indicators like inflation and the Fed rate? Good thing I didn't listen, huh? How much more would I have lost in the last 9 months?
Thanks for trying to lose me shitloads more money you incompetent fucktard. If I'm going to pay pay somebody for doing nothing, they need to be smarter. Hove fun being fired.
-T
Remember back in September when you told me I was insane to sell off 1/3 of all my stocks? Remember when you said it was stupid to invest based on rumors of recession and macroeconomic indicators like inflation and the Fed rate? Good thing I didn't listen, huh? How much more would I have lost in the last 9 months?
Thanks for trying to lose me shitloads more money you incompetent fucktard. If I'm going to pay pay somebody for doing nothing, they need to be smarter. Hove fun being fired.
-T
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