Dear Dearlife.blogspot.com readers,

Not everyone I hang out with is a total creep. At least I hope not.

Will you be my friend?
Jon

Dear Parvati from Survivor,

Call me.

You're hot,
Jon

Dear Joey,

You didn't actually date Parvati from Survivor. The fact that you created a Facebook profile for her using stock photos you got off the internet somewhere does not prove anything. I must say though, I'm somewhat impressed with your ability to not sound like a lonely douchebag when you wrote on my facebook wall. What's more exciting yet is your pending blackballing from the fraternity. Some people don't like blackballs, but I'm kind of an arrogant prick, and I relish every chance I get to put myself above other people. Good luck in life, and thanks for the baseball tickets.

Annoyed,
Jon

Dear A,

Maybe sitting on the couch for hours wearing a sheet, smelling like a bar, and writing on your blog isn't the most productive use of your time.

Just a suggestion,
Yourself

Dear Tact,

I could benefit from a little bit slash a lot bit more of you in my life.

Adrienne

Dear 44(liar)year-old Gay Man who Paid for My Jaegerbomb,

Thank you for complimenting my smile and then following it with a valuable life lesson: People with good dental hygiene have clean genitalia. I think you're on to something there.

I floss regularly,
A

Dear cheeseball guys,

I feel really bad for being such a bitch to you, especially since you are so nice. I wish you would realize there is value in just acting like yourself. No need to state your qualifications. I'm sorry for being rude. Shame on me.

A

Dear Bad Choices,

Due to you, I woke up with make-up all over my face 2 hours after i was supposed to be at work. Oops?

Adrienne

Dear characters on LOST,

Every time I watch your show, I can't help but think about how bad your breath must be. You've all been on that island for 90-something days. How can you stand making out with one another?

Adrienne

Dear "Deadliest Catch",

You are a true testament to the idea that you can make a reality show out of anything. How is it possible that I can be engrossed for 60 straight minutes with a program about catching alaskan crabs?

Unbelievable,
Adrienne

Dear alcohol,

It's been so long. I miss you.

Longingly,
A

Dear lymphnodes,

Currently, two of you are the size of jellybeans. Not normal.

Concerned,
Adrienne

Dear Britney & Justin,

Make this happen:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJzcdA4dN_4

Desperately Waiting,
A

Dear Paul-Wall,

Don't worry. One of these days you will find a girl who isn't a complete psycho. Who knows, you may even find a chica who doesn't call you every hour and cry when you don't spend time with her every night. Also, if you're lucky, you could possibly find a girl who doesn't want to castrate you and make you her bitch. The dime you find will love your balls, want you to hang out with your friends without her, and not need to talk to you on a daily basis. Hang in there. In the meantime, keep blacking out so you can withstand those hoes long enough to use them for a piece.

Someday,
Adrienne

Dear Fear of Commitment,

Where in the fuck did you come from? So what if several of my good friends have gotten engaged slash married and some have even had kids. This shouldn't scare me. We are real people now with real people jobs and real people bills. I'm 23 going on 24; it might be time to sack up and actually stay in a relationship longer than 5 months. At this rate I will never get married and have 2.5 kids, an SUV, and a house in the 'burbs.

I long for you,
Paul

Post Script: Sike! I'm having way to much fun blacking out every weekend. Serious long term relationships can lick my testes.

Dear Justin,

Bottoms up.

Adrienne

Dear Paul,

Your inability to work well under pressure makes me hope, for your sake, that you never had any aspiration of making it in the porn industry.

Adrienne

Dear people in the library,

Just because I just yelled out "FUCK" doesn't mean you need to stare. It didn't feel good when I slammed my knee on this desk. It really hurt.

Turn around,
Adrienne

Dear Britney,

You look pretty bangin' these days. Your abs are rockin'. Your ass is smokin' in those boyshorts you wear as pants. I can't wait for your hair to grow out.

I have a girlcrush on you,
A

Dear Life,

Thank you for providing me with a multitude of people who have shattered my (once unyielding)self-confidence this school year. It's great to have constant reminders that I'm not as hot, competent, or intelligent as I think I am. I guess this is what I get for being a cocky bitch all these years. But sheesh, was it necessary for that 9-year-old to tell me that I looked sickly this morning in my state of perfect physical health?

Fuck all the haters-I'm tired of this shit,
Adrienne

P.S. If I was friends with Miss America, I might try to point out her flaws, too.