Dear Lifers,
When and how much "talking dirty" is ok? I got a glimpse of it on hook-up #1 and saw it in full action on hook-up #2. Is this too early? What does this say about him?
And how am I supposed to respond back? Currently I am just not saying anything. I know that sooner or later I'm not going to be able to pull off a moan in response...but I've never said things like that.
Is silence really golden?
Em
Dear titillating sex dream with my co-worker,
Ok, I get it. I have a crush on the co-worker, he has a crush on me. Our flirting is way obvi to everyone in the office. We aren't having real sex because he has a girlfriend, so we have hot sex in my dreams instead. But, um, next time, can his GF please not be there, walking in on us right before our happy ending? Dreams are supposed to avoid reality, not rub reality in my face.
Hoping for more spanking and less guilt next time around,
WandererChick
Ok, I get it. I have a crush on the co-worker, he has a crush on me. Our flirting is way obvi to everyone in the office. We aren't having real sex because he has a girlfriend, so we have hot sex in my dreams instead. But, um, next time, can his GF please not be there, walking in on us right before our happy ending? Dreams are supposed to avoid reality, not rub reality in my face.
Hoping for more spanking and less guilt next time around,
WandererChick
Dear boy that I am newly semi-dating,
When I told you I was a bad driver, I meant it.
I didn't mean to back into a ditch while backing out of your driveway, but what proceeded to happen was pretty funny...
I tried to get out, but my car started smelling badly and there was no moving it. So I call you. Twice. You don't answer. So I'm forced to go up to your house and ring the doorbell. I was going to just walk straight in, but the door is locked. At this point the dog is barking and you make it to the door. You look at me kind of puzzled. It was almost as if you thought I had changed my mind and wanted to stay the night. Your house alarm went off...it was a fiasco. So finally I get inside and I'm like "uhhh I backed into a ditch" And you are like...what??? And like I guess you don't believe me. So you start like trying to kiss me and I'm like..."No...seriously...this isn't an excuse to stay the night...I backed into a ditch as I was leaving!" So I finally get you outside and you're like "How the hell did that happen? Have you been drinking?" So you try to get me out and can't.
*We're still not even at the best part yet.*
We then decide that you are going to push my car out of the ditch as I hit the accelarator. That doesn't work. So you're like "Put it in the reverse and then immediately hit the gas."
So I put the car in reverse, but kind of freak out b/c it starts rolling backwards pretty quickly. Then I realize. Shitttt. You are behind the car and I just RAN YOU OVER!!!
I put the car in park and hop out and am like OMG OMG OMG I'm sooooo sorry!!! You lost your shoe and were pretty stunned. But I was like laughing b/c I was so embarassed. You were fine with it. And as you were finally getting my car out of the ditch, you were laughing pretty hard too.
Does this mean our next date is cancelled?
Hope your foot is ok,
Em
When I told you I was a bad driver, I meant it.
I didn't mean to back into a ditch while backing out of your driveway, but what proceeded to happen was pretty funny...
I tried to get out, but my car started smelling badly and there was no moving it. So I call you. Twice. You don't answer. So I'm forced to go up to your house and ring the doorbell. I was going to just walk straight in, but the door is locked. At this point the dog is barking and you make it to the door. You look at me kind of puzzled. It was almost as if you thought I had changed my mind and wanted to stay the night. Your house alarm went off...it was a fiasco. So finally I get inside and I'm like "uhhh I backed into a ditch" And you are like...what??? And like I guess you don't believe me. So you start like trying to kiss me and I'm like..."No...seriously...this isn't an excuse to stay the night...I backed into a ditch as I was leaving!" So I finally get you outside and you're like "How the hell did that happen? Have you been drinking?" So you try to get me out and can't.
*We're still not even at the best part yet.*
We then decide that you are going to push my car out of the ditch as I hit the accelarator. That doesn't work. So you're like "Put it in the reverse and then immediately hit the gas."
So I put the car in reverse, but kind of freak out b/c it starts rolling backwards pretty quickly. Then I realize. Shitttt. You are behind the car and I just RAN YOU OVER!!!
I put the car in park and hop out and am like OMG OMG OMG I'm sooooo sorry!!! You lost your shoe and were pretty stunned. But I was like laughing b/c I was so embarassed. You were fine with it. And as you were finally getting my car out of the ditch, you were laughing pretty hard too.
Does this mean our next date is cancelled?
Hope your foot is ok,
Em
Dear boy that I am newly semi-dating,
When I told you I was a bad driver, I meant it.
I didn't mean to back into a ditch while backing out of your driveway, but what proceeded to happen was pretty funny...
I tried to get out, but my car started smelling badly and there was no moving it. So I call you. Twice. You don't answer. So I'm forced to go up to your house and ring the doorbell. I was going to just walk straight in, but the door is locked. At this point the dog is barking and you make it to the door. You look at me kind of puzzled. It was almost as if you thought I had changed my mind and wanted to stay the night. Your house alarm went off...it was a fiasco. So finally I get inside and I'm like "uhhh I backed into a ditch" And you are like...what??? And like I guess you don't believe me. So you start like trying to kiss me and I'm like..."No...seriously...this isn't an excuse to stay the night...I backed into a ditch as I was leaving!" So I finally get you outside and you're like "How the hell did that happen? Have you been drinking?" So you try to get me out and can't.
*We're still not even at the best part yet.*
We then decide that you are going to push my car out of the ditch as I hit the accelarator. That doesn't work. So you're like "Put it in the reverse and then immediately hit the gas."
So I put the car in reverse, but kind of freak out b/c it starts rolling backwards pretty quickly. Then I realize. Shitttt. You are behind the car and I just RAN YOU OVER!!!
I put the car in park and hop out and am like OMG OMG OMG I'm sooooo sorry!!! You lost your shoe and were pretty stunned. But I was like laughing b/c I was so embarassed. You were fine with it. And as you were finally getting my car out of the ditch, you were laughing pretty hard too.
Does this mean our next date is cancelled?
Hope your foot is ok,
Em
When I told you I was a bad driver, I meant it.
I didn't mean to back into a ditch while backing out of your driveway, but what proceeded to happen was pretty funny...
I tried to get out, but my car started smelling badly and there was no moving it. So I call you. Twice. You don't answer. So I'm forced to go up to your house and ring the doorbell. I was going to just walk straight in, but the door is locked. At this point the dog is barking and you make it to the door. You look at me kind of puzzled. It was almost as if you thought I had changed my mind and wanted to stay the night. Your house alarm went off...it was a fiasco. So finally I get inside and I'm like "uhhh I backed into a ditch" And you are like...what??? And like I guess you don't believe me. So you start like trying to kiss me and I'm like..."No...seriously...this isn't an excuse to stay the night...I backed into a ditch as I was leaving!" So I finally get you outside and you're like "How the hell did that happen? Have you been drinking?" So you try to get me out and can't.
*We're still not even at the best part yet.*
We then decide that you are going to push my car out of the ditch as I hit the accelarator. That doesn't work. So you're like "Put it in the reverse and then immediately hit the gas."
So I put the car in reverse, but kind of freak out b/c it starts rolling backwards pretty quickly. Then I realize. Shitttt. You are behind the car and I just RAN YOU OVER!!!
I put the car in park and hop out and am like OMG OMG OMG I'm sooooo sorry!!! You lost your shoe and were pretty stunned. But I was like laughing b/c I was so embarassed. You were fine with it. And as you were finally getting my car out of the ditch, you were laughing pretty hard too.
Does this mean our next date is cancelled?
Hope your foot is ok,
Em
Where have you gone? I used to have something that resembled you around here somewhere. But I think you got lost in the office and the home office. And the reports being run at 2:00 AM and the bigoted asshole boss that deserves my heel in his ass.
Dear A-Life,
A-Life, you don't gotta be much, I'm easy to please - but I need you. It was pitiful enough that I would be thrilled to have time for just one night out with friends, that usually ended in me going home early in exhaustion and disortientation. But now that is gone.
My Tivo has begun deleting itself. My friends have all but written me off. My trainer thinks I'm lazy when I am in fact still just at the office when I miss our appointments. I did not shave my legs for the MONTH of October. Unacceptable. I'm a cute girl with a lot to offer. Let's balance out this business and pleasure thing. Come back to me baby. I need you.
All work and no play makes blondie a dull girl.
meh,
blondie
Dear A-Life,
A-Life, you don't gotta be much, I'm easy to please - but I need you. It was pitiful enough that I would be thrilled to have time for just one night out with friends, that usually ended in me going home early in exhaustion and disortientation. But now that is gone.
My Tivo has begun deleting itself. My friends have all but written me off. My trainer thinks I'm lazy when I am in fact still just at the office when I miss our appointments. I did not shave my legs for the MONTH of October. Unacceptable. I'm a cute girl with a lot to offer. Let's balance out this business and pleasure thing. Come back to me baby. I need you.
All work and no play makes blondie a dull girl.
meh,
blondie
Dear Girl at the Bus Stop,
Sorry I wasn't more talkative this morning, but I was kind of tired when you sneakily sidled up to me, stood way too close and complimented my earrings. That would have been fine, but I was a bit more spooked when you followed me onto the bus,sat down directly next to me (the entire bus was empty but us) and proceeded to chatter away about your unemployment, your overweight boyfriend with turrets who you met in rehab and the fact that you had both a cold and the stomach flu. It was the latter point that made me less than overjoyed when you spontaneously hugged me. So, sorry for seeming unfriendly but it was just a bit much for 8am, pre-caffeine. I don't feel too bad because you definatly didn't notice my discomfort and rising panic as you prattled on about your awkward social skills.
Jesus I need to buy a car,
Shameless
Sorry I wasn't more talkative this morning, but I was kind of tired when you sneakily sidled up to me, stood way too close and complimented my earrings. That would have been fine, but I was a bit more spooked when you followed me onto the bus,sat down directly next to me (the entire bus was empty but us) and proceeded to chatter away about your unemployment, your overweight boyfriend with turrets who you met in rehab and the fact that you had both a cold and the stomach flu. It was the latter point that made me less than overjoyed when you spontaneously hugged me. So, sorry for seeming unfriendly but it was just a bit much for 8am, pre-caffeine. I don't feel too bad because you definatly didn't notice my discomfort and rising panic as you prattled on about your awkward social skills.
Jesus I need to buy a car,
Shameless
Yeah, THIS was the post I meant to put up...
You were probably wondering why I posted that other Joe Cocker video. Don't worry, I don't actually care about his music....this just made me laugh. A lot.
Dear America,
I know I've been kind of distant for the last eight years, but I wanted to take a minute to say good job. Hell, I'll go a step further and even say that I'm proud of you. Damn proud. (I know - it's a new and confusing feeling for me too.) Turns out, it feels pretty good. What do you say we try and keep this up? I'm down if you are.
First time 'U-S-A, U-S-A!' chanter,
JF
Dear California,
Dude. We need to talk. You're supposed to be the forward-looking example to the rest of the nation. Instead, you decided to take a page from the history books (an unsuccessful one, I might add) and give the old 'separate but equal' thing a try. What gives? You and I both know I have always been way closer to you than the nation as a whole. But just because I'm enjoying this whole newfound national pride thing does not mean you should feel threatened! And there's definitely no need to act out and deny a group of citizens any rights because you're feeling insecure about your citizens' affections one day.
Now, what do you say we go ahead and have the State Supreme Court help the ACLU & Co. get this crap off the books and restore your good name? Because you and I both know you're better than this. So sack up already, admit you made a mistake, and right this wrong!
Waiting for you to remove your head from your ass and stop the h8te,
JF
I know I've been kind of distant for the last eight years, but I wanted to take a minute to say good job. Hell, I'll go a step further and even say that I'm proud of you. Damn proud. (I know - it's a new and confusing feeling for me too.) Turns out, it feels pretty good. What do you say we try and keep this up? I'm down if you are.
First time 'U-S-A, U-S-A!' chanter,
JF
Dear California,
Dude. We need to talk. You're supposed to be the forward-looking example to the rest of the nation. Instead, you decided to take a page from the history books (an unsuccessful one, I might add) and give the old 'separate but equal' thing a try. What gives? You and I both know I have always been way closer to you than the nation as a whole. But just because I'm enjoying this whole newfound national pride thing does not mean you should feel threatened! And there's definitely no need to act out and deny a group of citizens any rights because you're feeling insecure about your citizens' affections one day.
Now, what do you say we go ahead and have the State Supreme Court help the ACLU & Co. get this crap off the books and restore your good name? Because you and I both know you're better than this. So sack up already, admit you made a mistake, and right this wrong!
Waiting for you to remove your head from your ass and stop the h8te,
JF
Dear DTR talk,
What does it mean when I finally have you after 2 months and the guy on the other end says "I really like hanging out with you, but I'm not looking for anything serious right now?" Then he asks you to go see a movie with him??
Should I have responded with "Good to know since I've been sleeping with someone else?" I didn't...but I almost wish I would have.
Wishing the DTR was more defined,
Em
What does it mean when I finally have you after 2 months and the guy on the other end says "I really like hanging out with you, but I'm not looking for anything serious right now?" Then he asks you to go see a movie with him??
Should I have responded with "Good to know since I've been sleeping with someone else?" I didn't...but I almost wish I would have.
Wishing the DTR was more defined,
Em
Dear guy I'm totally crushing on,
Let's just talk about this natural high you have me on. I think about you all the time and have so much fun when we hang out. Kissing you is awesome and I wish I could spend a majority of the day doing it. Suddenly I don't feel like eating. Forget about sleeping-- I stay up at all hours thinking about you and wondering if you like me. When you call me I get all jittery. I'm totally addicted and I love it. If it could stay this way forever it would be amazing!!
Need another fix asap,
~LaDiva~
Let's just talk about this natural high you have me on. I think about you all the time and have so much fun when we hang out. Kissing you is awesome and I wish I could spend a majority of the day doing it. Suddenly I don't feel like eating. Forget about sleeping-- I stay up at all hours thinking about you and wondering if you like me. When you call me I get all jittery. I'm totally addicted and I love it. If it could stay this way forever it would be amazing!!
Need another fix asap,
~LaDiva~
Dear Guys I Hunt Ducks With:
You're ruining home for me. After this weekend, I want to pretend I'm from somewhere else. Our generations of heading into the marsh together might be done. You aren't good people at heart. You're racist, inbred shits who shiver in fear of change or challenge.
I doubt you know it, but I used to idolize you all. I wanted so badly for you to think I was "cool." You were always better at sports, more popular with prettier girls, and driving great cars when I rarely got to borrow my mom's rusted, busted-ass "Ford Country Squire" station wagon. You teased me for being insecure and quiet, for liking stuff beyond sports, guns and cars. But for the most part you let me be around you and were never overly cruel or obnoxious to me. You let me in, and I loved you for it like brothers.
Since we were all kids, going duck hunting with you has been a high point in the year. Members of our families have hunted together for three generations. We all know the same stories about these historic trips. Most of you still live out in the "heartland." Those of you who still own farms have to work extra jobs: usually in government - as jail guards, postmen, maintenance guys, part-time firemen or social workers - just to keep things going. I'm aware that it's tough. Most of you didn't go to college like I did. Only two of you who went actually got degrees. None of you served in the military or went to grad school. Several of us have moved away, but we've all made the trips back to go duck hunting as often as we can. I've done so without fail excepting when I was overseas.
Your snide comments about my accomplishments have increased in sharpness every year. Having to quit drinking didn't make use closer, either, it's hard to bond over booze when I'm retired.
Ironically, though, I've pushed myself to "not fail" since I moved away because, at least in part, I still hold myself to the standard I imagine I have to achieve so that you will like me. That was a totally backwards thing to feel, I know, because each new thing I do makes actually us more and more "unlike." But part of me still dreads coming back with my tail between my legs to scorn - so I make sure I always return with stories of achivement.
Since leaving home, and especially when I lived in NYC and SF, I have encountered people who look down on "hicks." I've always rabidly defended you from the snotty remarks of urbanite intellectuals. I've insisted you and others like you the nation over are NOT rednecks, but actually the most reliable and decent people on earth.
I think that's just what I want you to be...and maybe I shouldn't have played the part of your apologist.
Many of you have always said the occasional thing to make me cringe: racist jokes, nasty homophobic or religiously demeaning quips and stories, but I never attributed this to true malice. I had never seen any of you as nasty as I did this weekend:
Katrina jokes; Obama assassination jokes; really shitty religious slurs when we played cards at night, and; a constant harrangue on politics.
I am repelled and ashamed. I feel like explaining how I'm really NOT like you all...and erasing my connections with you and apologising to people for ever having had the urge to be like you. I resent feeling this way - I wish some of you would aspire to be as I imagined you...in the same I aspired to be something I imagined you might admire.
You break my fucking heart and make me want to hide my head...
Longing for some rose-colored glasses,
-T
You're ruining home for me. After this weekend, I want to pretend I'm from somewhere else. Our generations of heading into the marsh together might be done. You aren't good people at heart. You're racist, inbred shits who shiver in fear of change or challenge.
I doubt you know it, but I used to idolize you all. I wanted so badly for you to think I was "cool." You were always better at sports, more popular with prettier girls, and driving great cars when I rarely got to borrow my mom's rusted, busted-ass "Ford Country Squire" station wagon. You teased me for being insecure and quiet, for liking stuff beyond sports, guns and cars. But for the most part you let me be around you and were never overly cruel or obnoxious to me. You let me in, and I loved you for it like brothers.
Since we were all kids, going duck hunting with you has been a high point in the year. Members of our families have hunted together for three generations. We all know the same stories about these historic trips. Most of you still live out in the "heartland." Those of you who still own farms have to work extra jobs: usually in government - as jail guards, postmen, maintenance guys, part-time firemen or social workers - just to keep things going. I'm aware that it's tough. Most of you didn't go to college like I did. Only two of you who went actually got degrees. None of you served in the military or went to grad school. Several of us have moved away, but we've all made the trips back to go duck hunting as often as we can. I've done so without fail excepting when I was overseas.
Your snide comments about my accomplishments have increased in sharpness every year. Having to quit drinking didn't make use closer, either, it's hard to bond over booze when I'm retired.
Ironically, though, I've pushed myself to "not fail" since I moved away because, at least in part, I still hold myself to the standard I imagine I have to achieve so that you will like me. That was a totally backwards thing to feel, I know, because each new thing I do makes actually us more and more "unlike." But part of me still dreads coming back with my tail between my legs to scorn - so I make sure I always return with stories of achivement.
Since leaving home, and especially when I lived in NYC and SF, I have encountered people who look down on "hicks." I've always rabidly defended you from the snotty remarks of urbanite intellectuals. I've insisted you and others like you the nation over are NOT rednecks, but actually the most reliable and decent people on earth.
I think that's just what I want you to be...and maybe I shouldn't have played the part of your apologist.
Many of you have always said the occasional thing to make me cringe: racist jokes, nasty homophobic or religiously demeaning quips and stories, but I never attributed this to true malice. I had never seen any of you as nasty as I did this weekend:
Katrina jokes; Obama assassination jokes; really shitty religious slurs when we played cards at night, and; a constant harrangue on politics.
I am repelled and ashamed. I feel like explaining how I'm really NOT like you all...and erasing my connections with you and apologising to people for ever having had the urge to be like you. I resent feeling this way - I wish some of you would aspire to be as I imagined you...in the same I aspired to be something I imagined you might admire.
You break my fucking heart and make me want to hide my head...
Longing for some rose-colored glasses,
-T
Dear boy,
I realize we were both sloshed Friday night, but what's up with the fucking Hiroshima you gave me on my neck? Hickies? Seriously? Why, no, I did not intend to be a sexually active sixth grader for Halloween. It looks like I got mauled by a polar bear or have leprosy or the neck herp. And despite the solid inch of stage make-up I applied this morning, my neck still looks like the Baghdad of make-out sessions. As if anyone believes I had an allergic reaction to my Halloween costume of primarily cotton and hairspray.
Helping the economy with my scarf purchases,
Eloise
I realize we were both sloshed Friday night, but what's up with the fucking Hiroshima you gave me on my neck? Hickies? Seriously? Why, no, I did not intend to be a sexually active sixth grader for Halloween. It looks like I got mauled by a polar bear or have leprosy or the neck herp. And despite the solid inch of stage make-up I applied this morning, my neck still looks like the Baghdad of make-out sessions. As if anyone believes I had an allergic reaction to my Halloween costume of primarily cotton and hairspray.
Helping the economy with my scarf purchases,
Eloise
Dear doctor,
Thank you for finally making me feel better, but there’s a little problem with the treatment plan you’ve prescribed.
You see, sir, I’m pretty much high all the time. Somewhere along the way, the combination of pills you gave me to make me not have seizures and stuff turned me into a 15-year-old Halo player with the munchies.
While this was totally hilarious for, like, a week, being perma-baked is way less fun than I ever would have imagined. I giggle a lot. And fall on things. And creep on my coworkers. Which is more fun when you do it on purpose. I think my body is eventually supposed to adjust to this, but I’m not sure how much longer I can live in this world that vaguely resembles Oz.
Flyin’ high along the yellow brick road,
Eloise
P.S. Did that make any sense? I have no idea what I just wrote. As previously mentioned, I’m pretty hopped up. Like whoa.
Thank you for finally making me feel better, but there’s a little problem with the treatment plan you’ve prescribed.
You see, sir, I’m pretty much high all the time. Somewhere along the way, the combination of pills you gave me to make me not have seizures and stuff turned me into a 15-year-old Halo player with the munchies.
While this was totally hilarious for, like, a week, being perma-baked is way less fun than I ever would have imagined. I giggle a lot. And fall on things. And creep on my coworkers. Which is more fun when you do it on purpose. I think my body is eventually supposed to adjust to this, but I’m not sure how much longer I can live in this world that vaguely resembles Oz.
Flyin’ high along the yellow brick road,
Eloise
P.S. Did that make any sense? I have no idea what I just wrote. As previously mentioned, I’m pretty hopped up. Like whoa.
dear c's first frat party,
you know when you watch cheap shitty college movies and the characters go to the most epic party in the world?
you were like that, only better. you had an 8-foot-tall monster head with punch pouring out of its nose, a 20-foot-wide pit filled with ice and natty light, and almost-naked sluts galore.. of which i was one, of course. you made it almost effortless for me to get completely obliterated and make a variety of bad choices in public.. and perhaps under a stairwell.
but mostly, i appreciate the opportunity you provided for me to be the girl that fell FLAT ON HER ASS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DANCE FLOOR.
one second i'm grinding on a frat boy, the next i'm sitting cross legged on the floor staring up the skanky cop dress of my laughing best friend.
basically,
you were FUCKING AMAZING.
i think we should start seeing each other muuuuch more often.
so worth the "monster" headache (get it, because it's halloween!?!11?),
-c
you know when you watch cheap shitty college movies and the characters go to the most epic party in the world?
you were like that, only better. you had an 8-foot-tall monster head with punch pouring out of its nose, a 20-foot-wide pit filled with ice and natty light, and almost-naked sluts galore.. of which i was one, of course. you made it almost effortless for me to get completely obliterated and make a variety of bad choices in public.. and perhaps under a stairwell.
but mostly, i appreciate the opportunity you provided for me to be the girl that fell FLAT ON HER ASS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DANCE FLOOR.
one second i'm grinding on a frat boy, the next i'm sitting cross legged on the floor staring up the skanky cop dress of my laughing best friend.
basically,
you were FUCKING AMAZING.
i think we should start seeing each other muuuuch more often.
so worth the "monster" headache (get it, because it's halloween!?!11?),
-c
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