Dear Confused Past Fling who now Lives Far Away:
Please stop being stupid. I really liked being your backstop booty call when you lived here and your other options wouldn't work out. I'm also VERY flattered that you want me to visit you in your new big bad city - it's nice to keep in touch.
But I know you don't dig me. I was "flingworthy only" when I was in town, and when I tried to move from the backseat to a potential relationship, you Heismaned. That seriously was okay. I'm not what you saw yourself dating yet I continued to get occasional ass. I ended up ahead in the game and I still kinda think you're bomb.
So, yes, you're amazing and I would definitely try tap that again...IF I thought it was going to happen. But I'm not about to drop coin to come visit you as a "friend." Offer to see me when you come back to visit, show some real interest, or buy MY ticket and I might put myself out there again.
But I ain't heading West, so stop the naggy pout act. Here's why I won't do it:
In my experience, when WOMEN travel to see a man for sex, the sex ALWAYS happens because men don't say no and women want what they came for. When MEN travel to see a women for sex, the sex often DOESN'T happen, because you women really just want to feel special. The second I show up, you can post your "mission accomplished" banner because I came all the way to see you - now you feel good about yourself. ...and voila! Sex is now unnecessary and I become a depressed and frustrated houseguest who you complain about to your friends as a creep trying to get in your pants. If you're really mean, you bring home some goon and give me something to listen to while I fail to sleep on your couch.
...Not interested, k thanx!
What you really want me to do is inflate your threatened ego. It's a new city, nobody knows how awesome you are, you're a little lonely and it will take time to become queen kitty in your new circle.
But fucking sack up, girl. You're hot for a living, are crazy smart and you know it. You're also actually pretty interesting and goofy in a good way.
But on the downside you have a healthy capacity for shiteousness...it is TRULY not nice to try to use me (again) just to douse enflamed insecurity, m'kay? I played JV on your hookup roster because you're awesome, not because I'm a chump. I ain't doing a thousand-dollar wasted long weekend cross-country (probably unconsummated) booty call for you.
You don't admire me, and I don't need you to. But you're mistaken to think I don't respect myself.
See, I GET you, and I saw that. And I would have been a good thing with you from that angle...but you didn't see it and you DON'T get me...so I'm thinking I dodged a big-ass bullet by not making it onto your first team. Catch a clue, darlin'.
Not looking to play the role of relationship valet,