Dear On/Off F-Buddy,

Why do you have to be the way you are??  Why does it have to be completely impossible to have a real relationship with you, when I want you so bad that just looking at pictures of you makes my vagina cry a little?  You're distracting me from the nice boy that respects me and actually wants a relationship.  Stop making it so hard for me to forget about your beautiful, large penis and the way you smell in the morning.  Gahh get out of my head!  Can I just take your pheromones and your penis and transfer them to my nice boy?? 

Irma

dear Jumbline iphone game,

you are my abso favorite way to waste time in class. i love you to no end and you make me feel smart and literate. but during my last two games, IN A ROW, the six letter words i had to find were MOANING and WEINER. yes, in that order. no, i  am not shitting you. 

can we keep it pg please? i do not need to be thinking about moaning OR weiners during my intro to criminal justice class. 

there are kids out there,

-c

Dear The Face,

 

You know why our hook-up was quote "very, very hot"?  The lights were out. 

 

There won't be a repeat of that mistake.

 

Love,

Em

Poor Life Costume Choice

Dear C and others,

I had a similar terrible costume decision.  I've since modified...but still going to go for it...mostly.

I'm pretty sure the boys are going to be pawing at me all night,

Em

Dear c

I like boys but even I would want to hit it if I saw you wearing that costume.  Best of luck!

C

dear C,

SO. DAMN. CUTE.

here's mine:

(the black one)

i feel like it sends the right message- a cross between "i kind of have a boyfriend who doesn't want to commit to me" and "i'm ready to take jello shots and make the worst decisions ever".

happy halloweiner!

-c 

Dear Halloween Costume,

      









What was I thinking? 

-C

Dear Lindsey,

Not only do you clean the entire house obsessive compulsively and do my laundry, you also ridiculously inexpensive. My house has never been cleaner. You're a godsend!  What am I going to do without you? My roommates are filthy fork-hoarding non-rent paying slobs.

C

Dear Facebook:

 

You make it possible for me to mindread the daily ponderings of all my acquaintances - AND to get realtime news on the events and happenings they care about.

 

Now, I not only know beyond doubt how stupid and dull my circle is, but it also turns out that...deep deep down...everybody I know is really shallow.

 

Even the commentary I make up for my dog when he licks his balls is better.

 

Missing my delusions of friends with hidden substance,

-T

dear black cat,

So I'm smoking a cigarette outside this morning and you run up to me and you look like you are shivering.  Why does your owner not keep you inside at night?  Is it because he's a 80 year old hoarder and he has no room to accommodate you? 

Sort of sad,

C

Dear Adrienne,

Will you please write some posts for Dear Life? We're missing your wit.  

[Please comment and indicate your interest in Adrienne posting on the blog.  Hopefully peer pressure will be effective].

C

Dear a**hole ,

So yesterday you robbed my roommate in broad daylight in front of our house.  Unfortunately for you, you only managed to get away with a bag that you thought was her purse -- however, as I'm sure you've found out by now, it only contained ..... hair extensions.  Don't ask me why she was carrying a bag with hair extensions in it... she's a hairdresser if you really must know.  And why after robbing someone would you take off on foot to the Captain D's across the street and chill out until my other badass roommate comes running after you like a madman.  I'm sorry that your crime spree was so unsuccessful.  I'm pretty sure that a black man wearing blond hair extensions is going to draw quite a bit of attention.  Oh wait, we don't need to wonder because you already got arrested.  Hope prison is a blast! 

C

Dear procrastination,

You've got me by the nuts. Please let go.

C

Sent from my iPhone

Dear Penis,

Dear New Kids on the Block radio (a la Pandora)

Thank you for making my morning bus commute a little less horrible considering I am beginning my week on a Friday.

Love,

cjm

dear job,  

I felt vaguely guilty today as I spent the entire morning taking care of my personal email and researching other job opportunities.  I also felt a little guilty leaving right at 5pm as the over-achievers were just warming up. I'm conflicted.  A part of me really wants to quit my job and wander around the world.  Another part of me wants to move to NYC and have the time of my life (this is the latest fixation).  A third part of me wants to stay put because it's comfortable and I'm lazy.  Another part of me wants to move back to my hometown so I can be closer to my family, not the part of me that wants to get the hell out of dodge after a week of being around them.  

I feel a little bit like this is my life and it's ending one minute at a time and I am too codependent and comfortable to do anything about it.  What happened to courage?  I don't want to be a space monkey any longer.  I think our strategy is stupid and I'm spending my time with my head buried in spreadsheets substantiating projects I don't even agree with.... dealing with unmanageable people with unreasonable expectations... oh  wait, that's me.  

C 

stop creeping on my friends

Dear guy-
You're just out of a serious intense 5 year relationship that didn't
work out and you were heartbroken. I was there because it was like..
a month ago. So as much as I understand that you need to "move on"
and what not- can it not be with all my girlfriends? At first I was
like ohh fun. And I told my friends you're cool. But then I
remember you're probably not ready for a relationship. My friends
really like you and that would be fine if you were interested in them
for more than sex. However you aren't and it's pathetic that you
pretend. You slept with one and after a few times just stopped
calling her. Really? Then she comes to me like, "What happened?"
And now you're after my other friend. Just a warning to you, I'm
warning her this time!! Get your kicks off someone else's friends or
better yet keep your D in your pants and figure out your life.
My friends are not "those type" of girls!
~LaDiva~

Dear Fat BIOTCH at work,

 

In order to lose weight you have to actually go to the gym.....eating nasty smelling nustrisystem meals is clearly not working so why don't you try actually working out for once!!  Also, you seriously took a week off of work because you were gettign a new cat?!?!?!  And nooooo i did not want to see 30 pictures of said cat....ugh!  You might as well sew up your vajay-jay.

 

Do you not want to get laid EVER?!?!,

 

D

 

 

 

 

Dear Metabolism:

 

Fuck, man, where did you go? We used to kill cheeseburgers and fries like is was our job. You gotta come back because it's harder to make bunnies look if we're fat, dude. This whole new "what you eat makes a difference" thing sucks.

 

Sigh,

-T

your voicemail

Dear Cubicle Neighbor,

I don't want to hear your voicemail. I don't think anybody else here does, either. I'm not sure why you feel the need to check it on speaker phone, but when you do, it makes me want to jump over the wall we share and punch you in the face.

Twice.

Cool?
Cool.

-ML