Dear Coworkers,
My thin cubicle walls are probably not enough to protect me from the bubonic plague which is apparently going around the office. 5 people have already called in sick this morning, and I can hear the guy down the hall hacking like a life long smoker.
I do not want the plague. Please stay away from me.
Poppin' my C like a drug addict,
Shameless
Dear Friend's Older Brother,
No I don't want to go to Paris with you. No, not even if you pay for the train ticket
No I don't want to hang out with you when you are in town this weekend. the thought makes me want to vomit.
You are a toolbox and I only made out with you a YEAR ago because I had consumed an entire bath tub of tequila. I would have made out with the lamp by then if it had showed interest. I've tried to put that nauseating experience behind me. I wish you would do the same.
Which part of "never talk to me again" didn't you understand?
Shameless
No I don't want to go to Paris with you. No, not even if you pay for the train ticket
No I don't want to hang out with you when you are in town this weekend. the thought makes me want to vomit.
You are a toolbox and I only made out with you a YEAR ago because I had consumed an entire bath tub of tequila. I would have made out with the lamp by then if it had showed interest. I've tried to put that nauseating experience behind me. I wish you would do the same.
Which part of "never talk to me again" didn't you understand?
Shameless
Dear A and Dear Lifers,
At what point does one know when you are supposed to have a DTR discussion?
You've known each other for 2.5 weeks. Talk every day by either phone, text, or online. And lets be honest...you let him sleep over last weekend and it wasn't all innocent.
I definitely think it is too early to have this discussion, but a friend suggested it might be coming soon.
Help,
Em
At what point does one know when you are supposed to have a DTR discussion?
You've known each other for 2.5 weeks. Talk every day by either phone, text, or online. And lets be honest...you let him sleep over last weekend and it wasn't all innocent.
I definitely think it is too early to have this discussion, but a friend suggested it might be coming soon.
Help,
Em
Dear Eliot the Cat,
I love you but damn, why are you do against the idea of me sleeping. Every sneak into my bed with your furry cuteness and affection, then curl up in the spot least conducive to me sleeping. That's annoying enough, but you don't stay there, oh no. You poke me in the face, you try to spoon me, you stare creepily from the dark with your glowing yellow eyes. Last night I was awoken at 3am by an impromptu game of one cat tackle football. At least that's what I assume you were doing down there from the racket you were making. At least once a month of am woken by the sound of you yakking, on my clothes. When I try to throw you out of my room you hurl yourself against the door repeatedly like some sort of demented cat rapist. When I open the door in the morning you are standing right there, ready to dart back in and harass me some more.
Aside from being creepy this is annoying as hell.I know you love my but chill girl. Please cease and desist before I go insane from lack of sleep.
Lucky you are so cute,
Shameless
I love you but damn, why are you do against the idea of me sleeping. Every sneak into my bed with your furry cuteness and affection, then curl up in the spot least conducive to me sleeping. That's annoying enough, but you don't stay there, oh no. You poke me in the face, you try to spoon me, you stare creepily from the dark with your glowing yellow eyes. Last night I was awoken at 3am by an impromptu game of one cat tackle football. At least that's what I assume you were doing down there from the racket you were making. At least once a month of am woken by the sound of you yakking, on my clothes. When I try to throw you out of my room you hurl yourself against the door repeatedly like some sort of demented cat rapist. When I open the door in the morning you are standing right there, ready to dart back in and harass me some more.
Aside from being creepy this is annoying as hell.I know you love my but chill girl. Please cease and desist before I go insane from lack of sleep.
Lucky you are so cute,
Shameless
Dear Little Gnome Secretly Following Me Around,
First you hid my heart rate monitor so that I can no longer tell how many calories I am burning at the gym. Since you've been following me, you obviously know that I don't like exercise and that little monitor helps me know the bare minimum of grunt work I have to do in a day! I am not happy putting that extra time in on the elliptical as a just-in-case!
Then you took my awesome NARS cheek tint in "orgasm" (and yes it does give you that oh so fresh "oh" look). Gnomes have naturally rosy cheeks. Step off my product obsession little man.
Then, you took my ipod. I went off to the Yankee game without a care in the world and came home to find it missing, despite the fact that it was intentionally left at home. Not cool. I can't blame you for loving my taste in music, it rocks. But that's just wrong. I do not want to spend my upcoming vacation money on replacing my "can't live without" Ipod. While I am at work today, please just go back to the apartment and shove it in the couch cushions or something. I'll act like I didn't already look there and we'll be ok.
And now, within hours of my office getting re-keyed, you snatched my new set right off my wrist. I don't really like being made a fool of at work. They eye rolls and dirty looks I got this morning when I sheepishly told them that I am being stalked by a gnome didn't go over very well.
Stop causing me to feel like I am losing my mind, little gnome bastard. I'm TRYING to get my shit together.
Not afraid to spike you like a football when I catch you,
blondie
First you hid my heart rate monitor so that I can no longer tell how many calories I am burning at the gym. Since you've been following me, you obviously know that I don't like exercise and that little monitor helps me know the bare minimum of grunt work I have to do in a day! I am not happy putting that extra time in on the elliptical as a just-in-case!
Then you took my awesome NARS cheek tint in "orgasm" (and yes it does give you that oh so fresh "oh" look). Gnomes have naturally rosy cheeks. Step off my product obsession little man.
Then, you took my ipod. I went off to the Yankee game without a care in the world and came home to find it missing, despite the fact that it was intentionally left at home. Not cool. I can't blame you for loving my taste in music, it rocks. But that's just wrong. I do not want to spend my upcoming vacation money on replacing my "can't live without" Ipod. While I am at work today, please just go back to the apartment and shove it in the couch cushions or something. I'll act like I didn't already look there and we'll be ok.
And now, within hours of my office getting re-keyed, you snatched my new set right off my wrist. I don't really like being made a fool of at work. They eye rolls and dirty looks I got this morning when I sheepishly told them that I am being stalked by a gnome didn't go over very well.
Stop causing me to feel like I am losing my mind, little gnome bastard. I'm TRYING to get my shit together.
Not afraid to spike you like a football when I catch you,
blondie
Dear tarot card reader I saw this summer,
I tried to be open-minded when you mystically hinted that I'd find myself a swoon-worthy boy on Sept. 15, but I think I'm being punk'd. The only new people I encountered today were the old maintenance guy who fixed my smoke alarm and some fratarded bros on the bus. Thanks, but no thanks.
Can I please still own three properties and visit Germany?
Eloise
I tried to be open-minded when you mystically hinted that I'd find myself a swoon-worthy boy on Sept. 15, but I think I'm being punk'd. The only new people I encountered today were the old maintenance guy who fixed my smoke alarm and some fratarded bros on the bus. Thanks, but no thanks.
Can I please still own three properties and visit Germany?
Eloise
Dear Mac,
Its been a week and i want you to know i am really upset over what happened to you. I know we werent friends but i still knew you, the inhumane treatment you received over what was probably so pointless is sickening. I pray those 2 who took you away rot in hell.
I'll never forget one night at some random party i saw you dancing, you pointed to me then grabbed your penis - great memory!!
My thoughts are with your family and friends RIP.
CPD
Its been a week and i want you to know i am really upset over what happened to you. I know we werent friends but i still knew you, the inhumane treatment you received over what was probably so pointless is sickening. I pray those 2 who took you away rot in hell.
I'll never forget one night at some random party i saw you dancing, you pointed to me then grabbed your penis - great memory!!
My thoughts are with your family and friends RIP.
CPD
Gross+Sad
Dear Friend's Husband,
I've gotta admit I was quite surprised to get a text message from you at 4:45 AM this morning saying "Come see me. I love you, sexy mama."
So, I know you are the "Fun Bobby" of the crew - and when you drink you drink to the point of black out. And it's rumored you've been mildly innapropriate with many of our friends while drinking in the past. But we had heard you had gone cold turkey now that your wife is preggers and ya'll are alone in another state.
Not cool dude. Lay off the sauce and definitely lay off me. Take care of your wife and unborn kid. Does anyone know how to wash this ick off?
drunk isn't actually an excuse,
blondie
I've gotta admit I was quite surprised to get a text message from you at 4:45 AM this morning saying "Come see me. I love you, sexy mama."
So, I know you are the "Fun Bobby" of the crew - and when you drink you drink to the point of black out. And it's rumored you've been mildly innapropriate with many of our friends while drinking in the past. But we had heard you had gone cold turkey now that your wife is preggers and ya'll are alone in another state.
Not cool dude. Lay off the sauce and definitely lay off me. Take care of your wife and unborn kid. Does anyone know how to wash this ick off?
drunk isn't actually an excuse,
blondie
Dear Sparkly Minidress,
You are 90% covered in silver sequins. You hug my ass and show off my legs. I bought you in Ecuador, meaning no one else on this continent owns you. I may say tomorrow's (fabulous) party is for my BFF's birthday, but you'll be the real star. I'm even shaving my legs AND my pits for you.
Thanks for making me look like a slutty disco ball,
WandererChick
You are 90% covered in silver sequins. You hug my ass and show off my legs. I bought you in Ecuador, meaning no one else on this continent owns you. I may say tomorrow's (fabulous) party is for my BFF's birthday, but you'll be the real star. I'm even shaving my legs AND my pits for you.
Thanks for making me look like a slutty disco ball,
WandererChick
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