Dear T-
I think you are right. I think my ankle is actually broken. Awesome, no? X-rays scheduled.
Love,
cj
Dear graduate school intern working today in my office,
As I write this, your wife is in labor. She is having a baby, and you are typing on your laptop. Not even letters of joy to your friends and family, but you are actually doing work. Meaningless work that is in no way going to boost your quality of life. Like in the way, oh say...a BABY would. So why don't you do yourself a favor, leave work, and go hold the hand of your wife who is going through ungodly and unspeakable pain. So she doesn't resent you forever.
Totally and completely in disbelief,
Homegirl
As I write this, your wife is in labor. She is having a baby, and you are typing on your laptop. Not even letters of joy to your friends and family, but you are actually doing work. Meaningless work that is in no way going to boost your quality of life. Like in the way, oh say...a BABY would. So why don't you do yourself a favor, leave work, and go hold the hand of your wife who is going through ungodly and unspeakable pain. So she doesn't resent you forever.
Totally and completely in disbelief,
Homegirl
Dear Hot Australian Roommate,
DON'T tell me that you and your (really hot) male friend once had a threesome with some girl. How am I supposed to concentrate and or look you in the eye when all I can think of is two hot australians teaming up on me?!?!
Also, walking around shirtless all the time is not helping. Put that hot body away please.
Is this what it feels like to think like a boy?
Shameless
DON'T tell me that you and your (really hot) male friend once had a threesome with some girl. How am I supposed to concentrate and or look you in the eye when all I can think of is two hot australians teaming up on me?!?!
Also, walking around shirtless all the time is not helping. Put that hot body away please.
Is this what it feels like to think like a boy?
Shameless
Dear Life,
Today I smeared a vat of creamy salve onto a festering, gargantuan skin boil. The fleshy pod is engorged with so much pus. There is even an open sore that is slowly seeping some of the moist liquid from the abcess. I tried palpating the plump skin bump to see if I could pop it, but had little success. The pus must have a high viscosity level. I decided to just grab a moist towelette and other various wet paper products to swab some of the secretions left behind and soothe the swollen pustule. Maybe I will just use an applicator to wipe some ointment on the bloated and infected sore.
Sick,
Paul
Post Script: Does anyone want to suckle on my supple pus pouch?
Today I smeared a vat of creamy salve onto a festering, gargantuan skin boil. The fleshy pod is engorged with so much pus. There is even an open sore that is slowly seeping some of the moist liquid from the abcess. I tried palpating the plump skin bump to see if I could pop it, but had little success. The pus must have a high viscosity level. I decided to just grab a moist towelette and other various wet paper products to swab some of the secretions left behind and soothe the swollen pustule. Maybe I will just use an applicator to wipe some ointment on the bloated and infected sore.
Sick,
Paul
Post Script: Does anyone want to suckle on my supple pus pouch?
Dear Mom,
Thanks for the season tickets to the Boston Theatre company for my 24th birthday?!?!?! HUH?!?!?!?! I guess it was a really sweet thought, but who exactly were you thinking of when you bought these for me? I HATE the theatre!!!!! Oh, and people my age like to DRINK A LOT, not go to plays!!! Going to the theatre is something we only do if it involves getting some after..........and since I am single, thats not going to happen.
Thanks.............I guess,
-D
P.S. IM SCREWED!!!!!!!!! How to I go about finding a hot guy in Boston who is willing to go to a play with me? Suggestions welcome!
Thanks for the season tickets to the Boston Theatre company for my 24th birthday?!?!?! HUH?!?!?!?! I guess it was a really sweet thought, but who exactly were you thinking of when you bought these for me? I HATE the theatre!!!!! Oh, and people my age like to DRINK A LOT, not go to plays!!! Going to the theatre is something we only do if it involves getting some after..........and since I am single, thats not going to happen.
Thanks.............I guess,
-D
P.S. IM SCREWED!!!!!!!!! How to I go about finding a hot guy in Boston who is willing to go to a play with me? Suggestions welcome!
Dear 40-something coworker,
I find it awfully hilarious and especially sad that you are STILL mad at me over something super insignificant that happened on FRIDAY MORNING. I mean, one would think that you would easily get over it and move on with your life and business as usual, but I guess not. You seriously had the entire weekend to find something else to fuss over, but nay. Seems like you have NOTHING better to do than to be mad at me. I mean, you would think I called your mother a dirty whore or something (Shit, maybe I should have just so I could at least get my money's worth). Honestly, it wasn't even that serious. I mean, yeah, I said that you ALWAYS have to be right, and that I wasn't buying it. But dammit, sack up already! It's Tuesday!
Anyway, it is not that I really cared to continue to have meaningless morning banter with you about what Mary J. Blige song you listened to today, or which episode of The Hills you just barely watched on Youtube ("Omg, did you know that Spencer and Heidi are getting married?" she says, 10 years later). I just wanted to clear the air. But it seems like I'm in the midst of child's play here, and that you are not adult enough to just get over your bullshit and stop giving me the silent treatment.
Also, since we are on the subject of bullshit, can you please ask your 40-something boyfriend to stop giving me the eye every time we meet? Oh yeah, and tell him to also stop incessantly licking his lips at me as well. Yeah, that would be great.
Hoping that I am never as big of a loser at any age as you are at 40,
TR
I find it awfully hilarious and especially sad that you are STILL mad at me over something super insignificant that happened on FRIDAY MORNING. I mean, one would think that you would easily get over it and move on with your life and business as usual, but I guess not. You seriously had the entire weekend to find something else to fuss over, but nay. Seems like you have NOTHING better to do than to be mad at me. I mean, you would think I called your mother a dirty whore or something (Shit, maybe I should have just so I could at least get my money's worth). Honestly, it wasn't even that serious. I mean, yeah, I said that you ALWAYS have to be right, and that I wasn't buying it. But dammit, sack up already! It's Tuesday!
Anyway, it is not that I really cared to continue to have meaningless morning banter with you about what Mary J. Blige song you listened to today, or which episode of The Hills you just barely watched on Youtube ("Omg, did you know that Spencer and Heidi are getting married?" she says, 10 years later). I just wanted to clear the air. But it seems like I'm in the midst of child's play here, and that you are not adult enough to just get over your bullshit and stop giving me the silent treatment.
Also, since we are on the subject of bullshit, can you please ask your 40-something boyfriend to stop giving me the eye every time we meet? Oh yeah, and tell him to also stop incessantly licking his lips at me as well. Yeah, that would be great.
Hoping that I am never as big of a loser at any age as you are at 40,
TR
dear love life,
if you could stop being pathetically ironic, that would be super.
on new years' eve, i left the house of my best guy friend and headed to the Skeevy House where i hooked up with a 27-year old. he was cool, and we had a lot of fun, and i've fallen in platonic guy friend love with all of the boys that live there.
so of course now that i've been dating best guy friend for approx. 3 days, i go back to the Skeevy House and one of them persuades me to drive him to the liquor store for the sole purpose of grilling me about 27yearold-- asking if i have a crush on him, asking how old is too old for me, annnnd making me wish veryvery hard that i did NOT have a boyfriend.
so basically, thanks for leaving me out to dry for FUCKING EVER and then simultaneously throwing two perfectly viable options at me.
you're a scheming bitch.
stop laughing at me.
-c
if you could stop being pathetically ironic, that would be super.
on new years' eve, i left the house of my best guy friend and headed to the Skeevy House where i hooked up with a 27-year old. he was cool, and we had a lot of fun, and i've fallen in platonic guy friend love with all of the boys that live there.
so of course now that i've been dating best guy friend for approx. 3 days, i go back to the Skeevy House and one of them persuades me to drive him to the liquor store for the sole purpose of grilling me about 27yearold-- asking if i have a crush on him, asking how old is too old for me, annnnd making me wish veryvery hard that i did NOT have a boyfriend.
so basically, thanks for leaving me out to dry for FUCKING EVER and then simultaneously throwing two perfectly viable options at me.
you're a scheming bitch.
stop laughing at me.
-c
Dear New Room Mate:
I am seriously excited about you. I think you will be the least crazy of all of my former roommates/housemates. You are currently talking on the phone in the kitchen and your conversation does not make me want to kill you. And you talk about other things aside from Comcast cable, Windows XP and ridiculously absurd politics (which your father has instilled into your mind instead of you making a conscious decision. I'm talking about you, last roommate.Im not bitter. No. No.) It was also kind of silly when we woke up and your boyfriend and i were wearing the same exact shirt. Only his was man-sized and mine was wee.
I think this is the beginning of a beautiful relationship. Let's go get drunk sometime.
love,
cj
I am seriously excited about you. I think you will be the least crazy of all of my former roommates/housemates. You are currently talking on the phone in the kitchen and your conversation does not make me want to kill you. And you talk about other things aside from Comcast cable, Windows XP and ridiculously absurd politics (which your father has instilled into your mind instead of you making a conscious decision. I'm talking about you, last roommate.Im not bitter. No. No.) It was also kind of silly when we woke up and your boyfriend and i were wearing the same exact shirt. Only his was man-sized and mine was wee.
I think this is the beginning of a beautiful relationship. Let's go get drunk sometime.
love,
cj
Bust.
Dear 2008,
The world isnt even 2 weeks into you yet and i already know you are going to suck ass. First of all my Grandpa goes into the hospital on New Years Day where he is most likely going to spend the rest of his days, and how many days does he has left?? i have no fucking idea because my parents think it would be a good idea to keep that from me. Visiting him everyday and seeing how much he has deteriorated from 6 months ago is breaking my heart. fuck i cant even type about it without bursting into tears.
And now my Nanna has gone into hospital as well, i really cant handle all of this, i dont even know how my parents are either. Not only that but my brothers gf thinks she is a part of our family so therefore she needs to voice her opinion on all of this, Bitch, back the fuck off. you 2 havent even been together for a yr so i dont think you have a right to open your big mouth about this, those 2 people mean the world to me so when i hear you talk about them like its your family i could just about slap you in the face because you dont mean shit to me.
To top it all off there is a mouse or some sort of creature stuck in my walls running around at all hours of the night.
GET OUT
CPD
The world isnt even 2 weeks into you yet and i already know you are going to suck ass. First of all my Grandpa goes into the hospital on New Years Day where he is most likely going to spend the rest of his days, and how many days does he has left?? i have no fucking idea because my parents think it would be a good idea to keep that from me. Visiting him everyday and seeing how much he has deteriorated from 6 months ago is breaking my heart. fuck i cant even type about it without bursting into tears.
And now my Nanna has gone into hospital as well, i really cant handle all of this, i dont even know how my parents are either. Not only that but my brothers gf thinks she is a part of our family so therefore she needs to voice her opinion on all of this, Bitch, back the fuck off. you 2 havent even been together for a yr so i dont think you have a right to open your big mouth about this, those 2 people mean the world to me so when i hear you talk about them like its your family i could just about slap you in the face because you dont mean shit to me.
To top it all off there is a mouse or some sort of creature stuck in my walls running around at all hours of the night.
GET OUT
CPD
Too bad I didn't see this before going to my friends party:
http://pittsburgh.craigslist.org/laf/524483670.html
Hehe.
-cj
http://pittsburgh.craigslist.org/laf/524483670.html
Hehe.
-cj
dear i.m.,
welcome to my life. you're barely into 'em, they're into you, they're not into you, you're head over heels. its stupid, riiiight? i just wanna find a decent guy that makes me feel the whole fucking buterfly populace in my stomach. that'd be great.
not a mixed signal sending toolbox. i'm done with those. and i'm sure you're feeling the same way.
love,
-j
welcome to my life. you're barely into 'em, they're into you, they're not into you, you're head over heels. its stupid, riiiight? i just wanna find a decent guy that makes me feel the whole fucking buterfly populace in my stomach. that'd be great.
not a mixed signal sending toolbox. i'm done with those. and i'm sure you're feeling the same way.
love,
-j
Dear Person Who Called Me And The People Who Write On My Blog "Rich And Whiney",
When you visit a site entitled "whyamisopretty.blogspot.com" are you really hoping to read something earthshattering?
Get Off Me,
A
P.S. Pretty sure $30,000 in students loans doesn't qualify as "rich". Just because I'm pretty doesn't mean I'm rich. And I'm not whiney.
When you visit a site entitled "whyamisopretty.blogspot.com" are you really hoping to read something earthshattering?
Get Off Me,
A
P.S. Pretty sure $30,000 in students loans doesn't qualify as "rich". Just because I'm pretty doesn't mean I'm rich. And I'm not whiney.
Dear Boy Who I Wasn't Sure I Liked Until I Became Unsure That You Liked Me Back And Now I Really Like You,
Wtf? When you were asking me out and paying attention to me, I couldn't even decide if I was into you or not. Then all of a sudden you stop calling and I can't stop thinking about you. Do you even like me? Did you lose interest, or are you playing some kind of game? Or are you just really shy? I can't figure you out and its driving me crazy and now all I want is for you to come over and do me. The sick part is that I recognize the fact that my interest in you has only skyrocketed BECAUSE of your sudden lack thereof... and yet it changes nothing. Why is my wiring so fucked up???
Confused and kind of horny,
I.M.
Wtf? When you were asking me out and paying attention to me, I couldn't even decide if I was into you or not. Then all of a sudden you stop calling and I can't stop thinking about you. Do you even like me? Did you lose interest, or are you playing some kind of game? Or are you just really shy? I can't figure you out and its driving me crazy and now all I want is for you to come over and do me. The sick part is that I recognize the fact that my interest in you has only skyrocketed BECAUSE of your sudden lack thereof... and yet it changes nothing. Why is my wiring so fucked up???
Confused and kind of horny,
I.M.
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