Dear Rihanna,

I am not sure if you got the memo, but you have absolutely NO TALENT. And I know that the constant praise and adoration that you receive can be misleading, but trust me honey, they AREN'T yelling because they think you sing/dance well. They are yelling because your Gucci sandals are freakin awesome and your abs are fierce.

Now don't get me wrong, you surely do know how to rock an American Apparel tank top and make it look like Fendi, but your musical skills are significantly below par. I say this because some horny executive at MTV came up with the "great" idea of making you the opener for the VMAs. BIG mistake. I was so drowsy after your Frankenstein-infused performance that I felt like I was slowly falling into a coma. I mean, just because you look hot in shredded fish nets and black lipstick DOES NOT give you the right to bore the hell out of all the sad people in the audience. I mean, even ONE dance move would have sufficed, but no, instead you spent your whole 4 minutes sauntering around stage like an autistic zombie in an attempt to match up with the 800 dancers that MTV hired to mask your uninspiring performance.

Honestly, your spotty show must have somehow brought shame upon the house of Chris Brown. Last year, he seriously put on one of the greatest performances that I have seen on the VMAs since MC Hammer, and you just pissed all over it with, by far, the WORST musical act since Britney and the Belly Beast.

How about you do us all a favor and take these tips to ensure that you don't become the next Samantha Mumba:
1) Go into modeling, because between acting, singing, and dancing, that is pretty much the ONLY ONE that you can actually do flawlessly.
2) Stop shopping everyday. If you were Beyonce (which I think you wish you were), I wouldn't be telling you this. But you are not and will never be Beyonce, so stick to an every-other-weekend shopping schedule, mmkay? Thanks.
and 3) Don't you ever, never, ever ever ever break up with Chris Brown. Even if he cheats on you. Stay with that boy for as long as is humanly possible because you are gonna need his cashola when your boobs start to fall and your singing abilities (or lack thereof) begin to overshadow your keen eye for expensive fashion. Having a baby by him wouldn't be a bad idea either. Even though that might have a negative effect on your sultry image for a few months, it would be a major investment for your financial future.

I hope this helps you to realize the monster that you are up against. Yeah, you may have everything now: a HOT (and talented) boyfriend, fame, an abundance of cash for shopping sprees, and a firm backside, but one day, someone is going to want you to actually WORK for the money that you are getting paid. And then what? You will be doing full frontal scenes in B-movies and posing for the cover of KING magazine. Good luck with that.

Keep up the good "work",
TR