Dear Nice Boys,
Why are you always complaining that girls don't like you. I like you.
Stop chasing after bitches,
Shameless
Showing posts with label boys. Show all posts
Showing posts with label boys. Show all posts
Dear Attractive and Unavailable Male Friend,
I kinda want you. And I know its my fault that your not already my boo. I totally cock-blocked myself that time last summer when you asked me to come over and watch a movie with you. I didn't even know girls could cock-block, but here I am. Living proof. Anyway, you should remember that this is how our conversation went:
You: "I miss you. You should come over and watch a movie at my place."
Me: "Sounds cool. Who else is coming?"
You:"Uh, no one....Do....do you want someone else to come?"
Me: "Sure! You could invite Blahblahblahblahblah (that's the sound of me planting my foot
firmly in my mouth)."
And even later that night, you asked me to stay after my accessories to cock-blocking (a.k.a. 'friends') left. I said no, I had work the next morning. Because last summer's crappy office bitch job was way more important than us getting into each other's respective pants. My bad. Seriously. What's worse is that's not the only time I did something like that to you.
Fast forward to a couple nights ago. We were driving around town heading back to your place when you brought up the funny story of how one of your friends lost his V-card during a drunken night with a hot and anonymous frat-mattress sort of gal. Then you said you kinda regretted having a girlfriend (who I've learned from several reliable sources, look a hell of a lot like me) because you feel like you're missing out on spontaneous, sexy opportunities. You followed this gem with "Not that I'd cheat on my girlfriend, but..." and an awkward pause / significant look towards me.
Are you for real? You seriously can't toy with me like this. I'm sorry about screwing with you last summer, but one more hint of "I wanna have a no-pants dance off" from you and I'll be on you faster than Lindsay Lohan gets on a pile of blow. No lie.
Oh, and it'll be great meeting your girlfriend next week. Maybe I can call ahead so she and I can coordinate our outfits and see if you can tell us apart.
Looking forward to our mutual eye-f*cking in front of your gf,
D.clare
I kinda want you. And I know its my fault that your not already my boo. I totally cock-blocked myself that time last summer when you asked me to come over and watch a movie with you. I didn't even know girls could cock-block, but here I am. Living proof. Anyway, you should remember that this is how our conversation went:
You: "I miss you. You should come over and watch a movie at my place."
Me: "Sounds cool. Who else is coming?"
You:"Uh, no one....Do....do you want someone else to come?"
Me: "Sure! You could invite Blahblahblahblahblah (that's the sound of me planting my foot
firmly in my mouth)."
And even later that night, you asked me to stay after my accessories to cock-blocking (a.k.a. 'friends') left. I said no, I had work the next morning. Because last summer's crappy office bitch job was way more important than us getting into each other's respective pants. My bad. Seriously. What's worse is that's not the only time I did something like that to you.
Fast forward to a couple nights ago. We were driving around town heading back to your place when you brought up the funny story of how one of your friends lost his V-card during a drunken night with a hot and anonymous frat-mattress sort of gal. Then you said you kinda regretted having a girlfriend (who I've learned from several reliable sources, look a hell of a lot like me) because you feel like you're missing out on spontaneous, sexy opportunities. You followed this gem with "Not that I'd cheat on my girlfriend, but..." and an awkward pause / significant look towards me.
Are you for real? You seriously can't toy with me like this. I'm sorry about screwing with you last summer, but one more hint of "I wanna have a no-pants dance off" from you and I'll be on you faster than Lindsay Lohan gets on a pile of blow. No lie.
Oh, and it'll be great meeting your girlfriend next week. Maybe I can call ahead so she and I can coordinate our outfits and see if you can tell us apart.
Looking forward to our mutual eye-f*cking in front of your gf,
D.clare
Dear Tattooed Guys,
What is about you that I find so unbearably sexy??? I think it's the fact that you treat your body recklessly enough to permanently mark it with something as though you will never live past today and have to face it when it's faded and wrinkly. That's so 'rebel without a cause' and i would have arched my back for James Dean on command.
Mmmm, I Want To Lick Your Ink,
A
NOTE TO SELF: Make sure next boyfriend has tats.
What is about you that I find so unbearably sexy??? I think it's the fact that you treat your body recklessly enough to permanently mark it with something as though you will never live past today and have to face it when it's faded and wrinkly. That's so 'rebel without a cause' and i would have arched my back for James Dean on command.
Mmmm, I Want To Lick Your Ink,
A
NOTE TO SELF: Make sure next boyfriend has tats.
*MY FAVE OF THE DAY
Dear BF,
Seriously, I don't even know how you became my BF. You were just supposed to be the guy at work that I drunkenly made out with. But then you asked me to dinner??? Via a text message??? I like, laughed on the floor for hours with my roommates about that. And then I said yes, because free meal, right?
But somehow, free dinners turned into more and more time spent together, especially considering you sit like 15 feet from me in the office. And now I'm like, how do I get out of this? You are not attractive, you annoy the SHIT out of me, and your penis is like the smallest thing in the world. I'm like 50,000 ft out of your league. 2000 leagues out of your league.
Anyway, I don't see anyway out of this while we still work together.
Looking for a new job,
Neens
Dear BF,
Seriously, I don't even know how you became my BF. You were just supposed to be the guy at work that I drunkenly made out with. But then you asked me to dinner??? Via a text message??? I like, laughed on the floor for hours with my roommates about that. And then I said yes, because free meal, right?
But somehow, free dinners turned into more and more time spent together, especially considering you sit like 15 feet from me in the office. And now I'm like, how do I get out of this? You are not attractive, you annoy the SHIT out of me, and your penis is like the smallest thing in the world. I'm like 50,000 ft out of your league. 2000 leagues out of your league.
Anyway, I don't see anyway out of this while we still work together.
Looking for a new job,
Neens
Dear Selfish Immature Asshole (Pt. II),
The fact that I chose to respond to your IM about how I looked "fucking amazing" last weekend should in NO way be construed as an open invitation to start leaving me drunk smiley faces on my computer every night. Seriously, what is up with that? If you aren't complimenting my voice or my breasts or my intelligence, wit and charm, I honestly kind of lose interest fast. I pretty much only keep in contact with you so that I will have a cock/bed to sleep in the next time I visit the city you inhabit, and the effort it takes to listen to your inane ramblings online is almost not worth it. I would definitely be ignoring you by now if I didn't looooove the deliciously sinful feeling I get when I remember that by boning you I am also going behind the back of my uptight, catty friend. It's all so Days of Our Lives...
: ),
CF
The fact that I chose to respond to your IM about how I looked "fucking amazing" last weekend should in NO way be construed as an open invitation to start leaving me drunk smiley faces on my computer every night. Seriously, what is up with that? If you aren't complimenting my voice or my breasts or my intelligence, wit and charm, I honestly kind of lose interest fast. I pretty much only keep in contact with you so that I will have a cock/bed to sleep in the next time I visit the city you inhabit, and the effort it takes to listen to your inane ramblings online is almost not worth it. I would definitely be ignoring you by now if I didn't looooove the deliciously sinful feeling I get when I remember that by boning you I am also going behind the back of my uptight, catty friend. It's all so Days of Our Lives...
: ),
CF
Dear Worst Date of My Life,
I went out with you over a year ago, get over it! You cornered me last week and wanted to know why I didn't return you calls?! Here's why: My first clue that you were a pathetic skeezing loser was when your plan for the night was to pick up a 6 pack at the local gas station and watch a movie at my place...selected from the DVD collection on the floor of your car. When I shot down your sick idea of fun and forced you to take me out to a movie you spent the entire time biting your nails and narrating the whole film to me. As if I didn't think you were braindead enough by that point, you decided to ice the last bit of the cake by placing your Dasani bottle in the parking lot, only to comment "Someone else will pick it up." No one likes a litter bug you dumb bitch. Have some class!!!!
So in answer to your question, one night of subjection to your mindnumbing idiocity was enough. You're not cute, unemployed, and have the personality of a cactus. I know I'm gorgeous, but truly I'm not just out of your league, I'm in a whole other sport.
Keep Tennessee Beautiful Biotch!
Mo
I went out with you over a year ago, get over it! You cornered me last week and wanted to know why I didn't return you calls?! Here's why: My first clue that you were a pathetic skeezing loser was when your plan for the night was to pick up a 6 pack at the local gas station and watch a movie at my place...selected from the DVD collection on the floor of your car. When I shot down your sick idea of fun and forced you to take me out to a movie you spent the entire time biting your nails and narrating the whole film to me. As if I didn't think you were braindead enough by that point, you decided to ice the last bit of the cake by placing your Dasani bottle in the parking lot, only to comment "Someone else will pick it up." No one likes a litter bug you dumb bitch. Have some class!!!!
So in answer to your question, one night of subjection to your mindnumbing idiocity was enough. You're not cute, unemployed, and have the personality of a cactus. I know I'm gorgeous, but truly I'm not just out of your league, I'm in a whole other sport.
Keep Tennessee Beautiful Biotch!
Mo
Dear Friday night's hookup,
Yeah you were okay, I was mostly impressed with your willingness to splurge on a nice hotel and the foreplay was great (I think, I dont really remember..lets thank the last shot of tequila for that)...but there are just two things I should have told you. 1. My ex-boyfriend and his huge dick has ruined me for all future relationships, not your fault I just need a big ween and 2. Hand holding? HAND HOLDING? On our walk to brunch with your 4 gay friends you had the nerve to try to hold my hand not once, or twice but at least 4-5 times. This was just a bone, not an invitation for a long term relationship or any type of relationship actually. You are my brother's friend, you weren't that great and you didn't even buy me lunch.
Same time next week?
Massie
Yeah you were okay, I was mostly impressed with your willingness to splurge on a nice hotel and the foreplay was great (I think, I dont really remember..lets thank the last shot of tequila for that)...but there are just two things I should have told you. 1. My ex-boyfriend and his huge dick has ruined me for all future relationships, not your fault I just need a big ween and 2. Hand holding? HAND HOLDING? On our walk to brunch with your 4 gay friends you had the nerve to try to hold my hand not once, or twice but at least 4-5 times. This was just a bone, not an invitation for a long term relationship or any type of relationship actually. You are my brother's friend, you weren't that great and you didn't even buy me lunch.
Same time next week?
Massie
Dear My Boyfriend,
Sometimes your lack of knowledge about women is troubling. Yesterday, upon seeing a shoe insert I got to hold up the back of my ballet flats (thanks, Tory B!) laying around our bedroom, you said, "There's a part of your bra on the floor." Should I be concerned for the well-being of our future daughter?
Please find someone to raise her if I die,
J
Dear Foxy Twenty-Something Pediatrician That I'm Pals With,
I don't know who your wife is, but she is one lucky bia. I almost asked you if you had single friends you could hook me up with today. I'm pretty sure next time I will. I have no shame anymore and hot guys are friends with other hot guys, right?
You Are So Nice To Look At,
A
I don't know who your wife is, but she is one lucky bia. I almost asked you if you had single friends you could hook me up with today. I'm pretty sure next time I will. I have no shame anymore and hot guys are friends with other hot guys, right?
You Are So Nice To Look At,
A
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