Dear person at work,
I would just like to let you know that I do not respond well to your constant belittling and knitpicking me. It's one thing to point out that I did something wrong and ask if I can correct it, say, on a report. But it is totally another to actively SEARCH for things that I'm doing wrong in normal life, and constantly make comments about them. Like when you went on and on about how I pushed the wrong freakin button on the elevator to go down instead of up. Yeah, dumbass, I pushed the wrong freakin button, but no one told you that you HAD to get on that freakin elevator. I do believe your bossy ass could have just waited for the next elevator to go up. Good job Einstein! Don't blame me because you're a loser.
And another thing, stop pretending not to stare at my round and supple ass when I'm making copies. I have had this sexy rear-end my ENTIRE LIFE, and I have grown accustomed to people staring at my ass, and I can usually tell when they are, even with my back turned. So just stop because it is ultra awk-ward.
I think that is all for now. Until next time, when you say something stupid, like how I took that mail out too late or how I should rearrange the coffee mugs in the cabinet or something.
Get off my ass...literally,