Dear Tits,

Yesterday, I was talking to my best friend (the married one). We were talking about the changes happening to her body due to her second pregnancy. I couldn't help but intermittently throw in an "ew" or "GROSS!". That probably made her feel bad, but that's what best friends do. Make each other feel bad. She also didn't seem to like my reaction to her recent purchase of a 1999 beige oldsmobile mini-van with a VCR player in it. That's probs the worst possible purchase I could think of. I made a point to tell her so. But I digress, the point of this missive is to tell you that I will not be forsaking you anytime soon. While I was having this phone convo, I was staring down at you thinking about how I could never consent to destroying you merely to bring children into this world of ours. You play such an integral role in who I am and I would hate to let you go. therefore, I have decided that I will not be having children until I'm 38. You know, like Julia Roberts or something.

Nipping Out,
A