As fun as this past week of Thanksgiving togetherness has been -- from the obligatory Scrabble game to the six days of absolute sleep gluttony -- I'm not going to cry when I get on the plane tomorrow. Things can get back to normal for a while. Henceforth, I will be able to masturbate in peace and not have adult relatives "meow" at me as a form of greeting.
C
Dear self,
I'm pretty sure getting trashed the sunday night before you start your new job is probably not a good idea. What were you thinking? You're still hung over. Now you get to hang out with screaming elementary kids for 4 hours. Sucka.
Stop being an asshole,
cjm
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
Stop being an asshole,
cjm
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
dear day 10 of breakup,
holy fuck. why do you still hurt so much?
nevermind, i can answer that.
1) because i hadn't had anything even resembling a relationship for a solid year before we met.
2) on st patrick's day... aka march. which means
3) it was the longest i've ever been involved, in any sense of the word, with anyone. ever.
i spent days 0-3 (last thursday thru sunday) in bed. didn't drink. couldn't stop crying. deactivated my facebook. day 8 went on a first date that should have been amazing until i realized that i couldn't care less whether this really sweet, genuine, gentlemanly guy EVER talked to me again.
i am broken until further notice.
then saturday there was a football game. i haven't been to one without him this year, and it was the best game of the season. it was so amazing and i'm angry that i didn't enjoy it to the fullest because i was pissed about the retarded stoner that i wasted 9 months of my life caring about. reactivated my fb to gloat about the game, naturally went to his page to catch up on what i missed and guess what? nothing had changed... surprise. he's still friending random hoes from god knows where and wildebeest bitches are still posting shit on his wall like "OmGgGgG i MiSsSsS u when r u cumming home to c me?!??11 i can't wait 2 cu lol ur so kewt! i <3 u j!!!!!!!!" and he's still posting happy statuses that are nothing like what i would have been posting if i had access to facebook for that week (think "hoping starbucks will make my draino vodka latte so i don't have to" or "will be dying alone in a pile of starving cats so please keep track of me and call police if i stop responding to texts". this was partly the reason i deactivated in the first place.)
oh, and
4) the reason i'm not perpetually wasted is that my body is literally rejecting alcohol. shots? a gag reflex that should exist only in 5-year-olds getting their throats swabbed for strep. beer? "WHY IS IT SO COLD OUTSIDE I CAN'T DRINK THIS WAHHHHH" like a little bitch. wine? well, okay. i drink a lot of wine. but then i just get old ladyish, wrap up in comforters and cry onto my dog which isn't really the point of drinking alcohol.... i think.
basically, i don't know how to do this. help. what do i do?
yours in purple teeth and perpetual relationship retardation,
-c
Dear myself as a 25 year old,
You are pretty much an adult now. There is no reason to demonstrate how to do a proper "dropkick" when you are drunk. Injuries will surely result, much like they did last week. You are now going to have to explain at Thanksgiving why you have come home with a limp and a bum knee.
And, it would probably be best if you stopped hooking up with dudes at the moment you pass out. If you can't stay awake during the hook-up, its not worth it. Being an inactive participant doesn't benefit you in the long run.
Next time your concious goes out the door, try not to let your dignity follow.
Still recovering,
Em
Dear moustache,
I'm really enjoying growing you... even if it is just for the month of Movember. However, all the porn star, child molestor, and Tom Selleck references are getting kind of old.
C
Dear Rental Car Clerk,
I'm glad that you think my driver's license picture looks like Justin Bieber. I however, do not find this comical.
C
Dear Work,
Man I was just coming around to thinking you were alright. My boss even gave me a gold star for showing up on time. But then you smack me in the face again and remind me why I can't stand working here any longer. When will I have the courage to quit?
C
Top FML's of the week
Today, my cat learned how to flush the toilet while I was in the shower. His transformation from cute kitten to pure evil entity is now complete. FML
Today, I found my son's iPod touch and was looking at a light-saber app. He walked into the living room to see me fighting the cat and making sound effects to myself. FML
Today, when I signed into Amazon, their top recommendation for me based on past purchases was "The Brave Little Toaster" on DVD. FML
Today, trying to be cute, I told my soon-to-be husband he was the ying to my yang. He responded with "Baby, you're the Monica Lewinsky to my Bill Clinton." FML
Today, I discovered I am the "before picture" in an internet weight loss advert. FML
Today, I was lonely enough to clink glasses with my own reflection. FML
Today, someone was getting beat up by 6 guys. When I tried to help, they had a swing at me as well. The cops came when I was enthusiastically defending myself. They got away, I got arrested. FML
Today, I was making out with my boyfriend. He got a text and reached over to get his phone. In the process, he elbowed my face and busted my lip. He laughed. FML
Today, my friend bought a smartphone and updated his facebook status with it. Two weeks ago he signed an apartment lease with another friend. Four months ago he bought a new handgun. Seven months ago he bought a new TV. He's owed me $300 for a year and a half. FML
Today, I freaked out when I couldn't get my bathroom door open. After ten minutes of panic when thinking about how I'd be stuck there for at least 8 hours until my roommate would get home, and another five mentally going over survival skills, I realized that I had forgotten to unlock the door. FML
Today, I went through my spam folder. I found out that I'd received several emails telling me that I have been sending emails containing essays for a class of mine to the wrong address. The term ended yesterday. FML
Today, I let my friend use my computer to download some music. Now, my computer has 6 viruses and 4 songs, all of which I hate. FML
Today, I learned that everyone at college was calling me "Parallel Lines" because I've got an unibrow and an apparent hairiness over my mouth. By the way, I'm a girl. FML
Today, I found my son's iPod touch and was looking at a light-saber app. He walked into the living room to see me fighting the cat and making sound effects to myself. FML
Today, when I signed into Amazon, their top recommendation for me based on past purchases was "The Brave Little Toaster" on DVD. FML
Today, trying to be cute, I told my soon-to-be husband he was the ying to my yang. He responded with "Baby, you're the Monica Lewinsky to my Bill Clinton." FML
Today, I discovered I am the "before picture" in an internet weight loss advert. FML
Today, I was lonely enough to clink glasses with my own reflection. FML
Today, someone was getting beat up by 6 guys. When I tried to help, they had a swing at me as well. The cops came when I was enthusiastically defending myself. They got away, I got arrested. FML
Today, I was making out with my boyfriend. He got a text and reached over to get his phone. In the process, he elbowed my face and busted my lip. He laughed. FML
Today, my friend bought a smartphone and updated his facebook status with it. Two weeks ago he signed an apartment lease with another friend. Four months ago he bought a new handgun. Seven months ago he bought a new TV. He's owed me $300 for a year and a half. FML
Today, I freaked out when I couldn't get my bathroom door open. After ten minutes of panic when thinking about how I'd be stuck there for at least 8 hours until my roommate would get home, and another five mentally going over survival skills, I realized that I had forgotten to unlock the door. FML
Today, I went through my spam folder. I found out that I'd received several emails telling me that I have been sending emails containing essays for a class of mine to the wrong address. The term ended yesterday. FML
Today, I let my friend use my computer to download some music. Now, my computer has 6 viruses and 4 songs, all of which I hate. FML
Today, I learned that everyone at college was calling me "Parallel Lines" because I've got an unibrow and an apparent hairiness over my mouth. By the way, I'm a girl. FML
Dear single friend,
I just want to remind you to please have self-respect and remember that not having a man is not the end of the world. You're making single women look bad when you're putting away all your "non-negotiables" and dating.. say... married guys? Or guys who would never catch your eye otherwise? Guys who treat women like shit and take advantage of you?! We've all made mistakes but it just seems like you should have learned your lesson by now. I wish you could see
you are worth much more and deserve better, even if that means not getting attention and/or sex on a regular basis. Would you rather be married by the age of 30 to some lying loser who is probably cheating on you than be single? One more thing- YOU CAN'T CHANGE A GUY. If you have the idea that he will change once he's with you you're
retarded. You can change his clothes maybe or some of his bad habits but not the fact that he's a total asshole who doesn't respect you. From what I can tell, good/nice guys do exist but there's no way you will ever find one if you have zero standards and are so desperate.
Get help!
~LaDiva~
you are worth much more and deserve better, even if that means not getting attention and/or sex on a regular basis. Would you rather be married by the age of 30 to some lying loser who is probably cheating on you than be single? One more thing- YOU CAN'T CHANGE A GUY. If you have the idea that he will change once he's with you you're
retarded. You can change his clothes maybe or some of his bad habits but not the fact that he's a total asshole who doesn't respect you. From what I can tell, good/nice guys do exist but there's no way you will ever find one if you have zero standards and are so desperate.
Get help!
~LaDiva~
Dear Target Superstore:
Call me an elitist, but walking up and down your aisles, looking at everybody else who visits you to buy shit - with their mouths open and their sweatpants and tucked-in t-shirts - I couldn't help but think: They all have a vote that counts just as much as mine! This democracy thing is so destined for failure...
*sigh,*
-T
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