Dear Muscles,

There was a time when we would work out regularly, and all you would do is acquire some really nice tone. As I enter my early 30's, you're starting to add mass and turn into honest-to-goodness beefcake. That's fine, my girlfriend digs it. Though I guess some other people do, too.

The gay dudes on the street are easily ignored.

But I just spent a couple hours with a friend in her apartment and barely escaped with my fidelity intact. She was wetting her lips, staring me down with eye contact, and I think I even caught her touching herself once during a decidedly un-sexy part of the DVD.

Muscles: Is this how it's going to be from now until I fall off, looks-wise? 'Cause it's kind of horrible. Do I have to be friends with just men now? I don't really like hanging out with "the guys" and never have. Women rule. (Perhaps lesbians are the answer?)

This girl didn't even know about the real bigness,

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