*W.A.I.S.P. TOP PICK*

Dear Facebook Friends,

I have a bone to pick with some of you. And by "some" I mean those recently engaged, married, or expecting a child and unabashedly updating your profiles every other minute with all of the ridiculous details. Congrats on all of the engagements, but really there is no need create an entire album for your ring just to overcompensate for the fact that it is tiny. And just an FYI- professional engagement pictures numbering in the hundreds of the two of you beaming while holding hands by a lake leads others to believe that you are attempting to hide the fact that you entire relationship is a sham and/or that your future ex-husband has a serious case of ED.

In addition, it is wildly unneccesary for you to change you relationship status to "married" 5 minutes after the minister pronounces you husband and wife. Go have sex for Christ's sake. At least go dance at your reception or eat some of that hot-pink iced cake you spent a fortune on. And no pictures, please. Anyone who really cares about you came to your wedding. The rest of us don't give a fuck.

Furthermore, nobody needs to see your child's ultrasound except for immediate family. It just isn't cute, and lets remember- we are Facebook friends, not real life friends. Spare me. The same goes for the token photo album of the ever-expanding baby bump. Sick me out... have you seen shapeofamother.com? You may be smiling and rubbing your belly now, but I'd like to see you share some shots of your post-birth stomach. Now that I might actually enjoy.

You bore me,

G