Dear On/Off F-Buddy,

Why do you have to be the way you are??  Why does it have to be completely impossible to have a real relationship with you, when I want you so bad that just looking at pictures of you makes my vagina cry a little?  You're distracting me from the nice boy that respects me and actually wants a relationship.  Stop making it so hard for me to forget about your beautiful, large penis and the way you smell in the morning.  Gahh get out of my head!  Can I just take your pheromones and your penis and transfer them to my nice boy?? 

Irma

dear Jumbline iphone game,

you are my abso favorite way to waste time in class. i love you to no end and you make me feel smart and literate. but during my last two games, IN A ROW, the six letter words i had to find were MOANING and WEINER. yes, in that order. no, i  am not shitting you. 

can we keep it pg please? i do not need to be thinking about moaning OR weiners during my intro to criminal justice class. 

there are kids out there,

-c

Dear The Face,

 

You know why our hook-up was quote "very, very hot"?  The lights were out. 

 

There won't be a repeat of that mistake.

 

Love,

Em

Poor Life Costume Choice

Dear C and others,

I had a similar terrible costume decision.  I've since modified...but still going to go for it...mostly.

I'm pretty sure the boys are going to be pawing at me all night,

Em

Dear c

I like boys but even I would want to hit it if I saw you wearing that costume.  Best of luck!

C

dear C,

SO. DAMN. CUTE.

here's mine:

(the black one)

i feel like it sends the right message- a cross between "i kind of have a boyfriend who doesn't want to commit to me" and "i'm ready to take jello shots and make the worst decisions ever".

happy halloweiner!

-c 

Dear Halloween Costume,

      









What was I thinking? 

-C

Dear Lindsey,

Not only do you clean the entire house obsessive compulsively and do my laundry, you also ridiculously inexpensive. My house has never been cleaner. You're a godsend!  What am I going to do without you? My roommates are filthy fork-hoarding non-rent paying slobs.

C

Dear Facebook:

 

You make it possible for me to mindread the daily ponderings of all my acquaintances - AND to get realtime news on the events and happenings they care about.

 

Now, I not only know beyond doubt how stupid and dull my circle is, but it also turns out that...deep deep down...everybody I know is really shallow.

 

Even the commentary I make up for my dog when he licks his balls is better.

 

Missing my delusions of friends with hidden substance,

-T

dear black cat,

So I'm smoking a cigarette outside this morning and you run up to me and you look like you are shivering.  Why does your owner not keep you inside at night?  Is it because he's a 80 year old hoarder and he has no room to accommodate you? 

Sort of sad,

C

Dear Adrienne,

Will you please write some posts for Dear Life? We're missing your wit.  

[Please comment and indicate your interest in Adrienne posting on the blog.  Hopefully peer pressure will be effective].

C

Dear a**hole ,

So yesterday you robbed my roommate in broad daylight in front of our house.  Unfortunately for you, you only managed to get away with a bag that you thought was her purse -- however, as I'm sure you've found out by now, it only contained ..... hair extensions.  Don't ask me why she was carrying a bag with hair extensions in it... she's a hairdresser if you really must know.  And why after robbing someone would you take off on foot to the Captain D's across the street and chill out until my other badass roommate comes running after you like a madman.  I'm sorry that your crime spree was so unsuccessful.  I'm pretty sure that a black man wearing blond hair extensions is going to draw quite a bit of attention.  Oh wait, we don't need to wonder because you already got arrested.  Hope prison is a blast! 

C

Dear procrastination,

You've got me by the nuts. Please let go.

C

Sent from my iPhone

Dear Penis,

Dear New Kids on the Block radio (a la Pandora)

Thank you for making my morning bus commute a little less horrible considering I am beginning my week on a Friday.

Love,

cjm

dear job,  

I felt vaguely guilty today as I spent the entire morning taking care of my personal email and researching other job opportunities.  I also felt a little guilty leaving right at 5pm as the over-achievers were just warming up. I'm conflicted.  A part of me really wants to quit my job and wander around the world.  Another part of me wants to move to NYC and have the time of my life (this is the latest fixation).  A third part of me wants to stay put because it's comfortable and I'm lazy.  Another part of me wants to move back to my hometown so I can be closer to my family, not the part of me that wants to get the hell out of dodge after a week of being around them.  

I feel a little bit like this is my life and it's ending one minute at a time and I am too codependent and comfortable to do anything about it.  What happened to courage?  I don't want to be a space monkey any longer.  I think our strategy is stupid and I'm spending my time with my head buried in spreadsheets substantiating projects I don't even agree with.... dealing with unmanageable people with unreasonable expectations... oh  wait, that's me.  

C 

stop creeping on my friends

Dear guy-
You're just out of a serious intense 5 year relationship that didn't
work out and you were heartbroken. I was there because it was like..
a month ago. So as much as I understand that you need to "move on"
and what not- can it not be with all my girlfriends? At first I was
like ohh fun. And I told my friends you're cool. But then I
remember you're probably not ready for a relationship. My friends
really like you and that would be fine if you were interested in them
for more than sex. However you aren't and it's pathetic that you
pretend. You slept with one and after a few times just stopped
calling her. Really? Then she comes to me like, "What happened?"
And now you're after my other friend. Just a warning to you, I'm
warning her this time!! Get your kicks off someone else's friends or
better yet keep your D in your pants and figure out your life.
My friends are not "those type" of girls!
~LaDiva~

Dear Fat BIOTCH at work,

 

In order to lose weight you have to actually go to the gym.....eating nasty smelling nustrisystem meals is clearly not working so why don't you try actually working out for once!!  Also, you seriously took a week off of work because you were gettign a new cat?!?!?!  And nooooo i did not want to see 30 pictures of said cat....ugh!  You might as well sew up your vajay-jay.

 

Do you not want to get laid EVER?!?!,

 

D

 

 

 

 

Dear Metabolism:

 

Fuck, man, where did you go? We used to kill cheeseburgers and fries like is was our job. You gotta come back because it's harder to make bunnies look if we're fat, dude. This whole new "what you eat makes a difference" thing sucks.

 

Sigh,

-T

your voicemail

Dear Cubicle Neighbor,

I don't want to hear your voicemail. I don't think anybody else here does, either. I'm not sure why you feel the need to check it on speaker phone, but when you do, it makes me want to jump over the wall we share and punch you in the face.

Twice.

Cool?
Cool.

-ML

dear banana bread oatmeal,

 

WORST. FLAVOR. EVER.

 

just because i want high fiber oatmeal instead of sugar-laden carbohydrate death does NOT mean that i want YOU to replace apples and cinnamon in the multipack of 3 flavors! maple brown sugar, cinnamon spice, and banana asshole: one of these things is NOT like the others. no amount of office non-dairy creamer can repair this catastrophe. i am sad. never enter my mouth ever again. (twss)

 

with sadness and a pukey face,

-c

Dear Former F-Buddy,

You and I have been on again/off again for the better part of a year and I accepted a long time ago that we'd never be a real couple.  I tried to just be your hookup buddy, but my damn hormones keep overriding my brain and I always end up thinking about you, so I finally stopped seeing you.  And now here you are, calling again, trying to get back on me.  Now look, don't get me wrong; I am very flattered at your renewed interest in my vagina.  And I swear, all i want to do is come over to your place and let you cook me some dinner and then pleasure me all night.  Don't you think I want that??  But you have to understand that my vagina and I are partners--we have to make these kinds of decisions together.  She has already given you far too many chances without even consulting me--well this time, I am not letting her take over!  I'm sorry, but we cannot see you.  You are too hot, your dick is too perfect, your lifestyle as a musician is too exciting and you are way too good at sex to ever settle down in a relationship or be exclusive with me.... but if I let my vagina even into the same room as you, neither of us stand a chance.  So I just have to walk away... I'm sorry.

You will always hold a special place in my vagina and in my masturbatory fantasies,
Irma

Austin City Limits

Dear Austin City Limits Music Festival,

You were fucking awesome.  I loved the music, the weather, the USC Gamecocks beating Alabama, and my VIP tickets that granted me free booze, food, and shade whenever I wanted. 

Also, Torchy's Tacos is the shit.

Forever yours,

Paul

Dear Lucy Van Pelt:

Dear Lucy Van Pelt of Peanuts:

Are you the evil genius behind Dear Life? Here's why I think, "Maybe."

Every autumn you hold the football for Charlie Brown to kick. And every year...sucker that he is...he thinks that this time, FOR REALS, you'll actually let him kick it. But then you yank the ball away and he sails ass-over-teakettle into "AAAUGH" inducing wipeout.

You SAY that dearlifeblog is back and you'll post the posts if they're tres awesome, but...are you for reals? Or are we getting Charlie Brown clowned?

Hopeful that "A" does not equal "L",
-T

N

N,

I really care about you. Really really. Do you know how hard it is for me to just NOT sleep with the cute guys that have been throwing themselves at me lately? First B and then S, it's as if as soon as my heart went out to you, their dicks came out to me. Nevertheless, nothing has happened with anyone…not even you! I know this long distance thing sucks, and I know you and I have had the "boyfriends" talk and that we're on the same page about that. But I need something from you, I need you to kiss me and dick me because if you won't… they will

 

With love,

K

dear life post :)

dear this weekend,

best. shitshow. ever.

spent friday barhopping, aka chasing delicious men from the film school all over town and ending at the nicest condo apt i've ever seen in my life. slept on creepiest twin size mattress EVER with the least cute of the film schoolers because i probably could have grown another head before i could have operated a vehicle. that was a fail.

spent all day saturday walking and bike riding in the gorgeous fall weather, then went out for a friend's 21st birthday. defended birthday girl's wasted roommate from a very wet girl that she had thrown 2 drinks on for no reason. TWO. i mean, you can possibly get a pass for the first drink if you literally can't stand up. but second drink? notttt really an excuse for that. as wet girl and her friends are tracking wasted roommate into the bathroom to fight her as she lays on the floor vomiting, i was sober enough to recognize the irony when the bathroom attendant turned to me and said "can i talk to you outside? you seem like you're coherent enough to help me with this situation." first and last time for THAT sentence in my life.

anyway, puke girl goes home (with the help of the bouncers, enlisted BY ME-- WHO IS THIS RESPONSIBLE ADULT AND WHY IS SHE USING MY BODY), the bar starts offering dollar shots to celebrate our football team completely murdering ass on a horrible rival team. get text message for booty call from old/quickly becoming current f-buddy (we'll call him a). responded VERY enthusiastically. drive to his apartment and toddle in my stripper heels across the complex-- not the best idea, in retrospect-- and have the following conversation with a very thugged out individual in a caddy:

Thugged Out Individual: "ay, girl!"

c: "hiii"

TOI: "whatchu doin? you look gooood. come with us."

c: "uh, no. sorry. i'm going to my boyfriend's house."

TOI: "nah, forget about him. i'll eat that p***y!"

c: "no... thanks?"

TOI shakes his head and drives off muttering about how i should forget about my boyfriend. i am laughing so hard i can't stand up straight. upon arrival, inform A that he had better do a good job, because i passed up a golden opportunity for cunnilingus from a gang member in the parking lot. (he did, by the way. do a good job that is.) 

i'm off to stalk all of my old dear life posts and maybe do homework... just kidding about that last part. may all of your weeks be filled with random guys offering to go down on you! SO glad dear life is back.

-c

Dear Life is back + needs your help!

Dear Lifers past and present,

This is C checking in with some exciting news -- Dear Life is back.  I'm reaching out to you because at one point or another, you submitted a post. We'd like your help in bringing Dear Life back to life. 

What happened?

I had sushi with A last week and we were lamenting the death of the blog. With A's busy schedule entering the real world updating the blog as frequently became a challenge.  The posts stopped rolling in and a vicious spiral ensued.  

Why bring it back?

Many of us have felt like there's something missing without Dear Life around.  Recently I (and others) have been rediscovering the posts we submitted two or three years ago and reliving the forgotten hysterical, unbelievable, and yes, sometimes embarrassing and painful moments.   

What can I do to help?

The #1 thing you can do is submit a quality post.  To make this easier, we've enabled autoposting.  Send your post to dearlifeblog.posting@blogger.com and it will get automatically published.  

What else can I do?

Bookmark the page 

Tell your friends. 

Post about it on your blog.

Link to Dear Life

Give us feedback on the new layout and ideas for improvement.

Thanks for your help.  Lets bring this community back to life.  Now, come on and send a post in and let's kick this thing off: dearlifeblog.posting@blogger.com

Love, C 

Dear Calves,

Why do you hurt so much?  5K is not that far!  

C

Dear Barefoot Running,

Should I be a little bit embarrassed that I've been preaching about how barefoot running prevents injuries and then I go and get tendonitis on the top of my foot.... from running barefoot. 

C

Dear A,

I'm so thankful for this blog. I took about a year and a half off and just re-discovered you. I decided to re-read each of my posts and I practically re-lived my crazy life pre serious bf and pre law school. I'm still in law school, but the serious bf is out the window. I'm wondering if my re-discovery of this gift from God will help me to fall back into my past life of lots of fun and lots of boys (minus the time I hit that guy with my car and sans the scabies incident)?

I seriously hope we can find a way to get this blog going again so it can re-claim itself as my daily guilty pleasure (that amongst other things)!

A girl can only hope,
Em