Dear Attractive and Unavailable Male Friend,

I kinda want you. And I know its my fault that your not already my boo. I totally cock-blocked myself that time last summer when you asked me to come over and watch a movie with you. I didn't even know girls could cock-block, but here I am. Living proof. Anyway, you should remember that this is how our conversation went:

You: "I miss you. You should come over and watch a movie at my place."
Me: "Sounds cool. Who else is coming?"
You:"Uh, no one....Do....do you want someone else to come?"
Me: "Sure! You could invite Blahblahblahblahblah (that's the sound of me planting my foot
firmly in my mouth)."

And even later that night, you asked me to stay after my accessories to cock-blocking (a.k.a. 'friends') left. I said no, I had work the next morning. Because last summer's crappy office bitch job was way more important than us getting into each other's respective pants. My bad. Seriously. What's worse is that's not the only time I did something like that to you.

Fast forward to a couple nights ago. We were driving around town heading back to your place when you brought up the funny story of how one of your friends lost his V-card during a drunken night with a hot and anonymous frat-mattress sort of gal. Then you said you kinda regretted having a girlfriend (who I've learned from several reliable sources, look a hell of a lot like me) because you feel like you're missing out on spontaneous, sexy opportunities. You followed this gem with "Not that I'd cheat on my girlfriend, but..." and an awkward pause / significant look towards me.

Are you for real? You seriously can't toy with me like this. I'm sorry about screwing with you last summer, but one more hint of "I wanna have a no-pants dance off" from you and I'll be on you faster than Lindsay Lohan gets on a pile of blow. No lie.

Oh, and it'll be great meeting your girlfriend next week. Maybe I can call ahead so she and I can coordinate our outfits and see if you can tell us apart.

Looking forward to our mutual eye-f*cking in front of your gf,
D.clare