Dear Today:

You KNEW I was wearing a very thin, white outfit to the Halloween party tonight, didn't you? So you sent torrential rains. I get it. I see what you're doing. Sadly for you, I own a rain coat and have cab money on hand. There's just no way in hell you are going to ruin my Kill Bill one-eyed nurse get-up before the pub crawl of debauchery on All Hallows Eve, so go suck a d.

Willing to lose my Eeyore umbrella and Hunter wellies if it means I might get felt-up against a wall tonight,
Dear life,

My weren't you evil last night. I had airplane ride from hell and got diverted to small town Norwegian love fest not in a land up north. So I decided to have a beer ... that lead to another, and another, and another. I figured I needed to counter act the liquid so decided it was time for food. As I was leaving I saw you. I had enough in my bloodstream to go say "hi ... weren't you on our airplane?"

When I got back from dinner thinking I had struck out once again. You asked if I needed a place to take a nap until the trip resumed back north. You don't have to ask me more then once. I put down the beer, picked up my luggage, and followed this Czech beauty. I was on cloud nine because I was going o score with a beauty I hadn't seen in many, many years.

We talked, got comfortable and started to fall asleep. I had about 8 hours until the new transportation mode to get back north so there was plenty of time to do the deed. The phone rang and startled us to reality. It was your husband. Funny how I didn't notice the ring on your finger ... okay I was never looking at her finger. We talked a bit more and I found out she was a lonely young woman whose husband works to many hours.

So there was a little fight going on in my mind ... the angel on one shoulder saying take a shower and go, the devil on the other shoulder saying do her. I followed the angel and took a shower.

On my way out she got up and hugged me, she had gotten naked while I was showering. Life you were just plain evil last night and I regret being the good man. Damn ....

Dear Emotionally Stunted Piece of Shit Ex Who Dumped Me Because I'm Having Surgery and Maybe Have Cancer:

There are no words to describe what a hideous pile of fucked-up jerkface human refuse douchebaggery you are. You left me crying on my front porch when you said, "Sorry, I can't be here for you," after not even ASKING when the surgery is. I'm hoping the reason you can't be here is b/c you knew you were going to die 3 days after you did this to me. Having blocked you on chat and defriended you on FB, I can only hope this was the case and that you are now safely 6 feet under, where you can never do this to anyone else. If not, I hope you get herpes in your eye and on your peen and die of syphillitic insanity, alone and unloved, which is how you left me.

Wishing I could be sure I won't burst into tears if I ever see you again,

PS I understand now why your ex-fiancee threw a knife at you and kept the ring.
Dear ex-boyfriend,

Why do I keep having dreams about you and then waking up and not being able to go back to sleep for hours? My favorite activity lately is looking at cute old pictures of us and being sad. Then today I kept thinking about you and listening to "Better in Time" by Leona Lewis on repeat in my car and hoping that the lyrics are true... I have a bad feeling that you haven't thought about me in like a month. What's my deal? Do I really miss you or am I just lonely? I feel like e-mailing you and telling you all of this... but it seems too desperate and sad.

Dear Life,

Thanks for occasionally blessing my stressed out work existence with four-hour blocks to read College Callgirl back entries.

Would be totally fine with my entire income based on my effective browsing of blowjob tutorials,
Dear Hot Girls of my Social Circle:

That’s right, not “bunnies.” Just “girls.”

Until the election season / financial meltdown caused you to become horrific psycho-bitch-beasts, we used to get along great.

In fact, we had a BLAST. What happened?

I basked in the presence of your hotnesses, and you got entertained and validated by snide ol’ me – who made no bones about finding you achingly pretty while amusing you with cutting and clever banter. You got bullshit-free and honest validation, and I got accepted just being myself. I don’t have to pretend anything and I don’t take any more than what you have on offer. Simple, right?


Why have all all of you (okay, most), in UNISON, gotten all insecure, twitchy and intolerant of me being insensitively funny. It USED to be hilarious…but now that your world is a little shaky, that makes me a caloused dick? What’s changes? News flash…I AM a caloused dick…I swear, if one more of you tells me to keep my thoughts to myself….
< /FONT>
And please…I’m just curious…HOW did you all manage to go off the deep end AT THE SAME TIME?! Most of you don’t even know each other!!! Do you have a hive mind or something? Have you ALL gone off your meds? And it’s not even just you romantical-types! Coworkers, friends… you’ve all gone completely peoples-court-plaintiff on me. WHY? Is it just the turmoil in the world?

Getting a new president, losing a job, economic downturns…this shit happens every few years to everybody, it’s called a CYCLE for a reason. Just deal with shit. It’s not like our overspent economy wasn’t doomed for a long time – and it’s not like we’ve never has an election before. Nobody’s dying that hasn’t been dying for the past 6 years. Why now? Pre-election and pre-crisis…when we were “just in a war” you all were perfectly calm and content. Maybe you should all think about that.

So, no, I won’t “just keep it to myself” when I think one of you is treating your family shitty, or I worry that your drug habit is a problem (I’m in RECOVERY, woman…I don’t have the luxury to consider any other path), or I have a political or policy opinion you disagree with, or think that going to late dinners with a married dude who’s “financially secure” is stupid. (“Secure” riiiight…how much you wanna bet? You’re so getting played.)

Put simply: You bring it up? I make a comment. Capice? I will NEVER just shut my mouth and smile.

Why won’t I just go with the flow?

Well, for starters, treating people bad is just nasty. It’s just not on. I can’t roll with it. I gotta say somethin’. But more than that, if I have to bullshit you, what the fuck is in it for me, then? I need acceptance of ME…I don’t crave acceptance as a mannequin.

Seriously. I take “less” from all you all because I don’t have it in me to do all the ass-kissing “please validate me little miss hotness” begging that all those other zombies have to shovel to make it onto you’re A-Team. Maybe that does make me an “insecure, codependent loser with an inferiority=2 0complex.” But I don’t pretend ANYTHING. At least I’m not the one hanging with a “loser.”

No, we all hang because I like being around you ; and at least I THOUGHT you liked that I’m not fake. If I’m wrong and that ain’t it, I gotta go.

You’ve never seen me get all pissed because I’m not YOUR first priority for a Saturday night, right? Why are you getting mad at me for thinking something you don’t agree with? Just because it’s not funny at someone else’s expense? Or is it because there’s something in me that’s serious and doesn’t simply reflect what you want to see?

Either way, be ing a shit to others ISN’T funny. Even I can’t make a joke out of that one. Being a hypocrite isn’t okay. I DO have principles and actually…sometimes…take action in line with them. I GET TO do that. Get it? I’m a fucking person.

Maybe you only liked it so long as my “telling it like it is” was aimed at others? Well tough. You don’t like it, fine, but tell me why. Discuss it with me and we can agree to disagree. Let me have thoughts. Don’t tell me to shut up.

I tell my friends what I think. If we aren’t at least friends, then fuck off. There are plenty of retards in line to blow sunsh ine up your ass…you’ll never need worry about getting honesty from any of them.

Are there any real bunnies left?

p.s. And why are no dudes losing their fucking minds right now? Is it just because football season’s underway? I love being easily entertained.
Dear couple sitting next to us at dinner last night,

Who sits on the same side of the booth? Let alone the side that's right next to another table that seats people. It was a relatively empty restaurant. You could have sat on the OTHER side of the booth so that your elbow wasn't in my ear the whole time as you FED EACH OTHER (gross) and I'm surprised you didn't suffocate with all the smothering going on. It's cool that you're all in love and shit but you were making out IN MY FACE. IN. MY. FACE. A couple of things...

a) Girl, if a guy was all over me like that and trying to feed me my OWN FOOD, I would fucking punch him. In the face.


c) I really need to get better at being witty on the spot so I could have thrown a Dr. Cox rant at them as we were leaving. No. Fuck that. Not as we were leaving. Way before we left so they could feel all awkward that I was still there, glaring at them. For MAKING OUT IN MY FACE.


dear drunk/high gangsta at the club last night,

i'm glad you enjoyed my drunk white girl dance moves while i grinded shamelessly on some kid from my anthropology class.
i was, however, surprised that you liked them enough to walk past me and say,
"ey gur, i got a rilllly big dick."

good... for you?,
Dear life,

I'm all about being single and trying to meet new people and all of that. But why are the only guys that hit on me total weirdos? For example, the guy that worked at the liquor store who introduced himself as "I'm single." Seriously?! And then today at the airport a guy approached and started chatting and it was fine. Then he busts out with this gem... "Do you like house music?" Umm does this guy go to raves and dance around with glow sticks or something? Because he looked to be around 30. I am starting to wonder if I give off some strange vibe.

What gives?
Dear customer at work,

That's cool you're in the army, really. I'm proud of you. You're actually quite intelligent. But it's not cool to hit on me when I'm EXTREMELY BUSY and want to get my shit done so that I can get the hell out of there by a reasonable time. Also, no, you don't get free beer because you're in the army. And I don't often take IOUs, but I didn't want to seem like too much of a stiff, so you BETTER pay for that Dos Equis tomorrow. Stop flustering me, please. I really don't have time to flirt at work.

Slightly flattered?
Dear Sausage-Wielding Criminal,

you are my favorite thing this week--

--but don't come after me next.

Dear people from my graduating class who are now married/have kids/married with children,

Have you all forgotten your only 21, 22 tops?

Still enjoying my freedom/young adulthood thankyouverymuch,
Dear dear life,

Oh how wonderful to be back in DC. It has been two years since my last visit ... how I missed you so. Unfortunately you still don't know how to drive. What happened to the "pull off the rear view mirror and drive like there is no one behind you" mindset? Going 25 in a 35 is just plain wrong! Enjoying my time, just not the drivers. More to come ....

Dear Dear-Lifers,

I started talking to an old friend from study abroad within the last couple of months, and for various reasons relating to a desire to hang out (and also, secretly, hoping to make the "New" Crush jealous), we started discussing a visit. The original idea I threw out was me visiting him, that way, it was my dime and there was no pressure. However, owing to me being cheap and also getting jury duty, and his desire (he claims) to visit San Francisco, we're now discussing him visiting me. I was pumped about this, but now I'm wondering if I'm going to be expected to sleep with him or something.

I mean, we're both single but I'm not trying to set up a booty-call visit. Frankly, I'm ready to swear off guys after the rampant douchebaggery of the "New" Crush (which involves him texting and IMing me dirty messages while his g/f was visiting, among other things), whom, despite aforementioned douchebaggery, I still have insane feelings for.

And while I'm asking questions here, might I ask why my MBA program won't accept my calculus transcript? And why my new apartment is in the ghetto? And why despite that ghetto, I'm going to be paying more money every month? And why I can't just have one damn thing go my way?!

Exasperated, and nervous,
Dear Girl In My Office-

You are retarded. I have no idea how you have received the distinction of being a director. You can't form a sentence without using the word "like" at least 14 times, "youknowwhaimean" twice, and a few "ums"(kids in England get thrown out of school for this, you know). Also-learn how to use a copy machine. Have you ever stopped to think that it may not be a mechanical fault? Maybe its the operator? Also known as you? Also, please stop accusing the machine of being on drugs. If i hear you say "the printer's on meth" one more time, i'm going to throw you in to the river. You are making it very hard for me to go into work today. Luckily, i am so committed to this campaign i'm willing to overdose on advil to make it happen.

I guess Its only for a few more days....

Also, stop eating all of my grapes.

Clueless was like, so, 10 years ago or something. Youknowwhaimean?-
Dear guy sitting in front of me,

The more you tap your fingernails on the back of your girlfriend's chair, the more I fantasize about stabbing you in the hand with my ballpoint pen.

Dear adorable BF,

Ever since you 8th-grade style asked me to be your girlfriend and took me to my first drive in movie that was 2 hours away when I came back from Europe, the "L" word has been tickling my lips. But now we have casually mentioned moving in together, you bought me a tiffany's necklace for my b-day [doesn't Tiffany's = love], and I have this Darwinian urge to reproduce with your genes after NEVER wanting babies. If you don't say it soon, it might just escape next time you do your kick-ass Borat impression or show up at my apartment in scrubs.

love [???],
Dear Employment Promotion-

I am really excited about you and the relocation. However, waiting until Sunday night to find out where I am going is killing me. I also love how i am supposed to start you on Tuesday, maybe Monday. But that's not the issue...I work well under pressure (Thats how i got the job...)Let's send me somewhere awesome. Perhaps Virginia Beach. Albequrque would rock, also.

Or D.C.

D.C. would be really rad.

Or maybe even just Northern Virginia. The Alexandria office? Fairfax? Please?


Dear Tina Turner;

After seeing the opening night of your new tour in Kansas City Missouri all I can say is this: Holy fuckshit you are amazing.