Dear Questionable Decisions made in London,
Why do I think it was okay to wear just underwear out in public, spend new years making out in a corner of a bar with a random who wasn't that cute but did have a seductive British accent, or smoke pot in the back of a bus with a drug dealer I just met in the middle of the day only to have his prego girlfriend try to kick my ass? What happens in London stays in London! Or does that just apply to Vegas? Whatev....
Starting new in the '08,
Massie
Dear Ankle-
You know, i'm really sorry i got so crunked out of my mind on Monday night that i sprained you severely. However, you have to admit that it was totally awesome to be crowned second place in the Soul Dancing contest that you never realized that you had participated in. I've got moves even when i don't realize i have them!
But, please get better soon. I would like to wear other shoes than just ballet flats and the single cankle look isn't really working for me. I think my co-workers are beginning to think that i am contracting elephantitis. Also, it sucks to walk on you. Lots.
Love,
-cj
You know, i'm really sorry i got so crunked out of my mind on Monday night that i sprained you severely. However, you have to admit that it was totally awesome to be crowned second place in the Soul Dancing contest that you never realized that you had participated in. I've got moves even when i don't realize i have them!
But, please get better soon. I would like to wear other shoes than just ballet flats and the single cankle look isn't really working for me. I think my co-workers are beginning to think that i am contracting elephantitis. Also, it sucks to walk on you. Lots.
Love,
-cj
dear platonic guy friend (w/benefits?)(PGF, if you will),
YOU HAVE A GIRL ON THE SIDE WHO YOU HAVE A 'THING' WITH?!?! oh cool! please don't get a girlfriend. i mean, seriously. this could work for me. sex and nothing but. we won't talk ever (which apparently you're into) and we'll just have random, mindblowing sex. yeah! sounds good.
oh, and just so you know, i kinda have someone on the side, too. bitch.
none the less im down to fuck at any time,
-j
ps. i apologize for all the paretheses.
YOU HAVE A GIRL ON THE SIDE WHO YOU HAVE A 'THING' WITH?!?! oh cool! please don't get a girlfriend. i mean, seriously. this could work for me. sex and nothing but. we won't talk ever (which apparently you're into) and we'll just have random, mindblowing sex. yeah! sounds good.
oh, and just so you know, i kinda have someone on the side, too. bitch.
none the less im down to fuck at any time,
-j
ps. i apologize for all the paretheses.
Dear Complete and Total Lack of Hand-Eye-Feet Coordination,
You Bitch. Thanks to your negligence on New Years Eve I:
- Lost my cell phone
- Broke a chair by falling through it
- Completely failed to "Mind the Gap" and did a face plant on the tube
- Assaulted some random girl on the tube by falling on top of her
- Came perioulously close to falling out of a second story window. And dying.
One of those things happening might make a good story. All five in one night is just a tragedy. Now I'm bruised, embarrased AND I have to get a new phone. Please come back and work with me so that my friends will stop laughing at me and I won't look constantly look like I got in a car accident.
Don't know which hurts more; my knees or my ego,
Shameless
You Bitch. Thanks to your negligence on New Years Eve I:
- Lost my cell phone
- Broke a chair by falling through it
- Completely failed to "Mind the Gap" and did a face plant on the tube
- Assaulted some random girl on the tube by falling on top of her
- Came perioulously close to falling out of a second story window. And dying.
One of those things happening might make a good story. All five in one night is just a tragedy. Now I'm bruised, embarrased AND I have to get a new phone. Please come back and work with me so that my friends will stop laughing at me and I won't look constantly look like I got in a car accident.
Don't know which hurts more; my knees or my ego,
Shameless
Hatemail From The Disgruntled
A -
Try landscaping?
Oooh, low blow. You just lost a reader. If you haven't noticed, not everyone is privileged and received swimming classes from mommy and daddy. Meanwhile, those guys were there the same reason you were, to make money. Your blog went from funny to shit.
See ya sucka,
-e
Try landscaping?
Oooh, low blow. You just lost a reader. If you haven't noticed, not everyone is privileged and received swimming classes from mommy and daddy. Meanwhile, those guys were there the same reason you were, to make money. Your blog went from funny to shit.
See ya sucka,
-e
Dear Lifers:
(from CCN.COM)
CNN: What would you say to the person who dismisses all of this as an
excess of vanity?
Charla Krupp: "I really, really believe that we have to stop thinking of beauty as
superficial because it's what makes us feel good. It gives you the confidence you need to exist in this world, and to survive. If anyone has any doubts about it, think of the days that you're sick and you never get out of your bathrobe and you look like hell — you feel like hell! But the times you get dressed up and look in the mirror and say, "My God! I look fantastic!" — it's such an up. I remember when I was sick and my aunt used to say, "Take a shower. Do your hair. Put makeup on." It does make a difference. I just think if you treat yourself better, you'll just feel so much better, competent and happier."
http://www.time.com/time/arts/article/0,8599,1699744,00.html?cnn=yes
Stay pretty, y'all. <3
-cj
(from CCN.COM)
CNN: What would you say to the person who dismisses all of this as an
excess of vanity?
Charla Krupp: "I really, really believe that we have to stop thinking of beauty as
superficial because it's what makes us feel good. It gives you the confidence you need to exist in this world, and to survive. If anyone has any doubts about it, think of the days that you're sick and you never get out of your bathrobe and you look like hell — you feel like hell! But the times you get dressed up and look in the mirror and say, "My God! I look fantastic!" — it's such an up. I remember when I was sick and my aunt used to say, "Take a shower. Do your hair. Put makeup on." It does make a difference. I just think if you treat yourself better, you'll just feel so much better, competent and happier."
http://www.time.com/time/arts/article/0,8599,1699744,00.html?cnn=yes
Stay pretty, y'all. <3
-cj
Dear Straight, Semi-Normal, Single Men in the DC Area:
I'm going to the Wizards-Pistons game tonight w/ my cousin's husband. Same for the Rockets and Lakers games. If you assholes would step up, you'd not only get to go to free sporting events w/ a natural blonde, but you'd prolly also get laid. I hope you are all kicking yourselves and wondering why you are so worthless and stupid.
And yes, chicken pox is technically a form of herpes, but whatev. I'm mostly disease-free, other than that.
Drive to the basket, yo,
b
I'm going to the Wizards-Pistons game tonight w/ my cousin's husband. Same for the Rockets and Lakers games. If you assholes would step up, you'd not only get to go to free sporting events w/ a natural blonde, but you'd prolly also get laid. I hope you are all kicking yourselves and wondering why you are so worthless and stupid.
And yes, chicken pox is technically a form of herpes, but whatev. I'm mostly disease-free, other than that.
Drive to the basket, yo,
b
Dear Chicken Pox (Round 2):
WTF?!?!? I already had you when I was 5. It's not cool that I had you again and that you kept me from going to my fun NYE party and possibly hooking up w/ any person, opposite sex or otherwise. I hate you and your poxiness and hope you eventually die out like smallpox b/c of the new Chicken Pox vaccine.
Not love,
the Itchy & Scratchy Show, aka b
WTF?!?!? I already had you when I was 5. It's not cool that I had you again and that you kept me from going to my fun NYE party and possibly hooking up w/ any person, opposite sex or otherwise. I hate you and your poxiness and hope you eventually die out like smallpox b/c of the new Chicken Pox vaccine.
Not love,
the Itchy & Scratchy Show, aka b
Dear New Yrs Eve,
I had such high hopes for you, especially after you completely sucked ass last yr. So when i find out that i would be celebrating you with 2 other couples for 2 days me being single could have shot myself in the fucking face. Never in my life have i thought my 2 bff's would completely ignore me to talk constantly about their relationship and the similarities between them......EXCUSE ME but anyone with half a brain knows that is fucking boring not only for me but for your bf's as well. I dont expect you to include me in everything you do and say but i dont appreciate being left out of everything and i know you 2 wouldnt either, i recall talking to you both about that less than a month ago and how much it upsets me when you do shit like that and still nothing changes so dont act surprised when i say less than 5 words in 2 days and get drunk on my own because im secretly sitting there thinking of how to drown you in the lake thats how angry i am.
Im even more angry that i didnt get to ring in the new yr with a hot sexfest with some random.
Btw boy who i dated earlier this yr but didnt really like 17 missed calls from you WTF??? im thinking if someone wants to talk to me so badly they are attracted to me after all, but i still dont think i like you sorry!
Pissed off
CPD
I had such high hopes for you, especially after you completely sucked ass last yr. So when i find out that i would be celebrating you with 2 other couples for 2 days me being single could have shot myself in the fucking face. Never in my life have i thought my 2 bff's would completely ignore me to talk constantly about their relationship and the similarities between them......EXCUSE ME but anyone with half a brain knows that is fucking boring not only for me but for your bf's as well. I dont expect you to include me in everything you do and say but i dont appreciate being left out of everything and i know you 2 wouldnt either, i recall talking to you both about that less than a month ago and how much it upsets me when you do shit like that and still nothing changes so dont act surprised when i say less than 5 words in 2 days and get drunk on my own because im secretly sitting there thinking of how to drown you in the lake thats how angry i am.
Im even more angry that i didnt get to ring in the new yr with a hot sexfest with some random.
Btw boy who i dated earlier this yr but didnt really like 17 missed calls from you WTF??? im thinking if someone wants to talk to me so badly they are attracted to me after all, but i still dont think i like you sorry!
Pissed off
CPD
dear c's questionable moral calls made from 11:30 pm on 12-31-07 into the wee hours of the new year,
to quote I.M, "At least I can rest assured that there's probably about 5 million other people who did exactly the same shit last night and are spending the day, like me, wishing for a time machine to go back to yesterday."
prrretty much, girl.
except that i probably wouldn't take it back, even though he was ten years older than me and i was semi-cheating on bestguyfriend, whom i'm not exactly dating yet,(reading that last line makes me hate myself)
because IT WAS HUGE (think back to b's light saber analogy?) and he daaaamn sure knew how to use it. holy cow.
thus, since i don't like myself when i think about that i only-semi-drunkenly had an emotional breakdown in front of said bestguyfriend, who now wants to date me, and ditched my girls in search of peen, which i swore i would never do again,
i'm going to keep thinking about the hot ring-in-the-new-year sexfest with the best endowed rando in probably the whole world.
he-LLO, 2008!
-c
to quote I.M, "At least I can rest assured that there's probably about 5 million other people who did exactly the same shit last night and are spending the day, like me, wishing for a time machine to go back to yesterday."
prrretty much, girl.
except that i probably wouldn't take it back, even though he was ten years older than me and i was semi-cheating on bestguyfriend, whom i'm not exactly dating yet,(reading that last line makes me hate myself)
because IT WAS HUGE (think back to b's light saber analogy?) and he daaaamn sure knew how to use it. holy cow.
thus, since i don't like myself when i think about that i only-semi-drunkenly had an emotional breakdown in front of said bestguyfriend, who now wants to date me, and ditched my girls in search of peen, which i swore i would never do again,
i'm going to keep thinking about the hot ring-in-the-new-year sexfest with the best endowed rando in probably the whole world.
he-LLO, 2008!
-c
Dear Self,
I am kind of disgusted with you right now. Your irresponsible actions on New Year's Eve make me want to just slap you, i mean REALLY. You didn't even have a good time, and now shit is all fucked up (possibly). And you were doing so well for a while there... you got drunk and fucked someone you didn't even want to fuck because the person you do want to fuck is totally playing hard to get. You are kind of a dirty whore. What am I gonna do with you? Stop drinking. Please.
Scrubbing myself in the shower,
I. M.
P.S. At least I can rest assured that there's probably about 5 million other people who did exactly the same shit last night and are spending the day, like me, wishing for a time machine to go back to yesterday, before all the shots and the champagne, and all the various drinks people shoved in our faces screaming "HAPPY NEW YEAR". Everyone who got drunk last night and did something they shouldn't have, I feel your pain.
I am kind of disgusted with you right now. Your irresponsible actions on New Year's Eve make me want to just slap you, i mean REALLY. You didn't even have a good time, and now shit is all fucked up (possibly). And you were doing so well for a while there... you got drunk and fucked someone you didn't even want to fuck because the person you do want to fuck is totally playing hard to get. You are kind of a dirty whore. What am I gonna do with you? Stop drinking. Please.
Scrubbing myself in the shower,
I. M.
P.S. At least I can rest assured that there's probably about 5 million other people who did exactly the same shit last night and are spending the day, like me, wishing for a time machine to go back to yesterday, before all the shots and the champagne, and all the various drinks people shoved in our faces screaming "HAPPY NEW YEAR". Everyone who got drunk last night and did something they shouldn't have, I feel your pain.
dear platonic friend who i'm in complete lust with,
seriously? since when do i sneak away from parties and bang people in their backseats on some random street?? i'm just not that kind of girl. but you seriously turn me on soooooo much. i dunno if its your HUGE cock or the fact you know how to use your HUGE cock. you asked where your christmas present is? its gonna be a box of magnums for you. to use on me. shit.
impatiently waiting for our next romp,
-j
seriously? since when do i sneak away from parties and bang people in their backseats on some random street?? i'm just not that kind of girl. but you seriously turn me on soooooo much. i dunno if its your HUGE cock or the fact you know how to use your HUGE cock. you asked where your christmas present is? its gonna be a box of magnums for you. to use on me. shit.
impatiently waiting for our next romp,
-j
Dear Coming Home To A Teenage Boy (NOT my Brother) Passed Out On My Bedroom Floor,
What just happened?!
Love,
A
P.S. Nice touch leaving with my thesis in your hand. What exactly are you planning on doing with that in your drunken stupor? I wasn't aware that you liked to do research in your blackouts.
P.S.S. You're alive...don't know if you're aware of that right now.
What just happened?!
Love,
A
P.S. Nice touch leaving with my thesis in your hand. What exactly are you planning on doing with that in your drunken stupor? I wasn't aware that you liked to do research in your blackouts.
P.S.S. You're alive...don't know if you're aware of that right now.
Beautiful
dear life,
usually, i dont show this side of myself, but being that this is the 4th anniversary of my fathers death and the fact that my boyfriend of 2 years has broken up with me on the same day, i felt a need to give you a shout out.
There is something inside of me (a small voice) that says I should be crushed, but a HUGE voice that says everything will be ok, and any dirtbag that would do what he did doesnt deserve me.
I choose to listen to the loud voice, and go forward without doubt, excited about the beautiful men who are going to take me to dinner, movies and teach me how to play guitar hero...
daddy, I am OK.....dont worry about me.
Love ya.
Happy New Year.
~M
usually, i dont show this side of myself, but being that this is the 4th anniversary of my fathers death and the fact that my boyfriend of 2 years has broken up with me on the same day, i felt a need to give you a shout out.
There is something inside of me (a small voice) that says I should be crushed, but a HUGE voice that says everything will be ok, and any dirtbag that would do what he did doesnt deserve me.
I choose to listen to the loud voice, and go forward without doubt, excited about the beautiful men who are going to take me to dinner, movies and teach me how to play guitar hero...
daddy, I am OK.....dont worry about me.
Love ya.
Happy New Year.
~M
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