Dear apartment managers,

Who the hell are you guys? No, seriously, WHO are you? I've only seen the twos of yous about 1 time each, and that was when you were individually handing out verbal warnings about double parking and "illegal bbq'ing". You guys are ass-wipes, seriously. How can you just walk up to someone you don't even know and who doesn't even recognize you as the landlord, and commence to tell them how they "can't" do something? I mean, you might wanna start introducing yourself to ppl since you are NEVER around in the daytime, none of my neighbors know what you look like, and mostly all of the tenants think that you guys are the crackhead twins. Also, the word "asshole" is occasionally tossed around when referring to either of you. That's not necessarily a GOOD thing, guys.

I'm not saying you have to be nice, just be present. It does WONDERS for the comfort and animosity levels of your apartment dwellers if they can actually see you walking around the complex cleaning, or maybe painting that freakin wall that those little tweeners wrote love tags all over. It does NOT do you guys any good or make your rent checks arrive any sooner when you roam around the apartment at all hours of the night, quietly approach a resident, and then start running off at the mouth about oil spots in the parking lot. This is especially bad to do to me since you never know what kind of self-defense mechanism I might be bearing at that time. I'm just giving you fair warning so that when you get busted in the head with a size-10 Nine West heel, you can't blame me. (My kung fu is strong.)

Here are some tips for you guys to be better managers:
1) Stop asking random ass personal questions about my life. It goes from making conversation to just being creepy. Especially since you have copies of my apartment key and you ask what time i usually get home. So not cool.
2) Stop trying to enforce noise violation codes when you own a motorcycle that sounds like WWIII in the parking lot. You know, at 1am on a Tuesday, people are usually sleeping and don't have the luxury/insanity to ride around on a motorcycle. Just a thought.
3) Don't stroll up on my house guests and start telling them that they can't hang out on my patio. You dumb trick! Those antics could get you faded in the hood. You're just lucky we don't live in the hood.
4) Fix the faucet. It's been messed up since I moved in and you guys refuse to fix it. Don't be surprised if I hold your crack money, i mean, rent checks for a few extra days until you fix it.
5) Quit your full-time jobs. It might help you guys to be better landlords. Otherwise, you are gonna hear me talking shit about you after every encounter we have. You guys deserve it. Only an asshole would call the cops on us at 7pm just because we were playing Cranium too loud. It was Saturday, you prick, don't hate just b/c YOU don't have any plans for the weekend.

With these great tips in mind, you guys should be in tip top shape by next year.

Keep up the great work!