Dear Disturbingly Large Breasts,

While I realize that you were obliged to expand in order to keep my lovely hourglass figure as I packed on the pounds during college, you don't seem to be taking any hints from my ass now that it's back to normal size. I've had to adjust all my bands down to the tightest setting, but when I looked into buying a smaller bra to fit the smaller me an online calculator told me that you are now size 34F -- as in 34Fucking large. Victoria's Secret does not carry size 34F, and if Vicki can't cover you, I don't know who the hell will. If I hadn't lost weight, you and I could have gone to Cacique (which, though embarrassing, I would have done), but even Lane doesn't do that odd combo of small bod and huge boobs. This is unacceptable.

You're starting to make me look more Top-Heavy Barbie and less luscious pin-up girl. At the current rate of ass-shrinkage, I'll have to walk on all fours by my 23rd birthday.Please size down a few cups to keep me bi-pedal.

Thanks ladies,
L

P.S. Sagging is for old women -- not for 22 year olds. If your performance does not improve in either area, I may be forced to take drastic measures.