Dear Sexy L.A. Man,
Not only did you give me the greatest 6-timer night of sex, but now you have given me 3 counts of phone sex in 2 weeks. Ummm. Get your ass on a plane and come see me now sir. You're horniness is way too contagious for us to be on opposite sides of the country. Praying you land another commercial so you can afford to fly the friendly skies...also praying you realize actors can find work in nyc too...
rawr,
blondie
Dear Latino boy I'm dating,
Let's have sex soon, if only so I can find out if you're circumcised. I hear a lot of men in Latin America aren't, and I really can't wait to find out if you're still in possession of your foreskin or not. Seriously, the suspense is killing me — like waiting to open a Christmas present that's just sitting under the tree.
You just texted me asking to hang out tonight so here's hoping,
WanderingChick
PS If you could be super hung, that would be fab too.
Let's have sex soon, if only so I can find out if you're circumcised. I hear a lot of men in Latin America aren't, and I really can't wait to find out if you're still in possession of your foreskin or not. Seriously, the suspense is killing me — like waiting to open a Christmas present that's just sitting under the tree.
You just texted me asking to hang out tonight so here's hoping,
WanderingChick
PS If you could be super hung, that would be fab too.
Dear "New" Crush,
I'm completely unimpressed with your g/f, and actually somewhat insulted that you'd rather date her. I wish I had the courage to tell you that in person, but I don't. Just know that I'm judging you a little bit, and nursing my wounded pride.
Consider me having totally given up, because I'm not even sure I would want to date you now, especially if she were to break up with you because I do not want to be second best to her. I know this makes me sound completely egotistical, but you know me--I have less self-confidence than would fill a thimble. That said, losing to her makes me sick because I'm sure I have at least as much to offer as she does, and I suspect I have more.
Maybe some day I'll find someone who does want what I have to offer. Maybe not. But you made your choice, and I'm not impressed. And given how much I generally admire you and your decisions as a friend, that makes me sad.
R
I'm completely unimpressed with your g/f, and actually somewhat insulted that you'd rather date her. I wish I had the courage to tell you that in person, but I don't. Just know that I'm judging you a little bit, and nursing my wounded pride.
Consider me having totally given up, because I'm not even sure I would want to date you now, especially if she were to break up with you because I do not want to be second best to her. I know this makes me sound completely egotistical, but you know me--I have less self-confidence than would fill a thimble. That said, losing to her makes me sick because I'm sure I have at least as much to offer as she does, and I suspect I have more.
Maybe some day I'll find someone who does want what I have to offer. Maybe not. But you made your choice, and I'm not impressed. And given how much I generally admire you and your decisions as a friend, that makes me sad.
R
Dear Life,
So, I was OK when my BFF told me that she and her husband of 20 years were going to try an 'open' relationship. However, when that entailed the two of them trying to fuck other people in our 'circle of friends', I got uncomfortable. I said outright, "OK…don't tell me, because really, it's not OK with me and I don't want to know about it". But you insisted. Really, I don't need the drama. I actually like my friends. And, having my friends and even distant friends not want to hang out with ME because they are worried that my 'open relationship' friends (this means you) might want to start fucking their significant others. Yeah, OK, I get it. It's not cool. Do you even care that you are going to significantly fuck up my relationships with other people forever?
Why, why, why must you try to fuck within the inner circle? I mean, even the outer far-reaching circle can be, as I have found out personally, NOT cool. Go fuck someone you have never met. Really, try it. Oh, it's not about the sex you say. Now you are 'poly-amorous'. Really? Because I can see divorce just around corner; if not from your husband, then maybe from our friendship. Seriously. Not cool.
Signed,
Down with drama
So, I was OK when my BFF told me that she and her husband of 20 years were going to try an 'open' relationship. However, when that entailed the two of them trying to fuck other people in our 'circle of friends', I got uncomfortable. I said outright, "OK…don't tell me, because really, it's not OK with me and I don't want to know about it". But you insisted. Really, I don't need the drama. I actually like my friends. And, having my friends and even distant friends not want to hang out with ME because they are worried that my 'open relationship' friends (this means you) might want to start fucking their significant others. Yeah, OK, I get it. It's not cool. Do you even care that you are going to significantly fuck up my relationships with other people forever?
Why, why, why must you try to fuck within the inner circle? I mean, even the outer far-reaching circle can be, as I have found out personally, NOT cool. Go fuck someone you have never met. Really, try it. Oh, it's not about the sex you say. Now you are 'poly-amorous'. Really? Because I can see divorce just around corner; if not from your husband, then maybe from our friendship. Seriously. Not cool.
Signed,
Down with drama
dear uterus/additional female parts,
please do not have a fetus in you. that'd realllly not work out right now (...or ever?). negative prego test but still not raggin' is seriously bumming me out.
additionally, if you could please stop giving me terribly painful UTIs every.single.goddamn.time after a wild night of sex with my boyfriend, that'd be super. really.
sorry about the TMIs,
-j
please do not have a fetus in you. that'd realllly not work out right now (...or ever?). negative prego test but still not raggin' is seriously bumming me out.
additionally, if you could please stop giving me terribly painful UTIs every.single.goddamn.time after a wild night of sex with my boyfriend, that'd be super. really.
sorry about the TMIs,
-j
Dear Baltimore City Motor Vehicle Administration:
Here are things that were simply amazing about my recent trip to get my Maryland drivers license:
1) the gentleman in front of me in line freely offered me the information that he was "there to get his license back from the courts"
2) same dude so graciously said, "damn, you are the best looking woman that's been in here all day. Your feet are real pretty. I want to take you out and get your feet done."
3) ...he also asked if I was married.
4) your doors are guarded by armed policemen.
However, I appreciate that I was somehow in and out in under 45 minutes.
Keeping life interesting,
gg
Here are things that were simply amazing about my recent trip to get my Maryland drivers license:
1) the gentleman in front of me in line freely offered me the information that he was "there to get his license back from the courts"
2) same dude so graciously said, "damn, you are the best looking woman that's been in here all day. Your feet are real pretty. I want to take you out and get your feet done."
3) ...he also asked if I was married.
4) your doors are guarded by armed policemen.
However, I appreciate that I was somehow in and out in under 45 minutes.
Keeping life interesting,
gg
Dear life-
This morning when I was doing the walk of shame back to my apartment wearing daisy dukes and a t-shirt, a greasy guy in bleached ripped up jeans approached me and asks me where I work. WTF? So of course I ask why and he says he wants to offer me a job..."In the entertainment industry." Mother fucker. I guess dressing like a skank gets you these thrilling opportunities of being randomly given an "entertainment industry" job at 7 am in the morning... Note to self- stop dressing like a stripper or people will think that's your dream job.
Keeping my cheeks hidden for a while...
~LaDiva~
This morning when I was doing the walk of shame back to my apartment wearing daisy dukes and a t-shirt, a greasy guy in bleached ripped up jeans approached me and asks me where I work. WTF? So of course I ask why and he says he wants to offer me a job..."In the entertainment industry." Mother fucker. I guess dressing like a skank gets you these thrilling opportunities of being randomly given an "entertainment industry" job at 7 am in the morning... Note to self- stop dressing like a stripper or people will think that's your dream job.
Keeping my cheeks hidden for a while...
~LaDiva~
Dear Dear Lifers,
So I've been reading this blog long enough to feel like a creeper if I don't start contributing. So, a little about myself: I hate committment, love shoes, prefer cats over dogs and sex over chocolate and get all hot when I meet sexy Latino men. I own a pair of skinny purple jeans and have two tattoos. I once dropped acid on Halloween night in a college town. I'm dating a guy who doesn't speak English and has an Ecuadorian accent I have trouble understanding. Fellow Dear Lifer Eloise is my bff since kindergarten. I'm generally lazy, which is why I'm blogging at work.
Here's promising to make as many poor life decisions as possible for the sake of literary value,
WanderingChick
So I've been reading this blog long enough to feel like a creeper if I don't start contributing. So, a little about myself: I hate committment, love shoes, prefer cats over dogs and sex over chocolate and get all hot when I meet sexy Latino men. I own a pair of skinny purple jeans and have two tattoos. I once dropped acid on Halloween night in a college town. I'm dating a guy who doesn't speak English and has an Ecuadorian accent I have trouble understanding. Fellow Dear Lifer Eloise is my bff since kindergarten. I'm generally lazy, which is why I'm blogging at work.
Here's promising to make as many poor life decisions as possible for the sake of literary value,
WanderingChick
Dear Life,
I wore a shirt and tie to my latest interview. Why? Because I'm a fucking college graduate. Did I get the job? Yes. Totally awesome right? My BA totally just landed me the job of 3rd shift stock boy at the grocery store. From the hours of 10pm straight through 6am I will be taking shit off of a truck, making sure that Captain Crunch is sitting pretty on the shelf, and buffing the ever-loving hell out of that linoleum floor. I never thought I'd say this, but I really miss working for Poolservice Company. Why is this the best North Carolina's economy can offer? Do I kill myself now or later? Seriously.
Who wants my DVD collection?
Dan in NC
I wore a shirt and tie to my latest interview. Why? Because I'm a fucking college graduate. Did I get the job? Yes. Totally awesome right? My BA totally just landed me the job of 3rd shift stock boy at the grocery store. From the hours of 10pm straight through 6am I will be taking shit off of a truck, making sure that Captain Crunch is sitting pretty on the shelf, and buffing the ever-loving hell out of that linoleum floor. I never thought I'd say this, but I really miss working for Poolservice Company. Why is this the best North Carolina's economy can offer? Do I kill myself now or later? Seriously.
Who wants my DVD collection?
Dan in NC
Dear apartment managers,
Who the hell are you guys? No, seriously, WHO are you? I've only seen the twos of yous about 1 time each, and that was when you were individually handing out verbal warnings about double parking and "illegal bbq'ing". You guys are ass-wipes, seriously. How can you just walk up to someone you don't even know and who doesn't even recognize you as the landlord, and commence to tell them how they "can't" do something? I mean, you might wanna start introducing yourself to ppl since you are NEVER around in the daytime, none of my neighbors know what you look like, and mostly all of the tenants think that you guys are the crackhead twins. Also, the word "asshole" is occasionally tossed around when referring to either of you. That's not necessarily a GOOD thing, guys.
I'm not saying you have to be nice, just be present. It does WONDERS for the comfort and animosity levels of your apartment dwellers if they can actually see you walking around the complex cleaning, or maybe painting that freakin wall that those little tweeners wrote love tags all over. It does NOT do you guys any good or make your rent checks arrive any sooner when you roam around the apartment at all hours of the night, quietly approach a resident, and then start running off at the mouth about oil spots in the parking lot. This is especially bad to do to me since you never know what kind of self-defense mechanism I might be bearing at that time. I'm just giving you fair warning so that when you get busted in the head with a size-10 Nine West heel, you can't blame me. (My kung fu is strong.)
Here are some tips for you guys to be better managers:
1) Stop asking random ass personal questions about my life. It goes from making conversation to just being creepy. Especially since you have copies of my apartment key and you ask what time i usually get home. So not cool.
2) Stop trying to enforce noise violation codes when you own a motorcycle that sounds like WWIII in the parking lot. You know, at 1am on a Tuesday, people are usually sleeping and don't have the luxury/insanity to ride around on a motorcycle. Just a thought.
3) Don't stroll up on my house guests and start telling them that they can't hang out on my patio. You dumb trick! Those antics could get you faded in the hood. You're just lucky we don't live in the hood.
4) Fix the faucet. It's been messed up since I moved in and you guys refuse to fix it. Don't be surprised if I hold your crack money, i mean, rent checks for a few extra days until you fix it.
5) Quit your full-time jobs. It might help you guys to be better landlords. Otherwise, you are gonna hear me talking shit about you after every encounter we have. You guys deserve it. Only an asshole would call the cops on us at 7pm just because we were playing Cranium too loud. It was Saturday, you prick, don't hate just b/c YOU don't have any plans for the weekend.
With these great tips in mind, you guys should be in tip top shape by next year.
Keep up the great work!
TR
Who the hell are you guys? No, seriously, WHO are you? I've only seen the twos of yous about 1 time each, and that was when you were individually handing out verbal warnings about double parking and "illegal bbq'ing". You guys are ass-wipes, seriously. How can you just walk up to someone you don't even know and who doesn't even recognize you as the landlord, and commence to tell them how they "can't" do something? I mean, you might wanna start introducing yourself to ppl since you are NEVER around in the daytime, none of my neighbors know what you look like, and mostly all of the tenants think that you guys are the crackhead twins. Also, the word "asshole" is occasionally tossed around when referring to either of you. That's not necessarily a GOOD thing, guys.
I'm not saying you have to be nice, just be present. It does WONDERS for the comfort and animosity levels of your apartment dwellers if they can actually see you walking around the complex cleaning, or maybe painting that freakin wall that those little tweeners wrote love tags all over. It does NOT do you guys any good or make your rent checks arrive any sooner when you roam around the apartment at all hours of the night, quietly approach a resident, and then start running off at the mouth about oil spots in the parking lot. This is especially bad to do to me since you never know what kind of self-defense mechanism I might be bearing at that time. I'm just giving you fair warning so that when you get busted in the head with a size-10 Nine West heel, you can't blame me. (My kung fu is strong.)
Here are some tips for you guys to be better managers:
1) Stop asking random ass personal questions about my life. It goes from making conversation to just being creepy. Especially since you have copies of my apartment key and you ask what time i usually get home. So not cool.
2) Stop trying to enforce noise violation codes when you own a motorcycle that sounds like WWIII in the parking lot. You know, at 1am on a Tuesday, people are usually sleeping and don't have the luxury/insanity to ride around on a motorcycle. Just a thought.
3) Don't stroll up on my house guests and start telling them that they can't hang out on my patio. You dumb trick! Those antics could get you faded in the hood. You're just lucky we don't live in the hood.
4) Fix the faucet. It's been messed up since I moved in and you guys refuse to fix it. Don't be surprised if I hold your crack money, i mean, rent checks for a few extra days until you fix it.
5) Quit your full-time jobs. It might help you guys to be better landlords. Otherwise, you are gonna hear me talking shit about you after every encounter we have. You guys deserve it. Only an asshole would call the cops on us at 7pm just because we were playing Cranium too loud. It was Saturday, you prick, don't hate just b/c YOU don't have any plans for the weekend.
With these great tips in mind, you guys should be in tip top shape by next year.
Keep up the great work!
TR
Dear apartment managers,
Who the hell are you guys? No, seriously, WHO are you? I've only seen the twos of yous about 1 time each, and that was when you were individually handing out verbal warnings about double parking and "illegal bbq'ing". You guys are ass-wipes, seriously. How can you just walk up to someone you don't even know and who doesn't even recognize you as the landlord, and commence to tell them how they "can't" do something? I mean, you might wanna start introducing yourself to ppl since you are NEVER around in the daytime, none of my neighbors know what you look like, and mostly all of the tenants think that you guys are the crackhead twins. Also, the word "asshole" is occasionally tossed around when referring to either of you. That's not necessarily a GOOD thing, guys.
I'm not saying you have to be nice, just be present. It does WONDERS for the comfort and animosity levels of your apartment dwellers if they can actually see you walking around the complex cleaning, or maybe painting that freakin wall that those little tweeners wrote love tags all over. It does NOT do you guys any good or make your rent checks arrive any sooner when you roam around the apartment at all hours of the night, quietly approach a resident, and then start running off at the mouth about oil spots in the parking lot. This is especially bad to do to me since you never know what kind of self-defense mechanism I might be bearing at that time. I'm just giving you fair warning so that when you get busted in the head with a size-10 Nine West heel, you can't blame me. (My kung fu is strong.)
Here are some tips for you guys to be better managers:
1) Stop asking random ass personal questions about my life. It goes from making conversation to just being creepy. Especially since you have copies of my apartment key and you ask what time i usually get home. So not cool.
2) Stop trying to enforce noise violation codes when you own a motorcycle that sounds like WWIII in the parking lot. You know, at 1am on a Tuesday, people are usually sleeping and don't have the luxury/insanity to ride around on a motorcycle. Just a thought.
3) Don't stroll up on my house guests and start telling them that they can't hang out on my patio. You dumb trick! Those antics could get you faded in the hood. You're just lucky we don't live in the hood.
4) Fix the faucet. It's been messed up since I moved in and you guys refuse to fix it. Don't be surprised if I hold your crack money, i mean, rent checks for a few extra days until you fix it.
5) Quit your full-time jobs. It might help you guys to be better landlords. Otherwise, you are gonna hear me talking shit about you after every encounter we have. You guys deserve it. Only an asshole would call the cops on us at 7pm just because we were playing Cranium too loud. It was Saturday, you prick, don't hate just b/c YOU don't have any plans for the weekend.
With these great tips in mind, you guys should be in tip top shape by next year.
Keep up the great work!
TR
Who the hell are you guys? No, seriously, WHO are you? I've only seen the twos of yous about 1 time each, and that was when you were individually handing out verbal warnings about double parking and "illegal bbq'ing". You guys are ass-wipes, seriously. How can you just walk up to someone you don't even know and who doesn't even recognize you as the landlord, and commence to tell them how they "can't" do something? I mean, you might wanna start introducing yourself to ppl since you are NEVER around in the daytime, none of my neighbors know what you look like, and mostly all of the tenants think that you guys are the crackhead twins. Also, the word "asshole" is occasionally tossed around when referring to either of you. That's not necessarily a GOOD thing, guys.
I'm not saying you have to be nice, just be present. It does WONDERS for the comfort and animosity levels of your apartment dwellers if they can actually see you walking around the complex cleaning, or maybe painting that freakin wall that those little tweeners wrote love tags all over. It does NOT do you guys any good or make your rent checks arrive any sooner when you roam around the apartment at all hours of the night, quietly approach a resident, and then start running off at the mouth about oil spots in the parking lot. This is especially bad to do to me since you never know what kind of self-defense mechanism I might be bearing at that time. I'm just giving you fair warning so that when you get busted in the head with a size-10 Nine West heel, you can't blame me. (My kung fu is strong.)
Here are some tips for you guys to be better managers:
1) Stop asking random ass personal questions about my life. It goes from making conversation to just being creepy. Especially since you have copies of my apartment key and you ask what time i usually get home. So not cool.
2) Stop trying to enforce noise violation codes when you own a motorcycle that sounds like WWIII in the parking lot. You know, at 1am on a Tuesday, people are usually sleeping and don't have the luxury/insanity to ride around on a motorcycle. Just a thought.
3) Don't stroll up on my house guests and start telling them that they can't hang out on my patio. You dumb trick! Those antics could get you faded in the hood. You're just lucky we don't live in the hood.
4) Fix the faucet. It's been messed up since I moved in and you guys refuse to fix it. Don't be surprised if I hold your crack money, i mean, rent checks for a few extra days until you fix it.
5) Quit your full-time jobs. It might help you guys to be better landlords. Otherwise, you are gonna hear me talking shit about you after every encounter we have. You guys deserve it. Only an asshole would call the cops on us at 7pm just because we were playing Cranium too loud. It was Saturday, you prick, don't hate just b/c YOU don't have any plans for the weekend.
With these great tips in mind, you guys should be in tip top shape by next year.
Keep up the great work!
TR
Dear life,
Nobody ever tells you that being single is so much more expensive than having a man. Since when do I have to buy my own drinks, meals and cab rides? I thought it would be pretty sweet to be unattached for once- and it's not bad... but I don't know how much longer I can afford my expensive/fabulous lifestyle.
Single and fabulous?
~LaDiva~
Nobody ever tells you that being single is so much more expensive than having a man. Since when do I have to buy my own drinks, meals and cab rides? I thought it would be pretty sweet to be unattached for once- and it's not bad... but I don't know how much longer I can afford my expensive/fabulous lifestyle.
Single and fabulous?
~LaDiva~
To my darling little dog Gracie,
Let's have a little chat. You know that I love you to death and that I think you are awesome. You are trained well, everyone loves you and you have such a great personality.
However, I was a little apprehensive when I walked through the door last night after work and you came up to me with your head down instead of in full-on freak out wagging your whole body mode. That always means something is wrong. I looked around to survey the damage and saw that you had destroyed an envelope on the couch. So far, no big deal - it's not like you tear anything up on a regular basis. Hey, at least you contained the mess to a small circle on the couch.
Then, I saw the puke. Two piles on the love seat and three piles on the big couch. I must admit, I am a little concerned considering you weigh twelve pounds. I was not aware that it was possible for such a small animal to puke so much. In fact, I was not even aware your stomach would hold that much to throw up.
I just wanted to let you know that I'm not angry at you. But if you feel like practicing for the vomit olympics again, could you maybe just do it on the floor so it's easier to clean up? And maybe on a day when your daddy is off work so he can take care of it?
Love,
Mama
Let's have a little chat. You know that I love you to death and that I think you are awesome. You are trained well, everyone loves you and you have such a great personality.
However, I was a little apprehensive when I walked through the door last night after work and you came up to me with your head down instead of in full-on freak out wagging your whole body mode. That always means something is wrong. I looked around to survey the damage and saw that you had destroyed an envelope on the couch. So far, no big deal - it's not like you tear anything up on a regular basis. Hey, at least you contained the mess to a small circle on the couch.
Then, I saw the puke. Two piles on the love seat and three piles on the big couch. I must admit, I am a little concerned considering you weigh twelve pounds. I was not aware that it was possible for such a small animal to puke so much. In fact, I was not even aware your stomach would hold that much to throw up.
I just wanted to let you know that I'm not angry at you. But if you feel like practicing for the vomit olympics again, could you maybe just do it on the floor so it's easier to clean up? And maybe on a day when your daddy is off work so he can take care of it?
Love,
Mama
Dear co-worker,
Thank you for telling me yesterday that you hoped your daughter would "one day grow up and be as wholesome" as I am. I was quite appreciative of your comment.
However, I'm pretty sure you have mis-judged me. In fact, I almost fell to the floor laughing when you told me this. I then called my friends and my parents to tell them about this comment and only laughter ensued (Dad had to put Mom on the phone because he was almost crying, my then reacted with 'hah, you're no Virgin Mary')
I'm guessing he didn't hear about how I slept in another one of our co-worker's beds...or the fight I got into this weekend...or any of the other non-wholesome activities I take part in on a bi-hourly basis.
Today I put on the preppiest outfit I could find in my closet. Hey-- I'm trying to keep up the facade ;)
How did I pull this one off?
-Em
Thank you for telling me yesterday that you hoped your daughter would "one day grow up and be as wholesome" as I am. I was quite appreciative of your comment.
However, I'm pretty sure you have mis-judged me. In fact, I almost fell to the floor laughing when you told me this. I then called my friends and my parents to tell them about this comment and only laughter ensued (Dad had to put Mom on the phone because he was almost crying, my then reacted with 'hah, you're no Virgin Mary')
I'm guessing he didn't hear about how I slept in another one of our co-worker's beds...or the fight I got into this weekend...or any of the other non-wholesome activities I take part in on a bi-hourly basis.
Today I put on the preppiest outfit I could find in my closet. Hey-- I'm trying to keep up the facade ;)
How did I pull this one off?
-Em
Dear My Stockbroker:
Remember back in September when you told me I was insane to sell off 1/3 of all my stocks? Remember when you said it was stupid to invest based on rumors of recession and macroeconomic indicators like inflation and the Fed rate? Good thing I didn't listen, huh? How much more would I have lost in the last 9 months?
Thanks for trying to lose me shitloads more money you incompetent fucktard. If I'm going to pay pay somebody for doing nothing, they need to be smarter. Hove fun being fired.
-T
Remember back in September when you told me I was insane to sell off 1/3 of all my stocks? Remember when you said it was stupid to invest based on rumors of recession and macroeconomic indicators like inflation and the Fed rate? Good thing I didn't listen, huh? How much more would I have lost in the last 9 months?
Thanks for trying to lose me shitloads more money you incompetent fucktard. If I'm going to pay pay somebody for doing nothing, they need to be smarter. Hove fun being fired.
-T
Dear NY,
Yeah, you didn't really WOW me. You kind of just sat there and looked dumb and let me run around thinking I was having a great time.
For one, I thought there were tons of sexy Puerto Rican men to go around. And not that I need a man, cuz I gots one, but ain't nothing wrong with looking. However, the only cute one I saw decided to latch onto my uninterested friend and counter-cockblock* me all night. (*when a guy counters your intentional or unintentional cockblocking techniques)
Second, Times Square is 1200% hype. IDK WTF the big deal is really. It's a giant P. Diddy sign. Whoopdi-freakin-do!!! Wait, what's that you say? Giant M&M store? No way! Steal my heart! I'm convinced, diabolical geniuses are plotting to overthrow our democratic country via Times Square. What a crock of capitalist BS.
Next, the clubs closing at 4am really does NOTHING for me. Especially since I am from CA and we are 3 hrs behind. Thus, if i'm still running on L.A. time, that 4am out there is actually 1am to me. So since our clubs close at 2am, I'm actually LOSING an hour of clubbin out there. That's wack as hell!
Oh yeah, and the city never sleeps because it is afraid of being jacked on the subway, or whilst walking down the street, or being attacked by a big ass rat monster. WTF? I have NEVER witnessed so much trash, bums, trashy bums, suspicious looking characters, tricksters, hoodlums, swindlers, con-artists, and ragamuffins in my life. And they ALL ride the subway. EVERYONE rides the subway. All the time. Every day. At all hours of the night. So all these "interesting individuals" spend their time conjuring up plans to get hands on that hard earned Fiver in your pocket, all while at the same time trying to wipe out the competition. For example, while riding the subway one afternoon, my friend and I had the "pleasure" of witnessing: 1 poem about children, 2 "in DIRE need of help" monologues (the same monologue from two different bums, btw), and a toothless rendition of the Temptations "Ain't too Proud to beg". This was all over the course of 20-mins, and I didn't give a silver dollar to ANY of them. *sadness*
Anyway, NY you disappointed me. I think I'll visit again and give you another try, but this time, my expectations will be the equivalent of Rihanna's talent, which is zero...and I'll bring more disinfectant.
Grateful for my car,
TR
Yeah, you didn't really WOW me. You kind of just sat there and looked dumb and let me run around thinking I was having a great time.
For one, I thought there were tons of sexy Puerto Rican men to go around. And not that I need a man, cuz I gots one, but ain't nothing wrong with looking. However, the only cute one I saw decided to latch onto my uninterested friend and counter-cockblock* me all night. (*when a guy counters your intentional or unintentional cockblocking techniques)
Second, Times Square is 1200% hype. IDK WTF the big deal is really. It's a giant P. Diddy sign. Whoopdi-freakin-do!!! Wait, what's that you say? Giant M&M store? No way! Steal my heart! I'm convinced, diabolical geniuses are plotting to overthrow our democratic country via Times Square. What a crock of capitalist BS.
Next, the clubs closing at 4am really does NOTHING for me. Especially since I am from CA and we are 3 hrs behind. Thus, if i'm still running on L.A. time, that 4am out there is actually 1am to me. So since our clubs close at 2am, I'm actually LOSING an hour of clubbin out there. That's wack as hell!
Oh yeah, and the city never sleeps because it is afraid of being jacked on the subway, or whilst walking down the street, or being attacked by a big ass rat monster. WTF? I have NEVER witnessed so much trash, bums, trashy bums, suspicious looking characters, tricksters, hoodlums, swindlers, con-artists, and ragamuffins in my life. And they ALL ride the subway. EVERYONE rides the subway. All the time. Every day. At all hours of the night. So all these "interesting individuals" spend their time conjuring up plans to get hands on that hard earned Fiver in your pocket, all while at the same time trying to wipe out the competition. For example, while riding the subway one afternoon, my friend and I had the "pleasure" of witnessing: 1 poem about children, 2 "in DIRE need of help" monologues (the same monologue from two different bums, btw), and a toothless rendition of the Temptations "Ain't too Proud to beg". This was all over the course of 20-mins, and I didn't give a silver dollar to ANY of them. *sadness*
Anyway, NY you disappointed me. I think I'll visit again and give you another try, but this time, my expectations will be the equivalent of Rihanna's talent, which is zero...and I'll bring more disinfectant.
Grateful for my car,
TR
Dear people with whom I share an office,
1. Uncomfortable, shy girl: You're okay and all, but you're never going to become a good journalist if you don't come out of the shell a little. Plus that article you did about our project had so many flaws. It was like you weren't listening to us at all. Also, your computer ... makes this sound ... every 5 seconds. I don't know if it just sucks (which is unlikely, it looks like a newer laptop), or if you really access hard disk that much, or perhaps you're running your OS off of a CD-ROM, but it's obnoxious considering how uncomfortably quiet this office tends to be.
2. Guy who talks on the phone really loudly: I may sound like an old woman here, but I HATE sudden loud noises. I realize that it's rather silly since I live in the city, but when you suddenly start talking, breaking the intense silence of this office, I want to throw something at you. Moreover, you do it about twice an hour. Why are you getting so many calls? Are you a drug dealer?
3. Other guy: you cool. I wish you weren't gone all the time, doing things that are very obviously more important than what I do. You actually talk to me when I try to make conversation.
Okay, so sometimes even the littlest things in the office get on your nerves.
Not to mention that the mayonnaise in the fridge in our kitchen is about a month and a half past the expiration date, too. So I am going to be eating a very fishy tuna salad on my crackers today. Damn.
I wish that if I took my stuff home, I would actually be able to do work there. Usually it doesn't get touched. But I am much better off leaving work at work, so I can relax when I'm at home.
the real world SUCKS,
ML
1. Uncomfortable, shy girl: You're okay and all, but you're never going to become a good journalist if you don't come out of the shell a little. Plus that article you did about our project had so many flaws. It was like you weren't listening to us at all. Also, your computer ... makes this sound ... every 5 seconds. I don't know if it just sucks (which is unlikely, it looks like a newer laptop), or if you really access hard disk that much, or perhaps you're running your OS off of a CD-ROM, but it's obnoxious considering how uncomfortably quiet this office tends to be.
2. Guy who talks on the phone really loudly: I may sound like an old woman here, but I HATE sudden loud noises. I realize that it's rather silly since I live in the city, but when you suddenly start talking, breaking the intense silence of this office, I want to throw something at you. Moreover, you do it about twice an hour. Why are you getting so many calls? Are you a drug dealer?
3. Other guy: you cool. I wish you weren't gone all the time, doing things that are very obviously more important than what I do. You actually talk to me when I try to make conversation.
Okay, so sometimes even the littlest things in the office get on your nerves.
Not to mention that the mayonnaise in the fridge in our kitchen is about a month and a half past the expiration date, too. So I am going to be eating a very fishy tuna salad on my crackers today. Damn.
I wish that if I took my stuff home, I would actually be able to do work there. Usually it doesn't get touched. But I am much better off leaving work at work, so I can relax when I'm at home.
the real world SUCKS,
ML
Dear Self,
Stop being a slutface. The date was fun. The beach, the kite flying, and driving in a convertible were all very romantic and perfect. But you felt very little chemistry (not no chemistry, but definitely no topsy turvy stomach flips). Yet, you kissed him. A kiss is harmless (especially when it is in the ocean after flying a kite together). It all seemed innocent enough, until your dumbass went back to his place. I was going to stop him at kissing but when he touched the places that my bathing suit covered, I just couldn't say no. So I closed my eyes and was selfish as hell. A girl's got needs to. Oops.
Thank goodness you shaved,
M in SF
Stop being a slutface. The date was fun. The beach, the kite flying, and driving in a convertible were all very romantic and perfect. But you felt very little chemistry (not no chemistry, but definitely no topsy turvy stomach flips). Yet, you kissed him. A kiss is harmless (especially when it is in the ocean after flying a kite together). It all seemed innocent enough, until your dumbass went back to his place. I was going to stop him at kissing but when he touched the places that my bathing suit covered, I just couldn't say no. So I closed my eyes and was selfish as hell. A girl's got needs to. Oops.
Thank goodness you shaved,
M in SF
Dear Self,
Sooo I don't know why you were all anxious to meet the New Crush's girlfriend in two weekends. In fact, that's probably evidence that you are certifiable. Therefore, we are going to go camping and tubing that weekend, instead. If she and he are as much on the potential marriage track as they apparently are (despite being led to believe otherwise as recently as two months ago) then I guess I'll have more than enough time to torture myself with her presence. Why prolong the agony of knowing from personal experience how cute and blonde and Midwestern she is?
Camping with a bunch of lesbians will be fun!
R
Sooo I don't know why you were all anxious to meet the New Crush's girlfriend in two weekends. In fact, that's probably evidence that you are certifiable. Therefore, we are going to go camping and tubing that weekend, instead. If she and he are as much on the potential marriage track as they apparently are (despite being led to believe otherwise as recently as two months ago) then I guess I'll have more than enough time to torture myself with her presence. Why prolong the agony of knowing from personal experience how cute and blonde and Midwestern she is?
Camping with a bunch of lesbians will be fun!
R
Dear Dear-Lifers,
Would you people start living out some juicy stories and writing about them already? I am at work, bored because I've exhausted all forms of avoidance of actual work, and I've got another hour to kill. I have resorted to reading random articles on Wikipedia. I have even read MinSF's blog in its entirety (which, by the way, is pretty amusing - check it out). I would write something good for Dear Life, but my life is pretty boring lately. I am no longer single, so I don't have any juicy drama. Ironically, there isn't anyone at work who annoys the shit out of me. I've got nothin'.
I'm going to start facebook-stalking soon,
ML
Would you people start living out some juicy stories and writing about them already? I am at work, bored because I've exhausted all forms of avoidance of actual work, and I've got another hour to kill. I have resorted to reading random articles on Wikipedia. I have even read MinSF's blog in its entirety (which, by the way, is pretty amusing - check it out). I would write something good for Dear Life, but my life is pretty boring lately. I am no longer single, so I don't have any juicy drama. Ironically, there isn't anyone at work who annoys the shit out of me. I've got nothin'.
I'm going to start facebook-stalking soon,
ML
Dear facebook "friends,"
Me posting my random pics does not entitle you to write on my wall and/or comment if we haven't talked in years... or ever. Why are we even "friends"? It's kind of sketch that you're eyeing my photos when I don't clearly remember who you are. On a seperate note- all the other people who I'm 100% sure I've never met really need to stop "following me" on Twitter... I'm not really that interesting.
Sketched out by social media,
~LaDiva~
Me posting my random pics does not entitle you to write on my wall and/or comment if we haven't talked in years... or ever. Why are we even "friends"? It's kind of sketch that you're eyeing my photos when I don't clearly remember who you are. On a seperate note- all the other people who I'm 100% sure I've never met really need to stop "following me" on Twitter... I'm not really that interesting.
Sketched out by social media,
~LaDiva~
Dear Dear Lifers,
Allow me to sum my life up for you in haiku:
Dear My Ex-Boyfriend,
Even though we aren't dating
You have made me smile.
Dear Crush's Girlfriend,
I'm meeting you in two weeks?!?
I better get thin.
Dear Lack of A/C,
Sleeping nude is only fun
Post-getting booty.
Dear God, Are You There?
It's me, R, and we should chat
About why I'm alone. :(
Dear Brita Filter,
You will bring me clean water.
Yay! No more chlorine!
Love,
R
Allow me to sum my life up for you in haiku:
Dear My Ex-Boyfriend,
Even though we aren't dating
You have made me smile.
Dear Crush's Girlfriend,
I'm meeting you in two weeks?!?
I better get thin.
Dear Lack of A/C,
Sleeping nude is only fun
Post-getting booty.
Dear God, Are You There?
It's me, R, and we should chat
About why I'm alone. :(
Dear Brita Filter,
You will bring me clean water.
Yay! No more chlorine!
Love,
R
Dear Puss-ay,
I know you've thoroughly enjoyed your all-natural stage. But I've got a date to go to the beach tomorrow with a hottie patottie and I don't exactly what you blowin' in the wind. So I'm gonna have to bring out the weed whacker and shave ya down. Which means you might get some attention (from someone rather than from something).
It's for the best. I promise.
M in SF
I know you've thoroughly enjoyed your all-natural stage. But I've got a date to go to the beach tomorrow with a hottie patottie and I don't exactly what you blowin' in the wind. So I'm gonna have to bring out the weed whacker and shave ya down. Which means you might get some attention (from someone rather than from something).
It's for the best. I promise.
M in SF
Dear Boyfriend,
Please stop giving me a guilt trip because I would like to sleep in my own bed. Sure, I love staying with you, but I like my new home, new bedroom and my cat. Its also a hell of a lot easier to get to work sans the trip (via public transportation) from your South end of the city all the way to my beloved East End. I know you just got home from Florida and all....but I want my pillows.
-cj
Please stop giving me a guilt trip because I would like to sleep in my own bed. Sure, I love staying with you, but I like my new home, new bedroom and my cat. Its also a hell of a lot easier to get to work sans the trip (via public transportation) from your South end of the city all the way to my beloved East End. I know you just got home from Florida and all....but I want my pillows.
-cj
dear vacation,
you have been a blast! I've met a ton of cool people, climbed a MOUNTAIN, and just had an all around good time.
but i'm ready to go home. i miss my family, my boyfriend, and my puppy. so i'm kind of glad i fly back tomorrow. does that make me lame? in any event, i'll see you in 26 hours chicago!
love,
-j
you have been a blast! I've met a ton of cool people, climbed a MOUNTAIN, and just had an all around good time.
but i'm ready to go home. i miss my family, my boyfriend, and my puppy. so i'm kind of glad i fly back tomorrow. does that make me lame? in any event, i'll see you in 26 hours chicago!
love,
-j
Dear Confused Past Fling who now Lives Far Away:
Please stop being stupid. I really liked being your backstop booty call when you lived here and your other options wouldn't work out. I'm also VERY flattered that you want me to visit you in your new big bad city - it's nice to keep in touch.
But I know you don't dig me. I was "flingworthy only" when I was in town, and when I tried to move from the backseat to a potential relationship, you Heismaned. That seriously was okay. I'm not what you saw yourself dating yet I continued to get occasional ass. I ended up ahead in the game and I still kinda think you're bomb.
So, yes, you're amazing and I would definitely try tap that again...IF I thought it was going to happen. But I'm not about to drop coin to come visit you as a "friend." Offer to see me when you come back to visit, show some real interest, or buy MY ticket and I might put myself out there again.
But I ain't heading West, so stop the naggy pout act. Here's why I won't do it:
In my experience, when WOMEN travel to see a man for sex, the sex ALWAYS happens because men don't say no and women want what they came for. When MEN travel to see a women for sex, the sex often DOESN'T happen, because you women really just want to feel special. The second I show up, you can post your "mission accomplished" banner because I came all the way to see you - now you feel good about yourself. ...and voila! Sex is now unnecessary and I become a depressed and frustrated houseguest who you complain about to your friends as a creep trying to get in your pants. If you're really mean, you bring home some goon and give me something to listen to while I fail to sleep on your couch.
...Not interested, k thanx!
What you really want me to do is inflate your threatened ego. It's a new city, nobody knows how awesome you are, you're a little lonely and it will take time to become queen kitty in your new circle.
But fucking sack up, girl. You're hot for a living, are crazy smart and you know it. You're also actually pretty interesting and goofy in a good way.
But on the downside you have a healthy capacity for shiteousness...it is TRULY not nice to try to use me (again) just to douse enflamed insecurity, m'kay? I played JV on your hookup roster because you're awesome, not because I'm a chump. I ain't doing a thousand-dollar wasted long weekend cross-country (probably unconsummated) booty call for you.
You don't admire me, and I don't need you to. But you're mistaken to think I don't respect myself.
See, I GET you, and I saw that. And I would have been a good thing with you from that angle...but you didn't see it and you DON'T get me...so I'm thinking I dodged a big-ass bullet by not making it onto your first team. Catch a clue, darlin'.
Not looking to play the role of relationship valet,
-T
Please stop being stupid. I really liked being your backstop booty call when you lived here and your other options wouldn't work out. I'm also VERY flattered that you want me to visit you in your new big bad city - it's nice to keep in touch.
But I know you don't dig me. I was "flingworthy only" when I was in town, and when I tried to move from the backseat to a potential relationship, you Heismaned. That seriously was okay. I'm not what you saw yourself dating yet I continued to get occasional ass. I ended up ahead in the game and I still kinda think you're bomb.
So, yes, you're amazing and I would definitely try tap that again...IF I thought it was going to happen. But I'm not about to drop coin to come visit you as a "friend." Offer to see me when you come back to visit, show some real interest, or buy MY ticket and I might put myself out there again.
But I ain't heading West, so stop the naggy pout act. Here's why I won't do it:
In my experience, when WOMEN travel to see a man for sex, the sex ALWAYS happens because men don't say no and women want what they came for. When MEN travel to see a women for sex, the sex often DOESN'T happen, because you women really just want to feel special. The second I show up, you can post your "mission accomplished" banner because I came all the way to see you - now you feel good about yourself. ...and voila! Sex is now unnecessary and I become a depressed and frustrated houseguest who you complain about to your friends as a creep trying to get in your pants. If you're really mean, you bring home some goon and give me something to listen to while I fail to sleep on your couch.
...Not interested, k thanx!
What you really want me to do is inflate your threatened ego. It's a new city, nobody knows how awesome you are, you're a little lonely and it will take time to become queen kitty in your new circle.
But fucking sack up, girl. You're hot for a living, are crazy smart and you know it. You're also actually pretty interesting and goofy in a good way.
But on the downside you have a healthy capacity for shiteousness...it is TRULY not nice to try to use me (again) just to douse enflamed insecurity, m'kay? I played JV on your hookup roster because you're awesome, not because I'm a chump. I ain't doing a thousand-dollar wasted long weekend cross-country (probably unconsummated) booty call for you.
You don't admire me, and I don't need you to. But you're mistaken to think I don't respect myself.
See, I GET you, and I saw that. And I would have been a good thing with you from that angle...but you didn't see it and you DON'T get me...so I'm thinking I dodged a big-ass bullet by not making it onto your first team. Catch a clue, darlin'.
Not looking to play the role of relationship valet,
-T
Dear NY,
You and I have never met before, so let me introduce myself. I'm TR,
and some people say I look like Beyonce. This is not at all true, and
we don't have much in common at all except for the fact that we both
have ancestors from Africa...and our butts have their own
personalities.
Um...let's see...my favorite show is Jon & Kate Plus 8 because I like
sci-fi...I have a cat named Porkchop...and...I once was a groupie for
Karen O of the Yeah Yeah Yeahs.
I will be flying out tonight to see you and I just need a know a few
things before I come inside of you.
1. How warm are you right now? People have told me that you really
know how to make a person hot, and I just want to know if it's true.
2. Are you getting all wet? My friend told me that I should bring some
extra protection since one minute it's just hot, and the next it just
comes pouring down all of a sudden.
3. Are you really as expensive as everyone says? I mean, I figure that
it's worth it for a good time, but I just don't want my boyfriend to
freak out over how much cash I spent with you.
I know that this is all moving so fast, but I promise you that I won't
disappoint. I aims to please, and it's gonna be a good thing for the
both of us. NY, you ain't seen NOTHIN yet!
Oh yeah, and wear that little thing I like,
TR
You and I have never met before, so let me introduce myself. I'm TR,
and some people say I look like Beyonce. This is not at all true, and
we don't have much in common at all except for the fact that we both
have ancestors from Africa...and our butts have their own
personalities.
Um...let's see...my favorite show is Jon & Kate Plus 8 because I like
sci-fi...I have a cat named Porkchop...and...I once was a groupie for
Karen O of the Yeah Yeah Yeahs.
I will be flying out tonight to see you and I just need a know a few
things before I come inside of you.
1. How warm are you right now? People have told me that you really
know how to make a person hot, and I just want to know if it's true.
2. Are you getting all wet? My friend told me that I should bring some
extra protection since one minute it's just hot, and the next it just
comes pouring down all of a sudden.
3. Are you really as expensive as everyone says? I mean, I figure that
it's worth it for a good time, but I just don't want my boyfriend to
freak out over how much cash I spent with you.
I know that this is all moving so fast, but I promise you that I won't
disappoint. I aims to please, and it's gonna be a good thing for the
both of us. NY, you ain't seen NOTHIN yet!
Oh yeah, and wear that little thing I like,
TR
Dear Dear Lifers:
I love you SOOHOOOHOO MUCH for your public resolutions and steady discussion of your own undergarments and naughty bits...it's fabulously refreshing to know that no matter how much obsessing I do about women's curves, all y'all think about your own shapes more than I will ever be able.
Truth be told, I occasionally feel almost guilty for objectifying you hotties with my inability to see past your hotness. It's nice to know that we have at least one thing in common...our shared infatuation with your appearance.
Guilt-relieved <3
-T
I love you SOOHOOOHOO MUCH for your public resolutions and steady discussion of your own undergarments and naughty bits...it's fabulously refreshing to know that no matter how much obsessing I do about women's curves, all y'all think about your own shapes more than I will ever be able.
Truth be told, I occasionally feel almost guilty for objectifying you hotties with my inability to see past your hotness. It's nice to know that we have at least one thing in common...our shared infatuation with your appearance.
Guilt-relieved <3
-T
Dear Fuckable Freckles,
We've eye-fucked each other every Saturday from 3:15 to 4:15 for the past month. I look forward to these 60 minutes way more than I should. Your freckles are sprinkled perfectly across your nose but more importantly just looking at your bod makes me wet. I catch you staring at me the entire time and I know you've caught me staring at your ding-a-ling. Ask me out already, because I'm too much of a pussy to make the first move. Greg Behrendt would tell me that because you haven't asked me out yet that you just aren't that into me. But comeon, you've gotta be.
Is it Saturday yet?
M in SF
We've eye-fucked each other every Saturday from 3:15 to 4:15 for the past month. I look forward to these 60 minutes way more than I should. Your freckles are sprinkled perfectly across your nose but more importantly just looking at your bod makes me wet. I catch you staring at me the entire time and I know you've caught me staring at your ding-a-ling. Ask me out already, because I'm too much of a pussy to make the first move. Greg Behrendt would tell me that because you haven't asked me out yet that you just aren't that into me. But comeon, you've gotta be.
Is it Saturday yet?
M in SF
Dear Angelina Jolie,
I got so excited last night when I saw on people.com that you'd checked into a hospital in Nice in anticipation of the birth of your twins. I mean, Shiloh is so adorable that the only thing cuter would be a pair of Shilohs! Unfortunately for me, your doctor just gave a statement that your twins probably will be baking for a couple more weeks. Maybe this is good; maybe the world isn't quite ready to behold the utter cuteness. Maybe you're trying to preempt the Beijing Olympics? I don't know, but either way, please pop those kids out quickly. I can't wait to stand in line at Safeway and page through magazines full of baby Jolie-Pitt pictures, and feel my uterus squeal with pleasure.
Love,
R
I got so excited last night when I saw on people.com that you'd checked into a hospital in Nice in anticipation of the birth of your twins. I mean, Shiloh is so adorable that the only thing cuter would be a pair of Shilohs! Unfortunately for me, your doctor just gave a statement that your twins probably will be baking for a couple more weeks. Maybe this is good; maybe the world isn't quite ready to behold the utter cuteness. Maybe you're trying to preempt the Beijing Olympics? I don't know, but either way, please pop those kids out quickly. I can't wait to stand in line at Safeway and page through magazines full of baby Jolie-Pitt pictures, and feel my uterus squeal with pleasure.
Love,
R
Dear Dear Lifers,
Taking a cue from y'all, I'm making a public deal with myself. If, barring illness or injury, I can successfully get myself to work out on 21 of the 31 days in July, then I get to buy myself a new purse. And if, on top of that, I continue to work out into August, develop decent abs, and lose a couple pounds and keep them off, I can buy myself a new and expensive swimsuit. At that point I can parade around the "New" Crush all I want, confident that even if his g/f is hotter than me (and she is, dammit), at least I have a decent bod (and also am more interesting than her).
Screw the Special K challenge, it's the Dear Life challenge!
R
Taking a cue from y'all, I'm making a public deal with myself. If, barring illness or injury, I can successfully get myself to work out on 21 of the 31 days in July, then I get to buy myself a new purse. And if, on top of that, I continue to work out into August, develop decent abs, and lose a couple pounds and keep them off, I can buy myself a new and expensive swimsuit. At that point I can parade around the "New" Crush all I want, confident that even if his g/f is hotter than me (and she is, dammit), at least I have a decent bod (and also am more interesting than her).
Screw the Special K challenge, it's the Dear Life challenge!
R
Dear Dear Lifers,
So lately some new fat cells have been coming to party with my old fat cells and my once baggy pants have becoming increasingly more snug. I have a feeling my clothes aren't spontaneously shrinking but instead my rump is expanding. Dang it.
I have no one to blame but myself (and burritos and bakeries).
So in the dieting world they say that it is beneficial to tell others you are dieting. It holds one accountable and then there is a sense of shame and embarrassment if you don't succeed. So here I am, proclaiming to literally run my ass off and eat lots of carrots (and I needed to stop saying "I'll start tomorrow" and then eating a donut). And I'm sure this whole hellish experience of using more energy than I put into my body will provide for some entertaining entries.
On that note, I just made a playlist for my run. Why is it that my impeccable taste in music goes sailing out the window the moment I make a working out playlist (which is entitled "Run My Ass Off, Literally")? All the terrible pop and rap in my iTunes somehow leaps right onto the list. At least I'm bound to get a few spelling lessons from Ferg.
Please point and laugh at my cellulite if I don't succeed,
M in SF
So lately some new fat cells have been coming to party with my old fat cells and my once baggy pants have becoming increasingly more snug. I have a feeling my clothes aren't spontaneously shrinking but instead my rump is expanding. Dang it.
I have no one to blame but myself (and burritos and bakeries).
So in the dieting world they say that it is beneficial to tell others you are dieting. It holds one accountable and then there is a sense of shame and embarrassment if you don't succeed. So here I am, proclaiming to literally run my ass off and eat lots of carrots (and I needed to stop saying "I'll start tomorrow" and then eating a donut). And I'm sure this whole hellish experience of using more energy than I put into my body will provide for some entertaining entries.
On that note, I just made a playlist for my run. Why is it that my impeccable taste in music goes sailing out the window the moment I make a working out playlist (which is entitled "Run My Ass Off, Literally")? All the terrible pop and rap in my iTunes somehow leaps right onto the list. At least I'm bound to get a few spelling lessons from Ferg.
Please point and laugh at my cellulite if I don't succeed,
M in SF
Dear Unexpected Male Attention,
I am not sure if Karma finally figured out that my self esteem needed to get kicked in the ass with a big boost of self esteem or what - but Thank You!
First, there was the on-again/off-again boy that wanted to be on-again. Then, we had the super hotty secret service agent that was adorably, obviously and embarrassingly smitten to the point that my coworkers were giving me hell. Then the old high school crush shows up on Facebook. And finally - the absolute cherry on the cake:The best sex of my life (6 (great) times, one night) reappears via text then phone call after a 1.5 year hiatus. Had memorized exactly what I wore the last time he saw me two years ago. (swoon). He's begging for a cross country visit and I may not be able to resist. RAWR!
Thank you Karma or pheromones or whatevs is going on to make me suddenly seem and feel like a sexy bitch. I really needed this pleasant surprise. Keep it coming please.
Struttin' a little,
Blondie
I am not sure if Karma finally figured out that my self esteem needed to get kicked in the ass with a big boost of self esteem or what - but Thank You!
First, there was the on-again/off-again boy that wanted to be on-again. Then, we had the super hotty secret service agent that was adorably, obviously and embarrassingly smitten to the point that my coworkers were giving me hell. Then the old high school crush shows up on Facebook. And finally - the absolute cherry on the cake:The best sex of my life (6 (great) times, one night) reappears via text then phone call after a 1.5 year hiatus. Had memorized exactly what I wore the last time he saw me two years ago. (swoon). He's begging for a cross country visit and I may not be able to resist. RAWR!
Thank you Karma or pheromones or whatevs is going on to make me suddenly seem and feel like a sexy bitch. I really needed this pleasant surprise. Keep it coming please.
Struttin' a little,
Blondie
Dear online shopping,
Where have you been all my life? It's not like I just got my debit card yesterday, but I never really gave you much thought before. Now, ebay is quickly becoming my best friend and the money in my checking account is slowly dwindling with these purchases I keep making for my cell phone. But I can't stop. Now I've moved on to Amazon, which can keep me occupied for hours. I cannot believe it's taken me this long to discover all of Amazon's wonders. I'll be bankrupt this time tomorrow at the rate I'm going.
Shipping and handling is a bitch, though.
Hoping my packages arrive soon,
Is
Where have you been all my life? It's not like I just got my debit card yesterday, but I never really gave you much thought before. Now, ebay is quickly becoming my best friend and the money in my checking account is slowly dwindling with these purchases I keep making for my cell phone. But I can't stop. Now I've moved on to Amazon, which can keep me occupied for hours. I cannot believe it's taken me this long to discover all of Amazon's wonders. I'll be bankrupt this time tomorrow at the rate I'm going.
Shipping and handling is a bitch, though.
Hoping my packages arrive soon,
Is
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