Dear Life,

Why has my favorite drunken pastime once again become making questionable decisions regarding my high school crush? Is it because he's sorta kinda seeing someone else now? It was a bad idea the first time we played a little drunken tonsil hockey, and it's gotten to be even more questionable with each escapade. Hormones, old insecurities, and force of habit make a dangerous cocktail, my friend. You should know better. Maybe you could send me someone I didn't go to homecoming with -- the dance was fun and all, but seriously.

Shape up,

22, not 15