Dear Max Thedog,
Whenever you behave the way you did this morning, it makes me want to snatch you up and send you straight off to hell or the pound (whichever is closer). I do not have to stand for your antics. I understand that when my hands are full of random crap as I head out the door at 7:45am you see it as a prime opportunity to bolt past me and escape after the giant garbage truck that has recently passed. However, if you were good you would sit and stay like I asked.
I just feel sorry for the unassuming elderly man down the street that you targeted as he was trying his damnedest to keep you from licking his bare legs.
Also, when I finally caught you I was not intimidated by your growling and showing of the teeth so you can just stop trying that little act. And in all of your squirming you muddied up my work outfit and for that I am pissed off.
When I get home tonight, don't even look at me. Don't lick me. Don't jump up on me.
You're in the doghouse now,