Dear X's Personal Assistant of Indeterminate Sexual Orientation (Part THREE),
I am now almost certain you are gay -- hooray! Today you waltzed in from lunch with a Louis Vuitton tote and some KILLER shades and I almost squealed with glee. Let's be BFF! I totally forgive you for staring at my tits (you prob just wish you had a pair like mine), and I found out yesterday that you just got Lasik, so I'm really sorry I said anything about that wonkeye of yours -- it's really not so bad. I've been waiting so long for a gaybestfriend -- let's go to happy hour every day after work and talk shit about people!
You Rock That Salmon-Colored Shirt Like Nobody's Business,