Dear Matt,

I saw my parents today and decided to tell them about my misfortune of meeting you so they could laugh at my expense. Oh, and they know you. They decided to inform me that you lied and you are, in fact, not even twenty, but 19 fucking years old. I was receiving my college diploma when you still had a curfew. The fact that I drunkenly thought about all the things I could do to your teenage body makes me want to slam my head into a brick wall. Do me a favor and stop texting the shit out of me and go shop at American Eagle or something.

Kill Me, Just Kill Me,
A