Preface: Yesterday I was bored at work and talking to a friend about how I need to meet an emotionally intelligent man...so with her persuasion I did the unthinkable and posted on craigslist (yes, i'm embarassed of myself, but it was done mostly in jest. get off me. desperate times...). I knew these would make good material.

Oh, and don't go looking for it. It's already been deleted.

Dear "Normal" Guys On Craigslist,

Here are some things you should not say when trying to woo a woman:

From an e-mail entitled "I have a blackhead on my nose I can't shake!!!" : Howdy, For starters I am tall, dark, and moderately handsome (I am capable of much more depending on my makeup) ...You can stop there.

This is great... "i know you are normal like me but sometime i want to be crazy but in the good way so iam very sportman ,very funny and smart you need to know me so anyway this is my address email me and let me know what do you want to know about me bye bye ah iam hispanish this is a proble memfor youCharla con tus amigos en línea mediante"

This is my fave - "I moved to Nashville a few months ago for a great job opportunity managing an annual budget over $800M for one of the companies HQed here (I'll share later if you give me the chance)"..blah blah blah (i'm important) blah blah blah ... "Lately, much of my free time has been spent remodeling my home and studying for the GMAT and LSAT (I'll explain why both later)."..I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany...."I go running 2-3times a week usually - and the gym as frequently." ...GOD, YOU'RE AMAZING!!!

"Yes, I'm here in this world waiting to cross-over to the next world where I'm told 100 virgins will be waiting for me." - W.T.Fuck?

"im not the guy you would meet in a bar (because i dont go to bars not my thing)" ...um, bye.

"I work in the IT field as a software developer and I also own a webcast content business". ...I am not letting you videotape me in the shower so you can broadcast it via the Internet

"I never really liked the club scene,and I hate abnoxious drunk women!" ...Really? Well, I'm the most obnoxious(starts with an "o") drunk girl you'll ever meet and everyone but you loves it. douche.

"I am laid back, I enjoy a few drinks with friends, my favorite drink would be either wine or scotch. I like gardening and cooking." ...you forgot to say you like getting it up the ass.

"HI, great post.... I am a little older at 38 but always date younger." ...sick.

The Search Continues,
A

Dear Abercrombie Shirt Boy,

That apparel was cool back when Lance Bass was straight. So pretty much never.

Furthermore, I will agree that sometimes SLIGHT product is a necessary evil on some hair types, but last time I checked using Crisco on your locks making them as crunchy as uncooked ramin noodles is never alright. You probs use that shit on your pubes too....

Grody,
A

Dear Joe,

Thanks for the kiss. Don't fault me for not making out with you. I was restraining myself because the tiny midget in my head which is telling me it's time I got some class was talking to me. I thought about taking you home, then I realized my beer goggles probs can't be trusted and I didn't feel like risking it.

Sorry,
A

Dear Investment Banker I Met Last Saturday,

Thanks for helping me prevent an awkward situation by leaving me a voicemail telling me where you'd be last night so I knew not to go there. Thanks for all those shots the other night though.

Smell Ya Later,
A

Dear Rando Girl Who Coined Herself My New Best Friend Last Night,

You were pretty cool and shit, but I regret to inform you that I have to decline your application for my bff spot. Last night when I caught you in the bathroom talking to the bathroom attendant about how you "don't like to date, just like a good fuck", I was less than impressed. See, if you were like, I don't know, Angelina Jolie, or someone really hot that might have been amusing. Unfortch you had crimped hair and were in L.E.I. jeans leading me to believe the guys you "fuck" probably are the chin-strap facial hair, hoop-earring wearing, chain-smoking type that drive $2,000 cars with spoilers and flame stickers. That's not what I stand for.

Sorr,
A

Dear Drunk Skeeze at Red Door,

Learn to take a f'ing joke! Look, truth be told, you have bad taste(you drink Bud!!!!), but more importantly just because I pulled a "mom" joke on your ass does not mean that you have the right to call me a"c*nt bitch*. Learn some manners! and BTW, your friends gave me high5s for my jokes and you were told to go home! Granted, apparently you have issues because your best friend just died and you walked in on your wife screwing your best friend . . . point taken. However, this is apparently you and every other guy I meet in Nashville!

Dump your shit on someone else (preferably the bitch who cheated on you), thanks!
Mo

PS - Is it a talent that I can pick out men w/ an entire baggage line dedicated to them? I think not!

Dear Hispanic Guys Who Live In My Neighborhood,

You really turned me on that time that you licked your lips and called out "Mama Sita!" as I walked by your stoop the other day. But you didn't stop there, you continued speaking to me in Spanish, most likely telling me how beautiful and special I am. I don't speak Spanish myself, but I just assumed from your sweet tone of voice that you were saying really nice things. Especially`after your friends burst into laughter and gave each other high fives, I figured you`must have said something so romantic that they mistook your self expression as some sigh`of weakness. Shame on them.

You also made me feel really special by continuing to call after me, even when I had already`given you several dirty looks and walked at least 2 blocks down. This shows me that`you really care about me and that you don't want to just let me go, as some guys would. No, you don't give up on true love and that's what I like about you.

I did notice that you called out in exactly the same manner to that 300 pound black lady, the`one who was wearing the super short shorts and tight tank top that hugged all of her curves so well. But I'm not jealous because I know that I hold a special place in your heart. Please,`don't let the fact that I ignore you and try to walk by you as quickly as possible every time fool you. I am totally into you, and I really do want to go on a date with you. Its just that I don't want to rush into anything, you know what I mean? I'm glad you understand.

Gracias for the many compliments,
J

Dear Wax Mistress,

Was it really necessary to keep asking me questions about my usual aesthetician at another salon? It made me feel really weird when you kept throwing in, "well, does she do THIS?". What am I supposed to say to that?! Here's the deal, Helga, or whatever your name is...I think she's great. I think YOU'RE great. I think you're BOTH great. You made me feel really guilty because a.) I felt like I was cheating on her and b.)I started having similar flashbacks of giving my ex-flame the 3rd degree about his previous relationship. I love how I can dish it out but I don't know what to do with myself when spa professionals hand it back to me.

Thanks For Making My Waxing Experience An Awkward One,
A

P.S. I'm in my twenties now, and it's natural that other people have waxed me before. It doesn't mean I don't think you're special and I promise I'm not thinking about them when you're waxing me.

Dear Geoff,

I feel like I will probably see you tonight at my favorite pizza hang-out. That could potentially be awkward considering you have called me several times now to no avail. I think it's sad that I actually just had the thought, "how can I make myself look like NOT me?" and for a second, legitimately thought I could come up with a good solution to that problem.

You Will Not Deter Me From Having A Good Time Tonight,
A

Dear Laila,

You are a grotsky little biotch. Remember in high school when we were nice to you and took you under our wings? Yea, you didn't know it, but EVERYONE ELSE made fun of you. Your rayon printed outfits from Rave, chunkyass mary janes, nappy hair, and lack of ability to apply make-up were completely overlooked by us because we thought you were nice. Turns out, we were wrong. You kissed our asses to be friends with us, finally got other people to realize you existed and then turned into the biggest narcissist that ever lived. we're talking about how you were constantly posing, staring at yourself in the mirror, and making people take pictures of you. kinda odd. Maybe if you took a second to stop talking about how amazing your ass was you would realize that you had B.O. that could permeate a 4 bedroom house. Which it did. Adrienne said after you moved out, her mom said she could still smell you there for WEEKS. Also, we always thought it was weird that your tits seemed to rest on your shoulders. Everyone wants perky boobs, but jesus, that shit just didn't look right. So after all the high school drama I decided I didn't hate you enough to not live with you, so I did. I really didn't appreciate the cockroaches/maggots/fleas/flies that took over our apartment because you refused to clean your dishes or do anything following proper hygienic decorum. Also, didn't appreciate the milk you poured down the back of my 27" TV because you are not only NOT CUTE, you are a fucking psycho.

Never doing charity work again, Bitch,
Crystal

P.S. Oh and nice myspace pics of you doing promo modeling. You do realize they recruit people at the mall and would tell someone with cystic acne they were gorgeous just to get people in their ads, right?

Dear Karl (The Mandal Wearing Med Student),

Heard you were talking about me the other day. Heard you said "That's a tree I'd like to bark up". That's pretty fuggin funny. Especially since the thought of you anywhere near my tree makes me want to choke on my own esophagus.

And I Still DON'T CARE That You're In Med School,
A

Dear Captain of the Geek Squad at the Table Over at Virago,

That was us dirty texting you. God, you were clueless. And yes, we were giggling at you showing your entire table the lewd messages you were receiving. Actually, there is no woman on this earth who would sanely tell you they get wetter than Niagra when they think about you.

Thank for Letting Us Wickedly Laugh at Your Expense,
A

Dear Guy I *Apparently* Told was Hot in a Blackout Last Week,

A.) I don't remember ever meeting you. B.) My beer goggles must be worse than I thought.

This City Is Too Small,
A

Dear Guy I Hung Out With Last Night,

Glad we ran into a mutual friend who told me you once shoved her into a bathroom and forced blow up her nose. Also, glad to find out you are notorious for putting yayo on your dick and then sticking it inside women. Cute.

Let's Hang Out Again Real Soon!
A

Dear Stranger Whose Brains Were Not Up To Par With His Looks,

I'm still baffled as to why you stopped me today in the middle of the sidewalk to ask me where you parked. Moreover, after I told you honestly that I had no earthly idea, you continued to rephrase the question for several more minutes. Next time you lose your automobile, asking pedestrians for hints may be a dead end road.

Sorry,
A

Dear Guy of the Week,

That was a sneaky move pretending like we were hanging out as friends and then forcing me into a corner and then convincing me to let you take me to a $30+ a person brunch. Was I not coming off unavailable enough?

Flattered, but You Don't Excite Me,
Adrienne

P.S. Nice style mentioning how expensive it was.

Dear Geoff,

It was my mistake for haphazardly answering my phone without screening today. I lied when I said I would call you back.

Going to Hell in a Handbasket at Lightning Speed,
A

Dear Geoff(spelled Gee-off and I really hate that),

You are very awkward. I commend you for having the balls to walk over and strike up a conversation with me, but it is abundantly clear that you have issues. I much prefer people who are straightforward and comfortable with themselves...you strike me as neither. Unfortunately, I'm a nice girl and don't believe in handing out fake numbers because i feel like any man who is brazen enough to ask for a girl's number should be reinforced. However, I am crossing my fingers that your memory is not what you claim and the numbers that I quickly sprouted off have been jumbled and long forgotten.

Cheers,
A

Dear Med Students, Law Students, Doctors, and Lawyers,

Your career path is not overly appealing. No one cares. I would rather date a homeless guy if he had a good heart. Ok, that's an exaggeration. I might settle for a Type A personality over Meth use.

Not impressed,
A

P.S. But seriously, stop expecting my face to light up with glee and my legs to automatically spread when you tell me what you do.

Dear Mandals,

I was not aware until very late in the game that our friends were trying to set us up. I found your solo dance routine for me very humorous. I found it all the more hilarious that your justin timberlake wannabe moves put you on crutches. Maybe if you were wearing more supportive footwear you could have spared yourself an injury. Don't they teach that in med school?

Easy Killer,
A