Dear Super-Awesome Girl:
I think I’m in deep shit.
Yeah, we like each other. I actually like you so much I’m stupid. I don’t know what I’m doing.
I went to a wedding by myself two weekends ago. No biggie, right?
It’s not like we’ve been seeing each other seriously, anyway. You’re on the road working, like always, so you weren’t even ABLE to go to this wedding. But it’s not like I got invited to bring a guest in any case.
Plus my buddy’s bride-to-be’s friends are HAWT…and I’ve mad crushed on buddy-groom’s dishy little sis since college.
So I fly into Austin, where the wedding is. I’m in the wedding party, so I meet everybody. His family LOVES me. I chill with his dad and bullshit about all his future daughter in law’s hottie friends.
And my other, “not-getting-married-and-totally-from-a-different-circle” buddy who just happens to be a DJ (but isn’t attending the wedding) also lives in Austin.
So after the reception, my boy’s gear is set up in the phat SUITE I have all to myself, and he spins a sick afterparty . DJ boy feels like the lotto winner because he gets to meet all the girls who, as always, jock the DJ.
Plus the night manager gets a fat bribe from my forward-thinking self, so he doesn’t care two shits about the noise.
It’s perfect, right? Bridesmaids, my buddy’s sister, and other bunnies, all in the mood to party, are whooping it up in my room…and oh yeah, some dudes, too. And we have a blast without any worries about complaints.
I feel like I'm pimp o' the week.
And as things wrap up around 3am, DJ boy disappears with somebunny back to her room, leaving me alone with two girls: super-hot half-Japanese I-Banker girl from NYC…and groom’s drunk sis who keeps putting her hands on me.
And I think to myself, “I can PICK…or maybe even have BOTH stay.” It's totally possible. I mean, I could really...truly...conceivably pull this off.
But, Super-Awesome Girl…you fucked everything up.
All I had to do is be smooth…but I kept thinking about YOU goddamit. I had two girls in my room, neither who wanted to be the one to leave, and I’m focused on YOU, a girl in another fucking city…who might not even be serious about me.
I spend YEARS waiting and working to create moments like this. This will likely never happen again. And I can’t get Super-Awesome girl out of my head. I’m FUUUUUCKED.
So I say, “I’m tired.” And I-Banker girl looks at me like I’m retarded (I am) and she leaves. And buddy’s sister takes the clue to climb on me…and I have to tell her “no.”
Little sister is really angry and hurt, and gets tears in her eyes and says something about how she could tell I’ve liked her since forever, and that I’m mean and stupid and crazy, and she’s embarrassed. She’s right on all counts. I’m totally a dick.
But I say I’m sorry. I just can’t hook up with her. I literally walk her out the door and shove it shut saying some bullshit about how “no…you’re my best friend’s sister…this is wrong.” (Even though I don’t have any qualms about that at ALL…my real issue is you on the brain, Super-Awesome Girl.)
Drunken sister stays at the door, knocking softly, for a LONG time.
And when she finally leaves, I pick up the phone and call you, Super-Awesome Girl…just so I can hear your voice. You’re all sleepy and annoyed at being woken up, but we chat about the wedding and I th ink about how your hair smells like roses from your conditioner or shampoo or some other girlie lotion-type shit.
…and you have no idea how bad I have it for you and what stupid shit that makes me do.
If this is “falling in love,” it can go fuck itself. I hate being pathetic.
Dragging defeat from the jaws of victory,
- Super-pathetic T