Dear NY,

Yeah, you didn't really WOW me. You kind of just sat there and looked dumb and let me run around thinking I was having a great time.

For one, I thought there were tons of sexy Puerto Rican men to go around. And not that I need a man, cuz I gots one, but ain't nothing wrong with looking. However, the only cute one I saw decided to latch onto my uninterested friend and counter-cockblock* me all night. (*when a guy counters your intentional or unintentional cockblocking techniques)

Second, Times Square is 1200% hype. IDK WTF the big deal is really. It's a giant P. Diddy sign. Whoopdi-freakin-do!!! Wait, what's that you say? Giant M&M store? No way! Steal my heart! I'm convinced, diabolical geniuses are plotting to overthrow our democratic country via Times Square. What a crock of capitalist BS.

Next, the clubs closing at 4am really does NOTHING for me. Especially since I am from CA and we are 3 hrs behind. Thus, if i'm still running on L.A. time, that 4am out there is actually 1am to me. So since our clubs close at 2am, I'm actually LOSING an hour of clubbin out there. That's wack as hell!

Oh yeah, and the city never sleeps because it is afraid of being jacked on the subway, or whilst walking down the street, or being attacked by a big ass rat monster. WTF? I have NEVER witnessed so much trash, bums, trashy bums, suspicious looking characters, tricksters, hoodlums, swindlers, con-artists, and ragamuffins in my life. And they ALL ride the subway. EVERYONE rides the subway. All the time. Every day. At all hours of the night. So all these "interesting individuals" spend their time conjuring up plans to get hands on that hard earned Fiver in your pocket, all while at the same time trying to wipe out the competition. For example, while riding the subway one afternoon, my friend and I had the "pleasure" of witnessing: 1 poem about children, 2 "in DIRE need of help" monologues (the same monologue from two different bums, btw), and a toothless rendition of the Temptations "Ain't too Proud to beg". This was all over the course of 20-mins, and I didn't give a silver dollar to ANY of them. *sadness*

Anyway, NY you disappointed me. I think I'll visit again and give you another try, but this time, my expectations will be the equivalent of Rihanna's talent, which is zero...and I'll bring more disinfectant.


Grateful for my car,
TR

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Dear TR,

I, too, was totally underwhelmed with NY. Glad I wasn't the only one. And Times Square is dumb. Just sayin.

CA-style love,
R

Anonymous said...

Holla at carpooling instead of subways! Woot-woot! :)

--TR

Blondie said...

Stay away from Times Square. Walk the West Village and go into random stores. Walk as much as possible (subways hide the city). Stop in random bars and cafes as you walk. Grab a square of space in Sheep's Meadow and watch interesting and happy people instead of panhandlers on the subway. Eat at Mamoud's Falafel at 5 am after clubbing. Party in the Lower East Side and find the afte party that starts at 7AM. Stand in line for an hour at the Shake Shack. Find a rooftop bar that isn't expensive as hell...come back. I promise, there's a new york worth loving...

Anonymous said...

Word. You can't expect to enjoy New York if you spend your time in midtown.

Anonymous said...

NY is great when you live there. Best when you live in Manhattan (or Brooklyn, which is turning into "the other white meat"). If you have to visit, visit friends who party and have partying friends. Do not visit married people or people with children...unless they are hippies or have live-in nannies to support their partying.

Never visit as a tourist.

-T

Anonymous said...

I shalt remember all these things and more the next time I decided to come to NY.

Especially the part about only staying with partying ppl. :)

TR