Dear My Car,
Ok, I know you hate me right now. I know you probably don't want to speak to me. But listen, I am sooo sorry. I will be the first to admit, I am probably the most irresponsible person I know. I had no idea you were 5,000 miles overdue for an oil change 2 weeks ago. And on Friday, I swear to God, that car in front of me SLAMMED on their brakes leaving me no choice but to ram it from behind with you. You know it wasn't my fault that the car behind us ass-raped you either. I know today was the straw that broke the camel's back between us. I was ON MY WAY to fill you up with gas when I exhausted you to your limit. And I'm sorry I made all those people honk at us when I left you for dead in the middle of the road. I'm really beating myself up over all of this. Know that I feel terrible. I promise to try harder. I don't deserve you.
Please Forgive Me,
P.S. I'm gonna make this up to you. I WILL get the fetid bird excrement that you've been sporting for weeks washed off of you soon.