Dear Girls in LA,

Quit being so pretentious and gimme some vag. I may not drive a Beemer or whatever, but I can lay pipe like Super Mario with the fireball power up.

Seriously, I’m not hairy or gross, I have an awesome sense of humor, and interesting job, and boyish good looks. Quit laggin and get with the shaggin.

Vag-free and hating it,
Tyler’s Peen